Entertainment, TV

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon Hosted a Surprise military homecoming for Active Duty Husband and Wife

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The manliest of men struggle to hold back tears whenever service men and women surprise their loved ones by unexpectedly gracing their family or dog or kids with their return.

The Tonight Show reunited a husband and wife–both of which serve(d) for the armed forces. And they it so perfectly…honestly, the audience did not see this surprise coming at all. I was stunned watching it on the television.

Many of the audience members at the show we’re vets or active duty men and women int eh service. As a way to say thank you, Jimmy was going to randomly pick an audience member (each seat had a piece of paper with a number on it. Fallon randomly picked out a number, and brought up the audience member to play him in The Whisper Challenge–a game/segment that Fallon often plays with his celebrity guests.

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The goal of the game is to basically try and read one another’s lips. Either Jimmy or his guest puts on noise canceling headphones so that they cannot hear the phrase their opponent reads the phrase off of a note-card.

So the random audience members comes up in front of the crowd and the two play a couple rounds, until Jimmy Fallon picks up his 3rd card to read his next phrase. Behind the audience member, a man in uniform sneaks up and stands behind her. Jimmy Fallon reads the phrase, ‘Your husband is behind you.” The audience member didn’t know what the f**k Jimmy was saying, so at the risk of the husband awkwardly standing their for too long, he simply turned the card around so she could read it herself.

Melt your heart for yourself:

Entertainment, General Humor, Social

Vegas TV Reporter Arrested for Public Masturbation–Claimed That He Was scratching a Crotch-Rash that was “Itching Terribly.” Either Way it’s Gross.

Randy Howe is a Las Vegas Sports reporter for Channel 3 out there. Howe is a forgettable reporter, but a memorable masturbation. On November 6th, Howe was arrested and charged for gross lewdness and indecent exposure.

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My brother once asked my Dad if he accompany him on a trip to Las Vegas. My Dad was not sure as he had his concerns. Dad responded with, “I don’t know bud…I think it’s for the best if you’re not exposed to the indecency of Las Vegas.” I doubt that Dad was talking about the type of indecent exposure that Howe’s involved in. Maybe he did mean it in that way… what the hell is going on in Vegas? Why? Howe?

 

 

I finally understand why people say ,”What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” It’s because they don’t want people like Handy-randy anywhere near them. Literally, what the hell is wrong with Handy-Randy? Howe the hell are there people in this world that are so weird that they decide to take a trip to the bar at 9:15 A.M. only to sit at a slot machine and rub the one eyed snake. People rub tings for good luck, right? Maybe he was trying to get a little luck out to hit the jackpot on the slot machine. But something tells me that Howe wasn’t expecting luck to be what comes out of the one-eyed snake.

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Tell me if you believe his excuse:

Howe denies that he was flogging the dolphin, claiming that he was merely, “itching terribly.”

 Howe insisted he was not masturbating, saying he had a severe rash and was scratching himself, the report said. He said he “probably shouldn’t have been scratching himself at the bar and that it was a bad decision,” according to the report.-The Las Vegas Review

Uh, Okay…………………………………………………………………………

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Even if that we’re true…what the fuck is going on in your crotch area that is so itchy that you can’t stop scratching in a very public place.

 

But Howe was lying. Because he is perverse. The police have enough handy-dandy evidence to arrest Handy-Randy that proves the sportscaster’s cock-itchiness claim is a straight up lie:

A worker told responding officers they noticed the patron display “strange behavior,” which included walking to the bathroom with his penis outside his pants, police said. Surveillance video reviewed by police showed the patron unzip his pants and fondle himself, according to the report. —The Las Vegas Review

Howe are you going to lie your way out of this one, Howe? Your dick was so itchy that you’re fingers just weren’t doing the trick so you pulled your dong out of your zipper so you could scratch your scrotum against the metal ridges of the zipper but you accidentally cut it so you had to go to the bathroom to clean up the blood, and unfortunately couldn’t move your wang from the clutches of your zipper as you’d be risking  complete destruction?

One cannot help but wonder what is so sexually arousing for Howe to spank the monkey in a public bar at 9 AM. The atypical male-masturbation throws on some beautifully nasty stuff from one of the major porn sites. Or, if you’re into the vintage, retro style of porn pics, you might whip open a playboy center-fold to wrinkle as you clutch the page while achieving ecstasy.

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But Howe doesn’t do that…what turns him on his being at a bar early in the morning and just doing it while cranking down on his lever–in addition to the slot machines lever. Honestly…what can the crowd possibly look like at a bar in North Vegas at 9:15 A.M. I can’t imagine there being too many attractive women there. As my thirst for knowledge ceases to be quenched, I sought out information from my Father, who is one of two people I know personally that have been to Las Vegas:

Me: Dad….the crowd at a bar in North Vegas at 9:00 AM must be gross and ugly, right?

Dad: You’d be surprised.

Me: Oh yeah? How do you know?

Dad: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, son. 

I hope that phrase is true because I don’t want him touching himself or anything close to me. I decree a personal restraining order that requires Handy Randy Howe to never come closer than 2,625 miles from me (that’s the exact distance from my house to Vegas. Ha.) Sick people in this world man. I bet Howe doesn’t vaccinate his kids. Let’s not open that can of worms right now.

opinion, Social, You’re being lied

Here are a Bunch of Tweets from an Account I hate and By the End of This, I Hope You Share my Feelings

Why this account and UberFacts are garbage:

It tweets the same facts over and over, meaning it is both too lazy to go on Wikipedia, or it thought that a certain tweet did not do as well as they thought it would.

It tweets the same facts as @Uberfacts (not that I like UberFacts, the two copy from headteacher and each share my hatred).

The facts are all wrong, askew, misinterpreted, or are massively broad,  over-exaggerations (For example, it will tweet ‘the most important factor” necessary to be happy. And two days later, it will tweet how something else is the most important thing for happiness). They don’t do shit to be correct, just want more traffic.

They is ignant. My captions are even more ignant.

 

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I know the answer to this one! It’s because the people who invented Tennis, aka Europeans, can’t count.

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I don’t think that’s “thy kingdom come” is supposed to mean in the Our-Father but to each their own.

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Me: Do you think I am dumb?

Man in Mirror: Nah Man! You are more smarter than I am!

Me: I am confused.

Man in Mirror: In summation, you are both crazy and dumb.

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Oh get off your fucking high horses, quiet people. There is nothing I can’t stand more than people who are quiet that think they’re better than everyone else, and are silently judging people and snivel to themselves because they think that they’re so clever. ,Lets be real, you are afraid of speaking, and afraid of what others will think of you.

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Sober Persians: Sparta is pretty. We should consider going after it.

Drunk Persians (with drunk goggles on): Damn! Sparta looking like a damn snack! All up in their Trojan get ups and shit. 300 looking more like a porno than an underdog war story. I am tryna get see how greasy that small section of Greec can get!

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This was probably found out by someone who was really bored.

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PETA is getting god damn ridiculous.

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That’s like Toyota switching from manufacturing cars to boats…Uh, don’t know what I picked Toyota…lets go with Chevy. Yeah, that’s like Chevy switching to boats.

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Alicia clearly has never explore any popular gay porn sites. Um, not that I have either…

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And now we know why the of Lord of the Rings fanbase is 85% comprised of 30+ year-old virgins.

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No shit sherlock. “If you sleep, you will be more rested than you we’re before.” No shit. Tell me something more obvious…is murder illegal? Is the sky blue? Is the NCAA full of corrupt pigs? Was that an opinion?

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So that means somewhere in its Database, Facebook has noted that I was watching Czechoslovakian women shooting ping pong balls out of each of their holes (their goal was to try and shoot one ball out the ass, and one out the V but at the same time and into a bucket…they didnt do it. But it was really fascinating).

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some lucky lady is probably out there with a shrine dedicated to me, writing down Mrs. McNamara over and over again in a notebook, fantasizing about me, her prince charming. I wonder who it is… I wonder if I’d be disappointed.

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I wonder what it’d feel like to be burning alive while giving birth….maybe Casey Anthony will tell me when I see her burning in hell.

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So who the hell is using the 36 grand it cost me to learn things I could have just read on Wikipedia?

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Oh yeah? My parents are divorced…don’t see how that really applies here dickhead.

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Yeah it might be your brain trying to figure it out, but it can’t be healthy to be thinking about your job 24/7. If you’re dreaming about spreadsheets every-night, you might as well blow your brains out.

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You can’t even sleep correctly.

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You know what will be really hilarious is when people askew this statistic because they find out they die for another reason, and then get super depressed, which then speeds up their death date.

 

Pls like share and follow and if you don’t, I swear to God, every piece of paper in this town will have the F-word on it. The f-word. You have one day.

Dating, Entertainment, Romance

There Are Enough Reasons to Believe that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s Relationship Might’ve Been For Publicity

Everyone loves reading about a couple that is moving way too fast. And the tabloids are going nuts over Bieber and Baldwin, and Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Oh, I don’t think that most people eat up the gossip for their love. I think they like to see how everyone knows how destructive making an impulsive choice like getting engaged after a month can be.

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Because Love makes you do some crazy things, but infatuation will make you do things that will get you checked into an Asylum. Just like everyone is waiting for either Justin Bieber or Haley Baldwin to file for an annulment, everyone was waiting for America’s favorite couple to crash and burn–Pistol Pete and Awesome Ariana (more like Pitiful Pete and Awful Ariana).

But, some have speculated–some being me and my sister–that it all might have been fake. I wouldn’t say I am a conspiracy theorist persay, but more I do believe that the government has secret artificial intelligence that’s living among us and gathering information on everyone.

The Timeline of events that Happened was Way too Coincidental:

Ariana Grande’s entire relationship was covered by the tabloids on a day to basis, literally from the moment of their relationships inception. Ariana split with Mac Miller in early May. Shortly after, Pete Davidson is approached by Scooter Braun–manager to both Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber–who tells him that Arana Granda is very interested in Davidson said he “couldn’t fucking believe it.” Yeah..neither can we.

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Davidson and Grande then hangout at an SNL afterparty–4 days after she announced her and Mac’s breakup on Instagram. And then 4 days after that Davidson announced on his Instagram that he and his girlfriend (Larry David’s daughter…gonna be a real career booster breaking her heart). And then 4 days after that the two announced their relationship together! The power of 4s! The tabloids went nuts for the story. It’s so juicy it seems…unreal.

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They begin doing late night interviews  professing their love like Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark (Peeta Davidson lol)–and everyone believes that their love is strong and true because Pete Davidson is that guy who is too high, shameless, and brutally open to lie.And Ariana Grande acts like a little girl that is too “innocent” to exaggerate their love.  You know who else had to exaggerate their relationship? Peeta and Katniss.

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The two have done about a bazillion things to keep them as the Prom King and Queen of the media. EX: Pete talking about how amazing their sex is, Ariana mentioning his large dong, and Pete telling the world that he’s stunned that Grande allows him to stay at her house considering she is so much richer than him. Endless comments we’re made on one another’s Instagram about their love The two got numerous tattoos for the the other, a few of them matching.

Fact: 100% of couples that get matching tattoos regret it. You never hear

Grande and Davidson are engaged less than a month of her announcement of her and Mac Miller’s breakup. Less. Than. A. Month. We knew Pete Davidson was impulsive, “because fuck it,” he always says–but damn…how high were you man?

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And after that, the media just came everywhere about their engagament. Pcitures of their wedding ring go viral, reports of Grande’s liked tweets are studied for as much information as possible.

On June 19th, one week after their engagement, Ariana drops her album, Sweetener, and it has wild success–it debuts at number 1 on the billboard charts.

At this point, the couple seems to be unavoidable for those with access  to the internet. The day after her album release, Pete and her get matching tattoos. Nothing like making permanent markings to your body as a gesture of your love for something that is inevitably going to destruct.

The Grande and Davidson coupley stuff takes a back burner at this time to Baldwin and Bieber as Baldwin and Bieber are engaged on July 7th, and married on the 13th.

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The media goes bananland. Girls everywhere are sad. One has to wonder if the common factor (Manager Scooter Braun) has anything to do with these attention-drawing quick marriages.

Just after that, Mac Miller passes away on September . Ariana apparently took it very hard as she always tried to help her ex with his sobriety. Despite the news just breaking, Ariana and Pete split up over a week ago because, “Ariana has been devastated and Pete couldn’t handle it. She realized she needs a grown-up who can support her and that’s not him.”

Ariana plans to go home to “be with her loved ones and work on her new album without a deadline.” She also said that she will be taking a break from the public life for a while.

The Theory:

I personally believe that Ariana Grande used the wild roller-coaster of absolutely awful decisions that was her relationship with Pete Davidson as a publicity stunt to garner attention towards her because she was dropping her album. Other than going on late night talk shows or doing random interviews or throwing up a “download my album next friday!”, musicians can’t really sell advertisements. So, if you think about it, one way to get some free advertising is just to get yourself in some E-news…because every time someone writes an article about an artist, they’ll mention at some point in the article about the album dropping they just will because it’s something relevant happening that person’s life.

What Confirms the Theory

1.  Scooter Braun is Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande’s manager. It makes sense that both couples that got engaged right away–garnering a ton of attention–would have the same manager.

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2. . Scooter Braun approached Davidson about the relationship. Doesn’t it seem odd for a manager to be controlling someone’s romantic life? You’re telling me that Ariana, or someone in her posse, didn’t know someone else famous that could get Pete’s number? Or Slid into his DM’s? I know he doesn’t like social media but hot damn, I am sure he’d have liked that.

3. After being approached by Braun, Davidson broke up with his girlfriend (Cazzie David) after two years of dating. Two years! Dropped just like that after one conversation…I know it’s Ariana Grande, but damn…kinda sounds like there was something else involved.

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4. Ariana Grande went to Pete Davidson’s SNL show on Saturday and hungout afterward’s with Davidson and their friends. Fox reported that the couple actually broke up a week ago and it was just announced the other day. Yet, the couple was looking couply as ever at the SNL show after party.  Grande’s people have since said that she was there so none of their friends would think anything is wrong between them “as they didn’t want their breakup to get publicity.” Are you kidding? What a brutal excuse. Can’t Davidson just tell their friends that she is feeling under the weather? And I really don;t know any boyfriend that can stand being in the same room with their ex-girlfriend that literally just dumped them. Wouldn’t the perfect excuse to throw people off of the trail that they want publicity to say that they were actually trying to shield publicity? It’s all very coincidental.

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5.  Haley Baldwin commented this on Scooter Braun’s instagram picture he posted of him and his wife:

This is just BEFORE Bieber and Baldwin got together. So we know Braun brought them together. The man might be a publicity genius.

6.  Just after the Ariana Grande and Davidson split, reports today have come out that a source has said that Justin still is not over Selena Gomez–causing problems between him and Haley. The timing is wild.

 

 

7. Scottie Braun aspires to be, “a major media mogul.” And Scooter is known for his “aggressive online cross-promotion between clients.” So their manager’s forte is promoting his client’s by having them interact? Interesting.

8. Multiple times, Ariana Grande has been accused of moving too fast with Pete, especially after Baldwin and Bieber got engaged. And Multiple times, she has defended herself in anger. If you accuse someone of something that isnt true, their first reaction isnt to get angry and defend themselves. The normal reaction is deny the accusation with confusion about how they arrived at the accusation. Or they find the accusation almost comical because they find it absurd. People that get defensive because they know the accusation is true. Ariana fighting online with random twitter trolls about the legitimacy  of her and Pete’s love. Sounds like someone feels guilty.

9. Ariana Grande has told a fan on Twitter that the music she is making is “sick.”

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Entertainment, Men's Health, Music

Snoop Dogg has Erectile Dysfunction and is Wildly Insecure About It

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Snoop Dogg is the spokesperson for ForHims–a company that sells personal wellness products for men. They call baldness and erectile dysfunction optional because of their products.

Here is Snoop doing a ForHims commercial advertising their remedy for Erectile Dysfunction.


THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT SNOOP DOGG HAS A CLAUSE IN HIS CONTRACT THAT SAYS HE ISN’T AFFECTED BY ED. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Are you serious? Can’t ForHims get someone to endorse that this product works? If Snoop Dogg really doesn’t get erectile dysfunction, then why the hell should I buy a product that he says works when he doesn’t even use it?

That’s like Dunkin’ Donuts coming out with a commercial where the spokesperson says,

“Hey, I am not a coffee drinker, but you should drink this coffee because it’s the best for your coffee needs! Again, I personally don’t use this product, so I really don’t know if it’s good or not to meet your coffee needs, but you should get it because it’s the best!”

If Snoop Dogg truly can endorse ForHims based on his personal experience with their ED vitamins, then he is literally so insecure about not being able to make his little snoop into a big Dogg that he actually did a commercial where he MADE A POINT to say that he doesn’t have boner probs in the bedroom.

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Snoop, if you’re worried about your image being tarnished or something, you don’t have to worry! You do a show with Martha Stewart. You host the horrendous game show “Jokers Wild.” Your rep in the public eye already low. You can’t raise your rep after that….kinda like something else of yours that can’t rise up.

(At least we know why Snoop wanted to endorse ForHims.)

Snoop, you’re a 46 year-old hundred-millionaire that smokes enough weed to singlehandedly keep California’s economy afloat. I think that whoever you are sleeping with has a reasonable expectation that your d-o-double pee pee might not work considering your last brain cell just got higher than a 747 from a 3-lb joint you just finished. Honestly, you shouldn’t be worried about your insecurities about your erectile dysfunction, you should worry about lung dysfunction.

I spent a lot of time bashing Snoop Dizzle, but I gotta say, he seems just so lovable, kinda soft and cuddly–Just like his faulty phallus!

If you have ED issues, don’t feel emasculated or embarrassed…those ideals come from early-mid 20th century ideals of masculinity…I mean, this outdated thinking comes from a time where the man at the forefront of WW2 and the Holocaust famously had micro-penis. Yes, Adolf Hitler, the sick gentrifier who’s beliefs we’re so backwards that he did something as horrible as the Holocaust, reinforced animalistic, uncivilized thought processes of what makes a man a man. So basically, if you feel embarrassed about your ED, you agree with Hitler’s beliefs. Denounce Nazi’s. Denounce scrotal scrutiny.

And if you do have ED, it’s not a big deal! Everyone gets whiskey dick from time-to-time. Many get dick diminishing side effects from medication. Even hormone enraged teens get a soft slug from nerves or jitters–or anyone that’s nervous for that matter! You don’t want to live a short life (and we’re not talking about life expectancy in terms of age, but life expectancy in terms of inches).

Talk it up so you can get it up!

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Entertainment, Pets and Animals

Not Clickbait: These Fish are So Bizarre that They Make Reading This Blog About Fish Surprisingly Entertaining

Here are some pictures of real, underwater creatures that are either super nasty, creepy, pretty, or funny enough to keep you entertained. Some would argue that these facts are “WTF” facts (What The Fish facts)

They say we have only researched 5% of the ocean floor–we are lucky to have discovered the following useless knowledge about the creatures of the deep:

 

The Barrel Eye Fish

Honestly, this fish is god damn unbelievable. The top of it’s face is literally transparent so you can see it’s brains and stuff. Honestly, the inner mechanicians of its mind are an enigma.

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THESE ARE UN-EDITED.

They literally look like they have a small solar system in their brains. They probably do. In case you are wondering, the transparent part is to help the fish see through it’s skull.

 

Sarcastic Fringehead

I have found a part of the internet made up excllusively of marine biologists that think the name “Sarcastic Fringehead” for this fish is like the funniest thing ever said.

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WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY LAUGHING AT? That might be the scariest thing I’ve ever seen! I bet they find Stephen King Novel’s are hilarious too.

Peanut Worm

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This creature of the deep goes out to all you ladies out there. It should’ve been the Ron Jeremy worm. That doesn’t look anything like a peanut!

Black Swallower

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…The black Swallower pretty much made this list because I thought the name sounded dirty.

It can stretch it’s throat and stomach to fit big ass things in it. The preceding sentence was purposely written with vague vocabulary so that there for the sexual innuendo.

Frilled Shark

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Some call it a “living fossil” because it, at minimum, dates back to the Late cretaceous period (95 million years ago), and quite possibly the Late Jurassic Period (150 million years ago).

You’d pretty much never see this alive in the ocean (BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE ALREADY KILLED YOU) (kidding) because it’s so deep. We pretty much know it exists because of carcasses washing ashore. It’s been seen rarely by deep sea dives in its natural habitat.

Goblin Shark

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Does it kinda look like a goblin to you?

As you have probably guessed, its name DOES NOT come from looking like a goblin, but because when it eats, it gobbles like a turkey.

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Unfortunately, I am kidding.

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It’s named Goblin Shark because its big ass nose makes it look ugly as fuck like those pricks from Harry Potter’s Gringots.

Giant Sea Spiders….

suck.

The deepest spot in the ocean is the MArine Trench off of the coast of Japan. Because of this, normal sized creatures have Gigantic creatures apart of the same family (like Colossal squid, Jellyfish, etc.) Being large helps them survive because food is sparce at the bottom of the ocean so the bigger they are, the better they can fight and demolish their prey.

So yeah this is a real thing:

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Everyone ever:

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More!

um………………………………………………………………………………………………..excuse me……………..  ……………………………………………but like…………………………………………………………………………….  ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………      ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….fucking Ew?

Hydromedusa

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This is a hydro medusa jellyfish. It can come in many forms and can look really aesthetically pleasing. Amazing that these jellies can produce that light in places that barely, if ever, get sunlight. Here is a rainbow hydro-medusa:

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Cant help but notice that the transparent part resembles the reservoir tip of a condom.

Game of Thrones Brittle Starfish

This is a type of brittle star that is named after GoT because the people that discovered in in New Caledonia thought it’s sharp thorns make it look like the Game of Thrones crown.

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I mean… I guess. But the explorers from New Caledonia (????) best be prepared to answer the call when real GoT fans ask, WHICH CROWN, MY LORD?

Deep Sea Hatchetfish

These fish literally look like they are the dead, zombie versions of dory. They shuld make an R-rated spin off of Finding Dory where Dory’s parents come back to haunt her and, because of her short term memory, she doesn’t realize they’re her parents and was never in harm’s way!

Don’t show this to children:

Found Dory…in my god damn nightmares.

Scale Worms

These are worms so evolved that they can survive the harshest environments around the world, stemming from living in the deepest parts of the ocean.

That’s cool and all, but they are straight up fricking gross and scary looking:

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Is that a scale worm or a shocked grandma? These are literally making me feel too ill.

They look like this when they “turn their mouths inside out” to eat.

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That’s enough internet for the day.

Goodbye.

 

P.S. Here is your casual under-water lake. No big deal…just a lake in a lake.

Entertainment, TV

Gloria is Definitely-Probably-Possibly Whose Dying On “Modern Family” Next Season

Co-creator of Modern Family Christoper Lloyd told Entertainment Weekly that a significant character dies next season:

(Entertainment Weekly) “We’re handling some bigger life events in this season,” he says. “We do deal with a death, which is certainly a topic that families have to deal with, and on television, it’s not easy to do because that’s a heavy subject. But at the same time, it would seem unusual for a family not to go through it.”

Not surprisingly, Lloyd isn’t revealing who is headed six feet under — or if it’s one of the main family members — but he promises that he/she is a “significant character on the series” and the death “will be a moving event — and an event that has repercussions across several episodes.”

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My face after immediately knowing who it would be.

Unfortunately, we dont have access to the cast of Modern Family’s contracts.

Fortunately for you, I tend to watch Modern Family when nothing better is on TV.  I am pretty much an expert on shows that you settle for. Have I watched them completely out of order? Yes. Do I know the exact chronology? Time is a circle (Source: Arrival). Still questioning if I know the timeline? Getting Excited?

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For starters, you can pretty much safely assume that none of the younger kids dying. Haley and under are safe because it just would not work for the show’s genre. A parent losing their child is the worst thing that can happen to them. Everyone in the show would be effected immensely, and there is no way to make it moving, while somehow being funny. I dont think audiences would love the death of a child either.

Gloria: Frontrunner to die. See ya 6 feet under!

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Gloria’s walk through the shadow of death makes the most sense as her and Jay’s immediate family has the biggest opportunity to keep the lighthearted feel, while still empathizing for the family’s loss. This is how the family dynamic’s would play out should Gloria pass on:

Jay would put on a tough exterior as to not worry Mitch and Claire and their families.He’d never want to talk about it, while silently suffering, looking at photos of her every night  before bed. Mitch and Claire would yap on the phone about how to approach Jay and be there for him, but both feel that their relationships with Jay guarantees uncomfortably. Phil would respond by being very, very upset, but his heart would break for Jay. Phil would inappropriately hug Jay and tell him that he’s there for him, to Jay;s annoyance.

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Mitch is bound to have an awkward talk with Jay, urged by Cam. Jay and Gloria’s other son, Joe, is just too young to understand what is really happening. Manny will be deeply distraught, but is already somewhat of a drama queen so it sort of works. I can just see him reciting Edgar Allen Poe in his dark room for two months.

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The things that could happen are endless. I can see Gloria’s family in Colombia attempting have Gloria return to Colombia for a burial in her home country with proper religious rituals. Jay would fight to keep her by her kids.

Easily, you can see Manny’s dad attempting to get custody of Manny. Jay’d fight for Manny since he wants him to stay, in addition to Manny not wanting to be forced to move to Colombia. Their bond would strengthen and seal forever. Additionally, I can easily see Jay trying to get Manny ready for adulthood and its responsibilities out of fear that he doesn’t have enough time left to live until Joe can be on his own. Then, Manny would need to be there for him.

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A situation where Jay shows a moment of vulnerability would definitely happen somewhere in there between he and an unlikely witness to said vulnerability that strengthens their bond (I can picture this happening with Mitch, Claire, Phil, or Cam).

I really cant picture any other situation playing out.They would not kill Mitch or Claire, or anyone from the Claire-Phil family as it would be too emotionally draining. And it would be such a Cop out if Phil’s father dies because they already did an entire episode where his Mother dies (Season 4, Ep. 24 “Goodnight Gracie”).

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Some think Jay could pass as he is the oldest and it would tie up the show in a nice little bow as the family comes together to try and help Jay, who upon his death, smiles because he has fully prepared his children to deal with the world and their family, while fulfill Gloria and Cam’s wishes of not feeling like some sort of outsider.

Cam is the only other character you could make an argument for that they’ll be written off as he is sorta on the outside, relatively.

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His death would require Mitch to step to full time duties with Lily while working. Mitch would rely on his family more and more for help, making everyone closer.

So yeah, see ya Gloria. Sorry for the typos. DUECES !

Movies, You’re being lied to

Have you Ever Heard a Parent Shrieking Outside of a Burning Building Their Child is Trapped in And Felt Urged to Help? Too bad.

Have you ever wondered why the parent screaming, “Help! My baby is in there!’ outside a burning building?

I mean, what bad parent would run out of a burning building before helping their child? You’d think that they’d stay their, doing anything for their child. Most parents would agree that they’d trade their lives to save their kid’s. And most would go down with a fire trying to save their child, especially if they couldn’t get to the child due to wreckage.

I am sure that had that weird, “I feel like I’m forgetting something,” feeling when she was gunning it down the fire escape. Watch this scene where Tobey Maguire gives a baby he saved from a burning building to back this ABSOLUTELY UNSCATHED couple.

You could argue that the person chose to run outside and grab a firefighter to come chop through the wreckage, but could you really ever leave your child there alone, to wonder if they’re going to die or not? I doubt it. And honestly, the human body can do amazing things when in extraordinary, grave situations (shout-out to adrenaline for helping people lift up cars). There is nothing stronger than a parent’s sheer fucking will to save their child.

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Lets say that in our hypothetical situation, the parent that was crying outside did everything they could for as long as they could until the fire raged to a point where they thought that abandoning the kid to go outside and scream for help was their last and only option.

If you ran in to help the kid, do you really think that there is something that you can do that a Parent couldn’t do to save their kid?We are capable of astonishingly breath-taking feats of strength and pain to save our children, like lifting up cars or blocking out the pain from a gashing wound. Interstellar told us that evolution tells us that ensuring our kid’s survival becomes our will to live. We live for our children. We die for our children. What in Santa Clause’s asshole do you think your over-confident ass could do in a fire that the crying parent couldn’t?

And by the way, you’re running into a fire that got so bad it forced said parent^ to leave. You are running into certain death. You cant help anyone if your body is roasted to a medium-well crisp.

Are there even fires anymore.

Well… not really, but still kinda, well I mean yes, but everything is relative, you know?

In 2015, there we’re about than 1,345,000 fires in the United States according to Fema.

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If you, like myself, reacted like the duck pictured above because 1.35 million fires is a preposterously large number. It literally made my super duper best friend in the whole entire world do a double (killer) take:

…also you should keep in mind that it really is not a preposterously large number for fires.Firstly, that stat counts each fire as any fire that firemen responded to. Meaning it includes everything from wildfires to restaurant kitchen mishaps.  Secondly, 1.35 million fires is actually down 19% annually since 2006

The US averaged 358k structure fires per year from 2011-2014, meaning any literally house, building, barn, outhouse, etc.  where “more than one of it’s components catches fire.”

Pretend all 358,000 structure fires came solely from households.  Only 0.28% of homes would be affected. 0.28%. For comparison, have a 1 in 7.2 chance of being disfigured, disabled, or killed by a parasite (13%) in your lifetime! 13%! Compare 13% to 0.28%. that isn’t even 0.28% of being injured by a fire! It’s a 0.28% chance that your home is one of the 358 thousand out of America’s 122.2 Million homes *affected* by a structure fire. Parasites! 1/7.2! Antibiotics now!

To make my argument stronger, I have chosen not to get a quote from a paid-fireman–mostly because I couldn’t frigging find one. It is easier to find the fountain of Youth or the city of el dorado than a professional fire-fighter (69% or 788,000 of all firefighters are volunteers).

Let that sink in.

More than 2/3rds of firemen are volunteers. No duh, the government isn’t going to pay firemen when there’s no fires. Being a firemen would be like being a lawyer in a country with no laws.

Of course, I am not belittling firefighters. I cant even imagine what it’s like to run into a burning building. tend to underestimate the danger firemen put themselves because they are wear fire-retardant gear. The reality is that the real danger comes from being crushed by something falling, or getting trapped under a ceiling. It’s hard to imagine running into a task with the goal of finishing one’s work before time runs out, which is when building collapsing on them. Talk about a job with a deadline.

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It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire.

It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire that all components head-to-toe are covered in flames.

It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire that all components head-to-toe are covered in flames and has one or more parents outside of it squawking about their trapped child whom they somehow left in the building.

It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire that all components head-to-toe are covered in flames and has one or more parents outside of it squawking about their trapped child whom they somehow left in the building, and has rubberneckers just watching the building ablaze, you’d ignore the bystander effect, attempt to take the responsibility normally assumed by Firemen, and ignore police shouting not to go in the building.

Okay so what did we learn?

–You’ll never be presented with a heroic situation to run into a burning building

–You are being dumb for running into the building

–Someone should question if it is in the best interest of the child to return to a parent that is willing to leave them for dead from a structure fire.

–If you really want to help you should either ask an officer or firemen or call social worker  for the self centered parent. Can’t stress that that person should not be a child’s dependent enough.

–You have a moderate chance of being killed or disabled by a parasite (1 in 7.2)– We need parasite-fighters not firefighters! If only people could be volunteer doctor’s like you could firemen. Too bad that will never happen because being a volunteer firemen doesn’t require hundreds of thousands of dollars and 8 years minimum minimum to be a doctor! And then 3 years of residency to know what your doing!

 

EDITORIAL UPDATE******* I just remembered that parents house burned down and lost everything in it. Now I feel really bad.

Health and Lifestyle, Pets and Animals

CDC finds that Puppies caused spread of infection–Would you risk these symptoms to play with the pups?

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First of all, the article that initially reported on the CDC finding embellished almost every important part of the article to make the infection seem so much worse than it was.

The article said, “Puppies to blame for sickening hundreds of people” in  “multiple states.” Firstly, only 118 people got sick. I guess any number over 100 classifies as ‘hundreds.’ Secondly, “multiple states” was referring to more than one state.

And all that might be excusable if the infection was deadly as the article implies, but it ins’t deadly at all. In fact, the article only listed one symptom associated with the bacteria, Camplyobacter: diarrhea.

Yeah, no doubt I’d trade diarrhea to play with those lovable as fuck little shits.

Those puppies are so fucking it burns my insides. Maybe that’s diarrhea. You could tell me the diarrhea was going to travel up to my stomach and implode in my esophagus, killing me in the process, and I’d still trade it to play with the puppers.

Classic media complaining about nothing, just trying to change public perception of puppies, and make you fear random illnesses. Puppies are not the enemy, ABC. Watch Isle of Dogs for references, ABC.

Entertainment, Sports

Brown’s 21-17 Win Over Jet’s Solidifies that Cleveland Fan-Base Sucks, Arguably the Worst Fans in All Sports

Cleveland sports are often associated with misery, gloominess, loss, and a general feeling of depression. Why is it that everytime we picture Cleveland sports, there’s always a cloudy sky? Even though the Cavaliers play inside at Quicken Loans Arena, isn’t it still somehow god damn cloudy?

Brown’s fans are rejoicing for their first win in 20 games. You’d think the Brown’s won a lottery that they all chipped in for so they could buy decent players.If any other fan’s talked the way Brown’s fan’s are, people would be squashing their happiness with shit-talk. Internet trolls work fast. browns-fans-after-week-2-onflmeme-broluns-browns-fans-now-18355354

However, this isn’t happening withe Browns. And If you express how you think Brown’s fans are over-celebrating and over-estimating how big of a feat their first win is to  any football fan, they’ll respond with, “Oh come on. They’ve had such bad luck for so long– they deserve it.” They deserve it? Why? For being disloyal to their team? Just because you root for a team that’s been brutally mismanaged by its owners for years doesn’t entitle you to jack shit. Cry about it.

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Is it because you spent $200 on that mask just to cheer for an 0-16 season?

First of all, with the way Brown’s fan’s are celebrating their win, you’d think the Son of God reincarnated himself to return as the Brown’s starting quarterback, while Satan and his demons ran the defense.

Ok relax dog pound. One single game was won. One. Against the Jets. I know that there can sometimes be “get over the hump” effect where it might feel really hard to get that first win, and once that win comes the W’s start rolling, but get realistic. It’s been one win. You know who else has 1 win in the NFL’s opening 3-weeks? The Jets. Boom. Need I say more?

The Brown’s getting their first W against the Jet’s is like losing your virginity to a hired hooker. Yes, you technically got what you wanted, but do you really want that to be your first?

Secondly, Brown’s fans are just the most disrespectful fans in the game. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around how disrespectful Brown’s fans are for their team.

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This is something that a fanbase of opposing team’s do. I think the eagles did something like this during for their opponents in Minnesota during the playoffs last year.

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Why would the player’s even want to win for fans that are so disrespectful to them?

After all this, the Brown’s organization recognized that their fan-base has sort of given up on hoping for win’s. The fan’s stop rooting for their team, and game attendance declined.

The Brown’s organization had to incentivize their fans to come to their games, get fans rooting for the Brown’s again. The Cleveland Brown’s now have their famous “beer-prize.” Everytime Cleveland gets a win, bud light fridges all over the CITY open up and free beer is given to the fans. Literally the city is supplied with beer for a giant party.

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Loyal fans would agree with me that nothing keeps you from rooting for your team. Additionally, loyal fans would never not go to a game just because their team sucks. Even if they are so bad that it’ almost a guaranteed loss, loyal fans go to the game no matter what–even if the game doesn’t even matter in the long run. Brown’s fans were disloyal and abandoned ship, only to come back when the organization literally begged the fans to root for them again by promising free beer with every win. No matter how much a team may struggle, you’ll never see a team from the NFC East beg their fans to attend with free beer. Thick and thin.

Football stadiums stop serving alcohol early in the 3rd quarter to help ensure that no one can buy alcohol too close to possibly operating a car. I guess Cleveland promotes drunk  driving:

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Hmmm…nothing about DD’s or DWI’s here.

Oh, here’s another thing: CLEVELAND SPORTS ARE GOOD. We just think they suck because the brown’s spread their Brown loser-spray all over the Cavalier’s and Indians. The loser Brown’s lump all of Cleveland’s teams together and label the city as losers. But in recent years, the Cavs and Indians have been really fucking good (not for long though Cavs…LeBye James).

The Brown’s are like a blackhole. Blackholes have a gravitational pull so strong that light cannot escape from it. The Brown’s have the same effect on all of Cleveland’s sports…their near winless seasons each year cause a darkness of losing with a pull so strong that Wins cannot escape the gravity of something like a repugnant Brown 0-16 season. We call this the Brown-Hole (sometimes it’s sort of pinkish for people with fairer skin).

The atrocity of the Brown’s is mentioned so often that we associate Cleveland with losing–our first reaction to “Cleveland Sports” is “bad, winless sports.” However, if you remove the black hole from an area in Space, you’d be able to see the light in it. Similarly, if you remove the Brown-hole from Cleveland, you’d be able to see that the other Cleveland teams are actually good.

The Cavs literally just won an NBA title in 2016 and have gone to the NBA finals the last 4 seasons (every year since 2014).The Cleveland Indians went to the World Series two seasons ago in 2016, and went to the ALDS last year. If you have three major sports teams in your city, and two of them go to the playoffs and finals every season–one of which just won a finals title–your city is one of the winnin-gest cities of major sports in the country.

Quit your whining, Cleveland. No other city throws temper tantrums every time their team goes through a drought of sucking.

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too bad brown’s fans are on naughty list!

The Chicago Cubs didn’t win a World Series until they smacked the Indians in 2016. I wonder…if they lost, would Chicago parade for their World Series drought? Or boycott games because, hey, what’s the point? They won’t win the World Series anyway. Guess we’ll never know because the Mistake on the Lake screwed the pooch with that one.

Stop babying Brown’s fans. They love their “woe is me” identity they’ve created for themselves so you feel bad for them. Yet, the reality is, many cities have it worse. Leave the weak behind. Put Brown’s fans in the dirt. Flush them down the toilet where they belong (If it’s brown, flush it down).

Can you imagine being a Phoenix/Arizona sports fan and rooting for these brutally dismal teams?

  • NFL—Arizona Cardinals
  • NBA—Phoenix Suns
  • MLBArizona Diamondbacks
  • NHLArizona Coyotes

GET UP OUT THE DESERT IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT.

Entertainment, Movies, Uncategorized

Sarah Jessica Parker is Viciously Countersuing Claim that She stole $150,000 of Jewelry

Looks like Hurricane-Florence has a chance of hitting New York as Kat Florence is brewing up a storm for SJP. Kat Florence Design is suing Sarah Jessica Parker, alleging SJP $150,000 “stole” worth of Jewlery.

What Happened-  Kat Flo Design hired SJP for a campaign shoot. SJP was given some of the Jewlery from the shoot to wear at “red carpet evens and other appropriate events.”  Kat Flo says that SJP “requested to borrow the jewlery for “personal use.” SJP’s attorney says that SJP, “was asked to keep” the bling to wear at these events.

Kat Flo said that the Sex in the City failed to return the jewelry after the DOCUMENTED agreed upon date. SJP, who retaliated with a counter lawsuit, said that she not only tried to return the jewlery, she is owed money because Kat Florence Design failed to make their contractually obligated payments for SJP’s jewelry wearing services.

Here are some pics on the ‘gram:

 

What Should Have Happened: SJP made a deal with Kat Florence Design: SJP agreed to  free campaign endorsements for Kat Florence. In exchange to use Florence’s jewelery store to film her new Heist movie of which she is producing and starring.

SJP’s character breaks in to the Jewelry store. Her character is a strong woman with strict morals (typical Carrie Bradshaw), hoping that it might alleviate the guilt she feels from her horrible past. (We learn that she used to be a slave from mind-control. She worked  butchered newborn babies for her boss: a reality-based version of Gary Bussey–played by himself.

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After being saved by the bell’s Zack Morris aka Mark-Paul Harry Gosselaar (someone should slap Mark-Paul Harry’s parents for naming him that), SJP-character’s mind went back to normal, but because she remembered every single baby, she does as much as she can to redeem her soul). Years later, a man somehow got Bussey’s mind-control device and forces her to steal the jewelry.)

Anyway, devised a plan to steal the jewels by using her movie character. SJP’s character has to replace the jewelry with fakes, so SJP really does rob the store. SJP was working  late on set–the only other person there was the security guard. When he went to take a massive shit, SJP ran around swapping the real  jewelry with the movie replicas. With the real jewelry being used as replica’s, SJP swaps them again for her scene.

After finishing filming, SJP swapped them again when cleaning up. She gave Florence the replica’s, and accepted the real ones–Florence was tricked into thinking she was getting her real jewels back, and giving SJP’s movie props to her. Not the sase. Florence unknowingly watched SJP walk out with the real jewels in hand. Brilliant. Roll credits.

 

Reality:

No offense to Kate Florence Design, but it sounds like SJP didn’t steal jack shite. Firstly, Sarah Jessica Parker has a net-worth of $100 million according to celebritynetworth.com. $100,000,000. That’s a lot of zero’s. And if she shares her account with her husband, Matthew Broderick, she has access to $145 million dollars.

Kate Florence Design, if SJP wanted the jewelry that badly, she could have boughten the jewelry for 0.1% of the money she has. Imagine how little you would care if someone told you they lost a lot of your money, but you still have 99.9% of your $145,000,000, which is $144,850,000. That’s 145 Million, 850 Thousand dollars. If you dropped the 145 Million from that number, you still have a fuck-ton of money. Florence, please be realistic. A person with doesn’t steal $1.

And why the hell would you want someone with awful fashion sense to endorse your accessory design?

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That’s like drinking a drink from serial date-raper Bill Cosby because he said you should. It’s totally not drugged.

And SJP…. come on… stop throwing a hissy fit. It’s one thing to deny the claims for your name, but do you really need to countersue? I mean, all she’d be giving up is $1…….if she had a thousand. Plus… SARAH JESSICA PARKER STILL HAS THE DAMN JEWELRY. She thought she got paid to keep it! Just give it back, why go through the trouble? Out of spite? Anger? Parker makes it seem like this is a personal thing–acting like there may be more to the story than we know. But then again, you’ve seen her movies… that woman does not know how to act!

 

This suit should not be a case. They made a contract for this situation…. just read the contract and do what it says. What’s the matter? Can they not read goodishly?

They have a god damn contract about it. The jusge is literally going to read the damn thing and tell them what to do.

Maybe that isn’t how it works… I think people argue contractual law in court a lot so I could be wrong.

Parker may be ruthless. Florence may be roofless. Only one is truthless. I am a doofus.

Entertainment, Movies, You’re being lied to

BREAKING: Student Discovers Legacy-Altering Subliminal Message(s) in the Spider-man Trilogy After Watching All Three In a Single Sitting

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Since The weather people are telling us that it might rain forever, kill some time inside by watching the OG Tobey Maguire Spider-man movies. Sit back, relax, and let your mind get blown by the man formally known as the Human Spider.

Here are my findings and underlying messages of each film. You might need to get a mop to cleanup your brains after I explode your mind:

Spider-man 1

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While milk-and-toast movie critics will tell you the first movie is about Spider-man using his newly aquired powers for good because of the guilt from Uncle Ben’s of deaPeter Parker chooses not to stop a robbery out of spite for not being paid in full after winning a wrestling match with a cash prize. Though he could have sandwiched the thief with his new powers, he decides not to help the money-guy since he basically just robbed Peter. The robber needs to flea from the cops, and threaten’s Uncle Ben–demanding Uncle Ben hand over his car. The criminal (supposedly) fatally shoots Uncle Ben.

The film stiffs will tell you:

“Spiderman stops crime out of harbored guilt of his selfishness and his failing to act in the situation–vowing to stop criminals and their resultant consequences, wanting to stop lawbreaker’s out of disdain for their willingness to let damaging consequences (i.e. Uncle Ben’s death) happen to good people.” –written by Iam Boring of Dull Monotony Magazine.

Clearly, Iam Boring didnt watch the films back–>to–>back–>to–>back, and back again, backwards, back-to<–back to<–back. Is have found that the first Spiderman is about a boy’s struggle to deal with puberty and his changing bodies.

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Just look at the overhwhelming evidence. Suddenly, Peter Parker wants to excrete this stick white substance from his body? He basically paints his room with his gooey, stringy excretion.by-the-way-that-wasnt-web-memegenerator-net-what-is-it-22079704

Peter has lived next to MJ his entire life and she barely knew it. He has to remind her that his name is Peter when he meets her. And all of the Sudden, Peter finally interacts with MJ?funny-spiderman-memes

All men want one thing, and Spidey wants to web all over her more than a real spider wants to catch a fly and engulf them in webby-cum.

And the Green Goblin as the enemy? Considering green is associated with greed and goblin’s are notoriously greedy (shout-out J.K Rowling), obviously because Peter feels internally distraught over his beliefs that his selfish acts spiraled into the eventual murder of Uncle Ben. He struggles to fight externally while internally struggles with feelings of despair due to his selfishness.

But teenagers are the most moody, overly emotional group of little shits out there. His changing body and mind causes him to be overly emotional, overthink, and over-blame. Puberty up to its old antics again. A sane adult eould realize that the chain reaction of events that all had to occur for Peter’s decision not to stop the robber to an end result of Uncle Ben being shot was wildly unlikely. That;s like your Dad dying on the way to 7/11 to get butter and you blaming yourself for it because you actually had margarine in the fridge. Would spidey be spidey if he didnt blame himself though?

 

Here is some film footage that further proves my point.  Money shot’s like that can only come from a young man discovering his changing body.

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Peter would kill for an MJ-BJ, HJ…would even settle for an MJ-OTPHJ or MJ-OTSSHJ (“over the spidey suit hand job”).

And we we’re all thinking that his first shooting of his white webby load looked like a POV money shot:

L mean literaly look at this photo. They’re not even hiding the fact that everything was supposed to relate to raging sex hormones. The green goblin is literally trying to pull Spidey’s hair! And his left hand is moving in for the reach-around tug:

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That is a POSED photo. There is no way this was consensual….Spiderman’s hands look like they are helplessly flailing…praying they can grab onto something to pull away. OsCorp may have CLAIMED that Norman Osborn stepped down from CEO due for financial, but the real reason was because his wrinkle dick pervy ass was being sued by multiple underage, male interns for sexual assault.

Please recall that Harry was always jealous that his father was impressed by Peter’s brilliance and ambition. It ate at Harry that his dad called Peter family after knowing him only for a few months.

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Hey Aunt MAy, I see your useless Queen of England looking ass over there discussing recipes or some shit…as his guardian. why don’t you pull the 17 year-old minor away from the perv because Norm has been squeezing Peter’s shoulder for a full minute and he literally has an expression on his face that screams “I touch kids and am having too much fun touching peter’s new muscular arms. I want to see Peter’s Peter and Penis Park Peter Parker.”

 

Even Bonesaw has some non-consensual, bondage sex undertones…especially considering a freacking cage drops down and locks Peter in with Bonesaw. Peter literally denies consent and says “No, I didnt sign up for this!”

And then Bonersaw says this:

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Fun Fact:

Bonesaw is a power The

 

 

 

 

The evidence is overhwelming. When Peter realizes he’ll be able to escape Bonesaw’s rape attempts, he mocks the man’s sexuality to his attacker’s frustration. Peter antagonizes Bonersaw, prodding and mocking:

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We do not condone homophobic remarks like this, but I cannot helo but pity how hard it is for teenagers  during puberty–sexually speaking.

 

Like all hormone enraged teens, he started becoming more angry and aggressive. Peter Parker wouldn’t even THINK of getting in a fight. And then he beats the shit out of flash?

Over, Peter literally went from being crying baby to Flash’s new father…because Peter let dat ass know that he’s his Daddy now.

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Uncle Ben and Aunt Mey defintely knew something was up with Peter and his Pubescent difficulties… they assumed he was probably just going through his teenage angst phase  where you wear all black and hate sitcoms.

 

 

Looks like Spiderman and I believe something in common:

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#SoRelatable

 

#SpideySensesAlwaysTingling

 

#MostSensativeSpideySensesAreLocatedOnTheTip

 

Spiderman 2

What a wild turn around for the Spiderman franchise the sequel’s main focal theme revolves around Erectile Dysfuntion. My expert guess is that the main director was sending a subliminal message to his General Practitioner about his ED, considering real manly man can get hard on command, and if you cant, you are soft, little, small, weak, floppy. Is this referring to your penis or your immasculation? Hey, if the shoe fits…

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Peter Parker’s personal life is falling apart as his entire focus is entangled in Spiderman’s tasks. He is losing MJ, he has no money, he can’t hold a job, is failing his classes, and his woe-is-me Aunt May is a broke ass.And like a man without confidence can’t get it up, Spiderman’s gradually loses his ability to jizz web out his wrists and climb walls.

Good news for MJ though…she noticed that spiderman had a habit of stalking her after their upside down kiss:

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He loses his vision, looks thinner and paler, and all around ugly.

Parker goes to the doctor and asks if there is something wrong with his health. The doctor finds no abnormalities.(the Doc must not have looked at his wrists and saw the freaky holes where the web comes out). The GP suspects that his symptoms are all in his head and causing psychosomatic symptoms.

Probably wouldve been better off at a vet or an expert on spider’s.

 

“Wtf?! Peter can lose his Spider-side? It’s not permanent. What the fuck does that doctor know about the anatomy and immune system of a human-spider hybrid?” you exclaimed.

“WTF?! Peter can just turn his Spider powers off and on with some fluctuation to his mental health? Does he have Bipolar depression? Does the spider that bit peter have mental problems? Can spiders feel depressed?” you exclaimed when Peter got his powers back after some self-help and renewed love for Mary Jane.

Think about that. MJ comes back in his life, they’re about to kiss for the first time (as Peter), and THEN HIS POWERS COME BACK? His powers come back forcefully– much harder and quicker than ever. It’s kind of like the first time you get laid after going through a sex drought…if you arent careful, that D is going to poke a god damn hole in your pants. Literally look and think about boners when you watch:

Do you still think it’s hard to believe? Or flaccid to believe?

If Spiderman cocked back a few viagra, would he have gotten his powers back? If a healthy spiderman took a blue bomber, would it be like spider-steroids? Probably, since most bonerific men have tried recreational viagra to perform better for their lady. Spider sure performed for MJ.

 

Spiderman 3

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You think you have it figured out. You have the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. You have found the mother of your children. You feel great. You’re job performance is perfectly better than ever. You are loved by everyone. You have achieved happiness. You are sure the rest of you’re life is figured out.

No one thinks all that is going to change. No one thinks they’ll let anything change that. No one thinks the life they thought that had figured out could derail one’s life path. No one ever thinks they’ll become a drug addict.

Spiderman 3 is about struggling with drug addiction–and considering it was release in 2007 with the increasing recognition of the opoid crisis. Venom in Spiderman 3 is a statement about our societies necessity for a demand of attention to not only opoids, but all drug addictions.

Things are going well in Spiderman’s life. Introduce venom  in the form of Spiderman’s black suit. Peter tries it on and immediately feels the pleasurable, rewarding, positively reinforcing nuerological response that happens with all addictive drugs.

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This initial feeling is what causes you to like doing the drug, and a reinforcing want to feel that enjoyment again is what causes you to seek it again.

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NOTE: This is a tangent. Feel free to skip. (Think how you get pleasure when you masturbate. You’re brain is seeking out this feeling of pleasure–the brain really likes it. So you do it regularly. And those with sex/masturbation addictions let it control their daily live’s, affecting their ability to do their daily functions, drugs. Throw in some Guns and Roses and you’ll disappoint every person pre-1960. Sex, drugs, rock and roll.)

We see how the venom takes over Peter’s life. Peter’s personality starts changing. His use goes up and eventually wears the venom suit all day, everyday under his clothing–not when he needs to fight. Parker actually looks high when walking down the street, dancing, making gestures to women, sporadically buying new and expensive clothes, and continued to dance.

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His high turns to uncontrollable anger, isolation from his peers, and a lack of care for important things in his life–classic signs of addiction. He could care less when on the phone with his Professor, Dr. Conners.

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Peter doesnt try to reconcile with MJ after a fight. Parker doesnt see Aunt May at all despite knowing her difficult situation and money struggles.  He physically attacks a coworker, absolutely beats the shit out of that sand dude, fucks up his bffl Harry’s face with a grenade, and the icing on the cake was hitting MJ across the face in a jazz bar.

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The shock that he could do that to MJ was finally Peter’s wakeup call. He decides to take off the suit…and like quitting drugs, it is incredibly hard for him to fight the urge to ward off the venom suit.

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But, as those succeeding in sobriety perservere. Parker would never accept venom’s parasitc nature again, eventually to defeat it forever (like an addict eventually defeats the urge to use entirely).

CONCLUSION: the point of the trilogy was to justify why you should be afraid of spiders…otherwise you’ll have to deal with all the shit Peter Park did.

 

Can’t wait to see the venom movie with Tom Hardy:

venom-trailer-gif_sony

 

His wife is lucky to be liked by a tongue like that.”

 

 

 

 

KILLERTAKES EXCLUSIVE: Venom Script Leaked Scene

Cop 1:Hey newbie,  i got an update…apparently Venom was canoodling with his wife, Poison, and had to stop eating his wife’s ass out because his tongue reached her esophagus………………..while they we’re 69’ing. Venom said he thinks he felt his penis. She was like the oral sex version of a kabob.”

Cop 2:  “Whoah, is she all right?”

Cop 1: “…Um, weren’t you the cop that found her body?”

Cop 2: “Oh yeah.”

Cop 1: ….

Cop 2: “She was hot.”

Cop 1: …..

Cop 2: …..

Cop 1: ……

Cop 2: “Well I guess it’s true: “Once you go black you never go back… you know…because you’re dead.”

Cop 1: Speaking into Cop Radio: “Dispatch please tell captian that if I don’t switch partners, I am quitting.”

Dispatch Lady Cop: Lmao why”

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

PS:

“hey baby, is it opposite day? because victims of snake bites need the venom sucked and spit out…

…and I need you to suck on my snake to suck my venom out, but you won’t be spitting it out.”

Entertainment, Movies

A Ghost Haunted Annasophia Robb (AKA the chick from “Soul Surfer”) and it Definitely Wanted to Bang Her

Remember the child actress that was in like everything (Because of Winn-Dixie, Bridge to Teribithia, Race to Witch Mountain, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Soul Surfer…need I go on?)

Image result for annasophia robb winn dixie

Yeah, she is starring in a new horror movie. Also, she is so hot. That is a fact that needed to be said. It’s possible that every male in their early 20’s developed a little celeb crush on her at one point.

Image result for annasophia robb

I’m getting off topic. Anyway, while filming her new horror movie in Espana, she is certain that she was haunted by a ghost, thinking that it had a connection to a “really creepy” little statue of a woman in her room. The Soul Surfer claims that the ghost was constantly turning on the shower and flickering the lights. Robb says that one time, the shower turned on for so long that there was fog in her bathroom, and the mirror revealed writing on it–though her translator told her it was just a grocery list.

Now, to the casual observer, one might think Robb should maybe take a break from the horror movie role’s. Or go to the loony bin. But we at KillerTakes have a different take.

I wish the ghost was trying to murder her because this could then be KillerTake’s Killer-Take. Though all our takes are killer, you just don’t get opportunity for a play on of words like this one. But I get to make the joke anyway just by explaining the hypothetical situation, so we’ll take that W.

Anyway, the ghost was trying to bang her, no doubt. The ghost would turn the showers on so that he could see her naked, duh. The lights? Casper obviously just wanted to see that booty in the light.

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As for the grocery list…that was just to an excuse to get her to go to the store for some lotion so he could spray ectoplasm all over her while she sleeps.

Image result for horny ghost

This case of the paranormal is open and shut–no need to call the best paranormal investigators since the ghost busters: Zak Bagans and the Ghost Adventures crew. People think that ghosts are always murderers. But hey, can you blame him for being a horn-dog? Or as the Spanish say, “perro-cuerno.”

Don’t quote me on that.

Health and Lifestyle

Diabetes Medication Found to Cause Flesh Eating Disease in Worst Possible Place to Have Flesh Eating Disease.

The FDA announced that SGLT2 inhibitors cause necrotizing fascitis, usually referred to as “flesh-eating disease” because it sounds a lot cooler. ‘Flesh eating disease’ also sounds lot scarier, as if you are going to turn into a zombie from The Walking Dead. Image result for walking dead zombies

Diabetics already have to deal with a bazillion symptoms from diabetes. Now they have to worry about becoming real life barbie dolls and action figures? Makes you want to eat kale for dinner.

Just kidding, kale is revolting and unpalatable.

Before people of Diabetes type II freak out… flesh-eating bacteria of the genitals is insanely rare.  We’re talking less than 5 cases per year from 2013-2018.

“Necrotizing fasciitis of the genital area, also called Fournier’s gangrene, is a life-threatening bacterial infection of the tissues under the skin surrounding the muscles, nerves, fat, and blood vessel in the genital area. It is estimated to happen to about 1.6 of 100,000 men annually in the United States, most often among those ages 50 to 79.”

This is the type of vagina eating that you don’t want to happen.  Unfortunately for those with Type II diabetes, losing your leg isn’t the only thing you need to worry about. This disease really makes you think twice about the nickname “pussy-slayer.”

Image result for dwight

People forget that Dwight slayed Angela’s pussy…cat.

1.7 million people were prescribed SGLT2 inhibitors last year, so if you notice any of these warning signs, you should probably get it checked out faster than it takes you to orgasm or else you never will again:

  • Redness
  • Pain
  • Swelling (sorry guys…you’re not ‘getting bigger for no reason’)
  • Fever of >100.4 Fahrenheit

To be honest, you don’t need to worry. Over the course of five years, the FDA learned of 12 cases of necrotizing fascitis of the genitals caused from the diabetic medication. Though four of the 12 resulted in serious complications,  Health sites like WebMD are literally designed to scare you, so you stay on the site or research more, giving them more traffic and more money. Remember what your parents taught you: don’t believe everything you read, watch on TV, see on the internet, gossip from friends, or consume from politicians…but you MUST believe in a guy that looks like Santa Clause living in the earth’s stratosphere that is the reason for everything as we know it.” Because the Church wouldn’t lie to us…They’ve never lied to us or been involved in any major scandals.

Image result for pope

 

New theme song for scandal-quieting Pope Francis: “Highway to Hell,” by AC/DC

 

Don’t google pictures of necrotizing fascitis unless you want to be awesomely disgusted….you know, like the type that is so gross but for whatever reason you can’t look away? It’s like watching videos of horses mating (for educational purposes….it’s fascinating how much the male horse’s legs shake). Flesh eating disease is actually very zombie-esque.

This is the end of the article and everything is boring from here on out.

Here are the list of medications that have been approved for Type II diabetes. I didn’t have to do that, but as you know, I like to go the extra mile for my readers.

  • Canagliflozin (Invokana, Invokamet, Invokamet XR)
  • Dapagliflozin (Farxiga, Xigduo XR, Qtern)
  • Empagliflozin (Jardiance, Glyxambi, Synjardy, Synjardy XR)
  • Ertugliflozin (Steglatro, Segluromet, Steglujan)

Actually I got all this information from WebMD, but you’re better off reading it here. Otherwise they’ll tell you that you’re going to die based off of you’re runny nose.

Entertainment, Men's Health, Uncategorized

20-year Study finds link between Forehead Wrinkles and Heart disease–A List of Celebs Who Should go to the Cardiologist

These French Scientist’s just made half of the world panic when their 20 year study found that prominent forehead wrinkles is tell-tale sign for cardiovascular disease.

So yeah, thanks for making everyone ever think they’re going die soon, assholes.

Anyway, here’s a list of celbrities who should maybe go to the cardiologist for a well-visit.

Mark Wahlberg

All I can say is jesus christ Mark Mark. If you he anymore confused or suprised or anything that will kae his forehead scrunch, he’ll  have a heart attack on the spot.

I mean damn, the indents on that thing make the space between his eyes look like a hot dog bun.

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Marky Marks-All-Over-His-forehead

 

Michael Madsen (Actor from resoivoir dogs, more recently Hateful Eight

Um…ew? The fuck is going on above that right eyebrow?

 

Hugh Laurie— AKA house.

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smallhouse

 

 

 

House is really the only thing anyone knows him for, yet no one knows why they called him house. Rumors have speculated that it is because many long and straight wrinkles on his forehead look remarkably similar to the exterior lining of a house

 

Pictured here is a trendy new style of living space called a “Micro-house,” or coloquially “Hugh Laurie’s Disgusting Forehead.”

 

 

 

Sean Penn

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Is he okay?

Did he already have a heart attack or stroke?

 

 

 

 

Mel Gibson

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Braveheart or diseased heart?

 

 

“This Anti-semite needs anti-wrinkle cream!!!!!” I audibly exclaimed.

 

 

 

 

Chef Gordon Ramsay

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Yeah no shit he’ll have heart disease….Remember when Ramsay used to scream at the top of his lungs at the chef’s on Hell’s Kitchen? He probably has arteries so hardened that they’re made of concrete.

 

Lebron James

Lebron-James-Hair-Transplant

Cleveland fans argue that Lebron James has no heart since he walked out on Cleveland for a second time. Does the correlation between forehead wrinkles and cardiovascular disease still work if you dont have a pumping ticker (and the relative circulatory system).

Trendy jokes aside, Lebron’s forehead resembles a multi-laned turnpike.

Cleavage (noun) is defined as “a sharp division; a split.” Unforuntely, I am not smart enough to come up with a respectable joke that links the word “Cleavage” with “Cleveland” and his forehead wrinkles, but I will say this: I can and will start referring to Lebron as cleavage face.

Tommy Lee JonesTommy-Lee-Jones

While our country cannot thank him enough for the many times Tommy Lee has put his life on the line to save all of Earth in Men In Black, this ain’t no country for old men. You can’t have a forehead that resembles one of the very aliens in your line of work:

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Steve Buscemisteve-buscemi

Steve Buscemi is truly ana amazing person and talented, multi-faceted actor.  I hate that he made this list and I hate that I am quoting wikipedia for this fact beause I was too lazy to think of a summary for it but,

“Buscemi was a New York City firefighter from 1980 to 1984, with Engine Company No. 55, in the Little Italy section of New York. The day after the 9/11 attacks in New York, he returned to his old firehouse to volunteer: he worked twelve-hour shifts for a week, and dug through rubble looking for missing firefighters.”

Awesome.

That being said, Buscemi was probably born with wrinkles on his face. Stinks too because Buscemi could play any role perfectly,

except for…ya know…a role that requires a good looking male.

 

 

Sean Bean

Wasted-sean-bean-screenshot

Ned Stark’s wrinkles really arent that bad, but that initial concave basin that goes fom his eyesbrows to the first crease is mesmorizing. Bean must have to dry that thing out after a shower so it doesnt get moldy.

 

Russel Crowe

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People typically wrinkles around your eyes (also known as “laughing wrinkles”) as “Crow’s feet. We should start calling the wrinkles on your forehead “Crow’s forehead.”

 

Or not, it was just a suggestion.

 

Goerge Clooney

george

We now invite every other 50-60 year old that grew up, had kids, and worked a hard, boring life at a cublicle to join us in laughing at Goerge Clooney.

Heart disease is what you get for being single all your life and being a movie star and partyign and enjoying all the finer things (AKA any model he wants). We are happy that there will be one consequence to the amazing life that most midlife men envied, and you enjoyed.

Fuck you Clooney,  have fun with your terrible circulation.

 

 

Robert Deniro

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Humor me and picture Robert Deniro saying this in one of his organized crime role voices:

“Who do ya think ya talking to, Huh? I got wrinkles on my face? Huh? Who the fuck do you think you talkin’ to here, huh?”

 

Deniro spawned a 55+ year career off of his famous scrunched forehead and raised eyebrow look. Dead ass this man has been acting since 1963. 55 years of doing anything is gonna leave a little wear and “tear”….. too bad that the thing he’ll “tear” is his thoracic aorta.

 

 

 

Final Note

Yours truly is a lover of all women  of all types. Out of respect for the beautiful babes, in addition to my sister and mother,  I chose not include any women in this article. No need for the hate-shaming on them, you know (plus most female celebrities got that shit smoothed out by botox anyway lol).

Keeping that in mind, I jsut have to include Reese Witherspoon’s forhead hoping that someone can tell me what. in. the. fucking. hell. is. with. the. smooth. part. above. her. eyebrows.?

Reese Witherspoon

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I’m sorry but somebody somewhere made a mistake. Whether it’s god,  her plastic surgeon, her makeup person, someone slipping  her botox while she sleeps, etc., someone is doing something incorrectly on this woman’s forehead.

 

 

Entertainment, TV

Other TV Series Will Finally have a Fighting Chance as Game of Thrones Will Not be Eligible for the 2019 Emmy’s

Most blogs about TV shows, movies, books, porn, etc., begin the blog by telling the reader what the thing they’re writing about is. But if you need someone to explain what Game of Thrones is to you in 2018 you might want to just check into a psych ward because you’re too far gone.

The last season of thrones was supposed to be released in April of 2019, but the people on the opposite end of the spectrum (compared to the people that have never heard of thrones) figured out that GoT would be released a bit later than most expect. In an interview with HuffingtonPost, Joseph Bauer, who is GoT’s visual effects supervisor, said that the show will be eligible for the 2020 Emmy’s because they expect most of the shows (six) to be aired after May 31st of 2019.

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GREAT NEWS FOR EVERY OTHER TV PROGRAM OUT THERE!!!!!

For once, Thrones won’t win every category. Maybe one of bazillion dog-shit Netflix Originals will get some sunlight. The Emmy’s should put “Friends from College,” up there in a category called, “Zaniest Series that Best Resembles the After-product of a Laxative Overdose.”

But yeah, everything from June 26th to May 31st will be considered for the 2019 Emmy’s, and from June on is 2020 territory.

The 2019 Emmy’s are now one of the most anticipated events since seal team six fucked bin laden. The 2020 Emmy’s will be a wash. SPOILER: GoT win’s every category, even Zaniest Series that Best Resembles the After-product of a Laxative Overdose.

Does anyone really even care about having the watch the first episode of thrones a month later? It’s one thing if the entire season was released int eh same say so you could binge watch the whole thing in one night. But nothing really changse with the later release. Don’t you remember when you watched the last episode of season 7, don’t you remeber thinking, “damn.. the final season is so far away that it feels like it’ll just never come out.”

What fans should truly be worried about is real life Jobba the Hut making it to the release of the final season so we know what happens is exactly how Goerge R.R. Martin intended. God forbid that the writers and producers of GoT actually contribute any work at all.

Plus, I am 110% sure that the Night King is to win it all, ending humanity for a new, more advanced species to survive as the reigning creatures on Earth. Because unless human’s prove themselves as the peak of evolution, theoretically we’d reign on earth until Earth’s destruction. However, if another species came along and it was more evolved and adapted to thrive as the strongest species, in theory, they’d eventually out-populate humans and take control.

And G.R.R.M. is super into history and it;s ability to repeat itself, plus he has a boner for doing the exact opposite of what his fans want to see. See below.

 

I didn’t proofread this. I Told my editor to do it, but he didn’t feel like it (lmao I am my own editor).

Entertainment, Movies, Social

Jealous Husband didn’t want wife Taking Photo with Jason Momoa (AKA Khal Drogo and Aquaman); the Resulting Photo Tells you Why

The end result is a photo of Jason Momoa and the couple. It’s just a little bit funnier than that.

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I mean what can you do if you’re the husband. You cant continue to be jealous because it’s god damn Jason Momoa. What are you going to do… fight him? Ok go for it. Have fun against this dude:

Image result for dothraki burn body khal

If this face was looking at me on the other side of the ring, I’d literally just say nah fuck that and just immediately kill myself. He is literally so ripped he is a superhero (that being said, not the coolest superhero, but I am waiting with hope that my mind will be changed when Aquaman comes out in December).

Image result for aquaman

Jesus. The assumption here is that the husband was playing along for a funny photo, right? I truly hope so. I cant imagine that this guy has any confidence as a husband for the rest of his life knowing that Aquaman embarrassed this man into a grave that read “Here lies the first beta to be alpha’d to death.”

But an autograph written over the husband’s face? Talk about beating a dead horse. One can only wonder if the Great Khal gave the man an honorable Dothraki funeral by burning his body after this savage murder.

Again,  there is not much you can do here as the husband. I think most men in the world would submit to doing whatever the hell this man instructed:

Laughable News, School and Education

Holmdel Highschool Catches SuperIntendent Defecating on Track and Field, quickly nicknamed ‘Principal Pooper.’

Every high school has to deal with their shit on a daily basis. However, no school has ever had as shitty of a problem than that of Jersey’s Holmdel High School.

Some poor high school custodian recently had the shitty job of cleaning up human feces from the school’s track and field area, DAILY. This is the first time that a Highschool wished its residents would stop giving a shit.

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Apparently, the pooper had very healthy diet as this shit happened daily. Eventually, the school had to force their post-poop, washed hand and notify the authorities.

When Shit Hit The Fan:

Police caught the SOB in the middle of the act during surveillance of school grounds. In rapid excretion of information, the cunning crapper (AKA the devious dumper), is none another than Kenilworth’s District Superintendent. Sources say that Thomas Tramaglini, 42,  would’ve pooped his pants if he had anything left.

 

Apparently, Tramaglini shouted, “oh shit!” when authorities tried to subdue him. Unfortunately for the Superintendent, he didn’t have the runs and couldn’t get way. While cuffing him, he reportedly asked, “are you shitting me?” The police we’re constipated with confusion.

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Tramaglini feces charges on Monday in court. Hopefully the court does not intend on dropping the (dis)charges. Tramaglini is taking a leave of absence from his office as superintendent, similar to the leave of absence his copious poops have taken from his body.

Though the arrest was made on Monday, media across New Jersey collectively chose to release the information today: Turdsday May 3rd, 2018.

Tramaglini’s reasoning for his mischievous manure is unknown, but his resolve is unquestionable. Many of us are dying to know why, but it looks like we’re shit-out-of-luck until until Dungday, May 7th.

However, some believe that Tramaglini was just running around the track and field and needed to poop during his morning workout as he lives three miles from Holmdel High School. And I think we’ve all been there–you know, jogging and suddenly needing to poop.

Before you are quick to judge, here are my favorite emergency excretions from movies, lest we forget how randomly and traumatically they onset. The Principal Pooper just may have a case yet.

 

 

Dating, Romance

LADIES: Here is The Perfect Tinder or Bumble Bio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

….That’s it. Nothing. You literally don’t need a bio. Just get on there and you can have your choice of literally any horny horn-dog of a guy. It’s honestly that easy.

 

I’m straight up not joking. For women, the best bio is no bio at all. For men…make it, “does this napkin smell like chloroform?” That will go over well. Rape jokes are always funny. They always work.

 

It was a short blog, but the most honest ones always are. Good luck and good-swiping, ladies.

Health and Lifestyle, You’re being lied

Overweight North Americans: Here is Why You Should Stay Fat for Your Health

If you live in North America, chances are that you’ve at the bare minimum atleast considered dieting. Even if you are naturally thinner and don’t have a medical reason to diet—you probably have picked the McDonalds salad over the chicken nuggets once or twice (until one person somewhere told you the salads were more fattening and you decide to get the nuggets anyway).

If you’re thinking about a 3rd slice of cake that ‘you’re only considering because no one else is around and it’s going to rot in the fridge soon,’ get your gullet ready because ol’ KillerTakes has got some goodbad news for you. No, it’s not a good news, bad news situation. It’s good-bad news… This news is horrifying and tragic, but has a nice silver lining for the obese and repulsive populates, AKA most of our bloggers here at KillerTakes.

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The Continent of North America is known for exactly three infinity units of things

For example, this is my representation of North American’s Fatboy reputation using pictures of yours truly.
←←←←←

However, arguably the most disturbing of North American reputations  is its startling number of domestic, civilian mass murders.

Exclude from photo above is Mexico because they only have to deal with the cartel. Once they get that little issue out of the way they can be included.

On April 23rd, while I wallowed for my own self- tragedy, a REAL, horrifying tragedy occurred in Canada: “The Toronto van attack was a vehicle-ramming attack that occurred on April 23, 2018, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A man later identified as Alek Minassian allegedly drove a rented van at speed through the North York City Centre business district, deliberately targeting pedestrians, killing 10 and injuring 16, some critically,”–Wikipedia.

Min-ass-ian, wrote this on Facebook mere minutes before the attack:

alek-minassian-facebook-redacted-ht-jc-180424_hpEmbed_17x14_992
(Via ABC via Facebook)

 

“The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!”

Some labelled the post as ‘cryptic’ and Zodiac Killer-esque, but a new culture of the internet has now been popularized.

An “Incel” is a slang term for someone who identifies as an “Involuntary Celibate.” Incel is literally short for “Inceldom,” which is apparently a real word. Wikipedia says that self-identifying Incels are almost entirely men.

zoolander confused

 

⇦You Trying to figure out where the f**k this article is going…

…same. It’ll probably all come together. I didn’t make an outline for this one

 

Elliot Rodger, the man Alek Minassian hails in his post, was the scum of the earth responsible for the 2014 Isla Vista Killings in California. Rodger identified as an Incel ad claimed the murders we’re out of hate for women in his manifesto. These Incel nine communities actually admire Elliot Rodgers.

Just to give you an idea of how much you should hate Elliot Rodgers, he wrote in his manifesto that he fantasizes about rounding up all the women and ‘gleefully’ watches them starve to death in concentration camps. I implore you to imagine your sister denying Rodger sex, and him having this even of hate for her in return. I implore you to do so. You’re implored. 

One of the major beliefs of the intel is in fatalism and defeatism for unattractive people, AKA unattractive people are destined to be defeated by virginity, never to achieve their penetrating, orgasmic goal of climax.

If there is truly an “Incel Rebellion” on the way, there is legitimate cause for concern when simply walking down the street… if you’re moderately attractive.

run-fatboy-run-51fe2e9c68580
Watch this movie if you want to live. Then watch some more. Also, this movie is a classic stinker…a good-bad movie…not unlike this news.

If you’re a revolting blob and your right hand is bae, you can actually rest-easy. This is one health concern that you don’t need to worry about. In fact, attractive people might want to consider gaining weight and consider a diet that may actually do some good for their health. Take it from us, sitting on the couch watching Jersey Shore re-runs, blogging, while eating a breakfast Philly cheese steak you added to your dinner order the night before is the healthy alternative.

I am scared for the Adriana Lima’s, Jake Gylenhaal’s, and Derek Zoolander’s of the world. Really makes you think.

 

All the experts are saying that Incels are basically a-holes. Blend in to survive, baby.

General Humor, Sports

Did Luis Perdomo Just become the Biggest Coward In All of Sports?

You don’t normally here “We got a runner on the mound.” Cant imagine how much of a little pre-teen he’ll feel like when he’s sitting on the bench watching the game he is suspended in….I suggest he just throw some booze in his mitt and call it a day. Though I am pretty sure this isn’t gonna work for Perdomo because “hard liquor makes him gag too much.” Twisted Teas and little pee pee’s: The rise and fall of Betas.

Screen Shot 2018-04-12 at 8.27.42 PM

After game of duck-duck goose, the benches cleared during the Rockies-Padres game yesterday. Padres pitcher Luis Perdomo threw a pitch behind Rockies Nolan Arenado, after some escalating tension in the series. Without hesitation, Arenado went after him, but Perdomo clearly had no intention of fighting.

Heres the live, unedited footage. We we’re even able to here what Arenado was yelling at him on the field:

 

 

If you are an athlete and shy away from a fight like Perdomo, you really should be playing a different position: either 6-feet under the ground after Arenado kills you, or you should be bent over biting the covers to cope with the pain. Because that’s what you basically did.

And then only reason the fight went on for a decent amount of time is because Arenado has loyal as shit teammates…dude got the hell out of the middle as fast as he could, circled at the end of the video. Don’t try and throw a shot if you can’t catch one, Perdomo.

8.3/10 on the initial juke though. I’d say he should’ve been a football player but he might accidentally get a bruise.

YOUR ANSWER CHOICE:

D: Not a Jump-Scare Lover:

Should you watch?

 

YOU MIGHT LIKE IT, BUT I WOULDN’T RECOMMEND IT.

I wouldn’t really say this show is for you. I mean, you might like the story-line and drama between characters, but pretty much every really scary scene doesn’t deal with any American Horror Story type stuff or not even like that Silence of The Lambs type horror, but it really reminds me of the conjuring–a family dealing with some crazy shit happening in their old, and dark ass house. Combine that with the cray mother from Hereditary and you’ve got 10 hour long episodes that will make you redecorate your living room every episode you watch. Honestly, I started to watch the show in the bathroom in case my lunch-shrimp that we’re swimming in my stomach decided to hit their emergency “EJECT” BUTTON.

YOUR ANSWER CHOICE:

C: JUMP-SCARES ARE OKAY:

 

Should you watch?

THIS SHOW WAS MADE FOR THIS TYPE OF HORROR WATCHER.

Oh this for sure….this is your show. If you like a nice slow burn that builds up intensity to get the heart pumping and finally give you that scare you’re looking for, this is all you. Also, I learned the term “slow-burn” by reading someone else’s review, and learned that it means that it takes a while to really get into it. I don’t know WTF that guy was smoking because I was scared shit-less in the first few scenes. And I don’t mean that figuratively. I literally mean that my bowels emptied out and there was a massive accident in my living room and my parents had to get rid of our couch and replace it with a new one from Habitat for Humanity.

YOUR ANSWER CHOICE:

A. Yes: WHY HAVEN’T YOU STARTED YET?

Watch it. You and this show will get along like peas and carrots. For people that love watching Horrifying things, it’s hard to believe that any type of cable series could pull it off–especially because American Horror Story was and is a complete atrocity, There really isn’t anything that is teeth-chattering scary while actually having a decent plot line. It’s like the Conjuring, Insidious, Hereditary, and The Endless all got together and came into a surrogate mother and pooped out a terrifying Netflix Series.

Movies, TV

Netflix Needs To Learn From HBO, Getting Rid of Free Trial Option Won’t Fix Anything

1st of all, who in the hell is still signing up for a free trial for Netflix. Hasn’t everyone used up their allotted one month by now? If Netflix really wants to make more money, they’re going to have to figure out a way to only allow the people that paid for their subscriptions to access the streaming service. Their biggest problem is everyone sharing account information.

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Netflix has failed to meet their quarterly projections twice now. They’ve announced that they think it’s because the amount of full members is not an accurate because they include trial members when trying to figure out their projections. Netflix wants to scratch trial memberships, and put more of their money towards creating their own content, resulting in an increase in paying subscribers. Quite frankly, I don’t know if this is good or bad for us viewers (sorry, i don’t know shit about how it’ll affect investors).

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Netflix original content– so many mixed reviews by consumers. Personally, I think more money should be put into making higher quality shows, but my fear is the show will throw money at expanding the quantity of their shows. Netflix needs to take a page out of the HBO’s book rather than follow random TV station’s. Premium cable works because they really invest the time and money into making their shows so they know that what they’re producing is amazing quality. They don’t just pickup the newest sitcom starring C-list actors (qt best).   Seriously, just look at this list of shows…all are considered for Emmy’s every year:

  • Game of Thrones (aka Musical Chairs)
  • The Leftovers (aka the Day After Thanksgiving)
  • The Wire (aka the Chord)
  • Curb Your Enthusiasm (aka Relax)
  • Veep (aka Elaine Benes as Joe Biden)
  • Silicon Valley (aka comedy that old people are too outdated to understand)
  • True Detective (aka Honest Cop)
  • Sex and the City (aka Hump and the Metropolis)
  • True Blood (aka Verifiable Gang Los Angeles Street Gang)
  • Westworld (aka Everything West of Ohio)
  • Band of Brothers (aka Delti Chi Omega)
  • Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (English Bitches About the Week Every Sunday)
  • Entourage (aka Group of Men or Women)
  • East Bound and Down (aka Southeast)
  • Ballers (aka Cool Athletes)
  • Vice (Bad Stuff)

Don’t be the next TBS @Netflix…be Premium.

Wouldn’t mind if Netflix invested in porn either. Could go for some really dope story-lines.

Health and Lifestyle, Laughable News, Social

Chesapeake, Virginia threatens up to 6 months in Jail for Trick-or-Treaters Over the Age of 12

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The Chesapeake 13 year-olds must be little pieces of shit.

“If any person over the age of 12 years shall engage in the activity commonly known as “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine of not less than $25.00 nor more than $100.00 or by confinement in jail for not more than six months or both.”

It’s okay though. You can be a 13 year-old and trick-or-treat so long as you are chaperoning around your little siblings.

“A thirteen year old safely trick or treating with a younger sibling is not going to have any issues. That same child taking pumpkins from porches and smashing them in the street more likely will. Thank you for your help making it a fun night for everyone!” —cityofchesapeake.net

This ordinance is one of the most asinine things on earth. Stopping a child from vandalizing someone’s property is one thing–police intervention is expected. Are the cops not going to stop kids under the age of 12 from vandalizing property?

When I was in 8th grade, my hood-rat friends and I smashed some town pumpkins on mischief night. When the police stopped my friends and I for doing so, we we’re put in the back of the police car and simply brought home to our parents. sirisaac-newton-invented-calculus-before-his-26thbirthday-woah-we-have-22637843.png

The police had us promise never to do it again–but they didn’t even knock on our doors to tell our parents so we wouldn’t get in trouble.

I was scared as all hell. But you mean to tell me that if my little brother (13), who still has braces, didn’t even vandalize pumpkins, but simply went out tick-or-treating with his buddies–could possibly be handcuffed and sentenced to 6 months in prison? For doing absolutely nothing wrong? That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

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When my brother is home alone, I get worried because he is an idiot (most of the time) and I just fear for his safety. I know it’s a little irrational and my future eldest child is screwed, but it’s the truth. This law literally encourages parents to willingly put their young children in situations where they are not properly supervised.

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WAY TOO OLD. ARREST THEM

If a 20 year-old comes and knocks on your door to trick-or-treat–yeah that’s pretty weird as hell. That kid should probably be checked out by cops because whatever their intentions (besides some free candy), they cannot be good. But you can be for damn sure that if my little brother, who still looks like a baby to me (he’ll always be the baby of the family),

There is already petitions calling for this law to be revoked. Just absurd. Can you do citizens arrests? Would be pretty crazy to go on a witch hunt for some young teens.

Trick or treat,
Smell my feet. 
Give me something good to eat. 
If you don’t,
I don’t care,
I’ll just smash your fucking pumpkins and you’ll have to call the cops to get me to leave if you fucking don’t so it’s your call you little bitch.

Health and Lifestyle

New Jersey Surfer Dies of “Brain-Eating Amoeba,” After Visiting Water-Park

Fabrizio Stabile died on September 21st from Nagae Fowleri–an infection that is incredibly rare, but incredibly deadly.

Stabile contracted the infection (no shot I’m spelling it out Nagae fowleri again…well, besides that last one) BSR Cable Park’s Surf Resort. The park isn’t sure when stabile was at the park, but they are sure that he was in the wave pool.

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Stabile was 29 years-old.

There have only been 147 cases in the United States between 1952 and 2017. Of those 147, only 4 lived to tell the tale–A mortality rate of 97.3%. This may not be your typical wave pool, but it is still a germ-filled waterpark nonetheless:

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All water-parks are cesspools–anyone that’s ever been to the Great Wolf Lodge will tell you that the joy of seeing your kid smile is NOT worth the month of feeling sick you’ll feel afterwards. It’s really unfortunate that stabile contracted this brain eating infection, but is anyone really surprised that he contracted this disease in a wave pool? You have a better chance coming out healthy after making the Andy Dufruesne army crawl through miles of prison poop pipes than you would in a wave pool. Probably.

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The Center for Disease Control will tell you the same thing. Probably. I may be wrong, but I may not be wrong.

There are a billion reasons never to go swimming (sickness, drowning, sharks, man-eating octopii, giant squid and other creatures of the deep, drowning, etc.). But only a few reasons to go take a dip (exercise, to cool off, snorkel, general fun). But ask yourselves this: is the possibility of catching a brain-eating infection that 97% of people worth swimming in a wave pool?

Why do you think every water park on earth has that one slide that is basically a giant toilet bowl?

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