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The United Methodist Church Expected to No Longer Be United Because of Disagreements Regarding LBTQ Policies

In one of the most absurd turn of events that I’ll ever witness in my young adult life, The United Methodist Church is expecting to dismantle as there currently is a major divide among the United Methodists regarding one of their core beliefs. Half of the church believes that those church members that are LGBTQ+ should be allowed to be pastors, while the other half vehemently disagrees. And the debate has become so ugly that things have spiraled out of control to the point of no repair.

You have to have a seriously big nut-sack to put “united” In your group’s name if you’re immediately going to stop being united because some of your religious people act a little homophobic. No shit…what did you think would happen? Every church has those special type of ignorant ass that think it’s their right to be cruel to gay people and believe that they’re ethical people. It’s expected in any religious group. The most generic of church problems split up a worldwide group of allegedly united people. Besides the church’s clear problem of having an eye-opening amount of homophobic members, they now can never, ever, ever refer to themselves as “United” or anything remotely similar ever again.

For perspective, here is a list of groups that have demonstrated that they’re MORE united than The United Methodists:

The Beatles

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You might say that Yoko Ono was to The Beatles as LGBTQ+ pastors are to The United Methodist Church.

The United States of America

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There was only one time the USA was not united–ironically due to disagreements over civil rights as well. Even in today’s political climate where Democrats and Republicans would voluntarily fight to the death, United we stand.

United Airlines
United Airlines is united in their commitment to staying in the news because of controversial customer service–like when United banned a 9 year-old child from a flight for violated their dress code. She was wearing tights. B

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Bees of the Hive
If there is one thing that Unites one bee to another, it’s their extreme dedication to their queen and maintenance of their hive. Honestly, I wish that I cared about anything as much as bees cared about their queen.

When is the last time a celebrity or politician had that kind of loyalty from their following? Maybe Queen B? (as in beyonce).

The 3rd Reich
I thought of the answer to, “When is the last time a celebrity or politician had that kind of loyalty from their following?” Immediately after typing the question. I was like, “Damn, Queen Bees are like dictators. OMG Hitler had that sort of relationship with Nazi Germany! Hitler literally used cult-like ideals to make Germans so loyal, and believe in Adolf so wholeheartedly that they convinced themselves that the atrocities of the holocaust we’re actually justified. Obviously Nazi Germany was awful, but it’s safe to say that the Nazi Political party had more unision than Methodists could imagine.

The United Nations
The United Nations intervenes in international conflicts to prevent world wars from ever happening again. So basically all the countries of the UN–AKA most of the World–bans together to pacify the dispute. Do you know how fucking hard it is for the entire world to unite to accomplish something? Methodists, that feeling of embarrassment is warranted.


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They may some of the worst people on earth, but they definitely are all united in their belief in white supremacy. I mean, they’re wrong, but they’re wrong together.

Westboro Baptist Church

This is literally a church made up of the scum of the earth. Not only are they homophones, but they just fucking hate people that are almost universally liked. These people have the audacity to publicly condemn the soldiers that give their lives for the church’s right to publicly condemn them without being thrown in jail (though the more adequate punishment would be to beat their skulls in).

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Actually you’re my enemy

Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson
Despite Tristan cheating on Khloe with everything that moves and one of her best friends, even Khloe didn’t totally sever her relationship with Tristan. Most people would completely cut off ties with a significant other that so publicly embarrassed them by making a mockery of their partner without regard for the sanctity of their love.

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And yet, Khloe maintains a relationship with Tristan as the two are united in their belief that a friendly relationship is necessary to properly raise their child. The two are united co-parents. There is no such thing as United Co-Methodists. Sorry Methodists.


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