Have you ever had one of those days when your alarm goes off in the morning and you can just tell that you are insanely tired by the very first ring. Like, your alarm intrudes your sleeping ears as if you we’re an aspiring starlet and your alarm was Bill Cosby. You hear the alarm go off and your body just feels so beat that you think to yourself, “there is no fucking way it’s actually time to wake up” because your body feels so god damn weak that you think there is no way you’re going to have the will to get ready for work.
But you get up anyway after hitting snooze once or twice because you just have to show up at school or work because you just do. And you get ready for work or school but you’re literally falling asleep with everything you do. There is no worse feeling than being absolutely exhausted in a really hot shower and struggling to stay awake in said shower. Actually there is one worse feeling than that: opening up your eyes and realizing you fell asleep in the shower for 45 minutes and now your arms and legs feel like noodles because of your low blood pressure.
So you’re half awake trying to eat breakfast, and your mouth and hands are on autopilot. You’re going through the motions just slowly moving the spoon from the bowl to your mouth and back and then you are looking at your next spoonful of lactose drenched carbohydrates and it’s like your brain finally turned on for the day and you stare at your next bite and think……
What the fuck am I eating?
Is it a soup, salad, or could it possibly even be in the dairy category with sprinkles of crunch on the top layer of lactose–almost like a yogurt with some granola on top? Questions like this have long been considered by the great ponderers of mindless logistics. Lucky for you, we break all he questions down better than the enzymes in your stomach.
- What Kind of food is cereal? Soup, salad, or what?
It depends on the ratio! If there is more milk than cereal in the bowl, than you’ve got yourself a breakfast soup topped off with some cereal crackers. If there’s more cereal than milk, suddenly your meal becomes a salad full of really weird croutons with some 2% milk dressing. It all depends on what is the main ingredient of the bowl. You can’t just say that all bowls of cereal are salads because if you have a bowl with 70% milk and 30% cereal, that literally could never translate to a salad. Think about trying to eat a salad in a bowl and 70% of the bowl is ranch dressing and the other 30% is lettuce. Barf. And on the other hand, if you had 90% cereal in the bowl and 10% milk, there would only be enough milk for a thin layer to cover all of the grains–if it even could get to each flake or cheerio or what have you. You got yourself there a hearty breakfast salad with a tad bit milk dressing baby. Merica.
2. Toast. Why is it okay to eat bread with some spread as a meal at breakfast, but it’s only eaten as a pre-meal appetizer at dinner?
Great question, me! It is actually the way the bread is used. A good rule of thumb is to think about what the bread is atypically used for. If it is something you can cut in half horizontally, slab a layer of some sort of topping on one of them and make it into a sandwich, rhen you can eat it for breakfast. For example, buttered kaiser rolls are typically used for hearty sandwiches like cheeseburgers or ham and cheese or whatever. So a kaiser roll can obviously be eaten at breakfast as many people start their days with buttered rolls.
3. Is Macaroni and Cheese technically a pasta?
Well….it’s an impasta! Ha! Classic! No, it’s not a pasta–not just because you don’t see Mac and Cheese in the list of pastas in the entree section of the legit italian restaurants. Not only because it’s a delicious meal made for kids (I don’t get why there is a stigma around adults eating mac and cheese but I will valiantly stand up in the face of adversity for us Mac and Cheese eaters).
Despite just having the only ingredients necessary to be classified as a pasta dish (pasta and some type of sauce), Macaroni and Cheese is technically classified as a Casserole. Invented in England, the dish is finalized by baking in an oven, while pasta is strictly boiled.
4. Is a hot dog a sandwich?
A heated debate:
The PR guy at the National Hot Dog Council says that a hot dog is in it’s own unique category.
The Food Newtowrk’s “Sandwich King,” Jeff Mauro, host of The Sandwich King, disagrees:
“The definitive answer is yes! Because there is the kingdom of sandwiches and then you have the class of horizontal cased meats and under that in the phylum is hot dog,” he explains. “It’s between carbs. It’s handheld. It eats and chews like a sandwich and there are two independent sides.”
The answer is….it’s a sandwich! The Sandwich King is right! The National Hot dog Council used the dali llama as analogy: “Limiting the hot dog’s significance by saying it’s ‘just a sandwich’ is like calling the Dalai Lama ‘just a guy.” While both the Dalai Lama and hot dog can be as extraordinary and amazing as you’d like to characterize them, the National Hot Dog Council basically just proved themselves wrong. While the Dalai Lama was no ordinary man, he still was a man.While a hot dog may be no ordinary sandwich, it still is a sandwich.
And if that doesn’t have you convinced, think about it this way: A sandwich is characterized as a meat between two pieces of bread. Recall a hot dog you’ve eaten in the past that had its bun accidentally ripped in half. You’d would still identify that as a hot dog. If you identify that as a hot dog but not a sandwich, then you’d have to change the criteria for a sandwich as it literally meats the criteria. Confusing, I know, but all you need to know is that it’s a fucking sandwich.
5. What kind of fruit is a pineapple?
You know how there are apple-esque fruits (peaches,pears, and pomes) , orange like fruits (clementines, grapefruit, lemons, etc.) berries(strawberries, blueberries, raspberries) melons (watermelon, canteloupe honeydew, etc)? Well…. WHAT THE FUCK IS A PINEAPPLE? Fucking things are like one giant mix of all the fruits thrown into one. It’s like if all the power rangers we’re fruits (not a gay joke) and morphed into one giant robot thing and became THE PINEAPPLE.
PINEAPPLES ARE FUCKING BERRIES! Absurd. The science behind it is too complicted for me to try and learn and then summarize for you, but basically it has to do with pines or apples or seeds or some shit. Actually, if you think about the way a raspberry or blackberry looks, you can sort of see the resemblance between pineapples.
As Always, if you have any other questions on the topic, please don’t contact us! We have enough on our plates! Like all of these foods!