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Happy Mother’s Day: Here a Totally Random list of 14 MILFs from Movies Everyone’s Seen

Here are the criteria for the actresses that made the list…they must meet all 3 of the following criteria:

  1. be a character that has a child at some point in the film
  2. be a character from a movie that is so popular that everyone knows about it; a movie that’s popular to the point where one would be surprised to hear that you haven’t seen it
  3. Be a milf
  4. Be someone who I can think of off of the top of my head while writing this

1. Robin Wright aka Jenny from Forrest Gump

Robin Wright is banging. Anything I watch with heRobin Wright is banging. Anything I watch with her in it is a gift to my eyes…even in House of Cards.

2. Natalie Portman aka Padme from Star Wars

Okay yes, she is a mother for like a maximum of 2 seconds and then she dies, but still, a mother is a mother and I doubt there is a single person that wouldn’t want to be the king to this queen.

3. Katherine Heigle aka Alison from Knocked Up

Some people view knocked up as a romantic comedy or a dram-com, but considering the movie is about a one night stand turned into a lifetime of parenting, some view it as a horror movie. Ugly people view it as an inspirational movie–telling themselves if Seth Rogen can score someone as hot as Heigl, they too can date someone other then their hand.

4. Jennifer Aniston aka Adam Sandler’s fake ex-wife in Just go With It

Theory: Jennifer Aniston has secretly found the fountain of youth and has been drinking from it for years.

5. Jayne Seymour aka the Mom that hits on Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers

For my fellow millennials, Jane Seymour actually has an extensive career in acting–she is not just the hot older cougar that seems to appear in a few comedy roles now and then. She has a golden globe and an Emmy (In our defense, they are for roles you probably have never heard of) and was in James Bond: Live and Let Die:

By the way, she also apparently has a role in a feature film called After Sex. I’ve never seen. I should see it. Actually, I have to go watch literally right now.

6. Margot Robbie aka The Duchess of Bayone from The Wolf of Wall street

A picture is worth a thousand words.

When casting for the Wolf of Wall Street, they had to pick someone who was so impossibly hot that if someone were high on quaaludes and saw her at a party, they’d immediately start going to town on themselves in front of everyone. The casting director succeeded.

7. Lorrain Bracco aka Karen– the wife of Ray Liotta’s character Henry in GoodFellas


When I watched the Sopranos, I never really thought of Tony’s psychiatrist as attractive. And then I decided to watch Goodfellas. And then I saw this scene:

And then I rewatched that one sopranos episode. You know, where Tony has that one dream. You know exactly which episode I am talking about.

8. Leslie Bibb aka Carly/Ricky Bobby/Cal Naughton’s trophy wife in Talledega Nights

9. Elastigirl from Incredibles aka the bustiest animated character of all time

Dear Disney,

Chill.

I guess if you had the same powers as Elastigirl and could morph your body to look anyway you I guess if you had the same powers as Elastigirl and could morph your body in any way you wanted, you might as give yourself one that’s, dare I say, Incredible? I mean, she looks like what Kim K’s plastic surgeon was trying to make Kim look like.

I guarantee Mister Fantastic of the Fantastic 4 uses his stretch-power to give himself a 3rd leg around the Invisible Woman.

10. Sharon Stone aka Ginger from Casino

Of course, you knew Sharon stone was a beautiful woman. Saying she is from “Casino” was sort of an excuse to get her into this list as it’s a popular movie where her character has a kid, though she ties the kid up and/or kidnaps her a few times. But Sharon Stone real claim to fame and real portrayal of pure hotness is in Basic Instinct:

11. Connie Nielson aka Princess Lucilla from Gladiator

The Princess in Gladiator is nothing short of a certified dime. I have always wondered why princesses aren’t sometimes ugly in movies because frankly not every single princess ever was hot…it’s just not possible. But in this case, I guess she had to be an attractive woman in this, considering her own brother tries to bang her multiple times. Commodus, the people from those online videos aren’t actually brother and sister you weirdo.

12. Lea Thompson aka Lorraine McFly/Marty McFly’s mom in Back to the Future

Everyone has experienced the awkward moment when you travel back in time and your mom accidentally gets a crush on you so you have to make inappropriate advances on your own mother so that your future father can save her so they’ll meet and inevitably conceive you, but the school bully– Biff– comes and locks you in a trunk and tries to force himself on your mom but your Dad saves her so they go dance together and kiss and you are so happy that you decide to perform on stage and invent rock and roll.

13. Nicole Ari Parker aka wife of Coach Herman Boone from Remember the Titans

I watched Remember the Titans a few days ago. It quickly became apparent that I hadn’t seen it in quite a long time. It must have been before puberty–at the least because I for sure would have remembered the woman who played Denzel’s better half being this banging. Hot damn.

14. Heather Graham aka the Stripper that Stue marries in the Hangover

I’ll never forget this convo that Heather Graham’s character (Felicity Shagwell) and Austin Powers have in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me:

Felicity Shagwell: Austin Powers, I presume.
Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.
Austin: Oh, be-have.
Felicity Shagwell: Not if I can help it.

I ams sure you will think that I missed a few. However, I did not as per criteria #4 requiring that I have to have thought of them off of the top of my head thus being a total cop out for researching every motherly character ever.

Roast me

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