Entertainment, General Humor, Social

Vegas TV Reporter Arrested for Public Masturbation–Claimed That He Was scratching a Crotch-Rash that was “Itching Terribly.” Either Way it’s Gross.

Randy Howe is a Las Vegas Sports reporter for Channel 3 out there. Howe is a forgettable reporter, but a memorable masturbation. On November 6th, Howe was arrested and charged for gross lewdness and indecent exposure.

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My brother once asked my Dad if he accompany him on a trip to Las Vegas. My Dad was not sure as he had his concerns. Dad responded with, “I don’t know bud…I think it’s for the best if you’re not exposed to the indecency of Las Vegas.” I doubt that Dad was talking about the type of indecent exposure that Howe’s involved in. Maybe he did mean it in that way… what the hell is going on in Vegas? Why? Howe?

 

 

I finally understand why people say ,”What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” It’s because they don’t want people like Handy-randy anywhere near them. Literally, what the hell is wrong with Handy-Randy? Howe the hell are there people in this world that are so weird that they decide to take a trip to the bar at 9:15 A.M. only to sit at a slot machine and rub the one eyed snake. People rub tings for good luck, right? Maybe he was trying to get a little luck out to hit the jackpot on the slot machine. But something tells me that Howe wasn’t expecting luck to be what comes out of the one-eyed snake.

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Tell me if you believe his excuse:

Howe denies that he was flogging the dolphin, claiming that he was merely, “itching terribly.”

 Howe insisted he was not masturbating, saying he had a severe rash and was scratching himself, the report said. He said he “probably shouldn’t have been scratching himself at the bar and that it was a bad decision,” according to the report.-The Las Vegas Review

Uh, Okay…………………………………………………………………………

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Even if that we’re true…what the fuck is going on in your crotch area that is so itchy that you can’t stop scratching in a very public place.

 

But Howe was lying. Because he is perverse. The police have enough handy-dandy evidence to arrest Handy-Randy that proves the sportscaster’s cock-itchiness claim is a straight up lie:

A worker told responding officers they noticed the patron display “strange behavior,” which included walking to the bathroom with his penis outside his pants, police said. Surveillance video reviewed by police showed the patron unzip his pants and fondle himself, according to the report. —The Las Vegas Review

Howe are you going to lie your way out of this one, Howe? Your dick was so itchy that you’re fingers just weren’t doing the trick so you pulled your dong out of your zipper so you could scratch your scrotum against the metal ridges of the zipper but you accidentally cut it so you had to go to the bathroom to clean up the blood, and unfortunately couldn’t move your wang from the clutches of your zipper as you’d be risking  complete destruction?

One cannot help but wonder what is so sexually arousing for Howe to spank the monkey in a public bar at 9 AM. The atypical male-masturbation throws on some beautifully nasty stuff from one of the major porn sites. Or, if you’re into the vintage, retro style of porn pics, you might whip open a playboy center-fold to wrinkle as you clutch the page while achieving ecstasy.

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But Howe doesn’t do that…what turns him on his being at a bar early in the morning and just doing it while cranking down on his lever–in addition to the slot machines lever. Honestly…what can the crowd possibly look like at a bar in North Vegas at 9:15 A.M. I can’t imagine there being too many attractive women there. As my thirst for knowledge ceases to be quenched, I sought out information from my Father, who is one of two people I know personally that have been to Las Vegas:

Me: Dad….the crowd at a bar in North Vegas at 9:00 AM must be gross and ugly, right?

Dad: You’d be surprised.

Me: Oh yeah? How do you know?

Dad: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, son. 

I hope that phrase is true because I don’t want him touching himself or anything close to me. I decree a personal restraining order that requires Handy Randy Howe to never come closer than 2,625 miles from me (that’s the exact distance from my house to Vegas. Ha.) Sick people in this world man. I bet Howe doesn’t vaccinate his kids. Let’s not open that can of worms right now.

Entertainment, General Humor, TV

Puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch Is Retiring After 50 Years–What Will Change?

Absolutely nothing will change…this time. Sesame Street has made a lot of changes over the past few years, all of which have contributed to Sesame Street’s demise. Ever since the Bert and Ernie writer claimed that the two we’re homosexual (and Sesame Street’s controversial vehement denial of such claims), sesame street has turned into the street. 

Carroll Spinney is retiring. We commend you on your contribution to this world–most of us watched Sesame Street at one point or another when we were children. You we’re like the K-mart version of Mr. Rogers to us. However, in his old age, Big Bird was already changing…it was probably time he needed an intervention:

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The puppet’s will be okay in the long run. The new puppeteer’s will learn the ropes.  As the world changes, so too does Sesame Street. And that is something we just will have to accept. Change is inevitable, and as far as changing the man behind big Bird and Oscar, at least you’re not dealing with something like the Veggie Monster fiasco. How emasculating–when you take a man’s cookies you take his livelihood. I hear Elmo bullies him and calls him the Vaggie Monster. Image result for sesame street funny

Oscar the Grouch was changing by the end too. His character became the very thing that goes in a trash can: trash.  Back in the day, Oscar was like one of those lovable grouches…the kind that acted rude to the world but had a heart that he chose not to show people so he could hurt others before he got hurt. 

Sad to see this photo. Oscar is more than a Grouch, he is basically a hermit. He never comes out of his trash can. A trip to the red carpet like this one never happens anymore for the…thing (whatever type of animal he is).

As he got older, grouchiness turned to active cynicism. We knew he hated people, but Oscar started conspiring to commit murder to Bert and Ernie because of his committed membership to the Westboro Baptist Church and their extreme prejudicial. Just because Oscar does not have any happiness left in his green-body doesn’t mean that Bert and Ernie don’t deserve to have any.

Even if it is Sesame street…a Sesame Bagel is the worst kind of bagel. Gotta be some sort of connection there. Take care of your children. The Count’s favorite numbers are: 666, 69, and 420….do you really want a perverse vampire teaching your kids?

General Humor, opinion, Social

Ever Wondered if Someone was Truly a ‘weirdo?’ Their Response to This Question will tell you Whether or Not they Are Cause for Concern

So I am pretty sure I just figured out a damn life hack formula. You know how there are some people who you just get along with…maybe they aren’t perfect, but after a conversation or two, you think, “he’s pretty normal…I could see myself being friends with that guy.” You think no more no less, just that he seems like an alright dude.
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Then there are the people that you have one conversation and instantly realize that there is no way you’d ever be friends with this guy, and that you’ll tolerate said person if you absolutely must, but that’s it. He gives you the skeeves and is comfortable staring at you in silence… yeah that guy is someone you are going to try and have minimal contact with.

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Then there is the guy who you really aren’t sure if you could see yourself being friends with them. You know, the guy who is a coworker who looks normal because he’s always wearing sports gear and never wears a bowtie. He’s similar age to you so everyone in the office sort of expects you to become best friends and eat every lunch together, but something about him makes the situation really awkward. He is on the quieter side and seems like he’s smarter than he is dumber, but his brain is probably has a 60-40% ratio of smart parts to dumb parts. He says things at times that can be really funny, other times he doesn’t respond, and other times you don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.

So is he normal enough to be friends in the real world, or just a little too off to be anything more than friendly coworkers? Here is what you do:

Next time he or she is giving an unpopular thought, opinion, talking about a strange theory they have, or even something small like an organizational preference that most would find to be abnormal behavior–respond to them with this simple question:

“You’re kind of a weird guy, huh Cole?”

And their response is crucial. I formulated this theory after I witnessed someone ask that very question to a coworker, and the response was enlightening. I have heard people pose that query in a playful and teasing manner, and have never heard the response like today.

Normal– A normal guy will either laugh, or respond in a way where he or she steers into the skid, embracing their weirdness. They are comfortable being hypothetically weird as they know they are not, and aren’t self conscious about it. You’ll probably get a response like, “oh I am so weird…you don’t even know the half of it.”

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Weirdo– Like the coworker did today, the weirdo man will either  be taken back at the question, or immediately try and defend himself. Today, my coworker responded to that question with, “What? Look, I am a normal guy, but just because I have a few weird habits and like my desk a certain way, does that suddenly make me some freak?” Uh yes.

The weird guy minds being called weird because he knows deep down inside that he does some strange things, so he defends himself to change your mind. The normal person won’t care, and almost takes pride in his quirky hobbies. Stay on the look out folks. But ti was just bizarre. Who defends themselves like that? We are all weird, it’s actually more abnormal for you to be completely normal. Clearly, the weirdo in this situation is self conscious about other people finding out of his abnormalities and thinks about it often.

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It’s simple psychology backed by absolutely no evidence and zero wikipedia research.  even type it into the google search bar built into my mac. Just pure scientific, factual, educated-guess theory.

CONSPIRACY ALERT: A reader believes that I was actually the weirdo in this scenario and defended myself when a coworker posed that question. The reader clams that he or she believes that I was asked if I was a weirdo, and when I floundered under pressure, I thought to myself, ‘wow, that is a really good way of finding out if someone is a freak or not.’ I would like to dispel these rumors NOW as Fake News! It’s the deplorables at it again! Trump jokes aside, the conspiracy is not true, nor is the story at all. It’s entirely hypothetical, basically to explain that, if ask a weirdo if they are one, they’ll defend themselves. If they are not, they really won’t care about your rude and intrusive question. I am NOT A WEIRDO, SO PLEASE STOP SENDING ME THOSE LETTERS WHOEVER YOU ARE.

Drop the true weirdos for the people willing to claim they are weirdos, because they are not really weirdos #IntentionallyWeirdSentence.

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“Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.”
General Humor, Sports

Did Luis Perdomo Just become the Biggest Coward In All of Sports?

You don’t normally here “We got a runner on the mound.” Cant imagine how much of a little pre-teen he’ll feel like when he’s sitting on the bench watching the game he is suspended in….I suggest he just throw some booze in his mitt and call it a day. Though I am pretty sure this isn’t gonna work for Perdomo because “hard liquor makes him gag too much.” Twisted Teas and little pee pee’s: The rise and fall of Betas.

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After game of duck-duck goose, the benches cleared during the Rockies-Padres game yesterday. Padres pitcher Luis Perdomo threw a pitch behind Rockies Nolan Arenado, after some escalating tension in the series. Without hesitation, Arenado went after him, but Perdomo clearly had no intention of fighting.

Heres the live, unedited footage. We we’re even able to here what Arenado was yelling at him on the field:

 

 

If you are an athlete and shy away from a fight like Perdomo, you really should be playing a different position: either 6-feet under the ground after Arenado kills you, or you should be bent over biting the covers to cope with the pain. Because that’s what you basically did.

And then only reason the fight went on for a decent amount of time is because Arenado has loyal as shit teammates…dude got the hell out of the middle as fast as he could, circled at the end of the video. Don’t try and throw a shot if you can’t catch one, Perdomo.

8.3/10 on the initial juke though. I’d say he should’ve been a football player but he might accidentally get a bruise.

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

DeadSpin CEO Canned After Receiving a Colossal BarstoolSports Beatdown

If you’ve seen any recent news of the two satirical blogs, you know that Barstool CEO Erika Nardini did an interview as a favor for her close friend at Univision, Deadspin’s parent company.

Nardini has been making her rounds discussing the inclusive culture at Barstool. Many have criticized barstool for being mysogonistic, which is a pointlessly big word for ‘sexist towards women.’ Nardini defends Barstool in these talks, and if you take one look at any of the women at Barstool’s tweets, you’ll find something about how much they love Barstool.

 

So when the Megan Greenwell–DeadSpin Editor-in-Chief–wrote an article about Nardini big-timing them by showing that she clearly has a closer relationship with DeadSpin’s parent company than DeadSpin ever will.

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So you mean this woman, who obviously struggled to make all sorts of weird ass angles and faces to come up with this photo, attacked Barstool for actually treating women well, and when DeadSpin was proven wrong, tried to stir up some more stuff, saying Nardini’s interviews are “bullshit?”

Give me a break. Take one second to be authentic, stop taking swings at everyone when you know you’re wrong just so you can get some page views. You know why people from MTV’s reality show The Challenge don’t get asked to come back? Not because they don’t stir up fights, but because there are 30 contestants on the show, and it is so obvious when some no name newcomer  starts fighting with everyone just so they can get some camera-time. They aren’t authentic so no one likes them….you are that contestant: annoying, fighting, never going to win, and everyone hates you. Even the people that employ you.

We asked these guys how many beers it would take…this was their response. Comment what you think they’re saying, and you’ll win a prize.

 

 

Since then, the CEO of DeadSpin has been fired and reports have been made about DeadSpin going broke. I have to post this again:

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Dating, General Humor, Romance

Want to Win Over a Girl? Here is How.

Just google, “I don’t understand women” and you’ll get of plethora of memes from butt hurt guys that don’t understand their opposites.

I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them. - Sean Connery

Here is a guide to what women want in a guy… and we’re not talking about this shitty movie:

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(To be honest, it’s not actually a terrible movie. Mel Gibson develops the ability to read girl’s minds, so he starts picking up women left and right. And of course, he finds the right woman, makes her fall for him, she finds out, and gets angry. And shockingly, he wins her back.

 

I actually haven’t seen it since I was a very young kid and that totally might not be the plot, but I am just assuming.)

 

Every Girl Wants a Guy With:

1. A Dog

Pretty much every girl’s tinder bio says something along the lines of, “i’ll swipe right if I can play with your dog. Unfortunately, dog is not an innuendo. It;s a fact that all women love pups, and having a dog at least portrays the illusion that you’re a caring guy.

2. A General Knowledge of Famous Vines

You might want to find a thread of famous vines on Twitter, or watch a few compilation videos of best vines because every girl says that a guy who can quote vines can get to her heart.

3. A Weirdo that Really Isn’t a Weirdo

Like they want a guy who has interesting, uncommon hobbies…like a guy that loves cooking a big meal/ trying out a new recipe on a Friday night rather than going out clubbing. Maybe someone that is super in to tech, photo-shopping, or music. Things that really aren’t weird at all, but isn’t crazy common. No girl wants an actual weirdo, like someone who is in to eating their own boogers, or dissects bugs in their spare time.

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Yeah, okay, let me show you a real weirdo and you’ll loathe it.

And that’s it. Don’t be a dick. Don’t be too nice. Be on the funny side. Just go for it.

PS–It helps to have looks like Jake Gyllenhall (photo from Wikipedia)

Entertainment, General Humor, TV

You’ll Go F**king Bananas When You Find Out About Stewie’s Big Reveal on Family Guy’s latest Episode

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Family Guy’s latest episode (Season 16, Episode 2,) has certainly caused a stir among casual fans.

Whether you love or hate family guy, chances are that you’ve seen enough to know that one of the main characters of the family, Stewie, has an identifiable British accent that distinguishes him from his more unrefined relatives.

After 16 seasons, the accent has become unnoticeable–more than accepted, more than expected,it is almost a necessity. You’d think the character’s wouldn’t be able to surprise you after 16-years.

I’d define myself as a family guy fan, though I wait until a new season is over to binge watch it. So when I read the clickbait title’s that things like, “Stewie reveals huge secret to his therapist on the latest episode of Family Guy,” I pretty much expected it to be that Stewie is gay, which really isn’t a big reveal because we all know he is gay…he just hasn’t said it outright yet.

So you wanna know the secret?

STEWIE IS FAKING HIS BRITISH ACCENT.

His real voice sounds like every other character on the show. If you watch the clip, the show jokes about all the voices that Seth Macfarlane does.

Stewie reveals that his voice is something that makes him feel one of a kind, something that is almost like a coat of armor. When you hear his normal voice, you cringe and ache for the British voice back. We don’t like change, Seth.

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Study Reports New Warning Sign of Alzheimer’s: Why Millenials Are Fucked

The newest study on senile dementia aka Alzheimer’s found that there is a link between Alzheimer’s and excessive daytime sleepiness. Furthermore, people that have bad sleeping habits.

Awesome news for today’s average millennial college kid. The higher education system has fucked the present day college student is so, so many ways and it just continues to get worse, man. Let’s pretend we’re not constantly thinking:

“FUCK ME HOW AM I GOING TO PAY 200,000 DOLLARS OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE IN A YEAR AND I JUST GOT TURNED AWAY FROM WAWA,”

forget that we can’t  even get a job with our shitty history majors, don’t think about the fact that this screws over lower income families creating an even larger wage gap, don’t think about the civil and  social issues that said wage gap will cause, don’t think about the insane amount of mental health problems you didn’t have before you got here. Ignore that you’re acing exams but are actually failing a class because you aren’t SPEAKING UP ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION GRADE IN A LECTURE HALL.

No, now we can’t even age and die normally. We’re forced to sleep weird hours: study up late, wake up early, then take nap or series of naps. When could be waking up or falling asleep at any given moment. Depends on the person.

The sweet relief of death, the one thing we were looking forward to, the one thing we weren’t anxious about because we were certain it would happen, now is going to fucking plagued with loneliness from not recognizing loved ones, panick attacks, and generalized fear.

Sleeping during the day/ bad sleeping habits  causes your body to not get rid of your amyloid proteins properly. And that causes some folds or some shit, and basically ya bitch ass might have Alzheimer’s now.

Higher education demands more of its students than ever before. As the speed and advancement of tech happens, so too does college work. Professors assign papers and have them due two days later at obscure times. I have an assignment due everyday at midnight. Our parents never had to do that crap. Shit was due in class, or at the very least, in their professor’s mailboxes or so our parents were on a much more regulated schedule than us. Atleast they were seeing the god damn sun for more than two hours.

By the way, not being on a routine, not having good sleeping habits, and not being awake during the sunlight the humongous causes psychological issues. In case the shitty senile dementia we’ll all have isn’t enough.

I hope I get Alzheimer’s to forget how college was bacially a re-boot of the popular beastiality video Mr. Hand.

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As the horse out his  3ft long dick in Mr. hands, got what it needed, and dipped, so too did college dip their hands in our wallets, got what they needed, and left us and mr. hands irreversibly fucked.

 

General Humor, Men's Health

Grower vs. Show-er: why I wish I had a show-er and not my little penis.

DISCLAIMER:  If you thought that this was going to be safe or clean enough to read at work, than I hope you get caught. NSF nerds. Read the title again. 

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.05.38 PMMy dad used to always tell my brother and I that dick size didn’t matter in life, and that in the end, everyone ends up the same anyway. Which I only recently realized was sort of a “heads up. It’s not getting any bigger’

Now, I have absolutely no problem with the size of my dick. My life is no different than if it were bigger besides pleasuring a few women a little bit more, but all in all, it’s worked. 

However, I wish I had one of those really monstrous, massive dicks that are so big that it’s kind of okay to show them off.

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Say you’re at a big party and some guy decides to streak but he’s got a penis that looks like a little cheddar Cheeto poking out of a bristle pad,then I mean, there’s a reasonable chance that:

A) People will freak out, or

B) think he’s a pervert flasher.

I want to be so big that when I go streaking, you take one look and say “oh that makes sense,” or “that is correct.” My uncle was friend’s with a student on the Seton Hall basketball team that would get hammered and get naked at every party, but it was okay because the guy was mistook for a horse the rest of the night. 


I think I am giving you guys the wrong impression. My dick isn’t small…. it’s very small.  I have yet to show a girl my dick and get a facial reaction that was anything even remotely enthusiastic. 

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The real question here is she laughing because it is so small, or because it’s so big that the dick is just not going to fit in ANY of her average-sized nook, crannies, or crevices.

 

 

 

And my parents were religious and awkward– it’s still very unclear to this day if I ever got the sex talk, so I was really late to knowing all the lingo and having the full extent of knowledge. So my loving parents decided to save themselves from the awkwardness at the hands of my own suffering and awkwardness. 

Those close to me often ask, “How did you get all the way to college, through your all-boys high school, without knowing ‘the button’ was a synonymous term with clitoris. I knew it was something sexual. With the basis of knowledge I had, using an deductive reasoning approach, I guessed that it meant something else. And was very wrong. 

My dick is so small that for the first 19 years of my life, I actually thought that “the button” was my little cock. I must have heard someone say ‘the button’ in a sexual conversation and said to myself, “oh well that makes sense.”

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I remember watching a sitcom where one of the main female characters talking to the guy main character who she was dating at that point in the show, and she said something to the effect that he wasn’t good at finding ‘the button.’

 

And right then and there, I should have realized that a a normal person would have said to themselves “wait…this can’t be right” and looked it up to confirm or something.

But because I’m clearly evolutionarily inferior and have a little brain,  amongst other little things, I remember thinking to myself, “hmm, that’s odd that he’s having trouble finding his own button. Oh man…is this show about to take a wildly dark turn? Does he have a dissociative disorder or something?

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I actually believed that the hit sitcom, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, was about to give the main character a serious mental disorder before thinking to myself “hmm…maybe I am wrong.”

In my defense, I don’t think finding one’s own penis is all that out of the blue. All men have had trouble at one point or another trying to find our own dick every once in a while. A common scenario one might encounter where they have difficulty immediately locating their cock is when you’re doing spending time in the frigid cold and you’re all layered up and need to piss (i.e. skiing, or at a football game).

Another good example is when you’re getting frisky in public somewhere and you want to do a little somethin’-somethin’ so she tells you to pull out your penis through your underwear and jean pee-hole’s to let the groundhog see its shadow.

Screen Shot 2018-03-11 at 12.25.42 AMLadies, I have a few things I wanna say about this:

First of all, if i’m wearing anything other than boxers, it’s not happening. Like i said, my dick probably has a little bit more traveling room down there to explore than most of the guys you’ve been with. It could be anywhere in there. If I have skin-tight briefs on, then it takes some work and elbow grease to root around there looking for it.   Now, If I have on boxer’s, maybe it’s a different story. Maybe I can pat down the drafty areas, stretch em out and take a peek, or even get down into the taint area if I need to.

Secondly, Why do you even want me to pull it out already? All we’ve done is kiss for 15 seconds and mutually agreed that we’re gonna have fully clothed sex in a low-risk empty park. And I know she’s anxious and nervous about getting caught and I know that’s even part of the excitement, but my already shitty, stubby, little dick has like one remaining sperm cell that has any self-esteem or confidence left in the dick.

You really want me to pull out my soft chode out of my two pee holes, to the point where only the head is showing, so we can both just look at what now literally looks like a pink button? No one wants to see that.

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This picture I found online is beyond insanely weird, but it proves my point. Look at that gross little thing

 

By the way, in that scenario, the resemblance to a button would stun you. I mean yeah it looks a little fleshy but you could definitely pass it off as an in-fashion, embroidered or felt button. The urethra holes matchup with pant-buttons and all. You could honestly tell me these are pictures of all the of the same thing and I’d believe you.

This weird ass dude posts a lot of pictures of his little dick’s head peeking out his pee hole (s/o to the most random website ever, rodinkam.net), but he proves my point. That is not attractive. You probably scrolled by as fast as you could.

 

Anyway, yeah that is another situation where an enormous penis would come in handy.

I uh, I don’t mind my dick size at all.