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In case you Missed It: Here are the 14 Things From the 2019 Grammy Awards That Anyone Actually Cares About

1. Dolly Parton is still alive.

            In fact, she has some fucking chops. Though she was born in the BC era (before Cyrus), she proved that she still has some serious lungs when she performed with her goddaughter, Miley Cyrus. In fact, a couple of star singers came out and sang with Dolly about some solidarity shit and to honor how she paved the way for young women. Personally, I think they came out to help her with some of the vocals so that Dolly could ease up on how much she had to sing and sort of fade her voice to anonymity amongst all the women.

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People forget that Dolly PArton is only 73. All that plastic surgery makes her look like she is 30…times older than 73. You can hardly notice that she got any work done too!


2. The artist, literally named, “Her” performed.

            Guy #1: “Her performed.”

            Guy #2: “I don’t know her.”

            Guy #1: “You don’t know her?”

            Guy #2: “I do not know her.”

            Guy #1: “How do you not know her?”

            Guy #2: “I literally do not know who you’re talking about.”

            Guy #1: “I’M TALKING ABOUT HER!”

            Guy #2: “WHO IS HER!”

            Guy #1: “THE PERSON WHO PERFORMED!”

            Guy #2: “WHAT IS HER FUCKING NAME?”

            Guy #1: “HER!”

Guy #2: “I am not speaking to you until you tell me her name.”

Guy #1: “IT’S HER!”


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No! Not “Her” the movie!

Now I know the mustache look isn’t the most popular, but why the hell does Joaquin Phoenix keep the stache. He looks like a young Tom Selleck or maybe Charlie Chaplin if Charlie Chaplin didn’t have a Hitler stache. Kind of a power move that Chaplin didn’t shave his stache after Hitler rose to power. I mean, Chaplin played him in the movie The Great Dictator, but bro you gotta shave that after filming. He looks like someone gave him a Dirty Sanchez. Google it if you’re over 18.


3. Michelle Obama showed up.

            Apparently she had time to take a break from trying to make fat kids feel bad about themselves.

Don’t know the real reason she showed.


4. The only music movie, A star is Born, won all the awards that had to do with music in movies.


The only other movie that could’ve won was Kendrick Lamar’s Album he made for Black Panther. You should check that out.

Pretty sure La La Land won everything in the movie category last year or whenever that movie came out. The movie section of awards actually have a lot of categories. Some might say the movie section is just to have more categories to give out Awards. Some might say that. Not me. But I bet some say that. Smart people. Probably.


5. Post Malone and The Red Hot Chili Peppers performed together

            Seems like the RHCP members are on drugs again.

Drugs: not even once


6. Drake makes a passive aggressive speech for his Aubrey Grammy!

Aubrey Grammy!

Drake, for starters, called his fans, “regular people.” Guess celebrities think they’re in some sort of elite club that we regulars will never understand. Remember in family guy when they call regular people, ‘normies.’

Anyway, Drake, with his Grammy in hand, tries to say that anyone could have won his granny because the award is “opinion based,” compared to factually based awards like champions in sports. He referenced the NBA.

Tell that to anyone in New Orleans because I doubt they’d agree with you. I do believe that everyone in New Orleans would argue that their loss to the Rams was due to an NFL referee’s opinion. And that the infamous no call for pas-interference in the NFC Championship game caused the New Orleans Saints the game. So sports aren’t totally factually based.

All that was to make Drake look dumb.

Nothing I could do could ever make drake look dumb though

Secondly, Drake said that every musician should not feel bad because the Grammy’s don’t matter because “If they have regular people” coming out to see their shows—people that “walk through the snow” and “buy tickets” to see them perform live—those musicians shouldn’t care about not winning the Grammy because they’ve already won. Basically, he was trying to say that musicians should feel like winners for having fans—especially passionate ones.

I would be so mad if I was one of the other nominees. It drives me nuts when people win things and achieve massive achievements and they’re like, “huh, I won that? I didn’t even notice. I don’t even care.” COME ON MAN. You’re in a position that is so many aspiring and struggling musician’s life goal and you’re belittling the award.

In all seriousness, Drake’s speech was him trying to be a dick to the Grammy’s because the Grammy’s hate hip hop. Like for real. You’ll see.

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Don’t think the trophy needed to move for the point to get across but to each their own

Drake’s statements actually led to his mic being cut-off . If only someone did the same every-time Drake performed his pop hit, “Motto.” But then again, who cares? Cuz You Only Live Once that’s the motto n-word yolo.


7. Lady Gaga’s performed to reiterate how fucking strange she is.

            Gaga screamed at odd times during her performance of her song, and stood In weird ways. You know, because she has been in the mainstream media too much from A Star is Born. That said, she performed the song, “Shallow,” from the movie and just wow. I usually hate live performances and tend to think they’re boring but Gaga’s antics kept me paying attention and the woman’s vocals are just insane.

Lest we forget her meat dress. Fashion and Dress Designers don’t give celebrities enough credit for basically endorsing the designer by wearing their brand. Whose the butcher that designed Gaga’s dress? He has a future in fashion.

Lady Gaga’s management team was worried about the heat and all of the lighting on stage…worried that the meat might spoil. How rare is her dress? Medium-rare? Medium? It definitely isn’t medium-well because at that point it becomes distasteful.Gaga was actually suppose to perform with the Spice Girls at that event but apparently Ginger Spice didn’t complement Lady Gaga’s meat tastefully. Bad seasoning can ruin a dress.

Lady Gaga could really benefit from some close friends that are willing to give her the honest truth before leaving the house when she asks, “How do I look?”


8. Diana Ross’s Grandson is Already too good at Public Speaking

            I, like many college students, have taken public speaking as some sort of elective or gen-ed or even majored in public speaking and none of us could ever do as well as Diana Ross’s grandson did at the grammy’s. I couldn’t even do that well in a classroom full of students, let alone the world’s biggest musicians and millions of fans around the world).

By the way, those people that did actually major in public speaking: yikes. Public speaking majors must have a really easy time getting a job….as the person who takes orders at a drive thru fast food place. Nothing like using their hard earned skills from a minimum of four years of sleep deprivation and pointless classes to just fucking crush it as a order importer and combo meal exporter.


9. Diana Ross

Also still alive. And also performed. 75. It was her birthday!

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Boys: How many beers?


10. Ariana Grande didn’t go but made a hissy fit on twitter about it so everyone ever knew that she wasn’t there in protest

            Grande didn’t attend the Grammy’s because of a dispute with the Academy. Grande was scheduled to perform. The academy wanted to pick her songs. Grande wanted to pick her own songs to perform. IT was a classic negotiation for the ages!

So she didn’t go. She tweeted a picture of her laying on the floor in her Grammy’s dress that she was supposed to wear as if anyone gave a fuck. Don’t know why she didn’t just save it for another red carpet appearance but instead she chose to fuck it all up and lay on the floor. 

She tagged Alfredo, thanking him for designing the dress.. I too thanked Alfredo for the pasta I ate last night.

Also, She Called Cardi B ‘trashy’ by accident. She was pissed that Cardi B won something over the recently deceased Mac Miller. But she deleted the tweet. That’s one luxury we normies have over celebrities. Normies can write super controversial tweets, delete it a day later, and no one would notice or care. If Grande posts something (that isn’t even that bad) and deletes it literally 1 second later, thousands of her 61 million twitter followers see it and cause a stir.

Bullshit! It’s figurative, not literal!

Shocking. A Ton of Ariana Grande gossipy news regarding the Grammy’s and she didn’t even show up! Crazy! Who would have thought she would throw a tantrum to make front page tabloids! Not people with Brains, that’s for sure! People with brains know that nothing Ariana Grande does is for media attention.


11. Childish Gambino Makes the Grammy’s His Bitch

Childish Gambino’s This is America wins Song of the Year. Gambino didn’t go to the Grammy’s because the Grammy’s hate hip hop. The last time the artist that won song of the year didn’t attend the Grammy’s was 16 years ago in 2003 Luther Vandross’s manager accepted his Grammy in his place for 2003’s song of the year: Dance with My Father.

Gambino’s song This is America is the first Hip Hop song to ever win Song of The Year. Apparently, the people behind the Grammy’s have been dicks to musicians in the Hip Hop community, especially in the last few years:

(The National) “Hip-hop’s latest fight back against the Grammy’s really ramped up in 2016 when Frank Ocean didn’t submit his critically lauded album Blonde for Grammy consideration, labeling the event “dated.” The Grammys eventually responded to the growing angst – and low ratings – by expanding the diversity of its membership and setting up committees to ensure quality control and relevancy when it comes to nominations.

This resulted in a slew of hip-hop acts nominated for major awards last year, with Jay Z, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino all vying for albums of the year. Inexplicably, however, it was Bruno Mars’s catchy yet ultimately safe and unremarkable 24K that took out the category, and a lot of that goodwill was lost. This was further compounded when Lamar’s album Damn went on to win the Pulitzer Prize for Music – it seems like a panel of academics were far more aware of its quality than a group of music industry tastemakers and insiders. 


This took me forever to make

Even the song, “This is America,” is just so perfect because it’s just so America. America is the only place where this would happen.


12. Papa Elf AKA Buddy the Elf’s Adoptive Father 

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I know he’s a legendary comedian and all….but I don’t recall Papa Elf being all too funny.

“You’re a clown fish? Hey tell us a joke!”–Finding Nemo

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….is so old. Dude reflected on winning a Grammy in 1961. 1961! My Dad was 1!. My Mom won’t be born for 3 years!

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89 years young

Did he win the damn thing at 14 or something?!?

NewHart’s poor, poor parents. Bob was born on September 5th, 1929. The eldest son. A month later the stock market crashes marking the beginning of the Great Depression. Talk about the absolute worst time to start a family.

But Papa Elf was a good sport about it. He and Alessia joked about his age. Alessia didn’t know if it was her grandmother or great grandmother or great-great grandmother that used to play Bob’s records. Bob pretended to be mad about it. But the fact that Newhart still has his sense of humor and comedic creativity is enough to make you feel gay.

Gay as in happy or joyous. Like in Papa Elf’s favorite Christmas song, Deck the Halls: D’on we now our gay apparel!”


13. Cardi B-ecame The first Solo woman to Win Rap Album Grammy

Cry about it.

She did. She was tearing up during her acceptance speech. Honestly it was refreshimg and inspiring. I love her. She is just so authentic and unapologetic-ally herself. Good for her.

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14. The Memoriams

We’re sad. As always. But two of our generations finest and favorites passed away: Avicii and Mac Miller. Those we’re the only recognizable names– didn’t recognize anyone else.

Some people are angry that Avicii and Mac Miller didn’t get more of a tribute.


Did you care about any of these? If not, call 555-555-5555 and we’ll be happy to ease the you-problems you’re experiencing,

Roast me

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