Blogs, Health and Lifestyle

Last Week Proves that People from New Jersey Still Suck at Driving in the Snow

New Jersey has a few stereotypes: Everyone is a Guido. Every dad looks like someone straight out of the Sopranos. Everyone is trashy. It smells. There’s no center. Blah blah blah.

  1. Stereotype– a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.


When New Jersey saw our first rainfall of the season last week, the people of this great state confirmed that stereotypes. Not only are Jersey-ians aggressive drivers, they’re just all around bad drivers–and in the snow? Fuggeddaboutit.

The standard speed limit on the Garden State Parkway is 65 mph. But the unspoken speed limit on the parkway amongst jersey drivers is 80 mph, 85 mph if you’re in the fa lane. And this is driving safely.

People from New Jersey we’re absolutely not ready for the snow as there we’re 555 accidents on roads that are monitored by state-police. 555. Only on roads that state-cops cover…not even accidents that happened that happened at the regional or local level. This is a positive correlation, folks.

Typical Garden State Parkway

Another true stereotype about the people of New Jersey is that we love to hate our commutes. Nothing gets the people of NJ going like complaining about the traffic on their way in or yapping about how much more crowded the train was than everyone elses train. And, surprise of the year, we complained like a mofo about the snow and the traffic buildups.

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In a M. Night Shamallamadingdong type twist, for once the commuters had a right to complain bout the traffic as those 555 accidents caused hours and hours of traffic that extended for miles and miles. It would take the average NJ driver an hour to go one mile on 287. For this investigative journalist, we interviewed someone who had to travel from New Brunswick to Newark.

The drive, without traffic, takes 41 minutes, according to Google Maps. However, it took our source, (AKA me…I had an errand to run after class). I took the fastest route to Newark via I-95. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, they said. I-95 is the fastest way to get there, they said. My departure time of 7:00 P.M.  was late enough to not hit the after-work traffic, they said. -bP3wg

No. None of these things came true, as the after-work–5:30 traffic was still on their way home. They we’re still using the highways that I needed to….except “using” isn’t the right word. They we’re sitting in traffic or getting into traffic accidents. That is all that was happening on major highways. I sat in traffic for a solid 5 hours, bleeding from my eyes and ripping my intestines out of my esophagus…metaphorically of course.

And here we are…me, a victim of the system that forced me to sit in traffic with all my other bad drivers. Me, complaining about how bad the traffic was. That’s all I have to say. Fuck that true stereotype. It’s racist I tell ya.

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Roast me

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