Randy Howe is a Las Vegas Sports reporter for Channel 3 out there. Howe is a forgettable reporter, but a memorable masturbation. On November 6th, Howe was arrested and charged for gross lewdness and indecent exposure.
My brother once asked my Dad if he accompany him on a trip to Las Vegas. My Dad was not sure as he had his concerns. Dad responded with, “I don’t know bud…I think it’s for the best if you’re not exposed to the indecency of Las Vegas.” I doubt that Dad was talking about the type of indecent exposure that Howe’s involved in. Maybe he did mean it in that way… what the hell is going on in Vegas? Why? Howe?
I finally understand why people say ,”What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” It’s because they don’t want people like Handy-randy anywhere near them. Literally, what the hell is wrong with Handy-Randy? Howe the hell are there people in this world that are so weird that they decide to take a trip to the bar at 9:15 A.M. only to sit at a slot machine and rub the one eyed snake. People rub tings for good luck, right? Maybe he was trying to get a little luck out to hit the jackpot on the slot machine. But something tells me that Howe wasn’t expecting luck to be what comes out of the one-eyed snake.
Tell me if you believe his excuse:
Howe denies that he was flogging the dolphin, claiming that he was merely, “itching terribly.”
Howe insisted he was not masturbating, saying he had a severe rash and was scratching himself, the report said. He said he “probably shouldn’t have been scratching himself at the bar and that it was a bad decision,” according to the report.-—The Las Vegas Review
Even if that we’re true…what the fuck is going on in your crotch area that is so itchy that you can’t stop scratching in a very public place.
But Howe was lying. Because he is perverse. The police have enough handy-dandy evidence to arrest Handy-Randy that proves the sportscaster’s cock-itchiness claim is a straight up lie:
A worker told responding officers they noticed the patron display “strange behavior,” which included walking to the bathroom with his penis outside his pants, police said. Surveillance video reviewed by police showed the patron unzip his pants and fondle himself, according to the report. —The Las Vegas Review
Howe are you going to lie your way out of this one, Howe? Your dick was so itchy that you’re fingers just weren’t doing the trick so you pulled your dong out of your zipper so you could scratch your scrotum against the metal ridges of the zipper but you accidentally cut it so you had to go to the bathroom to clean up the blood, and unfortunately couldn’t move your wang from the clutches of your zipper as you’d be risking complete destruction?
One cannot help but wonder what is so sexually arousing for Howe to spank the monkey in a public bar at 9 AM. The atypical male-masturbation throws on some beautifully nasty stuff from one of the major porn sites. Or, if you’re into the vintage, retro style of porn pics, you might whip open a playboy center-fold to wrinkle as you clutch the page while achieving ecstasy.
But Howe doesn’t do that…what turns him on his being at a bar early in the morning and just doing it while cranking down on his lever–in addition to the slot machines lever. Honestly…what can the crowd possibly look like at a bar in North Vegas at 9:15 A.M. I can’t imagine there being too many attractive women there. As my thirst for knowledge ceases to be quenched, I sought out information from my Father, who is one of two people I know personally that have been to Las Vegas:
Me: Dad….the crowd at a bar in North Vegas at 9:00 AM must be gross and ugly, right?
Dad: You’d be surprised.
Me: Oh yeah? How do you know?
Dad: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, son.
I hope that phrase is true because I don’t want him touching himself or anything close to me. I decree a personal restraining order that requires Handy Randy Howe to never come closer than 2,625 miles from me (that’s the exact distance from my house to Vegas. Ha.) Sick people in this world man. I bet Howe doesn’t vaccinate his kids. Let’s not open that can of worms right now.