General Humor, Men's Health

Grower vs. Show-er: why I wish I had a show-er and not my little penis.

DISCLAIMER:  If you thought that this was going to be safe or clean enough to read at work, than I hope you get caught. NSF nerds. Read the title again. 

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.05.38 PMMy dad used to always tell my brother and I that dick size didn’t matter in life, and that in the end, everyone ends up the same anyway. Which I only recently realized was sort of a “heads up. It’s not getting any bigger’

Now, I have absolutely no problem with the size of my dick. My life is no different than if it were bigger besides pleasuring a few women a little bit more, but all in all, it’s worked. 

However, I wish I had one of those really monstrous, massive dicks that are so big that it’s kind of okay to show them off.

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Say you’re at a big party and some guy decides to streak but he’s got a penis that looks like a little cheddar Cheeto poking out of a bristle pad,then I mean, there’s a reasonable chance that:

A) People will freak out, or

B) think he’s a pervert flasher.

I want to be so big that when I go streaking, you take one look and say “oh that makes sense,” or “that is correct.” My uncle was friend’s with a student on the Seton Hall basketball team that would get hammered and get naked at every party, but it was okay because the guy was mistook for a horse the rest of the night. 


I think I am giving you guys the wrong impression. My dick isn’t small…. it’s very small.  I have yet to show a girl my dick and get a facial reaction that was anything even remotely enthusiastic. 

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The real question here is she laughing because it is so small, or because it’s so big that the dick is just not going to fit in ANY of her average-sized nook, crannies, or crevices.

 

 

 

And my parents were religious and awkward– it’s still very unclear to this day if I ever got the sex talk, so I was really late to knowing all the lingo and having the full extent of knowledge. So my loving parents decided to save themselves from the awkwardness at the hands of my own suffering and awkwardness. 

Those close to me often ask, “How did you get all the way to college, through your all-boys high school, without knowing ‘the button’ was a synonymous term with clitoris. I knew it was something sexual. With the basis of knowledge I had, using an deductive reasoning approach, I guessed that it meant something else. And was very wrong. 

My dick is so small that for the first 19 years of my life, I actually thought that “the button” was my little cock. I must have heard someone say ‘the button’ in a sexual conversation and said to myself, “oh well that makes sense.”

balls

 

I remember watching a sitcom where one of the main female characters talking to the guy main character who she was dating at that point in the show, and she said something to the effect that he wasn’t good at finding ‘the button.’

 

And right then and there, I should have realized that a a normal person would have said to themselves “wait…this can’t be right” and looked it up to confirm or something.

But because I’m clearly evolutionarily inferior and have a little brain,  amongst other little things, I remember thinking to myself, “hmm, that’s odd that he’s having trouble finding his own button. Oh man…is this show about to take a wildly dark turn? Does he have a dissociative disorder or something?

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I actually believed that the hit sitcom, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, was about to give the main character a serious mental disorder before thinking to myself “hmm…maybe I am wrong.”

In my defense, I don’t think finding one’s own penis is all that out of the blue. All men have had trouble at one point or another trying to find our own dick every once in a while. A common scenario one might encounter where they have difficulty immediately locating their cock is when you’re doing spending time in the frigid cold and you’re all layered up and need to piss (i.e. skiing, or at a football game).

Another good example is when you’re getting frisky in public somewhere and you want to do a little somethin’-somethin’ so she tells you to pull out your penis through your underwear and jean pee-hole’s to let the groundhog see its shadow.

Screen Shot 2018-03-11 at 12.25.42 AMLadies, I have a few things I wanna say about this:

First of all, if i’m wearing anything other than boxers, it’s not happening. Like i said, my dick probably has a little bit more traveling room down there to explore than most of the guys you’ve been with. It could be anywhere in there. If I have skin-tight briefs on, then it takes some work and elbow grease to root around there looking for it.   Now, If I have on boxer’s, maybe it’s a different story. Maybe I can pat down the drafty areas, stretch em out and take a peek, or even get down into the taint area if I need to.

Secondly, Why do you even want me to pull it out already? All we’ve done is kiss for 15 seconds and mutually agreed that we’re gonna have fully clothed sex in a low-risk empty park. And I know she’s anxious and nervous about getting caught and I know that’s even part of the excitement, but my already shitty, stubby, little dick has like one remaining sperm cell that has any self-esteem or confidence left in the dick.

You really want me to pull out my soft chode out of my two pee holes, to the point where only the head is showing, so we can both just look at what now literally looks like a pink button? No one wants to see that.

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This picture I found online is beyond insanely weird, but it proves my point. Look at that gross little thing

 

By the way, in that scenario, the resemblance to a button would stun you. I mean yeah it looks a little fleshy but you could definitely pass it off as an in-fashion, embroidered or felt button. The urethra holes matchup with pant-buttons and all. You could honestly tell me these are pictures of all the of the same thing and I’d believe you.

This weird ass dude posts a lot of pictures of his little dick’s head peeking out his pee hole (s/o to the most random website ever, rodinkam.net), but he proves my point. That is not attractive. You probably scrolled by as fast as you could.

 

Anyway, yeah that is another situation where an enormous penis would come in handy.

I uh, I don’t mind my dick size at all.

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