Sports, Technology, TV

Remember when Everybody used Yahoo-Search instead of Google or Bing? Here is Why No One Uses it Anymore (SPOILER: It’s because Yahoo! Sucks D**k).

It’s 2:35 AM right now. I am watching the Critically-Acclaimed Jordan Peele flick Get Out, tired as all hell. The female lead looks so damn familiar…and hot. One probably has to do with the other. Where do I know her from? It’s killing me. She is too hot to forget–err uhh I meant to say that her acting skills are too memorable to forget. Was it sexist of me to automatically think I knew her because of her looks and not her film work? Best not get into that rabbit hole–unless it’s her rabbit hole. Seriously though, I really don’t want too deep into her…i mean it.

Image result for wink gif

I don’t want to just google, “Get Out cast” on my phone because there is no sense of accomplishment in that. IT’s just too easy. There’s a scene in How I met your Mother where all of the main characters are arguing over the most popular food in America that is then compared to a scene 10 years later where everyone’s on their smart phones and Robin says in a lazy, tired voice, “Remember that argument we had over the most popular food? It’s bread.” HA! Hilarious! 9 seasons of regurgitation that had nothing to do with meeting the kid’s mother.

Okay so what happened was I was on Yahoo just getting angrier and angrier because they because I could easily tell that Yahoo! has been tracking my online activity as every article was about things I was recently looking at online (Don’t know why it was giving me so many articles about the Reality Show Queer Eye though………..).

Image result for queer eye

And so I was like fuck it I wont be able to sleep until I know this chicks name because it’ll just be on my mind all night and so I looked up the Get-Out Cast and then re-searched her name on Yahoo Search.

1st of ALL) I’ve never seen or heard of jack shit she’s been in so the whole thing was pointless. Her name is Allison Williams.

2nd of All) THIS IS WHAT FUCKING YAHOO’S SEARCH RESULTS GAVE ME:

Here are the only 3 possible explanations that Zion came up in that search:

  1. “williams” appears in both of their names.
  2. Both are rising stars, early in their careers and are expected to do very big things. Both in their careers, and in her beds.
  3. Once you go black, you’ll never go back.

After doing a little research, I have learned that the two people have absolutely nothing to do with one another! They don’t even share a last name. His name is Zion Williamson, not Zion Williams.

It is now 3:30 AM. I have done much more blogging than I thought I would, but I have to get to the bottom of this. Search engine Optimization, more commonly, “SEO” is the process of associating one’s post with certain keywords so that a person looking up the subject can find your article, or are more likely to find it, from the search results of a Search engine. For example, if you wrote a blog about your cupcake recipes, you would make your keywords things like: cupcakes. recipes, instructions, baking, ingredients, how to, DIY (Do it Yourself), etc, so someone who googled, “how to make cupcakes from scratch,” might find your blog in some of the top results (though there’s about a billion articles about making cupcakes from scratch so don’t go using this example on your brand new blog and expect to make it to Google Result Page 1 ahead of fucking Betty-Crocker).

Essentially, Yahoo gave results about Zion basically because you can’t spell Williamson without Williams! The logical question to ask now is, well, why would Yahoo give you such a crap SEO keyword result. Th answer is sort of obvious, once you know that one of Yahoo’s biggest money makers every year comes from March Madness brackets, predictions, etc. They want to get you in front of as many advertisements as possible because they’ll make more money. So Yahoo gives you results for NCAA’s 2019 basketball phenom when you search up Ashley Williams in case, ya know, you typed “ZION Williamson” so terribly wrong that you must have sneezed and hit your head on the keyboard and accidentally wrote Ashley Williams.

Yahoo uses any excuse to bring you a search result that is even remotely related to NCAA basketball or anything that COULD be related to basketball just hoping for the off chance that you are one of the millions of people that follow College Basketball and the article might (probably would) catch your eye and get you to click and consequently have to view their advertisements. So basically it’s deliberately giving you results about stuff you didn’t look up to try and distract you, bring you back to their site, cause more traffic, and make them more money. And people wonder why kids have ADHD at such a higher rate these days…you can’t even look up an actress without being being bombarded with distractions.

Yahoo Mail is literally all promotions and absolute nonsense

I rarely use my Yahoo email account (seanmac6969@yahoo.com… currently looking for a pen pal). The most emails I get are from Yahoo about their newest promotions…and if you look closely, those emails about advertisements are UNDER AN ADVERTISEMENT DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE AN EMAIL to trick me into clicking it.

“If we write “AD” in tiny letters, they’ll totally see it and totally not be tricked into clicking on the email and totally think we aren’t scumbags.”

The bible says, “The devil works in mysterious ways.” I understand what that means now. It means that the devil is currently running Yahoo Search.

GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY (3:56 am)!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.