And why the hell is Daniel Day Lewis so secretive?
My Doctor Incidentally Gave me an Erection while Examining my Testicles During a Routine Physical
Some people are afraid of the Doctor--mine had me scared stiff. It was hard. The checkup was difficult too.
Ex-Kennilworth Superintendent, AKA Pooper-Intendant Who plead guilty to Public Defecation, Has Filed Lawsuit Against Holmdel Police for Treating Him Like Crap
He may have defecated in public, but what the Holmdel Police did to him was much crappier...allegedly (Reported before the Asbury Park Press)
MONMOUTH COUNTY: Lake Como Man Arrested for Selling Virtually Every Drug Known to Man.
Man from Belmar/Lake Como has been arrested for selling drugs. All the drugs.
LeSean McCoy is A PRICK for Spoiling Avengers: Endgame on Twitter and Everyone Agrees (No Spoilers).
True evil comes from those without a motive other than to create chaos.
Idiots Criticizing Sunday’s Episode of Game of Thrones’ for Lacking Action Will Look Stupid Next Sunday
Anyone that thinks otherwise shouldn't be allowed to call themselves a fan since they clearly don't care enough to pay close attention.
The United Methodist Church Expected to No Longer Be United Because of Disagreements Regarding LBTQ Policies
As their true rainbow colors show, the United Methodist Church is actually the furthest thing from 'united'
4/20 Actually Sucks; Here are 10 Reasons Why Smoke isn’t the only thing that Blows Today
Many view April 20th as a day that brings real and/or artificial happiness. Others feel like those people should get off their high-as-a-kite horse and open their red-eyes to see why 4/20 blows chunks --not smoke.
Ex-Spring Lake Heights Councilmen Charged in $6 Million Fraud Case, Immediately Resigns For Totally Unrelated Reasons.
A politician involved in white collar crime like fraud? That almost never happens!
Remember when Everybody used Yahoo-Search instead of Google or Bing? Here is Why No One Uses it Anymore (SPOILER: It’s because Yahoo! Sucks D**k).
Yahoo doesn't even yield results about the subject you searched. Is that the correct usage of the word "Yield?" I'll look it up—as long as I don't have to use Yahoo Search to do it.
Drive to Work? DO NOT Refill Your Tank Until You’ve Learned of These 10 Ingenious Ways to Save Money on Gas
Here are 10 Ways You Can Reduce How Much You're Spending on Gas. You'll be kicking yourself for not doing some of these earlier!
Monmouth County has an Outbreak of the most Disgusting Disease of All Time: Scabies
You don't get infected. You get infested.
In case you Missed It: Here are the 14 Things From the 2019 Grammy Awards That Anyone Actually Cares About
Because no one really cares about the winners of kooky categories like Best Chamber Music/Small Ensemble Performance or Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance/Song.
Kyler Murray Should Play Baseball if He Doesn’t Like The Publicity That Comes With Being an NFL Quarterback
If Kyler can't take the heat, maybe he should get out of the kitchen.
Ariana Grande is Officially Being Sued for Copyright Infringement
Ariana Grande has released a few monster hit songs. However, a few of them have received some backlash from other artists and musicians for stealing their work. One artist has finally had enough, and officially has taken out a lawsuit against the mega star.
Britney Spears Named one of the Most Mentally Unstable Public Figures Of All Time: See Who Else Made the list
Britney joins people like King Henry VIII and Kanye West on the list of craziest famous people of all time.
Flight Passenger Arrested Trying to Smuggle 5,000 Live Leeches into Toronto
Man flying from Russia to Toronto, Canada arrested for trying to illegally smuggle contraband into Toronto, Canada. He was arrested at Toronto Pearson International Airport for "illegally importing an internationally regulated species (leech) without required permits."
Is Mac n’ Cheese Pasta? Is Cereal Technically Salad, soup, or Other? We’ve Answered 5 of the Food Industry’s (Least) Important Questions.
Is a hot dog a sandwich? Is a pineapple made of pine and apple? Neither? Click to read more.
Kendra Wilkinson is Dating Chad Johnson From The Bachelorette and I am Annoyed
Reality Stars Kendra Wilkinson and Chad Johnson have allegedly been seen going on "low-profile" dates; many are annoyed.
Flight Vanishes Over the English Channel: How the Hell Are We Still Losing Planes?
Professional Soccer Player Emiliano Sala, 28, was aboard the Piper Aircraft that recently went missing over the English Channel.
3 Lifeguards File Lawsuit against Borough of Belmar, NJ for Violating The New Jersey Law Against Discrimination (N.J.S.A. 10:5-12) (LAD)
3 lifeguards are suing the town of Belmar, NJ, claiming that the town chose to "discharge" them because of their age.
This Recently Arrested Registered Sex Offender Has Horn Implants in His Head that Make Him Even Creepier
This man looks so creepy that you already know that he's a sex offender before reading the article.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: Presidential Address Leaves Americans in Shock after Close-Up Shot of Trump Enlightens many of Obvious Facial Abnormality
Has the president always had this issue or are people just noticing now because of how prominent it was during the Presidential Address?
If Your 2019 New Years Resolution’s List Doesn’t Look Like This, You’re Doing it Wrong
You fail to achieve your New Year's Resolutions each and every year. But Don't go blaming your lazy ass's inability to work twards long term goals just yet. Maybe you we're destined to fail from the start by making your list entirely wrong. Here is a guide to writing your list of New Years Resolutions you'll actually want to follow through with.
People From Indiana are Astoundingly Dumb–This Video contains All the Proof Needed To Confirm Their Stupidity
Never doubt your intelligence again. If these two half-wits somehow have the brain capacity to function on their own in society, then you are mentally equipped to handle anything.
New Jersey Has the highest Amount of Young Americans still living with their parents
The real question to ask here is, how the hell did NJ only now become the state with the most young Americans living with their parents?
Sports-journalists Need to Stop Asking Players and Coaches about Their Future Plans, Concerns, Opponents, Etc.
If you are in sports journalism, do not do this. Coaches, players, all team affiliates, and FANS hate how often, yet useless this interview question is,
A Study has Confirmed That Attractive Women Can Have Sex With Almost Anyone, Anywhere, and Anytime
And it's the complete opposite scenario for guys.
Did Kit Harington AKA Jon Snow Bang a Russian Supermodel who claims to have nudes of him? Do You Think his Bush is Way too Hairy?
If these nudes end up being legit pics of Kit Harington (aka Jon Snow), then he really needs to trim his bush or change his name to Kit Hair-ington. Wordplay and Foreplay. Nothing better.
Last Week Proves that People from New Jersey Still Suck at Driving in the Snow
What do you get when you mix millions of angry commuters with a history of aggressive driving and an unexpected snow storm? A sh*tload of car accidents.
Is this a foul? Many are debating whether or not this controversial foul call was warranted–you be the judge.
College basketball fans across the country are currently debating whether or not this foul call was justified. The call resulted in the ejection of a player and was met with fierce disapproval. What do you think?
California is now a public state of emergency; These startling wildfire photos will make you wonder why the US Health and Human Services department didn’t do that earlier.
Some of the images of the deadliest wildfire in California-history are unlike anything we've ever seen before. In fact, they look more like something we thought we'd never see. The wildfires have been compared to underworlds, battlefields, the Apocalypse, etc. You have to see it to believe it, and these images certainly will make you believe it.
Kim Kardashian & Kanye West Hired Private Firemen to Save Dozens of Homes from Wildfire, Including their $60 Million Dollar Mansion.
The Kim Kardashian and Kanye West clan are one of Los Angeles's biggest power families. Both Kim and Kanye are controversial in their own way, but no matter your opinion, everyone can agree that what they did for their neighbors is an incredibly admirable act of kindness.
The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon Hosted a Surprise military homecoming for Active Duty Husband and Wife
We here at KillerTakes pride ourselves on our masculine manliness because we're really insecure about our potential femininity we have suppressed deep down, but what the Tonight Show did on yesterday's episode was so cute that it makes a newborn baby kitten look repugnant.
Vegas TV Reporter Arrested for Public Masturbation–Claimed That He Was scratching a Crotch-Rash that was “Itching Terribly.” Either Way it’s Gross.
Unfortunately for this reporter, Randy Howe (AKA Handy-Randy), you don't need fancy police forensics to tell the difference between stroking and scratching motions. Plus, the cop's have the bar's surveillance footage that shows Howe unzipping his pants and straight up cleaning his pipe.
Should you Watch Netflix’s “The Haunting of Hill House?” This 1 Question Quiz Can Tell if You’ll Love it or Hate It
Buyer's beware: the answer might be spookier than you ever expected! This must be how it feels to be a writer at Buzzfeed. I feel gross now.
Here are a Bunch of Tweets from an Account I hate and By the End of This, I Hope You Share my Feelings
There is a reason so many people are haterz...it's because it's a lot of fun.
How NBC’s Hit Sitcom “The Office” Brilliantly Advertised Products That We’re Hidden in Broad Daylight
And they did it so well that it makes you wonder if the show would've been actually worse WITHOUT product placement
Danny Leiner, Film Director of Multiple Cult Classic’s, is Dead at 57.
Danny Leiner leaves behind a legacy of stoner movies that we're so bad, they're good.
NFL’s Worst Team This Season is So Bad That They’d Do Better If They We’re Actively Trying To Lose
Cleveland Fans can relax knowing that there is at least one team that is definitely worse than they are this season. This team is the undisputed worst.
Does Your Lover Go Snooping through Your Phone? Have Them Arrested for Violating A Federal Crime
Are you Dating a criminal? Well, you are if your significant other has ever gone snooping through your phone.
Puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch Is Retiring After 50 Years–What Will Change?
Sesame Street has changed a lot lately. Be a good parent.
You don't want your kid growing up on the street.
There Are Enough Reasons to Believe that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s Relationship Might’ve Been For Publicity
Do you believe in Coincidences?
Snoop Dogg has Erectile Dysfunction and is Wildly Insecure About It
Snoop Dizzle is ashamed of his erectile dys-fizzle--chronic struggle with a soft pee-nizzle
Not Clickbait: These Fish are So Bizarre that They Make Reading This Blog About Fish Surprisingly Entertaining
^Don't want to mislead you, but the deep ocean is an asylum of fish craziness
Gloria is Definitely-Probably-Possibly Whose Dying On “Modern Family” Next Season
It's definitely-probably-possible. That isn't not-not incorrect for sure.
Have you Ever Heard a Parent Shrieking Outside of a Burning Building Their Child is Trapped in And Felt Urged to Help? Too bad.
Sucks to Be You; You'll never have the glory of saving a baby from a fire.
CDC finds that Puppies caused spread of infection–Would you risk these symptoms to play with the pups?
Would you trade a little infection to play with these puppies?
Brown’s 21-17 Win Over Jet’s Solidifies that Cleveland Fan-Base Sucks, Arguably the Worst Fans in All Sports
Brown's fans don't deserve a good team
Sarah Jessica Parker is Viciously Countersuing Claim that She stole $150,000 of Jewelry
If SJP loses she'll be forced to pay 150,000-- only 0.1% of her net worth.
BREAKING: Student Discovers Legacy-Altering Subliminal Message(s) in the Spider-man Trilogy After Watching All Three In a Single Sitting
Student's Subliminal Message Theory has been Confirmed by Actor Tobey Maguire, changing Spider-Man's legacy forever.
Viewer Discretion is Advised.
A Ghost Haunted Annasophia Robb (AKA the chick from “Soul Surfer”) and it Definitely Wanted to Bang Her
It kept trying to get her naked.
Diabetes Medication Found to Cause Flesh Eating Disease in Worst Possible Place to Have Flesh Eating Disease.
You wish it was your legs.
20-year Study finds link between Forehead Wrinkles and Heart disease–A List of Celebs Who Should go to the Cardiologist
These French Scientist's just made half of the world panic when their 20 year study found that prominent forehead wrinkles is tell-tale sign for cardiovascular disease. So yeah, thanks for making everyone ever think they're going die soon, assholes. Anyway, here's a list of celbrities who should maybe go to the cardiologist for a well-visit.… Continue reading 20-year Study finds link between Forehead Wrinkles and Heart disease–A List of Celebs Who Should go to the Cardiologist
Other TV Series Will Finally have a Fighting Chance as Game of Thrones Will Not be Eligible for the 2019 Emmy’s
Most blogs about TV shows, movies, books, porn, etc., begin the blog by telling the reader what the thing they're writing about is. But if you need someone to explain what Game of Thrones is to you in 2018 you might want to just check into a psych ward because you're too far gone. The… Continue reading Other TV Series Will Finally have a Fighting Chance as Game of Thrones Will Not be Eligible for the 2019 Emmy’s
Jealous Husband didn’t want wife Taking Photo with Jason Momoa (AKA Khal Drogo and Aquaman); the Resulting Photo Tells you Why
Anyone in The World Could Have Guessed That This Fan Photo Would Go Viral
Holmdel Highschool Catches SuperIntendent Defecating on Track and Field, quickly nicknamed ‘Pooper-intendent’
Talk about a crappy situation.
LADIES: Here is The Perfect Tinder or Bumble Bio
Rape jokes never work.
Overweight North Americans: Here is Why You Should Stay Fat for Your Health
SHOULD READ: We endorse KillerTakes, Not KillerTakers...(of lives).
Did Luis Perdomo Just become the Biggest Coward In All of Sports?
You don't normally here "We got a runner on the mound." Cant imagine how much of a little pre-teen he'll feel like when he's sitting on the bench watching the game he is suspended in....I suggest he just throw some booze in his mitt and call it a day. Though I am pretty sure this… Continue reading Did Luis Perdomo Just become the Biggest Coward In All of Sports?