Sports

The US Women’s Soccer Team are Back-To-Back Fifa World Cup Champs, while the Men’s Team Can’t even Qualify: What to Do When Men Suck

As the US Women’s National Soccer team celebrates their world cup victory, it is time to address a quandary that has been on everyone’s minds since last US women’s world cup victory in 2015, and the US mens national team’s failure to qualify for the 2018 world cup.

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The point of using government funding and facilities participating in things like the Olympics and the Fifa World Cup is that it promotes a sense of nationalism among people of their country. We are unified with people we’d normally have zero relationship with. Both you and the neighbor you’ve never spoken to but have always steered clear from because they have three cats and every single one of them is hairless are represented by the United States national Team. And unless they hate the US National teams for some odd reason (possibly because no members of the team are owners of hairless cats) your neighbor is probably going to find themselves cheering on the US team, right along with the rest of the country. Suddenly your neighbor doesn’t seem so weird, suddenly your neighbor is someone your proud to live by…I mean, you’re a hairless pussy-lover too right?

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If all goes according to plan, spending government funding on national sports will result in athletes from your country participating In international competitions and a nice uptick in #CountryPride across the nation(s). In the worst of scenarios, our national teams aren’t able to qualify for the big international, televised event and we waste literal government funding and facilities paying for nothing. The reason it’s such a colossal waste if they can’t make the big show is because the people at home can’t watch the team compete in the televised event. And thus the people of the country still hate their neighbor and their wrinkly pussies since they can’t watch the national team on the TV and mutually root for the US Men’s national curling teams. 

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The US men’s soccer team did not even make the 2017 Fifa World Cup. Many agree that it’s embarrassing that the most powerful country in the world cannot even qualify for the group stage of the Fifa World Cup. Not only is it shameful, but frankly it’s a waste of government money and resources. We invested in the men’s soccer team and couldn’t even make it to drop stage of the World Cup. Yes, everyone expected the United States to get shafted, but at least we would be participating in the Russian-hosted event and we could find brethren in our skin colored pussy-owning neighbors. Honestly, every 4 years, the men’s soccer team should have the goal of winning the World Cup. And if they are to fall short of that, at least qualify for the damn thing.

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All of US saying goodbye to having a fun summer watching the Men’s World Cup

That is why the US Women’s Team just put on a fucking clinic when it comes to spending government money on National teams. They used their allotted budget to dominate the Women’s World Cup, setting a World Cup record of most goals ever scored in a World Cup with 26. The women’s team should get the men’s budget and we disseminate the men’s team since they aren’t yielding the results we want them to anyway. At least when the men’s World Cup comes around, we don’t have to feel the gut wrenching feeling of shame and embarrassment knowing that we couldn’t even qualify for the team. That way we could put all of our national pride into the women’s team and root for their dominance to continue to….dominate. that or they literally just compete in the men’s Fifa World Cup as well. They could probably qualify. Actually they definitely could. The reason the men couldn’t qualify for the 2018 cup is because the men lost to Trinidad and Tobago….you can’t even argue that the women would lose to either of those teams.

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I’m kidding, kind of. At least the US dominates like every Olympics. Plus football is our sport. If we played other countries in football, NOT futbol, we would lay pipe. There’s nothing I love to see more than the US Men’s basketball team just anally probing every other country even when they’re using their third stringers. 

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