Getting your genitals examined is uniquely strange for something that’s a standard part of the general practitioner’s medical checkup. There aren’t many times in life where you’ll pull your pants down while someone else takes a gander (unless you’ve got game, of course). And there are even fewer instances where you pull down your pants while someone else takes a gander in a totally non-sexual way. It’s weird to think that for a brief moment in time, a doctor is literally studying your penis or vagina.
One trip to the pediatrician from my early years of puberty stands out among the rest, a time period defined as my age of exploration and discovery of my body and sexuality. To this today, I do not think it is my fault that I masturbated as much as I did. It isn’t their fault that teenage boys get the most absurdly random boners as often as they do. It isn’t their fault that infinite amounts of porn are as easy as saying yes to a security popup that asks, “Are you at least 18 years of age?” It isn’t their fault that TBS was airing an episode of Friends where Jennifer Anniston clearly wasn’t wearing a bra under her shirt that they happen to be watching at that time (and it isn’t their fault that it was a seemingly cold/nipply on the set of Friends that day).
Anyway, as I implied above, my dick got hard pretty much at all times of the day. Forget morning wood, I had morning, late morning, midday, lunch, afternoon, golden hour, late afternoon, evening, dawn, midnight, and dusk wood. It got hard when I was watching porn, public speaking, or at a funeral—it made no difference.
I visited my pediatrician for a routine physical. It got to that time when I was about to drop my pants and cough when my pediatrian asked my mom to leave the room for a second, which had never happened before (I assume it’s because I was getting older). So my mom left and she told me to drop em.
Before I tell you about my balls being fondled, you should know this about my pediatrician. First of all, I did not ever and have not ever found her attractive in any way. I am sure she wasn’t that old at the time (maybe late 40s, similar to my parents), but the barely teen aged naive kid I was saw her as near geriatric. As much as I respect the modern day cougar on the prowl, GILFs just aren’t for me.
Also, she’s an Asian American and has a thick but easily understandable accent. I’ve never been one of those guys that’s super into Asian women and I guess this fact has nothing to do with anything really, but I just thought it was worth pointing out because I know this can be a turn on for some men (plus I—like all guys—have watched their fair share of Asian porn. I guess the point is that when she fondled my balls I was like oh I have seen this before during self-love). My pediatrician is(was) a hardworking, very busy woman that’s always on her feet so she can move from room to room faster. This important to remember as It explains why she was on her knees while her face was inched from my dick, rather than sitting in one of those doctor chairs that can get real low.
Okay so my mom left the room and then before I even dropped my pants, my doctor is getting on her knees. I realize now that she did that only because she stays on her feet so it was just faster than having to get and return the chair from the other side of the room and faster than making me lay down on the table and then pull my pants down (or worse, pulling my pants down and THEN climbing up on the table while looking atrociously awkward). So I couldn’t help but feel like the situation was sexual since I was looking at a woman on her knees waiting for me to unbuckle my pants and reveal my penis so she can touch my genitals.
When they came off, the distinct enjoyful feeling of nakedness tingled my pelvis. Oh shit, I thought as her soft hands encapsulated my sack, brushing the sensitive nerve endings of my penis tip. Dear god not fucking now I am begging you. Of course, I hadn’t felt a lovers touch at that age, so any interaction with any female was bound to have some sexually arousing effect on me. She stared at it for 30 seconds without saying a word, marveling at its magnificence…probably. Actually, she hasn’t said a word for like a whole minute. The fuck? There must be something that looks like its cause for concern and she is assessing it. That or she is in awe over my scouring pad-like bush that all inexperienced teens have. The thought of her looking at my bush kept my penis at bay for some reason.
Then she asked me to cough, switching back and forth, grazing the peep and never breaking eye contact (most doctors look away when they ask you to cough, don’t they?). I kept trying to think of men’s pubes since that was keeping the white snake at 1/6th chubb. And then I swear I felt some hot breath hit the dick, and I started to lose it. Thankfully, the feeling of warmth that was almost the straw that broke the camel’s back came from her saying, “Okay, you can pull your pants up. You’re fine.” Because the next thing I knew, my penis is standing at attention, stiff as military and non-military privates are. Luckily she didn’t see it as she has already turned around and was reading my patient file. She probably wouldn’t have seen it anyway because she didn’t have a magnifying glass. I shoved my dick in and pushed it off to the right side of my pant leg. The sight of my mom as she returned to the room gave my dick a superpower! The shrinking power of marvel’s ant-man.
At that age, I really don’t know what I would’ve done had I lost control—other than apologize a million times despite her most likely wanting to move on and forget it ever happened. What would I do if this happened present day? Probably the same, except I’d pull the doctor-client privilege card BIG TIME.
Leaving Doctor Robinsons that day, I wondered if I’d remember that trip to the doctor. On the ride home, we listened to “physical” by Olivia Newton-John per my request. For whatever reason, I couldn’t get the song out of my head. I said to my mother, “now I know why you get a physical at the doctors!” My mother said, “I don’t get the joke.”
Recounting to my Mother what happened when she left the room in order for her to understand that joke was significantly worse than almost getting a boner while my doctor has a handful of my ball sack.
For whatever reason, all things that have to do with penile embarrassment have a really strong culture of silence among men, so If you have ever accidentally gotten a hard on during an exam or massage (“accidentally” during a massage), just know that you’re not alone, it’s totally common and totally normal, especially if you find the person examining you physically attractive. And if you are being examined by a dude and get a little boneriffic , don’t go freaking out questioning your sexuality because it was an involuntary reaction (not that there’s anything to freak-out about you homophobe).
Also a simple google search of “accidental erection at doctor” will give you pages and pages of just different men’s forums and discussion boards of men telling their stories of erections at the doctor and how t (unless their doctors basically explained that it wasn’t a big deal at all. And no that wasn’t a joke about dick size.