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Kim Kardashian & Kanye West Hired Private Firemen to Save Dozens of Homes from Wildfire, Including their $60 Million Dollar Mansion.

Wait, the absurdly wealthy that control actually CAN use their money to help other people? I thought that once you reached a net-worth larger than $50 million dollars, little goblins put an enchanted hex on your bank account that forbids you from using your stupid amount of money to do anything for anyone other than yourself!

 (TMZ):The blaze started to creep up on Kim and Kanye’s Hidden Hills mansion Friday after a mandatory evacuation of the area. The couple’s home sits at the end of a cul-de-sac and borders a field — meaning if their place went up in flames, it would start a domino effect on the whole neighborhood. 

Sources tell us Kim and Kanye hired a private team to battle the flames on their property. The team was armed with hoses, and also tirelessly dug ditches to create a fire break.

Ultimately, they successfully saved the Wests’ $60 million house… and countless others on the block. We spoke with a few neighbors who are thanking the Wests for putting a team on the front lines and saving their homes.”

So. Many. Questions.

Narrator: The young blogger’s mind raced with all sorts of questions, overloaded with jokes ranging from corny to complex, and flooded with different ways to highlight how remarkably extraordinary this specific situation is. The 22 year-old couch potato thought to himself, “I should write these thoughts down.” A moment later, a new KillerTake was born. 

You’d think with all of the millions of dollars celebrities make from endorsing any piece-of-shit product that is willing to throw money at them, more of Hollywood’s richest would hire some fire-mercenaries to save their neighborhood’s.

The fire has gone from bad to worse. And so too have the updates. Everywhere you turn you hear about the death toll rising or cute families homes burning down or another town issuing a mandatory evacuation. Morale is low. People all across the nation mourn for our American brethren.

These pictures of the mountain range make California look just like the War of the World’s scene where Tom Cruise runs after Robbie to try and stop him from joinging the military in the fight against the aliens.

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God damn these pictures are crazy. California literally looks like it is war territory. It looks just like the war territory fro War of the World’s when the military was bombing the f**k out of the giant alien machines.

The people of California, and all of the United States, needed a boost of morale to keep positive attitudes alive.

Arising from the ashes was America’s very own Prom King and Queen: Kim Kardashian and Kayne West. Kimye stepped up to the plate to give us a feel good story that makes us think that things are going to be alright. What a loving, caring thing they did for the families and homeowners of their neighborhood. And as an added bonus (and Kimye’s real intention behind hiring the private firefighters), the family saved their own insanely valuable $60 million dollar home of which is filled to the brim with some of the most expensive and priceless things you’d expect to find in the home of a family with a combined net-worth of 1.35 billion dollars. You read that right. 1.35 Billion.

Kanye West’s Company, Yeezy, of which he is a majority stockholder, is worth 1.5 billion dollars–A billion of which personally belongs to Kanye himself. Kim herself is worth is worth a humbling 350 million dollars thanks to the bazillion different business and beauty products she is involved in. Wow…if someone told me that I’d be worth $350 million one day, but I had to Ray J take a video of him banging me…I’d ask where and when should I assume the position.

Pornhub actually has an incredibly easy to use gif-making software

So I guess that answers my next question, which was: where the fuck do you find a private firefighting group for hire? But I guess when you have a stupidly endless amount of money you can pay to find anyone to do anything.

$1.3 Billion dollars is so much damn money though,. Hard to believe Yeezy is worth that much money. It’s hard to believe Yeezy sold literally any clothing considering you could find similar fashion style on New York’s homeless.



on God I bet that could pay for the resources needed to stop 5 of these wildfires. Do more Kimye. Maybe there just aren’t enough private firefighters for hire. How many situations can there possibly be where hired firemen actually have a use? I mean, you assume they aren’t putting out normal house or building fires because no one is planning on having their house burn down.

Imagine walking downstairs to be met with a cloud of smoke, only to find a massive fire brewing in your kitchen. The first thing you do is get you and the kids out, and call 911. No one in that moment is whipping out their Iphone to Google ‘private fire companies.” They’re calling 911. I imagine that receptionists for private fire-companies have miserable anxiety at their job. Every-time the phone rings they’re probably praying it isn’t someone dumb enough to call them first:

“Hi you’ve reached Fight Fire for Hire, how can I help you today?”


“...Right, well ma’am, we have a few packages such as the home-cremation package, the Family-saver package, and the Welp-There-Goes-The-Neighborhood package. Also on special we have the L.A.pocalypse service, which is hot in the streets, literally.”

I imagine those phone calls are a little like this part of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again,” music video. Turn volume all the way up for the full effect.

Ha! Got-heem.

You definitely won’t find many private firefighters here in the North East, but the logical place that private firefighters would be is definitely in California. Not only because the state is so dry and is susceptible to these fires, but also because of show business. It’d make sense that a movie production might need some private firemen since action thrillers are constantly blowing up buildings or lighting big ass fields on fire for battlefield scenes, or purposely malfunctioning cars so they go ablaze.


None of this would have ever happened if we just chose not to go west. Screw you Louis and Clark. Fucking nut-sacagawea. Damn that Oregon trail up to its old tricks and fucking up peoples lives yet again.



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