Health and Lifestyle, Technology

Did I just muscle Verizon Wireless into Accepting my Donation for California Wildfire Disaster Relief?

American Red Cross has teamed up with like every Wireless Cell-phone provider and making it insanely easy to contribute to the California Wildfire Relief Fund. Text “CA Wildfires” to 909-99 to make a $10 dollar donation (which will appear on your wireless bill). It may hard for some of us to envision what Californians are going through right now since it’s likely that most of us haven’t seen any type of major fire. Most likely, the biggest fire you’ve seen is a bonfire for a Pep Rally or some burning man, music festival shit.

The Wake Forest Homecoming bonfire on Davis Field, Friday, September 29, 2006.
Wake Forest Bonfire after Pep Rally during parents weekend.

In any case, it’s super easy to donate now. Before Red Cross went digital, the only way could help was by mailing in a donation. And you know the only type of mailing millennial’s and Gen Z’ers know how to do is e-mail. Not gonna lie, in the extremely rare instances that I have to mail anything, I have to:

A. Google how to Write down then Delivery and Return Addresses
B. Buy Envelopes and Stamps
C. Google The proper envelopes and stamps for my mail
D. Go to the Post office because I don’t really know if I am supposed to put it in my mail box or those blue mailbox bins you see on the corners of the street or under my door or wait for the mailman or a P.O. box (wtf is a P.O. box?)…ugh, I’d rather just go to the office and hand it to the guy behind the counter who just takes it and sends it for me.
E. I need to beg the man or woman behind the counter to help me and pretty much do all this shit with/ for me.
F. If they can’t help me (AKA do it for me…out of the goodness of their heart), I go to the UPS walk-in store and pay extra for them to do it. Ugh, can’t I just email whatever the hell I need to send? A virtual candy basket it just as good as a real candy basket…it’s the thought that counts.

Anyway, I tried to donate. I get a message from the Verizon automated response system that says they can’t accept my donation because of some SMS block on my account. Because I am such a giving person (but I am more of one of those people who are charitable for selfish purposes like so they can brag about how charitable they are and get all the glory), I was pissed. I lashed out and responded to Verizon.

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And Then, Verizon texted back………

…………with a confirmation of my donation.

“Fuck that noise.” That is the phrase that changed everything in my life. That is the phrase that will go down in infamy when I stared the brutish- tech Goliath down and made it shame their actions. When a grizzly bear is present and has you in its sight, you do not run.m helping these Californians. My drive to be charitable and help people is You slap on your bravery and stand up and get as big as you can and you deter the beast.

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That’s right. I geared up and I jarred Verizon’s automated response system loose. “Fuck that noise.” A simple phrase that said so much more. It said, “There is nothing you can do to stop me from unlike any giving person you have seen before. Not even the religious missionaries that devote their lives to helping the people of 3rd world countries. Not even the members of the peace corps that devote years of their life to living in squalor for the benefit of others. Not even Ghandi himself. My drive to give comes from a stronger place than any other: my ego. There is no sweeter joy than telling someone of all the charity you do, and seeing “the look” on their face. The look that says, this guy is a better person than I am. It is necessary I must help. I implore you to open then gateway to my donations.”

And like that, it was accepted. I helped. I did my part. Did you?

I am terribly sorry that something has bad as this is happening to the people of California. I mean, they’re literally getting their Earth scorched. Scorched Earth is military strategy where one warring party burns all land and resources and everything of their opponent’s. And it does so much damage that The United Nations Collectively decided to make the scorched earth military strategy as an international war crime at the Geneva Convention of 1977. And there’s no need to say thank you, I was just doing the right thing.

You’re welcome, my sweet Cali.

 

**Editor’s Note: I’d like to personally redact my take in an earlier blog of which I discussed how non-existent fires are today, in addition to how useless paid firefighters are. Obviously I was wrong. Obviously.

Advertising, Entertainment, TV

How NBC’s Hit Sitcom “The Office” Brilliantly Advertised Products That We’re Hidden in Broad Daylight

Product placement is a tricky thing for shows to pull off. You really need to work it into your show in a way that flows well. You don’t want it to be so obvious that your audience can blatantly tell that something is product placement, but you don’t want it so camouflaged that no one notices it. There’s nothing ore annoying than when a show is so obvious with its product placement, kind of like in the Truman Show:

The office could have written a manual on the proper way to place a product.

SecondLife:  Remember that episode where Dwight creates an online avatar for the virtual world, SecondLife? Apparently, Second Life is a real, online virtual world. Technically, LindenLab’s, the creator of the game, refuses to call it a game. Unlike most multi-player online games, there is absolutely no set objective or task. It is just a virtual world to live in. Ironically, the episode that features SecondLife is called “Local Ad.” The product placement in this episode was rated 8th in the top 10 most effectively placed products in 2007. Dwight really conveys the message of what the product is: “It is not a game, it is a multi-user virtual environment.”

To make the product placement even better, Jim doubts the game in the beginning, and converts to an enjoying-user by the end, playing up just how fun it is. While Secondlife at its peak had a record 36 million created accounts (2013), SecondLife still reports 600,000 regular users to this day. That’s higher than I’d ever imagine to be honest. I don’t know a single soul that uses SecondLife.

Call of Duty: Are you annoyed as I am about not realizing that the famous video game was some product placement? When Jim moves to the Stamford branch, he joins a sales team that plays Call of Duty to try and team build.

Jim plays like an absolute fucking noob, but everyone is from Stamford is solid and they all love it. I am annoyed that I didn’t realize that this was advertising because it’s now so fucking obvious. The entire episode is pretty much about them playing CoD.

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Although, the story apparently fucked up because Jimmy Halpert was supposed to have never played Call of Duty before. Shout out to a random reddit user for finding this:

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Staples: Okay this one I don’t blame you or me or anyone for not catching this one considering they always bash Staples. But in reality they don’t bash Staples at all. In fact, when they have bad things to say about Staples is that they don’t like staples because they’re costs are so low that Dunder Mifflin cannot compete. So basically it’s one big ad. Everytime Dunder Mifflin tries to say that they have better customer service than Staples or Office Max, they refer to them as “The Big Guys” or “The Major Corporations.”

Remember the episode where Kevin uses his new, powerful shredder to see everything it could shred? Yeah, that was one big clever advertisement for Staples. The shredder is a Staples brand. Now you understand why Kevin went and shredded a ton of stuff, because the show was advertising how powerful the shredder is. The shredder even shreds a CD-Rom.

Cisco Phones: every single phone in the show is from the Cisco brand. Every office I have ever worked in has used Cisco-brand phones, so something must’ve worked somewhere. Then again, I’ve only worked in a variety of different law firms, so maybe it’s just a lawyer thing. But there is no shot “lawyer-things” are real things, right? Could you get a more specific niche?

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HP: Most of the products used in The Office are HP products. Again, every office I’ve ever worked at has used HP computers, probably for cost-efficiency (imagine if a company had to buy hundreds of Mac’s for its computers…that would be insanely expensive. Apple should really look in to cutting costs for Mac products when buying them in bulk for businesses because I really feel like they’re missing out on a lot of business there–especially because the entire world is in universal agreement that Mac’s are better than HP’s).

Gateway Computers: I really don’t know what Gateway computers are but am Including it because it was on Wikipedia. Just acting on my journalistic integrity.

Hooters: Michael Scott’s favorite restaurant was a nifty piece of product placement that the producers finessed into the show. If you told me that this wasn’t product placement, I’d probably believe you because it just makes sense that Michael Scott’s favorite restaurant is Hooter’s. The fact that he thinks it’s so funny, and somehow an appropriate place for a work lunch is all you need to know about Michael Scott. There’s like four places that would work as his favorite restaurant for Comedic purposes. For example, you could see Chuck E. Cheese or Dave n’ Busters working (also, is anyone else just noticing their weirdly similar names). I could even see BubbaGump Shrimp being his favorite restaurant because he can’t stop doing Forrest Gump impersonations when he’s there.

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Sandals Resort: When you re-watch the Sandals episode(s), it’s blaringly obvious that the show was paid for advertising. But if you didn’t know it, you’d never be able to tell–despite the fact that Michael Scott impersonates someone using an Advertisement style voice:

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TripAdvisor: Another one that might’ve slipped under your nose, but yes, they too worked with the Office. As a joke, Jim and Pam go to stay at Dwight’s new bed and breakfast that offers a unique experiencing of staying at a beat farm. Throughout the episode, Dwight often mentions how important every TripAdvisor review is as it is the “lifeblood of the agritourism industry.”

For most of the episode, Dwight is very depressed about Angela leaving him. At the very end of the episode, Jim and Pam give Dwight a great review on Trip Advisor, which briefly makes him happier. Later in the episode, Dwight seems back to his old self. Kind of obvious now that there is meant to be an association between Happiness and TripAdvisor.

Olympic Wire and Equipment: Uh, duh…ever heard of it?

Yeah neither has anyone ever. Unless you worked in the warehouse of a company that manufactured a product that required a machine that made paper, hay, or cotton into bails. The warehouse of the Scranton office was filled with Olympic balers. I wonder how many people realized that the baler was part of the advertising.

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Things That We’re NOT Ads But Everyone Thought hey Were

The Ipod: Michael buys an Ipod for Ryan as his secret Santa gift, despite going over the $20 limit. Wikipedia says there is a full 4 minutes of screen-time showing the Ipod, but the entire episode revolves around every office-member fighting for the Ipod. Seems like an ad. Surprising that it isn’t.

Chili’s: Despite being famously involved with The Office, Chili’s did not pay The Office for any sort of advertising. the producers actually approached Chili’s about being allowed to use their restaurant and name in the show, and Chili’s agreed so long as they got final say about what went into an episode (to make sure nothing bad was said about them). One of the scenes in “The Dundies” episode, Chili’s rejected one of the scenes causing a last minute rewrite. It’s a good thing as well because that episode is perfect down to the damn credits.

It’s sort of brilliant that the producers used Chili’s and Apple in their episodes. It makes you think, “oh come on…this is obviously paid advertising that they chose to incorporate to make money.” But the fact that those companies did not end up advertising with the show sort of muddies the water…it makes whether or not something is an advertisement ambiguous–it gives the producers a lot of freedom to fit in a logo whenever they want.

Health and Lifestyle, Laughable News, Social

Chesapeake, Virginia threatens up to 6 months in Jail for Trick-or-Treaters Over the Age of 12

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The Chesapeake 13 year-olds must be little pieces of shit.

“If any person over the age of 12 years shall engage in the activity commonly known as “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine of not less than $25.00 nor more than $100.00 or by confinement in jail for not more than six months or both.”

It’s okay though. You can be a 13 year-old and trick-or-treat so long as you are chaperoning around your little siblings.

“A thirteen year old safely trick or treating with a younger sibling is not going to have any issues. That same child taking pumpkins from porches and smashing them in the street more likely will. Thank you for your help making it a fun night for everyone!” —cityofchesapeake.net

This ordinance is one of the most asinine things on earth. Stopping a child from vandalizing someone’s property is one thing–police intervention is expected. Are the cops not going to stop kids under the age of 12 from vandalizing property?

When I was in 8th grade, my hood-rat friends and I smashed some town pumpkins on mischief night. When the police stopped my friends and I for doing so, we we’re put in the back of the police car and simply brought home to our parents. sirisaac-newton-invented-calculus-before-his-26thbirthday-woah-we-have-22637843.png

The police had us promise never to do it again–but they didn’t even knock on our doors to tell our parents so we wouldn’t get in trouble.

I was scared as all hell. But you mean to tell me that if my little brother (13), who still has braces, didn’t even vandalize pumpkins, but simply went out tick-or-treating with his buddies–could possibly be handcuffed and sentenced to 6 months in prison? For doing absolutely nothing wrong? That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

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When my brother is home alone, I get worried because he is an idiot (most of the time) and I just fear for his safety. I know it’s a little irrational and my future eldest child is screwed, but it’s the truth. This law literally encourages parents to willingly put their young children in situations where they are not properly supervised.

halloween-safety-for-trick-or-treaters-e1414679247737 (1)
WAY TOO OLD. ARREST THEM

If a 20 year-old comes and knocks on your door to trick-or-treat–yeah that’s pretty weird as hell. That kid should probably be checked out by cops because whatever their intentions (besides some free candy), they cannot be good. But you can be for damn sure that if my little brother, who still looks like a baby to me (he’ll always be the baby of the family),

There is already petitions calling for this law to be revoked. Just absurd. Can you do citizens arrests? Would be pretty crazy to go on a witch hunt for some young teens.

Trick or treat,
Smell my feet. 
Give me something good to eat. 
If you don’t,
I don’t care,
I’ll just smash your fucking pumpkins and you’ll have to call the cops to get me to leave if you fucking don’t so it’s your call you little bitch.

Health and Lifestyle

New Jersey Surfer Dies of “Brain-Eating Amoeba,” After Visiting Water-Park

Fabrizio Stabile died on September 21st from Nagae Fowleri–an infection that is incredibly rare, but incredibly deadly.

Stabile contracted the infection (no shot I’m spelling it out Nagae fowleri again…well, besides that last one) BSR Cable Park’s Surf Resort. The park isn’t sure when stabile was at the park, but they are sure that he was in the wave pool.

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Stabile was 29 years-old.

There have only been 147 cases in the United States between 1952 and 2017. Of those 147, only 4 lived to tell the tale–A mortality rate of 97.3%. This may not be your typical wave pool, but it is still a germ-filled waterpark nonetheless:

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All water-parks are cesspools–anyone that’s ever been to the Great Wolf Lodge will tell you that the joy of seeing your kid smile is NOT worth the month of feeling sick you’ll feel afterwards. It’s really unfortunate that stabile contracted this brain eating infection, but is anyone really surprised that he contracted this disease in a wave pool? You have a better chance coming out healthy after making the Andy Dufruesne army crawl through miles of prison poop pipes than you would in a wave pool. Probably.

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The Center for Disease Control will tell you the same thing. Probably. I may be wrong, but I may not be wrong.

There are a billion reasons never to go swimming (sickness, drowning, sharks, man-eating octopii, giant squid and other creatures of the deep, drowning, etc.). But only a few reasons to go take a dip (exercise, to cool off, snorkel, general fun). But ask yourselves this: is the possibility of catching a brain-eating infection that 97% of people worth swimming in a wave pool?

Why do you think every water park on earth has that one slide that is basically a giant toilet bowl?

Image result for water slide toilet bowlRelated image

Health and Lifestyle, Pets and Animals

CDC finds that Puppies caused spread of infection–Would you risk these symptoms to play with the pups?

labrador-puppies

First of all, the article that initially reported on the CDC finding embellished almost every important part of the article to make the infection seem so much worse than it was.

The article said, “Puppies to blame for sickening hundreds of people” in  “multiple states.” Firstly, only 118 people got sick. I guess any number over 100 classifies as ‘hundreds.’ Secondly, “multiple states” was referring to more than one state.

And all that might be excusable if the infection was deadly as the article implies, but it ins’t deadly at all. In fact, the article only listed one symptom associated with the bacteria, Camplyobacter: diarrhea.

Yeah, no doubt I’d trade diarrhea to play with those lovable as fuck little shits.

Those puppies are so fucking it burns my insides. Maybe that’s diarrhea. You could tell me the diarrhea was going to travel up to my stomach and implode in my esophagus, killing me in the process, and I’d still trade it to play with the puppers.

Classic media complaining about nothing, just trying to change public perception of puppies, and make you fear random illnesses. Puppies are not the enemy, ABC. Watch Isle of Dogs for references, ABC.

Health and Lifestyle

Diabetes Medication Found to Cause Flesh Eating Disease in Worst Possible Place to Have Flesh Eating Disease.

The FDA announced that SGLT2 inhibitors cause necrotizing fascitis, usually referred to as “flesh-eating disease” because it sounds a lot cooler. ‘Flesh eating disease’ also sounds lot scarier, as if you are going to turn into a zombie from The Walking Dead. Image result for walking dead zombies

Diabetics already have to deal with a bazillion symptoms from diabetes. Now they have to worry about becoming real life barbie dolls and action figures? Makes you want to eat kale for dinner.

Just kidding, kale is revolting and unpalatable.

Before people of Diabetes type II freak out… flesh-eating bacteria of the genitals is insanely rare.  We’re talking less than 5 cases per year from 2013-2018.

“Necrotizing fasciitis of the genital area, also called Fournier’s gangrene, is a life-threatening bacterial infection of the tissues under the skin surrounding the muscles, nerves, fat, and blood vessel in the genital area. It is estimated to happen to about 1.6 of 100,000 men annually in the United States, most often among those ages 50 to 79.”

This is the type of vagina eating that you don’t want to happen.  Unfortunately for those with Type II diabetes, losing your leg isn’t the only thing you need to worry about. This disease really makes you think twice about the nickname “pussy-slayer.”

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People forget that Dwight slayed Angela’s pussy…cat.

1.7 million people were prescribed SGLT2 inhibitors last year, so if you notice any of these warning signs, you should probably get it checked out faster than it takes you to orgasm or else you never will again:

  • Redness
  • Pain
  • Swelling (sorry guys…you’re not ‘getting bigger for no reason’)
  • Fever of >100.4 Fahrenheit

To be honest, you don’t need to worry. Over the course of five years, the FDA learned of 12 cases of necrotizing fascitis of the genitals caused from the diabetic medication. Though four of the 12 resulted in serious complications,  Health sites like WebMD are literally designed to scare you, so you stay on the site or research more, giving them more traffic and more money. Remember what your parents taught you: don’t believe everything you read, watch on TV, see on the internet, gossip from friends, or consume from politicians…but you MUST believe in a guy that looks like Santa Clause living in the earth’s stratosphere that is the reason for everything as we know it.” Because the Church wouldn’t lie to us…They’ve never lied to us or been involved in any major scandals.

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New theme song for scandal-quieting Pope Francis: “Highway to Hell,” by AC/DC

 

Don’t google pictures of necrotizing fascitis unless you want to be awesomely disgusted….you know, like the type that is so gross but for whatever reason you can’t look away? It’s like watching videos of horses mating (for educational purposes….it’s fascinating how much the male horse’s legs shake). Flesh eating disease is actually very zombie-esque.

This is the end of the article and everything is boring from here on out.

Here are the list of medications that have been approved for Type II diabetes. I didn’t have to do that, but as you know, I like to go the extra mile for my readers.

  • Canagliflozin (Invokana, Invokamet, Invokamet XR)
  • Dapagliflozin (Farxiga, Xigduo XR, Qtern)
  • Empagliflozin (Jardiance, Glyxambi, Synjardy, Synjardy XR)
  • Ertugliflozin (Steglatro, Segluromet, Steglujan)

Actually I got all this information from WebMD, but you’re better off reading it here. Otherwise they’ll tell you that you’re going to die based off of you’re runny nose.

Health and Lifestyle, You’re being lied

Overweight North Americans: Here is Why You Should Stay Fat for Your Health

If you live in North America, chances are that you’ve at the bare minimum atleast considered dieting. Even if you are naturally thinner and don’t have a medical reason to diet—you probably have picked the McDonalds salad over the chicken nuggets once or twice (until one person somewhere told you the salads were more fattening and you decide to get the nuggets anyway).

If you’re thinking about a 3rd slice of cake that ‘you’re only considering because no one else is around and it’s going to rot in the fridge soon,’ get your gullet ready because ol’ KillerTakes has got some goodbad news for you. No, it’s not a good news, bad news situation. It’s good-bad news… This news is horrifying and tragic, but has a nice silver lining for the obese and repulsive populates, AKA most of our bloggers here at KillerTakes.

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The Continent of North America is known for exactly three infinity units of things

For example, this is my representation of North American’s Fatboy reputation using pictures of yours truly.
←←←←←

However, arguably the most disturbing of North American reputations  is its startling number of domestic, civilian mass murders.

Exclude from photo above is Mexico because they only have to deal with the cartel. Once they get that little issue out of the way they can be included.

On April 23rd, while I wallowed for my own self- tragedy, a REAL, horrifying tragedy occurred in Canada: “The Toronto van attack was a vehicle-ramming attack that occurred on April 23, 2018, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A man later identified as Alek Minassian allegedly drove a rented van at speed through the North York City Centre business district, deliberately targeting pedestrians, killing 10 and injuring 16, some critically,”–Wikipedia.

Min-ass-ian, wrote this on Facebook mere minutes before the attack:

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(Via ABC via Facebook)

 

“The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!”

Some labelled the post as ‘cryptic’ and Zodiac Killer-esque, but a new culture of the internet has now been popularized.

An “Incel” is a slang term for someone who identifies as an “Involuntary Celibate.” Incel is literally short for “Inceldom,” which is apparently a real word. Wikipedia says that self-identifying Incels are almost entirely men.

zoolander confused

 

⇦You Trying to figure out where the f**k this article is going…

…same. It’ll probably all come together. I didn’t make an outline for this one

 

Elliot Rodger, the man Alek Minassian hails in his post, was the scum of the earth responsible for the 2014 Isla Vista Killings in California. Rodger identified as an Incel ad claimed the murders we’re out of hate for women in his manifesto. These Incel nine communities actually admire Elliot Rodgers.

Just to give you an idea of how much you should hate Elliot Rodgers, he wrote in his manifesto that he fantasizes about rounding up all the women and ‘gleefully’ watches them starve to death in concentration camps. I implore you to imagine your sister denying Rodger sex, and him having this even of hate for her in return. I implore you to do so. You’re implored. 

One of the major beliefs of the intel is in fatalism and defeatism for unattractive people, AKA unattractive people are destined to be defeated by virginity, never to achieve their penetrating, orgasmic goal of climax.

If there is truly an “Incel Rebellion” on the way, there is legitimate cause for concern when simply walking down the street… if you’re moderately attractive.

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Watch this movie if you want to live. Then watch some more. Also, this movie is a classic stinker…a good-bad movie…not unlike this news.

If you’re a revolting blob and your right hand is bae, you can actually rest-easy. This is one health concern that you don’t need to worry about. In fact, attractive people might want to consider gaining weight and consider a diet that may actually do some good for their health. Take it from us, sitting on the couch watching Jersey Shore re-runs, blogging, while eating a breakfast Philly cheese steak you added to your dinner order the night before is the healthy alternative.

I am scared for the Adriana Lima’s, Jake Gylenhaal’s, and Derek Zoolander’s of the world. Really makes you think.

 

All the experts are saying that Incels are basically a-holes. Blend in to survive, baby.

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Health and Lifestyle, Sports

PawSox (RedSox Triple-A team) Won’t Let Your “Evil” Child Into Upcoming Games if They’re Named Austin or Tyler

 

PawSox depicting the Yankees as the most powerful weapon in the universe…quite the move

“This, of course, references last week’s benches-clearing fracas between the Red Sox and Yankees that involved Joe Kelly and Tyler Austin. Austin slid hard into second base, which upset Brock Holt. The benches emptied as the two jawed at each other, but no punches were thrown. Later in the game, Kelly threw at Austin and the benches emptied again. Punches were thrown this time and both players were given suspensions.“– KillerTakes Via Yahoo! via NBC Sports via Bill Bauer via PawSox.

This is just a weird move. I get it’s a promotional move to aid in reviving the Yankees, Red Sox Rivalry, but come on….everyone knows what you’re doing.

Do you really think any Yankees or Red sos are going to give a shit whether or not they go to this game? At most they lose 20 bucks. “What a minor inconvenience, I might have to go tomorrow.”

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When you’re 1,000 years old and try to appeal to millennial online.

 

 

 

 

The way I see it, the PawSox could either go through with it or not. And if they do go through with it, are they checking ID’s? What if my 3 month year old baby was named Austin or Tyler…should I just stuff him in a locker until after the game? Leave him in the car? Toss him and adopt another?

“Self-Identifying” is such a specific phrase that it makes me believe they’re just going to ask everyone what their name is. When my little brother was 2, he really didn’t understand anything but his own name. It’s all he’d say when you spoke to him. What are you going to do then? If I just say my name Is Joe, do I get in for free? basically free admission except for my 3 year-old son?

I really hope this was a marketing intern… otherwise, the PawSox might want to consider hiring someone with a brain.

(Shout out to Smitty at BarstoolSports for the scarecrow reference).

Obviously my article title is misleading. You know what else is misleading?

Any fast food advertisement. Or literally any article title. Pick out any story ever and you can spin it to bash them.

Screen Shot 2018-04-20 at 9.03.30 AMPictured definitely isn’t Arby’s. You know what? This piece of shit with two pieces of bread and is Arby’s. I welcome the lawsuit. Arby’s consists of actual poop, cheese, bread, and a guy yelling stuff at you in the commercials. Come at me, Barby’s. I want you. Or does Barby’s not have the meats for it?

 

 

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

DeadSpin CEO Canned After Receiving a Colossal BarstoolSports Beatdown

If you’ve seen any recent news of the two satirical blogs, you know that Barstool CEO Erika Nardini did an interview as a favor for her close friend at Univision, Deadspin’s parent company.

Nardini has been making her rounds discussing the inclusive culture at Barstool. Many have criticized barstool for being mysogonistic, which is a pointlessly big word for ‘sexist towards women.’ Nardini defends Barstool in these talks, and if you take one look at any of the women at Barstool’s tweets, you’ll find something about how much they love Barstool.

 

So when the Megan Greenwell–DeadSpin Editor-in-Chief–wrote an article about Nardini big-timing them by showing that she clearly has a closer relationship with DeadSpin’s parent company than DeadSpin ever will.

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So you mean this woman, who obviously struggled to make all sorts of weird ass angles and faces to come up with this photo, attacked Barstool for actually treating women well, and when DeadSpin was proven wrong, tried to stir up some more stuff, saying Nardini’s interviews are “bullshit?”

Give me a break. Take one second to be authentic, stop taking swings at everyone when you know you’re wrong just so you can get some page views. You know why people from MTV’s reality show The Challenge don’t get asked to come back? Not because they don’t stir up fights, but because there are 30 contestants on the show, and it is so obvious when some no name newcomer  starts fighting with everyone just so they can get some camera-time. They aren’t authentic so no one likes them….you are that contestant: annoying, fighting, never going to win, and everyone hates you. Even the people that employ you.

We asked these guys how many beers it would take…this was their response. Comment what you think they’re saying, and you’ll win a prize.

 

 

Since then, the CEO of DeadSpin has been fired and reports have been made about DeadSpin going broke. I have to post this again:

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Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Barstool President Beats the F**k Out of Piñata After Anger over Slow Pizza: A Reminder to Everyone To Bend the Knee or Be Destroyed

If you are gonna make El Pres wait for pizza for so long, he’s going to get mad. You can only poke the bear so many times until it wakes up.

Animal correspondent, Chocolate Cake, had this to say: *GRAPHIC CONTENT.

 

That Pizza was never going to be good.  Next time you should probably serve the most famous pizza reviewer from earth to the moon. Just a thought. A word to the wise: don’t eat  pizza from San Antonio.

Now you’re known for both bad service and bad pizza. And that review is high, it is far, it is gone! A huge solo-bite homer that sends the owner’s kids straight to community college.

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General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Study Reports New Warning Sign of Alzheimer’s: Why Millenials Are Fucked

The newest study on senile dementia aka Alzheimer’s found that there is a link between Alzheimer’s and excessive daytime sleepiness. Furthermore, people that have bad sleeping habits.

Awesome news for today’s average millennial college kid. The higher education system has fucked the present day college student is so, so many ways and it just continues to get worse, man. Let’s pretend we’re not constantly thinking:

“FUCK ME HOW AM I GOING TO PAY 200,000 DOLLARS OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE IN A YEAR AND I JUST GOT TURNED AWAY FROM WAWA,”

forget that we can’t  even get a job with our shitty history majors, don’t think about the fact that this screws over lower income families creating an even larger wage gap, don’t think about the civil and  social issues that said wage gap will cause, don’t think about the insane amount of mental health problems you didn’t have before you got here. Ignore that you’re acing exams but are actually failing a class because you aren’t SPEAKING UP ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION GRADE IN A LECTURE HALL.

No, now we can’t even age and die normally. We’re forced to sleep weird hours: study up late, wake up early, then take nap or series of naps. When could be waking up or falling asleep at any given moment. Depends on the person.

The sweet relief of death, the one thing we were looking forward to, the one thing we weren’t anxious about because we were certain it would happen, now is going to fucking plagued with loneliness from not recognizing loved ones, panick attacks, and generalized fear.

Sleeping during the day/ bad sleeping habits  causes your body to not get rid of your amyloid proteins properly. And that causes some folds or some shit, and basically ya bitch ass might have Alzheimer’s now.

Higher education demands more of its students than ever before. As the speed and advancement of tech happens, so too does college work. Professors assign papers and have them due two days later at obscure times. I have an assignment due everyday at midnight. Our parents never had to do that crap. Shit was due in class, or at the very least, in their professor’s mailboxes or so our parents were on a much more regulated schedule than us. Atleast they were seeing the god damn sun for more than two hours.

By the way, not being on a routine, not having good sleeping habits, and not being awake during the sunlight the humongous causes psychological issues. In case the shitty senile dementia we’ll all have isn’t enough.

I hope I get Alzheimer’s to forget how college was bacially a re-boot of the popular beastiality video Mr. Hand.

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As the horse out his  3ft long dick in Mr. hands, got what it needed, and dipped, so too did college dip their hands in our wallets, got what they needed, and left us and mr. hands irreversibly fucked.