Blogs, General Humor

MUST READ: 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t

Before you read, you should know that I took no pleasure in writing this. 

Here’s 7 reasons why you’re currently making the bad decision of reading this


1. This blog contains nothing of value

This blog contains no useful information. You will learn nothing, it contains nothing, no tips, it’s not even funny. Nothing that originated from this blog could ever be of value to anyone ever.

I wish I could write a blog with some tips on how to make mac n’ cheese with a creative twist that you can bring to dinner parties so everyone at the dinner party compliments you on how unusual yet tasteful your mac n’ cheese is even though it’s just the normal supermarket kind with a dab of sriracha. For the record, you should really try eating mac n cheese with a touch of siracha on it. I found that it makes the flavor much worse. But it’s so bad that you should try it so you know for the rest of your life just how truly awful it actually is.

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This blog isn’t even like mac n’ siracha n’ cheese–at least that is impressively disgusting. this blog can’t even bomb correctly. It’s not oh my god this blog has is so repulsing that if I continue reading I may actually have to take off of work because of it’s nauseating effect so maybe I should send this to my friends as a practical joke.”

Also, I have never, ever even tried sriracha on mac n’ cheese. Like I said, there’s no information, so I couldn’t tell you if it tastes good or not. If you know if it’s good, write a blog about it and send it to me and I’ll read it and then I’ll try it and then continue to tell people that sriracha and mac n’ cheese is a gross mixing.

2) Nothing to report.

There is no news to report that can be found here. Absolutely nothing topical. There are so many things going on in the world that’s worth reading and this blog contains absolutely none of them. No politics, no statistics, nothing about the most recent super fucked up crime that is developing—not even anything about your local feel-good story about the community coming together to help someone down on their luck…you know, the ones that get a little sliver of a column next to a story that says “manhunt for ex-assisted living center orderly accused of murdering little old ladies continues…being called the “assisted killing center orderly.” We’ve got nothing, not even anything on the kardashians. 

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If you think it’s a good thing that there is nothing newsworthy written here because the media and the news can’t be trusted, you should know you can’t trust me either. Not because of some sort of hidden agenda, but because I might just trust you right back. that, trust me. I’ll trust the fuck out of you. I’ve been told I trust way too hard. You don’t want, trust me.


3) This blog gets progressively confusing

Keep reading, I dare you. You’ll follow the maze-like map to the treasure chest is confusing only to find it stuffed to the brim with monopoly money.

4) KillerTakes gets nothing out of this either

Everyone knows that some blogs might write some bullshit that will try and  get you to read it, even though they know the blog is a total piece of shit. Like, how many times to do you see a blog that will say something like, “if you’re in your 20s or 30s, you need to know this.” And then you clock on the blog because you think, “damn, what could it be? I don’t want to be in a situation where I get completely screwed because I don’t know this information.” And then you get to the website and it says stuff you’ve heard since you were age  5. It probably says something like “DO NOT get a job you don’t like. If you love where you work, you’ll never work a day in your life.” People that write those blogs spew recycled bullshit just so they can make a click-bait title so they can make money with each click. I’m making nothing off of this. 

I can’t hear you, but I’ll just go ahead and assume you said thank you. So I’d like to say thank you for thanking me for writing my Killer Takes for you.

Not only will  you not be supporting me monetarily, but you aren’t supporting my hobbies in anyway either.   Maybe after reading #3 you’re thinking that maybe by reading this, you’d at least be giving me a little self-esteem boost by increasing the page view number higher. I am sorry to tell you that most people I know would argue that my self-esteem doesn’t need to be increased. Inf act, I am always being told that I have a huge ego. But let’s be honest, everyone knows that isn’t true. How could my ego be too large if everything about me is perfect?

5) This blog is ONLY about how you shouldn’t read it.

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There isn’t some surprise thing at the end of this or anywhere on this blog that is the actually what this is about or actually wha try wanted you to see. Sometimes you’ll read a headline that says something akin to, “If you’re a parent, you do NOT want to read this.” And the article ends up being about a mother that stops watching her kid for 5 seconds and when she turns back, their kid has been kidnapped.”

To my people–my rebels without causes, the ones that ignore all of the warning signs but trek on anyway, you are my people. I thank you for continuing to read this, though, as I’ve said many times, you shouldn’t. You should also get help, which I’ve also said many times before. I’ll thank you again when I see you at the asylum.

Not this article though. You don’t have to be a parent to fall into the category of people that shouldn’t read this blog. Oh no baby. To be in that special category, all you gotta do to be eligible is be able to read. If you can read this, you shouldn’t.

6) The Author is the worst

God the guy is the worst!

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He is always trying to be way too meta, always trying to break all of these walls and thinks he is breaking unspoken blogging rules when the reality is, all he does is write confusing sentences and write about things no one wants to read about. Who the hell would think that reading something that is about why it isn’t worth reading is worth reading? Even poking fun at the redundancy is redundant! And confusing!

And I am so sick of the self-deprication. Such cheap humour for a guy that is so handsome and classy and smart and intelligent. Also I hate the other schtick where the author pretends to be someone who thinks they’re super handsome and classy and smart and intelligent. But i guess that isn’t technically a schtick because those are just factual statements about the author.

In all seriousness, I’d like to defend myself by self- criticizing myself of my self-criticism of myself: I’m not redundant.

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Again, not redundant.

6a) Can’t stress #4 enough

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I’m such a jokester.

Just to reiterate, there is totally NOT something that is at the end of this bog that is the true thing I want you to see. You will Definitely, 100% NOT find something fucking bananas at the very end of this blog. 

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7) You’re wasting your time.

This blog being about nothing but why you shouldn’t read it. It reminds me of Seinfeld of their idea for their show about nothing. Contrary to my lone reader’s belief–shout out to my boy Barack from DC (no relation to Obama)–many believe that I came up with this isead from Seinfeld. No I did not. But that’s probably why the joke worked on Seinfeld and is floundering here.

To those who would argue that the blog’s purpose is to entertain both he reader and writer of the blog. For one. No, this is not to entertain the writer of the blog. Like I said before (not redundant) fuck the author. The selfish prick probably wrote even wrote this all by himself.

The purpose of this blog was to try and write a blog about a blog without purpose (experimentally artsy as fuck).

Of course, having a purpose to not have a purpose is by definition actually having a purpose. IT’s purpose is to have no purpose. so then the question becomes, is it even possible for humans to do things without purpose? Because even a show about nothing is a show about something. Or like a jar can never be empty, because technically it’s always filled with air and it’s components. 

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So this blog is about something, and that something is that it’s about nothing. Either way, you shouldn’t have read it. But s/o to you if you got this far. Dumbass. 


Surprise at end:

There’s no surprise. Surprised? You can’t be.

Roast me

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