Since The weather people are telling us that it might rain forever, kill some time inside by watching the OG Tobey Maguire Spider-man movies. Sit back, relax, and let your mind get blown by the man formally known as the Human Spider.
Here are my findings and underlying messages of each film. You might need to get a mop to cleanup your brains after I explode your mind:
Spider-man 1
While milk-and-toast movie critics will tell you the first movie is about Spider-man using his newly aquired powers for good because of the guilt from Uncle Ben’s of deaPeter Parker chooses not to stop a robbery out of spite for not being paid in full after winning a wrestling match with a cash prize. Though he could have sandwiched the thief with his new powers, he decides not to help the money-guy since he basically just robbed Peter. The robber needs to flea from the cops, and threaten’s Uncle Ben–demanding Uncle Ben hand over his car. The criminal (supposedly) fatally shoots Uncle Ben.
The film stiffs will tell you:
“Spiderman stops crime out of harbored guilt of his selfishness and his failing to act in the situation–vowing to stop criminals and their resultant consequences, wanting to stop lawbreaker’s out of disdain for their willingness to let damaging consequences (i.e. Uncle Ben’s death) happen to good people.” –written by Iam Boring of Dull Monotony Magazine.
Clearly, Iam Boring didnt watch the films back–>to–>back–>to–>back, and back again, backwards, back-to<–back to<–back. Is have found that the first Spiderman is about a boy’s struggle to deal with puberty and his changing bodies.
Just look at the overhwhelming evidence. Suddenly, Peter Parker wants to excrete this stick white substance from his body? He basically paints his room with his gooey, stringy excretion.
Peter has lived next to MJ his entire life and she barely knew it. He has to remind her that his name is Peter when he meets her. And all of the Sudden, Peter finally interacts with MJ?
All men want one thing, and Spidey wants to web all over her more than a real spider wants to catch a fly and engulf them in webby-cum.
And the Green Goblin as the enemy? Considering green is associated with greed and goblin’s are notoriously greedy (shout-out J.K Rowling), obviously because Peter feels internally distraught over his beliefs that his selfish acts spiraled into the eventual murder of Uncle Ben. He struggles to fight externally while internally struggles with feelings of despair due to his selfishness.
But teenagers are the most moody, overly emotional group of little shits out there. His changing body and mind causes him to be overly emotional, overthink, and over-blame. Puberty up to its old antics again. A sane adult eould realize that the chain reaction of events that all had to occur for Peter’s decision not to stop the robber to an end result of Uncle Ben being shot was wildly unlikely. That;s like your Dad dying on the way to 7/11 to get butter and you blaming yourself for it because you actually had margarine in the fridge. Would spidey be spidey if he didnt blame himself though?
Here is some film footage that further proves my point. Money shot’s like that can only come from a young man discovering his changing body.
Peter would kill for an MJ-BJ, HJ…would even settle for an MJ-OTPHJ or MJ-OTSSHJ (“over the spidey suit hand job”).
And we we’re all thinking that his first shooting of his white webby load looked like a POV money shot:
L mean literaly look at this photo. They’re not even hiding the fact that everything was supposed to relate to raging sex hormones. The green goblin is literally trying to pull Spidey’s hair! And his left hand is moving in for the reach-around tug:
That is a POSED photo. There is no way this was consensual….Spiderman’s hands look like they are helplessly flailing…praying they can grab onto something to pull away. OsCorp may have CLAIMED that Norman Osborn stepped down from CEO due for financial, but the real reason was because his wrinkle dick pervy ass was being sued by multiple underage, male interns for sexual assault.
Please recall that Harry was always jealous that his father was impressed by Peter’s brilliance and ambition. It ate at Harry that his dad called Peter family after knowing him only for a few months.
Hey Aunt MAy, I see your useless Queen of England looking ass over there discussing recipes or some shit…as his guardian. why don’t you pull the 17 year-old minor away from the perv because Norm has been squeezing Peter’s shoulder for a full minute and he literally has an expression on his face that screams “I touch kids and am having too much fun touching peter’s new muscular arms. I want to see Peter’s Peter and Penis Park Peter Parker.”
Even Bonesaw has some non-consensual, bondage sex undertones…especially considering a freacking cage drops down and locks Peter in with Bonesaw. Peter literally denies consent and says “No, I didnt sign up for this!”
And then Bonersaw says this:
Fun Fact:
Bonesaw is a power The
The evidence is overhwelming. When Peter realizes he’ll be able to escape Bonesaw’s rape attempts, he mocks the man’s sexuality to his attacker’s frustration. Peter antagonizes Bonersaw, prodding and mocking:
We do not condone homophobic remarks like this, but I cannot helo but pity how hard it is for teenagers during puberty–sexually speaking.
Like all hormone enraged teens, he started becoming more angry and aggressive. Peter Parker wouldn’t even THINK of getting in a fight. And then he beats the shit out of flash?
Over, Peter literally went from being crying baby to Flash’s new father…because Peter let dat ass know that he’s his Daddy now.
Uncle Ben and Aunt Mey defintely knew something was up with Peter and his Pubescent difficulties… they assumed he was probably just going through his teenage angst phase where you wear all black and hate sitcoms.
Looks like Spiderman and I believe something in common:
#SoRelatable
#SpideySensesAlwaysTingling
#MostSensativeSpideySensesAreLocatedOnTheTip
Spiderman 2
What a wild turn around for the Spiderman franchise the sequel’s main focal theme revolves around Erectile Dysfuntion. My expert guess is that the main director was sending a subliminal message to his General Practitioner about his ED, considering real manly man can get hard on command, and if you cant, you are soft, little, small, weak, floppy. Is this referring to your penis or your immasculation? Hey, if the shoe fits…
Peter Parker’s personal life is falling apart as his entire focus is entangled in Spiderman’s tasks. He is losing MJ, he has no money, he can’t hold a job, is failing his classes, and his woe-is-me Aunt May is a broke ass.And like a man without confidence can’t get it up, Spiderman’s gradually loses his ability to jizz web out his wrists and climb walls.
Good news for MJ though…she noticed that spiderman had a habit of stalking her after their upside down kiss:
He loses his vision, looks thinner and paler, and all around ugly.
Parker goes to the doctor and asks if there is something wrong with his health. The doctor finds no abnormalities.(the Doc must not have looked at his wrists and saw the freaky holes where the web comes out). The GP suspects that his symptoms are all in his head and causing psychosomatic symptoms.
Probably wouldve been better off at a vet or an expert on spider’s.
“Wtf?! Peter can lose his Spider-side? It’s not permanent. What the fuck does that doctor know about the anatomy and immune system of a human-spider hybrid?” you exclaimed.
“WTF?! Peter can just turn his Spider powers off and on with some fluctuation to his mental health? Does he have Bipolar depression? Does the spider that bit peter have mental problems? Can spiders feel depressed?” you exclaimed when Peter got his powers back after some self-help and renewed love for Mary Jane.
Think about that. MJ comes back in his life, they’re about to kiss for the first time (as Peter), and THEN HIS POWERS COME BACK? His powers come back forcefully– much harder and quicker than ever. It’s kind of like the first time you get laid after going through a sex drought…if you arent careful, that D is going to poke a god damn hole in your pants. Literally look and think about boners when you watch:
Do you still think it’s hard to believe? Or flaccid to believe?
If Spiderman cocked back a few viagra, would he have gotten his powers back? If a healthy spiderman took a blue bomber, would it be like spider-steroids? Probably, since most bonerific men have tried recreational viagra to perform better for their lady. Spider sure performed for MJ.
Spiderman 3
You think you have it figured out. You have the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. You have found the mother of your children. You feel great. You’re job performance is perfectly better than ever. You are loved by everyone. You have achieved happiness. You are sure the rest of you’re life is figured out.
No one thinks all that is going to change. No one thinks they’ll let anything change that. No one thinks the life they thought that had figured out could derail one’s life path. No one ever thinks they’ll become a drug addict.
Spiderman 3 is about struggling with drug addiction–and considering it was release in 2007 with the increasing recognition of the opoid crisis. Venom in Spiderman 3 is a statement about our societies necessity for a demand of attention to not only opoids, but all drug addictions.
Things are going well in Spiderman’s life. Introduce venom in the form of Spiderman’s black suit. Peter tries it on and immediately feels the pleasurable, rewarding, positively reinforcing nuerological response that happens with all addictive drugs.
This initial feeling is what causes you to like doing the drug, and a reinforcing want to feel that enjoyment again is what causes you to seek it again.
NOTE: This is a tangent. Feel free to skip. (Think how you get pleasure when you masturbate. You’re brain is seeking out this feeling of pleasure–the brain really likes it. So you do it regularly. And those with sex/masturbation addictions let it control their daily live’s, affecting their ability to do their daily functions, drugs. Throw in some Guns and Roses and you’ll disappoint every person pre-1960. Sex, drugs, rock and roll.)
We see how the venom takes over Peter’s life. Peter’s personality starts changing. His use goes up and eventually wears the venom suit all day, everyday under his clothing–not when he needs to fight. Parker actually looks high when walking down the street, dancing, making gestures to women, sporadically buying new and expensive clothes, and continued to dance.
His high turns to uncontrollable anger, isolation from his peers, and a lack of care for important things in his life–classic signs of addiction. He could care less when on the phone with his Professor, Dr. Conners.
Peter doesnt try to reconcile with MJ after a fight. Parker doesnt see Aunt May at all despite knowing her difficult situation and money struggles. He physically attacks a coworker, absolutely beats the shit out of that sand dude, fucks up his bffl Harry’s face with a grenade, and the icing on the cake was hitting MJ across the face in a jazz bar.
The shock that he could do that to MJ was finally Peter’s wakeup call. He decides to take off the suit…and like quitting drugs, it is incredibly hard for him to fight the urge to ward off the venom suit.
But, as those succeeding in sobriety perservere. Parker would never accept venom’s parasitc nature again, eventually to defeat it forever (like an addict eventually defeats the urge to use entirely).
CONCLUSION: the point of the trilogy was to justify why you should be afraid of spiders…otherwise you’ll have to deal with all the shit Peter Park did.
Can’t wait to see the venom movie with Tom Hardy:
“His wife is lucky to be liked by a tongue like that.”
KILLERTAKES EXCLUSIVE: Venom Script Leaked Scene
Cop 1: “Hey newbie, i got an update…apparently Venom was canoodling with his wife, Poison, and had to stop eating his wife’s ass out because his tongue reached her esophagus………………..while they we’re 69’ing. Venom said he thinks he felt his penis. She was like the oral sex version of a kabob.”
Cop 2: “Whoah, is she all right?”
Cop 1: “…Um, weren’t you the cop that found her body?”
Cop 2: “Oh yeah.”
Cop 1: ….
Cop 2: “She was hot.”
Cop 1: …..
Cop 2: …..
Cop 1: ……
Cop 2: “Well I guess it’s true: “Once you go black you never go back… you know…because you’re dead.”
Cop 1: Speaking into Cop Radio: “Dispatch please tell captian that if I don’t switch partners, I am quitting.”
Dispatch Lady Cop: Lmao why”
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PS:
“hey baby, is it opposite day? because victims of snake bites need the venom sucked and spit out…
…and I need you to suck on my snake to suck my venom out, but you won’t be spitting it out.”
