Health and Lifestyle, Technology

Did I just muscle Verizon Wireless into Accepting my Donation for California Wildfire Disaster Relief?

American Red Cross has teamed up with like every Wireless Cell-phone provider and making it insanely easy to contribute to the California Wildfire Relief Fund. Text “CA Wildfires” to 909-99 to make a $10 dollar donation (which will appear on your wireless bill). It may hard for some of us to envision what Californians are going through right now since it’s likely that most of us haven’t seen any type of major fire. Most likely, the biggest fire you’ve seen is a bonfire for a Pep Rally or some burning man, music festival shit.

The Wake Forest Homecoming bonfire on Davis Field, Friday, September 29, 2006.
Wake Forest Bonfire after Pep Rally during parents weekend.

In any case, it’s super easy to donate now. Before Red Cross went digital, the only way could help was by mailing in a donation. And you know the only type of mailing millennial’s and Gen Z’ers know how to do is e-mail. Not gonna lie, in the extremely rare instances that I have to mail anything, I have to:

A. Google how to Write down then Delivery and Return Addresses
B. Buy Envelopes and Stamps
C. Google The proper envelopes and stamps for my mail
D. Go to the Post office because I don’t really know if I am supposed to put it in my mail box or those blue mailbox bins you see on the corners of the street or under my door or wait for the mailman or a P.O. box (wtf is a P.O. box?)…ugh, I’d rather just go to the office and hand it to the guy behind the counter who just takes it and sends it for me.
E. I need to beg the man or woman behind the counter to help me and pretty much do all this shit with/ for me.
F. If they can’t help me (AKA do it for me…out of the goodness of their heart), I go to the UPS walk-in store and pay extra for them to do it. Ugh, can’t I just email whatever the hell I need to send? A virtual candy basket it just as good as a real candy basket…it’s the thought that counts.

Anyway, I tried to donate. I get a message from the Verizon automated response system that says they can’t accept my donation because of some SMS block on my account. Because I am such a giving person (but I am more of one of those people who are charitable for selfish purposes like so they can brag about how charitable they are and get all the glory), I was pissed. I lashed out and responded to Verizon.

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And Then, Verizon texted back………

…………with a confirmation of my donation.

“Fuck that noise.” That is the phrase that changed everything in my life. That is the phrase that will go down in infamy when I stared the brutish- tech Goliath down and made it shame their actions. When a grizzly bear is present and has you in its sight, you do not run.m helping these Californians. My drive to be charitable and help people is You slap on your bravery and stand up and get as big as you can and you deter the beast.

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That’s right. I geared up and I jarred Verizon’s automated response system loose. “Fuck that noise.” A simple phrase that said so much more. It said, “There is nothing you can do to stop me from unlike any giving person you have seen before. Not even the religious missionaries that devote their lives to helping the people of 3rd world countries. Not even the members of the peace corps that devote years of their life to living in squalor for the benefit of others. Not even Ghandi himself. My drive to give comes from a stronger place than any other: my ego. There is no sweeter joy than telling someone of all the charity you do, and seeing “the look” on their face. The look that says, this guy is a better person than I am. It is necessary I must help. I implore you to open then gateway to my donations.”

And like that, it was accepted. I helped. I did my part. Did you?

I am terribly sorry that something has bad as this is happening to the people of California. I mean, they’re literally getting their Earth scorched. Scorched Earth is military strategy where one warring party burns all land and resources and everything of their opponent’s. And it does so much damage that The United Nations Collectively decided to make the scorched earth military strategy as an international war crime at the Geneva Convention of 1977. And there’s no need to say thank you, I was just doing the right thing.

You’re welcome, my sweet Cali.

 

**Editor’s Note: I’d like to personally redact my take in an earlier blog of which I discussed how non-existent fires are today, in addition to how useless paid firefighters are. Obviously I was wrong. Obviously.

Entertainment, TV

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon Hosted a Surprise military homecoming for Active Duty Husband and Wife

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The manliest of men struggle to hold back tears whenever service men and women surprise their loved ones by unexpectedly gracing their family or dog or kids with their return.

The Tonight Show reunited a husband and wife–both of which serve(d) for the armed forces. And they it so perfectly…honestly, the audience did not see this surprise coming at all. I was stunned watching it on the television.

Many of the audience members at the show we’re vets or active duty men and women int eh service. As a way to say thank you, Jimmy was going to randomly pick an audience member (each seat had a piece of paper with a number on it. Fallon randomly picked out a number, and brought up the audience member to play him in The Whisper Challenge–a game/segment that Fallon often plays with his celebrity guests.

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The goal of the game is to basically try and read one another’s lips. Either Jimmy or his guest puts on noise canceling headphones so that they cannot hear the phrase their opponent reads the phrase off of a note-card.

So the random audience members comes up in front of the crowd and the two play a couple rounds, until Jimmy Fallon picks up his 3rd card to read his next phrase. Behind the audience member, a man in uniform sneaks up and stands behind her. Jimmy Fallon reads the phrase, ‘Your husband is behind you.” The audience member didn’t know what the f**k Jimmy was saying, so at the risk of the husband awkwardly standing their for too long, he simply turned the card around so she could read it herself.

Melt your heart for yourself:

Entertainment, General Humor, Social

Vegas TV Reporter Arrested for Public Masturbation–Claimed That He Was scratching a Crotch-Rash that was “Itching Terribly.” Either Way it’s Gross.

Randy Howe is a Las Vegas Sports reporter for Channel 3 out there. Howe is a forgettable reporter, but a memorable masturbation. On November 6th, Howe was arrested and charged for gross lewdness and indecent exposure.

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My brother once asked my Dad if he accompany him on a trip to Las Vegas. My Dad was not sure as he had his concerns. Dad responded with, “I don’t know bud…I think it’s for the best if you’re not exposed to the indecency of Las Vegas.” I doubt that Dad was talking about the type of indecent exposure that Howe’s involved in. Maybe he did mean it in that way… what the hell is going on in Vegas? Why? Howe?

 

 

I finally understand why people say ,”What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” It’s because they don’t want people like Handy-randy anywhere near them. Literally, what the hell is wrong with Handy-Randy? Howe the hell are there people in this world that are so weird that they decide to take a trip to the bar at 9:15 A.M. only to sit at a slot machine and rub the one eyed snake. People rub tings for good luck, right? Maybe he was trying to get a little luck out to hit the jackpot on the slot machine. But something tells me that Howe wasn’t expecting luck to be what comes out of the one-eyed snake.

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Tell me if you believe his excuse:

Howe denies that he was flogging the dolphin, claiming that he was merely, “itching terribly.”

 Howe insisted he was not masturbating, saying he had a severe rash and was scratching himself, the report said. He said he “probably shouldn’t have been scratching himself at the bar and that it was a bad decision,” according to the report.-The Las Vegas Review

Uh, Okay…………………………………………………………………………

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Even if that we’re true…what the fuck is going on in your crotch area that is so itchy that you can’t stop scratching in a very public place.

 

But Howe was lying. Because he is perverse. The police have enough handy-dandy evidence to arrest Handy-Randy that proves the sportscaster’s cock-itchiness claim is a straight up lie:

A worker told responding officers they noticed the patron display “strange behavior,” which included walking to the bathroom with his penis outside his pants, police said. Surveillance video reviewed by police showed the patron unzip his pants and fondle himself, according to the report. —The Las Vegas Review

Howe are you going to lie your way out of this one, Howe? Your dick was so itchy that you’re fingers just weren’t doing the trick so you pulled your dong out of your zipper so you could scratch your scrotum against the metal ridges of the zipper but you accidentally cut it so you had to go to the bathroom to clean up the blood, and unfortunately couldn’t move your wang from the clutches of your zipper as you’d be risking  complete destruction?

One cannot help but wonder what is so sexually arousing for Howe to spank the monkey in a public bar at 9 AM. The atypical male-masturbation throws on some beautifully nasty stuff from one of the major porn sites. Or, if you’re into the vintage, retro style of porn pics, you might whip open a playboy center-fold to wrinkle as you clutch the page while achieving ecstasy.

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But Howe doesn’t do that…what turns him on his being at a bar early in the morning and just doing it while cranking down on his lever–in addition to the slot machines lever. Honestly…what can the crowd possibly look like at a bar in North Vegas at 9:15 A.M. I can’t imagine there being too many attractive women there. As my thirst for knowledge ceases to be quenched, I sought out information from my Father, who is one of two people I know personally that have been to Las Vegas:

Me: Dad….the crowd at a bar in North Vegas at 9:00 AM must be gross and ugly, right?

Dad: You’d be surprised.

Me: Oh yeah? How do you know?

Dad: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, son. 

I hope that phrase is true because I don’t want him touching himself or anything close to me. I decree a personal restraining order that requires Handy Randy Howe to never come closer than 2,625 miles from me (that’s the exact distance from my house to Vegas. Ha.) Sick people in this world man. I bet Howe doesn’t vaccinate his kids. Let’s not open that can of worms right now.

Entertainment, TV

Should you Watch Netflix’s “The Haunting of Hill House?” This 1 Question Quiz Can Tell if You’ll Love it or Hate It

 Do you like horror movies with loud jump scares? (Click on the appropriate response)

 (PS: the links are totally not to some sort of horrifying Jump-Scare. If I am lying, I cross my heart and hope to die. I absolutely promise that these links will bring you to a page that simply provides an explanation as to why your response explains everything one would ever need to tell whether or not The Haunting of Hill House makes a good fit for you.)

 Do you like horror movies with loud jump scares? (Click on the appropriate response.)

(Also I rewrote the question in case you forgot. And I am about to do it again because I am neurotic and think that for some reason, you have forgotten the question by the end of the sentence. But I know that isn’t true because you decided to read a KillerTakes article…you’ve already made a brilliant choice. PPS I am about to do it yet again so it looks better on the page.)

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Do you like horror movies with loud jump scares? (Click on the appropriate response.)

 

A. Yes

Yes, you like jumpscares.

 

B. No.

No, you don’t like a good “BOO!”

 

C. They’re alright–as long as they’re not overdone.

You like them in small doses, as long as the plot doesn’t rely on them.

 

D. Dont luv them– I’m more into creepy, tense horror. 

You like the scary movie that gradually increases tension.

 

E. None of the Above

You aren’t a fan of horror movies at all. Or you are more into the scary movies that deal with types of species that attack humans. You know, kinda like Aliens, Zombies, Ghouls, that kind of whole shebang. Whatever you are into is okay! Be you! You’re just a little weird in my eyes if you prefer these movies over a work of cinematic perfection like Hereditary. 

YOUR ANSWER CHOICE:

D: Not a Jump-Scare Lover:

Should you watch?

 

YOU MIGHT LIKE IT, BUT I WOULDN’T RECOMMEND IT.

I wouldn’t really say this show is for you. I mean, you might like the story-line and drama between characters, but pretty much every really scary scene doesn’t deal with any American Horror Story type stuff or not even like that Silence of The Lambs type horror, but it really reminds me of the conjuring–a family dealing with some crazy shit happening in their old, and dark ass house. Combine that with the cray mother from Hereditary and you’ve got 10 hour long episodes that will make you redecorate your living room every episode you watch. Honestly, I started to watch the show in the bathroom in case my lunch-shrimp that we’re swimming in my stomach decided to hit their emergency “EJECT” BUTTON.

YOUR ANSWER CHOICE:

C: JUMP-SCARES ARE OKAY:

 

Should you watch?

THIS SHOW WAS MADE FOR THIS TYPE OF HORROR WATCHER.

Oh this for sure….this is your show. If you like a nice slow burn that builds up intensity to get the heart pumping and finally give you that scare you’re looking for, this is all you. Also, I learned the term “slow-burn” by reading someone else’s review, and learned that it means that it takes a while to really get into it. I don’t know WTF that guy was smoking because I was scared shit-less in the first few scenes. And I don’t mean that figuratively. I literally mean that my bowels emptied out and there was a massive accident in my living room and my parents had to get rid of our couch and replace it with a new one from Habitat for Humanity.

YOUR ANSWER CHOICE:

A. Yes: WHY HAVEN’T YOU STARTED YET?

Watch it. You and this show will get along like peas and carrots. For people that love watching Horrifying things, it’s hard to believe that any type of cable series could pull it off–especially because American Horror Story was and is a complete atrocity, There really isn’t anything that is teeth-chattering scary while actually having a decent plot line. It’s like the Conjuring, Insidious, Hereditary, and The Endless all got together and came into a surrogate mother and pooped out a terrifying Netflix Series.

opinion, Social, You’re being lied

Here are a Bunch of Tweets from an Account I hate and By the End of This, I Hope You Share my Feelings

Why this account and UberFacts are garbage:

It tweets the same facts over and over, meaning it is both too lazy to go on Wikipedia, or it thought that a certain tweet did not do as well as they thought it would.

It tweets the same facts as @Uberfacts (not that I like UberFacts, the two copy from headteacher and each share my hatred).

The facts are all wrong, askew, misinterpreted, or are massively broad,  over-exaggerations (For example, it will tweet ‘the most important factor” necessary to be happy. And two days later, it will tweet how something else is the most important thing for happiness). They don’t do shit to be correct, just want more traffic.

They is ignant. My captions are even more ignant.

 

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I know the answer to this one! It’s because the people who invented Tennis, aka Europeans, can’t count.

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I don’t think that’s “thy kingdom come” is supposed to mean in the Our-Father but to each their own.

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Me: Do you think I am dumb?

Man in Mirror: Nah Man! You are more smarter than I am!

Me: I am confused.

Man in Mirror: In summation, you are both crazy and dumb.

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Oh get off your fucking high horses, quiet people. There is nothing I can’t stand more than people who are quiet that think they’re better than everyone else, and are silently judging people and snivel to themselves because they think that they’re so clever. ,Lets be real, you are afraid of speaking, and afraid of what others will think of you.

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Sober Persians: Sparta is pretty. We should consider going after it.

Drunk Persians (with drunk goggles on): Damn! Sparta looking like a damn snack! All up in their Trojan get ups and shit. 300 looking more like a porno than an underdog war story. I am tryna get see how greasy that small section of Greec can get!

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This was probably found out by someone who was really bored.

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PETA is getting god damn ridiculous.

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That’s like Toyota switching from manufacturing cars to boats…Uh, don’t know what I picked Toyota…lets go with Chevy. Yeah, that’s like Chevy switching to boats.

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Alicia clearly has never explore any popular gay porn sites. Um, not that I have either…

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And now we know why the of Lord of the Rings fanbase is 85% comprised of 30+ year-old virgins.

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No shit sherlock. “If you sleep, you will be more rested than you we’re before.” No shit. Tell me something more obvious…is murder illegal? Is the sky blue? Is the NCAA full of corrupt pigs? Was that an opinion?

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So that means somewhere in its Database, Facebook has noted that I was watching Czechoslovakian women shooting ping pong balls out of each of their holes (their goal was to try and shoot one ball out the ass, and one out the V but at the same time and into a bucket…they didnt do it. But it was really fascinating).

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some lucky lady is probably out there with a shrine dedicated to me, writing down Mrs. McNamara over and over again in a notebook, fantasizing about me, her prince charming. I wonder who it is… I wonder if I’d be disappointed.

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I wonder what it’d feel like to be burning alive while giving birth….maybe Casey Anthony will tell me when I see her burning in hell.

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So who the hell is using the 36 grand it cost me to learn things I could have just read on Wikipedia?

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Oh yeah? My parents are divorced…don’t see how that really applies here dickhead.

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Yeah it might be your brain trying to figure it out, but it can’t be healthy to be thinking about your job 24/7. If you’re dreaming about spreadsheets every-night, you might as well blow your brains out.

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You can’t even sleep correctly.

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You know what will be really hilarious is when people askew this statistic because they find out they die for another reason, and then get super depressed, which then speeds up their death date.

 

Pls like share and follow and if you don’t, I swear to God, every piece of paper in this town will have the F-word on it. The f-word. You have one day.

Advertising, Entertainment, TV

How NBC’s Hit Sitcom “The Office” Brilliantly Advertised Products That We’re Hidden in Broad Daylight

Product placement is a tricky thing for shows to pull off. You really need to work it into your show in a way that flows well. You don’t want it to be so obvious that your audience can blatantly tell that something is product placement, but you don’t want it so camouflaged that no one notices it. There’s nothing ore annoying than when a show is so obvious with its product placement, kind of like in the Truman Show:

The office could have written a manual on the proper way to place a product.

SecondLife:  Remember that episode where Dwight creates an online avatar for the virtual world, SecondLife? Apparently, Second Life is a real, online virtual world. Technically, LindenLab’s, the creator of the game, refuses to call it a game. Unlike most multi-player online games, there is absolutely no set objective or task. It is just a virtual world to live in. Ironically, the episode that features SecondLife is called “Local Ad.” The product placement in this episode was rated 8th in the top 10 most effectively placed products in 2007. Dwight really conveys the message of what the product is: “It is not a game, it is a multi-user virtual environment.”

To make the product placement even better, Jim doubts the game in the beginning, and converts to an enjoying-user by the end, playing up just how fun it is. While Secondlife at its peak had a record 36 million created accounts (2013), SecondLife still reports 600,000 regular users to this day. That’s higher than I’d ever imagine to be honest. I don’t know a single soul that uses SecondLife.

Call of Duty: Are you annoyed as I am about not realizing that the famous video game was some product placement? When Jim moves to the Stamford branch, he joins a sales team that plays Call of Duty to try and team build.

Jim plays like an absolute fucking noob, but everyone is from Stamford is solid and they all love it. I am annoyed that I didn’t realize that this was advertising because it’s now so fucking obvious. The entire episode is pretty much about them playing CoD.

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Although, the story apparently fucked up because Jimmy Halpert was supposed to have never played Call of Duty before. Shout out to a random reddit user for finding this:

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Staples: Okay this one I don’t blame you or me or anyone for not catching this one considering they always bash Staples. But in reality they don’t bash Staples at all. In fact, when they have bad things to say about Staples is that they don’t like staples because they’re costs are so low that Dunder Mifflin cannot compete. So basically it’s one big ad. Everytime Dunder Mifflin tries to say that they have better customer service than Staples or Office Max, they refer to them as “The Big Guys” or “The Major Corporations.”

Remember the episode where Kevin uses his new, powerful shredder to see everything it could shred? Yeah, that was one big clever advertisement for Staples. The shredder is a Staples brand. Now you understand why Kevin went and shredded a ton of stuff, because the show was advertising how powerful the shredder is. The shredder even shreds a CD-Rom.

Cisco Phones: every single phone in the show is from the Cisco brand. Every office I have ever worked in has used Cisco-brand phones, so something must’ve worked somewhere. Then again, I’ve only worked in a variety of different law firms, so maybe it’s just a lawyer thing. But there is no shot “lawyer-things” are real things, right? Could you get a more specific niche?

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HP: Most of the products used in The Office are HP products. Again, every office I’ve ever worked at has used HP computers, probably for cost-efficiency (imagine if a company had to buy hundreds of Mac’s for its computers…that would be insanely expensive. Apple should really look in to cutting costs for Mac products when buying them in bulk for businesses because I really feel like they’re missing out on a lot of business there–especially because the entire world is in universal agreement that Mac’s are better than HP’s).

Gateway Computers: I really don’t know what Gateway computers are but am Including it because it was on Wikipedia. Just acting on my journalistic integrity.

Hooters: Michael Scott’s favorite restaurant was a nifty piece of product placement that the producers finessed into the show. If you told me that this wasn’t product placement, I’d probably believe you because it just makes sense that Michael Scott’s favorite restaurant is Hooter’s. The fact that he thinks it’s so funny, and somehow an appropriate place for a work lunch is all you need to know about Michael Scott. There’s like four places that would work as his favorite restaurant for Comedic purposes. For example, you could see Chuck E. Cheese or Dave n’ Busters working (also, is anyone else just noticing their weirdly similar names). I could even see BubbaGump Shrimp being his favorite restaurant because he can’t stop doing Forrest Gump impersonations when he’s there.

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Sandals Resort: When you re-watch the Sandals episode(s), it’s blaringly obvious that the show was paid for advertising. But if you didn’t know it, you’d never be able to tell–despite the fact that Michael Scott impersonates someone using an Advertisement style voice:

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TripAdvisor: Another one that might’ve slipped under your nose, but yes, they too worked with the Office. As a joke, Jim and Pam go to stay at Dwight’s new bed and breakfast that offers a unique experiencing of staying at a beat farm. Throughout the episode, Dwight often mentions how important every TripAdvisor review is as it is the “lifeblood of the agritourism industry.”

For most of the episode, Dwight is very depressed about Angela leaving him. At the very end of the episode, Jim and Pam give Dwight a great review on Trip Advisor, which briefly makes him happier. Later in the episode, Dwight seems back to his old self. Kind of obvious now that there is meant to be an association between Happiness and TripAdvisor.

Olympic Wire and Equipment: Uh, duh…ever heard of it?

Yeah neither has anyone ever. Unless you worked in the warehouse of a company that manufactured a product that required a machine that made paper, hay, or cotton into bails. The warehouse of the Scranton office was filled with Olympic balers. I wonder how many people realized that the baler was part of the advertising.

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Things That We’re NOT Ads But Everyone Thought hey Were

The Ipod: Michael buys an Ipod for Ryan as his secret Santa gift, despite going over the $20 limit. Wikipedia says there is a full 4 minutes of screen-time showing the Ipod, but the entire episode revolves around every office-member fighting for the Ipod. Seems like an ad. Surprising that it isn’t.

Chili’s: Despite being famously involved with The Office, Chili’s did not pay The Office for any sort of advertising. the producers actually approached Chili’s about being allowed to use their restaurant and name in the show, and Chili’s agreed so long as they got final say about what went into an episode (to make sure nothing bad was said about them). One of the scenes in “The Dundies” episode, Chili’s rejected one of the scenes causing a last minute rewrite. It’s a good thing as well because that episode is perfect down to the damn credits.

It’s sort of brilliant that the producers used Chili’s and Apple in their episodes. It makes you think, “oh come on…this is obviously paid advertising that they chose to incorporate to make money.” But the fact that those companies did not end up advertising with the show sort of muddies the water…it makes whether or not something is an advertisement ambiguous–it gives the producers a lot of freedom to fit in a logo whenever they want.

Entertainment, Movies

Danny Leiner, Film Director of Multiple Cult Classic’s, is Dead at 57.

Danny Leiner was the movie director that truly captured the true essence of the classic stoner. Unfortunately, the answer is no to you stoners outta here. You were not too high to read that incorrectly. Leiner is truly dead. And not the kind of dead like, “oh I got so high last night I think I died.” We wish that was was what happened, but unfortunately, Leiner lost his battle with lung cancer on October 18th.

Danny Leiner directed the internationally famous movies Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and Dude Where’s my Car? Ironically, Lainer was the driving force behind both flicks, yet both movies barely had any driving involved in-them at all–since both movies could easily be solved if the two protagonists from each flick simply just had a car. Classic stoner problems. Nothing like having a massive issue that turns out to not be a massive issue when you sober up.

I can personally thank Danny Leiner for giving me a chronic fear of pooping in public. My young friends always tried to play this with each-other. It ruined me. I still, to this day, cannot poop in public–I especially cannot poop in front of friends. One time, I had an absolute emergency and couldn’t hold in a poop anymore, so I just had to use the stall at this bar.

A guy was pooping in the stall next to me, and when initially relaxed my sphincter enough so that I’d release all of my shit, I made this loud farting noise along with it. The guy pooping int he next stall over goes, “That’s it. Okay, let it out.” I didn’t respond, and when I finally pooped again, he said, “There you go. That’s the way.” Everything I worried about when I was a kid was then confirmed. I am now thankful to Leiner for my cleanly, neurotic pooping habits.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle was named to Rolling stone’s top 50 best comedy movies of all time, and Rolling Stone’s top 10 stoner movies of all time. Honestly, Rolling Stone really missed out on an opportune joke with the stoner list. They easily could have called it “Rolling Stoner’s top 10 movies of all time.” Or at least  make a joke about rolling a joint or blunt, or maybe even make it “A Blunt Rolling, Stoner’s list of top 10 comedy movies.” Just a shame.

Dude, Where’s my Car? did not have the review recognition that Harold and Kumar did, but after being aired by Comedy Central relatively often, the movie gained a cult-following. Anyone with a brain and has seen the movie knows that the plot is complete ass, but it’s admittedly funny. The plot is so out of this world (literally, it involves aliens) that you have to wonder if the main characters were high the entire time.

Can you imagine a world without Ashton Kutcher? Well, neither could Danny Leiner. Ashton Kutcher had gained fame from that 70’s show after word got around that he was a shitty male model (probably). Considering that 70’s show wasn’t knocking off anyone’s pants, Kutcher was less than moderately famous. Kutcher’s real recognition came from his first major film, Dude Where’s My Car? He gained serious recognition for playing his role so well.

Kutcher clearly attributes much of his success to Danny Leiner, and it seems as if Leiner whipped Kutcher into shape and taught him what it took to be successful in the business. You get the sense from this tweet that Ashton Kutcher was a cocky little shit back in the day:

He co-starred with Sean William Scott, who also got super famous from the movie. Sean William Scott is best known for his role as Steve Stiffler in the American Pie movies, but I’d argue that he gained more fame from Dude Where’s My Car? because you saw Scott in Dude Where’s my Car? and would be like, “wait, the guy not from that 70’s show looks familiar, where do I know him from?” And then you we’re like, “Oh Wait, that’s Stiffler!” And then they both went on to do a lot of movies.

Fun Fact: Sean William Scott won the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss. Who was the lucky lady that smacked lips with him? Trick question, you idiot. It was his co-star of American Pie 2, Jason Biggs.

To give you even more of a picture of Leiner’s legacy, Leiner also directed the Office, Arrested Development, and Freak and Geeks. So yeah, the world really lost a man that knew what worked in the comedy world. Though I have never been the biggest fan of Freeks and Geeks (I just think it’s an overrated TV show because its entire cast is made up of people that are insanely famous present-day so people look back at it fondly and think, “oh wow this show must be really good since all these people are in it”).

In any case, Leiner’s legacy as a comedic genius will not be forgotten. I mean, yeah it may temporarily be forgotten by people that get way too high and can’t even remember what their mother’s name is, but eventually it will come back to them.

This scene is funnier now that NPH has come out as a gay man. I wonder if Danny Leiner knew that. Also, last fun fact, is that That 70’s show came out in 1998, 28 years after 1970. 1990 was 28 years ago…if we came out with a present day That 70’s Show with the same time proportions, we’d have to name it, That 90’s Show. 

 

opinion, Sports

NFL’s Worst Team This Season is So Bad That They’d Do Better If They We’re Actively Trying To Lose

“Forget just losing at home, they’re losing 42-10,”–the big cuck Joe Buck.

As I write this, the Arizona Cardinals (1-5) are losing to the Denver Broncos (2-4) by a whopping 42-10. And if you didnt know this already, the Denver Broncos are sort of a monstrosity this season, which makes how badly the Cardinals lost make them look that much worse. Case Keenum, who has sucked for 15 years of his career barring his one good season last year, is back to the old Case Keenum.

Coming into this game, the Broncos have been the worst NFL team at defending the run. The Broncos gave up 593 rushing yards in the last two games. It was comparable to rushing against the Broncos defense on Madden, with the difficulty setting dialed to Rookie. For Good-dell Sake, the Broncos made the Jets look like a playoff caliber team after losing 34-16.

We’ve known that the Cardinals have been struggling, but many we’re expecting to see them bounce back just a little by utilizing their elite running back, David Johnson. Nope. The Arizona Atrocity only has 64 rushing yards in total, 14 of which came from a Josh Rosen scramble. David Johnson has 14 carries for 39 yards…a woeful 2.8 yards per carry. Rosen as thrown 3 interceptions, and fumbled twice. Every single turnover stemming from the Cardinals Cardinal-Player…Josh Rosen.

Seriously, it felt like every other drive ended with an INT or the ball was on the ground. The Broncos would just take the ball and suddenly be like a b-string offense; it seemed like every quarter there was a takeaway with the Broncos defense on a fast break to the end zone.

I honestly think this team is worse than the Browns were in their winless season last year. Think about how bad a team has to be to lose by 35 points to a notoriously bad team that is dealing with all sorts of inner strife and complications. Not only that, Von Miller made them look absolutely stupid. Every so often, an athlete emerges that can both talk the talk and walk the walk. They are the ones that boast about how badly they’ll beat someone. They look like a cocky asshole and a douchebag…until they beat the people as badly as they said they would.

Muhammad Ali fans loved him because he’d boast about how easy it’d be to win…and then he’d get in the ring and make beating his opponent look like a breeze. Conor Mcgregor earned the loyalty of millions of fans because he’d dominate his opponents in and out of the ring. Those that watch Mcgregor promotions and weigh ins can usually expect a verbal slaughtering to occur.

“He said why you talking shit?”

“Or What? You gonna do something over there? Shut yo fookin Mouth.”

I am not even the biggest Mcgregor fan. He’s the guy I pull for in UFC of course, but that’s because his story line is a lot of what keeps UFC relevant. People wouldn’t care nearly as much if the Notorious wasn’t stirring things up for the sport. Trash talking, and backing it up, can literally affect the entire sport:

I mean, not only did Mcgregor make Alvarez look bad, he made himself look like the Michael Jordan of his sport. I mean, with that win, McGregor was the first ever UFC fighter to hold two championship belts in two different weight classes. The fact that he changed weight classes to fight Alvarez and made beating Alvarez look easy reaffirmed his complete dominance over the sport.

That’s what happened here tonight. Von Miller of the Broncos has been the story around the NFL this week as he threw a little shade at their Arizonian opponents. To clarify, Specifically chose the word “shade” since Arizona is notoriously sunny, dry, and hot. At least my pen pal thinks I am funny. We always joke about how his handwriting reminds me of my Dad’s.

When Von Miller was asked if the game Arizona was a “must-win,” the Vonster from your nightmares replied that Denver was, “gonna kick (the Cardinals) ass.” And that is exactly what they did…especially on defense. Screenshot (66).png

Considering Von Miller is the captain of the defense, he really needed his boys to smack the Cardinals and fulfill his promise. Five forced turnovers in a 45-10 win? I wouldn’t classify that as kicking their ass, I’d classify that as swinging a Round-house at their butt holes.

Just like every good trash talker ever, the Cardinals looked abysmal, and the Broncos looked fierce. Before this week, everyone wrote off the Broncos with the expectation that another shitty year is coming their way. After bending over Arizona, Troy Aikman and Joe Buck had a conversation about them making the playoffs. Quite a turn around in reputation from another losing season to playoff bound.

But you have to ask yourself, are the Broncos really that good? Or are the Cardinals just that bad? I’d argue the Cardinals are that bad. They’re led by a cocky rookie that buckles under any type of pocket pressure and is clearly not ready to be a starting quarterback. Rose was once considered the clear top quarterback coming out of the draft–a quarterback good enough to publicly reject Cleveland from drafting him. Who’da thunk that he’d be playing the worst behind Baker Mayfield, Josh Allen, and Sam Darnold?

Oh yeah, I did.

Dating, Technology

Does Your Lover Go Snooping through Your Phone? Have Them Arrested for Violating A Federal Crime

The Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986 effectually makes any unauthorized use of a computer a criminal offense. The acts was basically implemented to protect the owner of the computer, originally designed to make sure that computer crimes would not go unpunished. The intent was to protect people’s business data (like financial records or clientele) and punish anyone that attempted to obtain classified information from the U.S. Government.Image result for hacker

You have the legal right to call the police on anyone that uses your computer. The next time your boy tries to set meatspin.com as your homepage, just call up the boys in blue to get them. Then they’ll be the one’s seeing meat-spin all of the time when they’re in prison. eqwef

If your girlfriend tries to find pictures in your email where you sent this girl a picture of your dick and you don’t know what it is with females but you’re not too good at that shit because you can have yourself a good girl and still be associated to them hood-rats but you just blame everything on her...do exactly that! Blame everything on her ! You may be the scumbag, but you’re not the one breaking any federal laws! Have her cuffed…didn’t she always want to try that in bed? (Source of Italics: Kanye West, “Runaway”).

The CFAA created more than 30 years go. Computers back then we’re entirely different machines than computers today. We wouldnt even know how to use them today…you’d have to imput a bunch of commands and you’d have no idea how to nor what they even are:

Old Computer For Work

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Compare these to the computer you keep in your pocket

Smartphones are protected under the CFAA as they’re considered computers. I mean, they basically are computers–and it makes sense that they’d be protected by the CFAA because most people have sensitive or personal data on their smartphones that are also are on their computers. Literal businesses are run on smartphones and tablets. You have to admit that Tablets should be considered computers because they’ll have someones entire lifework on them. And on that note, you really can’t consider a tablet and a smartphone separate things because an Ipad is just a bigger iPhone.

 

So next time your psycho jealous insecure boyfriend goes snooping through your phone to see who you’ve been texting or DM’ing, just know you can call the police. And you probably should call the police because it sounds like your boyfriend is the insanely jealous type that can pop off at any time…maybe the cops should be there when he goes through your phone. You may not have done anything wrong, but you never know how someone will interpret something harmless or find something about an ex that you forgot to delete…they say that if you go looking for something you don’t want to find, you will always see it. Ignorance is bliss.

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Trouble in Paradise

Also sharing Netflix passwords isn’t illegal, despite what you’ve heard. You can’t use a password someone shared with you to steal anything from them, but if they’re letting you use their Netflix, you’re fine. Everyone needs to chill the f**k out about password sharing. This law was made to stop hackers, not crack down on movie watching. Everyone has a wild misconception that computer hackers know all sorts of software and break down all sorts of firewalls, or like “hack into the mainframe.”

The reality is that Hackers just trick you into giving them personal information about yourself so they can answer security questions about you so they can prove to your bank, Venmo, etc., and then steal your shit once they are convincing enough. They don’t even always try and get information from you via computer: hackers do stuff like call you acting like a bank representative or pretending to be telemarketers selling a product you might be interested in.

Movies, TV

Netflix Needs To Learn From HBO, Getting Rid of Free Trial Option Won’t Fix Anything

1st of all, who in the hell is still signing up for a free trial for Netflix. Hasn’t everyone used up their allotted one month by now? If Netflix really wants to make more money, they’re going to have to figure out a way to only allow the people that paid for their subscriptions to access the streaming service. Their biggest problem is everyone sharing account information.

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Netflix has failed to meet their quarterly projections twice now. They’ve announced that they think it’s because the amount of full members is not an accurate because they include trial members when trying to figure out their projections. Netflix wants to scratch trial memberships, and put more of their money towards creating their own content, resulting in an increase in paying subscribers. Quite frankly, I don’t know if this is good or bad for us viewers (sorry, i don’t know shit about how it’ll affect investors).

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Netflix original content– so many mixed reviews by consumers. Personally, I think more money should be put into making higher quality shows, but my fear is the show will throw money at expanding the quantity of their shows. Netflix needs to take a page out of the HBO’s book rather than follow random TV station’s. Premium cable works because they really invest the time and money into making their shows so they know that what they’re producing is amazing quality. They don’t just pickup the newest sitcom starring C-list actors (qt best).   Seriously, just look at this list of shows…all are considered for Emmy’s every year:

  • Game of Thrones (aka Musical Chairs)
  • The Leftovers (aka the Day After Thanksgiving)
  • The Wire (aka the Chord)
  • Curb Your Enthusiasm (aka Relax)
  • Veep (aka Elaine Benes as Joe Biden)
  • Silicon Valley (aka comedy that old people are too outdated to understand)
  • True Detective (aka Honest Cop)
  • Sex and the City (aka Hump and the Metropolis)
  • True Blood (aka Verifiable Gang Los Angeles Street Gang)
  • Westworld (aka Everything West of Ohio)
  • Band of Brothers (aka Delti Chi Omega)
  • Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (English Bitches About the Week Every Sunday)
  • Entourage (aka Group of Men or Women)
  • East Bound and Down (aka Southeast)
  • Ballers (aka Cool Athletes)
  • Vice (Bad Stuff)

Don’t be the next TBS @Netflix…be Premium.

Wouldn’t mind if Netflix invested in porn either. Could go for some really dope story-lines.

Entertainment, General Humor, TV

Puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch Is Retiring After 50 Years–What Will Change?

Absolutely nothing will change…this time. Sesame Street has made a lot of changes over the past few years, all of which have contributed to Sesame Street’s demise. Ever since the Bert and Ernie writer claimed that the two we’re homosexual (and Sesame Street’s controversial vehement denial of such claims), sesame street has turned into the street. 

Carroll Spinney is retiring. We commend you on your contribution to this world–most of us watched Sesame Street at one point or another when we were children. You we’re like the K-mart version of Mr. Rogers to us. However, in his old age, Big Bird was already changing…it was probably time he needed an intervention:

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The puppet’s will be okay in the long run. The new puppeteer’s will learn the ropes.  As the world changes, so too does Sesame Street. And that is something we just will have to accept. Change is inevitable, and as far as changing the man behind big Bird and Oscar, at least you’re not dealing with something like the Veggie Monster fiasco. How emasculating–when you take a man’s cookies you take his livelihood. I hear Elmo bullies him and calls him the Vaggie Monster. Image result for sesame street funny

Oscar the Grouch was changing by the end too. His character became the very thing that goes in a trash can: trash.  Back in the day, Oscar was like one of those lovable grouches…the kind that acted rude to the world but had a heart that he chose not to show people so he could hurt others before he got hurt. 

Sad to see this photo. Oscar is more than a Grouch, he is basically a hermit. He never comes out of his trash can. A trip to the red carpet like this one never happens anymore for the…thing (whatever type of animal he is).

As he got older, grouchiness turned to active cynicism. We knew he hated people, but Oscar started conspiring to commit murder to Bert and Ernie because of his committed membership to the Westboro Baptist Church and their extreme prejudicial. Just because Oscar does not have any happiness left in his green-body doesn’t mean that Bert and Ernie don’t deserve to have any.

Even if it is Sesame street…a Sesame Bagel is the worst kind of bagel. Gotta be some sort of connection there. Take care of your children. The Count’s favorite numbers are: 666, 69, and 420….do you really want a perverse vampire teaching your kids?

Health and Lifestyle, Laughable News, Social

Chesapeake, Virginia threatens up to 6 months in Jail for Trick-or-Treaters Over the Age of 12

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The Chesapeake 13 year-olds must be little pieces of shit.

“If any person over the age of 12 years shall engage in the activity commonly known as “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine of not less than $25.00 nor more than $100.00 or by confinement in jail for not more than six months or both.”

It’s okay though. You can be a 13 year-old and trick-or-treat so long as you are chaperoning around your little siblings.

“A thirteen year old safely trick or treating with a younger sibling is not going to have any issues. That same child taking pumpkins from porches and smashing them in the street more likely will. Thank you for your help making it a fun night for everyone!” —cityofchesapeake.net

This ordinance is one of the most asinine things on earth. Stopping a child from vandalizing someone’s property is one thing–police intervention is expected. Are the cops not going to stop kids under the age of 12 from vandalizing property?

When I was in 8th grade, my hood-rat friends and I smashed some town pumpkins on mischief night. When the police stopped my friends and I for doing so, we we’re put in the back of the police car and simply brought home to our parents. sirisaac-newton-invented-calculus-before-his-26thbirthday-woah-we-have-22637843.png

The police had us promise never to do it again–but they didn’t even knock on our doors to tell our parents so we wouldn’t get in trouble.

I was scared as all hell. But you mean to tell me that if my little brother (13), who still has braces, didn’t even vandalize pumpkins, but simply went out tick-or-treating with his buddies–could possibly be handcuffed and sentenced to 6 months in prison? For doing absolutely nothing wrong? That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

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When my brother is home alone, I get worried because he is an idiot (most of the time) and I just fear for his safety. I know it’s a little irrational and my future eldest child is screwed, but it’s the truth. This law literally encourages parents to willingly put their young children in situations where they are not properly supervised.

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WAY TOO OLD. ARREST THEM

If a 20 year-old comes and knocks on your door to trick-or-treat–yeah that’s pretty weird as hell. That kid should probably be checked out by cops because whatever their intentions (besides some free candy), they cannot be good. But you can be for damn sure that if my little brother, who still looks like a baby to me (he’ll always be the baby of the family),

There is already petitions calling for this law to be revoked. Just absurd. Can you do citizens arrests? Would be pretty crazy to go on a witch hunt for some young teens.

Trick or treat,
Smell my feet. 
Give me something good to eat. 
If you don’t,
I don’t care,
I’ll just smash your fucking pumpkins and you’ll have to call the cops to get me to leave if you fucking don’t so it’s your call you little bitch.

Dating, Entertainment, Romance

There Are Enough Reasons to Believe that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s Relationship Might’ve Been For Publicity

Everyone loves reading about a couple that is moving way too fast. And the tabloids are going nuts over Bieber and Baldwin, and Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Oh, I don’t think that most people eat up the gossip for their love. I think they like to see how everyone knows how destructive making an impulsive choice like getting engaged after a month can be.

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Because Love makes you do some crazy things, but infatuation will make you do things that will get you checked into an Asylum. Just like everyone is waiting for either Justin Bieber or Haley Baldwin to file for an annulment, everyone was waiting for America’s favorite couple to crash and burn–Pistol Pete and Awesome Ariana (more like Pitiful Pete and Awful Ariana).

But, some have speculated–some being me and my sister–that it all might have been fake. I wouldn’t say I am a conspiracy theorist persay, but more I do believe that the government has secret artificial intelligence that’s living among us and gathering information on everyone.

The Timeline of events that Happened was Way too Coincidental:

Ariana Grande’s entire relationship was covered by the tabloids on a day to basis, literally from the moment of their relationships inception. Ariana split with Mac Miller in early May. Shortly after, Pete Davidson is approached by Scooter Braun–manager to both Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber–who tells him that Arana Granda is very interested in Davidson said he “couldn’t fucking believe it.” Yeah..neither can we.

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Davidson and Grande then hangout at an SNL afterparty–4 days after she announced her and Mac’s breakup on Instagram. And then 4 days after that Davidson announced on his Instagram that he and his girlfriend (Larry David’s daughter…gonna be a real career booster breaking her heart). And then 4 days after that the two announced their relationship together! The power of 4s! The tabloids went nuts for the story. It’s so juicy it seems…unreal.

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They begin doing late night interviews  professing their love like Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark (Peeta Davidson lol)–and everyone believes that their love is strong and true because Pete Davidson is that guy who is too high, shameless, and brutally open to lie.And Ariana Grande acts like a little girl that is too “innocent” to exaggerate their love.  You know who else had to exaggerate their relationship? Peeta and Katniss.

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The two have done about a bazillion things to keep them as the Prom King and Queen of the media. EX: Pete talking about how amazing their sex is, Ariana mentioning his large dong, and Pete telling the world that he’s stunned that Grande allows him to stay at her house considering she is so much richer than him. Endless comments we’re made on one another’s Instagram about their love The two got numerous tattoos for the the other, a few of them matching.

Fact: 100% of couples that get matching tattoos regret it. You never hear

Grande and Davidson are engaged less than a month of her announcement of her and Mac Miller’s breakup. Less. Than. A. Month. We knew Pete Davidson was impulsive, “because fuck it,” he always says–but damn…how high were you man?

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And after that, the media just came everywhere about their engagament. Pcitures of their wedding ring go viral, reports of Grande’s liked tweets are studied for as much information as possible.

On June 19th, one week after their engagement, Ariana drops her album, Sweetener, and it has wild success–it debuts at number 1 on the billboard charts.

At this point, the couple seems to be unavoidable for those with access  to the internet. The day after her album release, Pete and her get matching tattoos. Nothing like making permanent markings to your body as a gesture of your love for something that is inevitably going to destruct.

The Grande and Davidson coupley stuff takes a back burner at this time to Baldwin and Bieber as Baldwin and Bieber are engaged on July 7th, and married on the 13th.

Image result for justin bieber hailey baldwin

The media goes bananland. Girls everywhere are sad. One has to wonder if the common factor (Manager Scooter Braun) has anything to do with these attention-drawing quick marriages.

Just after that, Mac Miller passes away on September . Ariana apparently took it very hard as she always tried to help her ex with his sobriety. Despite the news just breaking, Ariana and Pete split up over a week ago because, “Ariana has been devastated and Pete couldn’t handle it. She realized she needs a grown-up who can support her and that’s not him.”

Ariana plans to go home to “be with her loved ones and work on her new album without a deadline.” She also said that she will be taking a break from the public life for a while.

The Theory:

I personally believe that Ariana Grande used the wild roller-coaster of absolutely awful decisions that was her relationship with Pete Davidson as a publicity stunt to garner attention towards her because she was dropping her album. Other than going on late night talk shows or doing random interviews or throwing up a “download my album next friday!”, musicians can’t really sell advertisements. So, if you think about it, one way to get some free advertising is just to get yourself in some E-news…because every time someone writes an article about an artist, they’ll mention at some point in the article about the album dropping they just will because it’s something relevant happening that person’s life.

What Confirms the Theory

1.  Scooter Braun is Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande’s manager. It makes sense that both couples that got engaged right away–garnering a ton of attention–would have the same manager.

Image result for scooter braun justin bieber manager

2. . Scooter Braun approached Davidson about the relationship. Doesn’t it seem odd for a manager to be controlling someone’s romantic life? You’re telling me that Ariana, or someone in her posse, didn’t know someone else famous that could get Pete’s number? Or Slid into his DM’s? I know he doesn’t like social media but hot damn, I am sure he’d have liked that.

3. After being approached by Braun, Davidson broke up with his girlfriend (Cazzie David) after two years of dating. Two years! Dropped just like that after one conversation…I know it’s Ariana Grande, but damn…kinda sounds like there was something else involved.

Image result for pete davidson and cazzie david

4. Ariana Grande went to Pete Davidson’s SNL show on Saturday and hungout afterward’s with Davidson and their friends. Fox reported that the couple actually broke up a week ago and it was just announced the other day. Yet, the couple was looking couply as ever at the SNL show after party.  Grande’s people have since said that she was there so none of their friends would think anything is wrong between them “as they didn’t want their breakup to get publicity.” Are you kidding? What a brutal excuse. Can’t Davidson just tell their friends that she is feeling under the weather? And I really don;t know any boyfriend that can stand being in the same room with their ex-girlfriend that literally just dumped them. Wouldn’t the perfect excuse to throw people off of the trail that they want publicity to say that they were actually trying to shield publicity? It’s all very coincidental.

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5.  Haley Baldwin commented this on Scooter Braun’s instagram picture he posted of him and his wife:

This is just BEFORE Bieber and Baldwin got together. So we know Braun brought them together. The man might be a publicity genius.

6.  Just after the Ariana Grande and Davidson split, reports today have come out that a source has said that Justin still is not over Selena Gomez–causing problems between him and Haley. The timing is wild.

 

 

7. Scottie Braun aspires to be, “a major media mogul.” And Scooter is known for his “aggressive online cross-promotion between clients.” So their manager’s forte is promoting his client’s by having them interact? Interesting.

8. Multiple times, Ariana Grande has been accused of moving too fast with Pete, especially after Baldwin and Bieber got engaged. And Multiple times, she has defended herself in anger. If you accuse someone of something that isnt true, their first reaction isnt to get angry and defend themselves. The normal reaction is deny the accusation with confusion about how they arrived at the accusation. Or they find the accusation almost comical because they find it absurd. People that get defensive because they know the accusation is true. Ariana fighting online with random twitter trolls about the legitimacy  of her and Pete’s love. Sounds like someone feels guilty.

9. Ariana Grande has told a fan on Twitter that the music she is making is “sick.”

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Entertainment, Men's Health, Music

Snoop Dogg has Erectile Dysfunction and is Wildly Insecure About It

ed snoop

Snoop Dogg is the spokesperson for ForHims–a company that sells personal wellness products for men. They call baldness and erectile dysfunction optional because of their products.

Here is Snoop doing a ForHims commercial advertising their remedy for Erectile Dysfunction.


THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT SNOOP DOGG HAS A CLAUSE IN HIS CONTRACT THAT SAYS HE ISN’T AFFECTED BY ED. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Are you serious? Can’t ForHims get someone to endorse that this product works? If Snoop Dogg really doesn’t get erectile dysfunction, then why the hell should I buy a product that he says works when he doesn’t even use it?

That’s like Dunkin’ Donuts coming out with a commercial where the spokesperson says,

“Hey, I am not a coffee drinker, but you should drink this coffee because it’s the best for your coffee needs! Again, I personally don’t use this product, so I really don’t know if it’s good or not to meet your coffee needs, but you should get it because it’s the best!”

If Snoop Dogg truly can endorse ForHims based on his personal experience with their ED vitamins, then he is literally so insecure about not being able to make his little snoop into a big Dogg that he actually did a commercial where he MADE A POINT to say that he doesn’t have boner probs in the bedroom.

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Snoop, if you’re worried about your image being tarnished or something, you don’t have to worry! You do a show with Martha Stewart. You host the horrendous game show “Jokers Wild.” Your rep in the public eye already low. You can’t raise your rep after that….kinda like something else of yours that can’t rise up.

(At least we know why Snoop wanted to endorse ForHims.)

Snoop, you’re a 46 year-old hundred-millionaire that smokes enough weed to singlehandedly keep California’s economy afloat. I think that whoever you are sleeping with has a reasonable expectation that your d-o-double pee pee might not work considering your last brain cell just got higher than a 747 from a 3-lb joint you just finished. Honestly, you shouldn’t be worried about your insecurities about your erectile dysfunction, you should worry about lung dysfunction.

I spent a lot of time bashing Snoop Dizzle, but I gotta say, he seems just so lovable, kinda soft and cuddly–Just like his faulty phallus!

If you have ED issues, don’t feel emasculated or embarrassed…those ideals come from early-mid 20th century ideals of masculinity…I mean, this outdated thinking comes from a time where the man at the forefront of WW2 and the Holocaust famously had micro-penis. Yes, Adolf Hitler, the sick gentrifier who’s beliefs we’re so backwards that he did something as horrible as the Holocaust, reinforced animalistic, uncivilized thought processes of what makes a man a man. So basically, if you feel embarrassed about your ED, you agree with Hitler’s beliefs. Denounce Nazi’s. Denounce scrotal scrutiny.

And if you do have ED, it’s not a big deal! Everyone gets whiskey dick from time-to-time. Many get dick diminishing side effects from medication. Even hormone enraged teens get a soft slug from nerves or jitters–or anyone that’s nervous for that matter! You don’t want to live a short life (and we’re not talking about life expectancy in terms of age, but life expectancy in terms of inches).

Talk it up so you can get it up!

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