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If Your 2019 New Years Resolution’s List Doesn’t Look Like This, You’re Doing it Wrong

New Years Resolutions are quickly becoming pointless past times. We make our lists as general guidelines for us…we have no real intention of fulfilling our goals, rather, we try and do fuck-alll better than the year before (This is your classic, “I am going to try and exercise more this year” resolution).

I love making New Years Resolutions. Not because I do everything on them, because I make lists of things–realistic things–that I actually want to do. And if I get any or all done, then great, but if I don’t get any of them done… it’s no sweat off my back because I know you certainly didn’t fucking start volunteering for charity or doing any other of your Self Improvement Goals you suck too much to do.

#1) Learn How to set reasonable, attainable goals–One’s where I can check my progress.

#2) At minimum, become a hundred-millionaire.

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#3) Go on a blind date where each person is blindfolded and actually has to experience what blind people experience when dating.

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#4) Tell a girl I love her way too early. Record my findings from the experiment.

#5) Become friends with someone you have literally zero way of communicating with. For whatever reason, you find yourself spending a lot of time with that person though it’s seemingly impossible.

#6) Invent a way to take care of all the responsibilities you dont want to do without ever actually doing them…and even though you did nothing , they somehow magically get done.

#7) Get a tattoo of a really hard puzzle so that when you show it off, people must ‘admire’ it for a long time trying to figure out its meaning. Like I’d get a tattoo of an equation and tell people to solve the problem for the tattoo’s meaning:

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#8) Give someone purposely confusing directions to a location down the road.

#9) Persuade someone to convert to a religion you know nothing about.

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#10) Invent a word. For example, according to Urban Dictionary, Matt Markel created the word “Splerf,” which is defined as the act of jizzing in one’s hand and then using that hand to slap yourself in the face with it out of confusion and excitement.

#11) sdrawkcab hsilgne nrael (“learn English backwards”).

#12) Build a Tree house with an indoor pool. Then Build an underwater base with only an underwater, indoor pool in it.

#13) Run onto a field in the middle of an NFL game in regulation NFL equipment. After you’re released from your brief stunt in prison, send the tape into said NFL team, with the note, “My highlight reel for running-back.”

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#14) Publish a Modern Art magazine filled with only old ass historical portraits.

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#15) Write a list of famous lists.

#16) Bowl a 300.

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#17) Watch 300.

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#18) Read a really long book that has many personal interpretations to you and ultimately find one that is going to piss you off to the point that you can re-enact this scene from Silver Linings Playbook solely because you think it looks cool:

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#19) I planned on having 25 goals on this thing in in total….so I guess this resolution is to finish this list. Both my mind and body literally cannot come up with new goals. My fingers will physically not allow me to move on to new goals. So this is where I am tapping out. Will I achieve my goals? Only time will tel..but I will almost definitely not do it.

#20-25) Idk you could probably expect something that resembles one of these:

Roast me

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