Entertainment, Men's Health, Music

Snoop Dogg has Erectile Dysfunction and is Wildly Insecure About It

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Snoop Dogg is the spokesperson for ForHims–a company that sells personal wellness products for men. They call baldness and erectile dysfunction optional because of their products.

Here is Snoop doing a ForHims commercial advertising their remedy for Erectile Dysfunction.


THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT SNOOP DOGG HAS A CLAUSE IN HIS CONTRACT THAT SAYS HE ISN’T AFFECTED BY ED. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Are you serious? Can’t ForHims get someone to endorse that this product works? If Snoop Dogg really doesn’t get erectile dysfunction, then why the hell should I buy a product that he says works when he doesn’t even use it?

That’s like Dunkin’ Donuts coming out with a commercial where the spokesperson says,

“Hey, I am not a coffee drinker, but you should drink this coffee because it’s the best for your coffee needs! Again, I personally don’t use this product, so I really don’t know if it’s good or not to meet your coffee needs, but you should get it because it’s the best!”

If Snoop Dogg truly can endorse ForHims based on his personal experience with their ED vitamins, then he is literally so insecure about not being able to make his little snoop into a big Dogg that he actually did a commercial where he MADE A POINT to say that he doesn’t have boner probs in the bedroom.

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Snoop, if you’re worried about your image being tarnished or something, you don’t have to worry! You do a show with Martha Stewart. You host the horrendous game show “Jokers Wild.” Your rep in the public eye already low. You can’t raise your rep after that….kinda like something else of yours that can’t rise up.

(At least we know why Snoop wanted to endorse ForHims.)

Snoop, you’re a 46 year-old hundred-millionaire that smokes enough weed to singlehandedly keep California’s economy afloat. I think that whoever you are sleeping with has a reasonable expectation that your d-o-double pee pee might not work considering your last brain cell just got higher than a 747 from a 3-lb joint you just finished. Honestly, you shouldn’t be worried about your insecurities about your erectile dysfunction, you should worry about lung dysfunction.

I spent a lot of time bashing Snoop Dizzle, but I gotta say, he seems just so lovable, kinda soft and cuddly–Just like his faulty phallus!

If you have ED issues, don’t feel emasculated or embarrassed…those ideals come from early-mid 20th century ideals of masculinity…I mean, this outdated thinking comes from a time where the man at the forefront of WW2 and the Holocaust famously had micro-penis. Yes, Adolf Hitler, the sick gentrifier who’s beliefs we’re so backwards that he did something as horrible as the Holocaust, reinforced animalistic, uncivilized thought processes of what makes a man a man. So basically, if you feel embarrassed about your ED, you agree with Hitler’s beliefs. Denounce Nazi’s. Denounce scrotal scrutiny.

And if you do have ED, it’s not a big deal! Everyone gets whiskey dick from time-to-time. Many get dick diminishing side effects from medication. Even hormone enraged teens get a soft slug from nerves or jitters–or anyone that’s nervous for that matter! You don’t want to live a short life (and we’re not talking about life expectancy in terms of age, but life expectancy in terms of inches).

Talk it up so you can get it up!

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Entertainment, Men's Health, Uncategorized

20-year Study finds link between Forehead Wrinkles and Heart disease–A List of Celebs Who Should go to the Cardiologist

These French Scientist’s just made half of the world panic when their 20 year study found that prominent forehead wrinkles is tell-tale sign for cardiovascular disease.

So yeah, thanks for making everyone ever think they’re going die soon, assholes.

Anyway, here’s a list of celbrities who should maybe go to the cardiologist for a well-visit.

Mark Wahlberg

All I can say is jesus christ Mark Mark. If you he anymore confused or suprised or anything that will kae his forehead scrunch, he’ll  have a heart attack on the spot.

I mean damn, the indents on that thing make the space between his eyes look like a hot dog bun.

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Marky Marks-All-Over-His-forehead

 

Michael Madsen (Actor from resoivoir dogs, more recently Hateful Eight

Um…ew? The fuck is going on above that right eyebrow?

 

Hugh Laurie— AKA house.

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smallhouse

 

 

 

House is really the only thing anyone knows him for, yet no one knows why they called him house. Rumors have speculated that it is because many long and straight wrinkles on his forehead look remarkably similar to the exterior lining of a house

 

Pictured here is a trendy new style of living space called a “Micro-house,” or coloquially “Hugh Laurie’s Disgusting Forehead.”

 

 

 

Sean Penn

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Is he okay?

Did he already have a heart attack or stroke?

 

 

 

 

Mel Gibson

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Braveheart or diseased heart?

 

 

“This Anti-semite needs anti-wrinkle cream!!!!!” I audibly exclaimed.

 

 

 

 

Chef Gordon Ramsay

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Yeah no shit he’ll have heart disease….Remember when Ramsay used to scream at the top of his lungs at the chef’s on Hell’s Kitchen? He probably has arteries so hardened that they’re made of concrete.

 

Lebron James

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Cleveland fans argue that Lebron James has no heart since he walked out on Cleveland for a second time. Does the correlation between forehead wrinkles and cardiovascular disease still work if you dont have a pumping ticker (and the relative circulatory system).

Trendy jokes aside, Lebron’s forehead resembles a multi-laned turnpike.

Cleavage (noun) is defined as “a sharp division; a split.” Unforuntely, I am not smart enough to come up with a respectable joke that links the word “Cleavage” with “Cleveland” and his forehead wrinkles, but I will say this: I can and will start referring to Lebron as cleavage face.

Tommy Lee JonesTommy-Lee-Jones

While our country cannot thank him enough for the many times Tommy Lee has put his life on the line to save all of Earth in Men In Black, this ain’t no country for old men. You can’t have a forehead that resembles one of the very aliens in your line of work:

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Steve Buscemisteve-buscemi

Steve Buscemi is truly ana amazing person and talented, multi-faceted actor.  I hate that he made this list and I hate that I am quoting wikipedia for this fact beause I was too lazy to think of a summary for it but,

“Buscemi was a New York City firefighter from 1980 to 1984, with Engine Company No. 55, in the Little Italy section of New York. The day after the 9/11 attacks in New York, he returned to his old firehouse to volunteer: he worked twelve-hour shifts for a week, and dug through rubble looking for missing firefighters.”

Awesome.

That being said, Buscemi was probably born with wrinkles on his face. Stinks too because Buscemi could play any role perfectly,

except for…ya know…a role that requires a good looking male.

 

 

Sean Bean

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Ned Stark’s wrinkles really arent that bad, but that initial concave basin that goes fom his eyesbrows to the first crease is mesmorizing. Bean must have to dry that thing out after a shower so it doesnt get moldy.

 

Russel Crowe

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People typically wrinkles around your eyes (also known as “laughing wrinkles”) as “Crow’s feet. We should start calling the wrinkles on your forehead “Crow’s forehead.”

 

Or not, it was just a suggestion.

 

Goerge Clooney

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We now invite every other 50-60 year old that grew up, had kids, and worked a hard, boring life at a cublicle to join us in laughing at Goerge Clooney.

Heart disease is what you get for being single all your life and being a movie star and partyign and enjoying all the finer things (AKA any model he wants). We are happy that there will be one consequence to the amazing life that most midlife men envied, and you enjoyed.

Fuck you Clooney,  have fun with your terrible circulation.

 

 

Robert Deniro

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Humor me and picture Robert Deniro saying this in one of his organized crime role voices:

“Who do ya think ya talking to, Huh? I got wrinkles on my face? Huh? Who the fuck do you think you talkin’ to here, huh?”

 

Deniro spawned a 55+ year career off of his famous scrunched forehead and raised eyebrow look. Dead ass this man has been acting since 1963. 55 years of doing anything is gonna leave a little wear and “tear”….. too bad that the thing he’ll “tear” is his thoracic aorta.

 

 

 

Final Note

Yours truly is a lover of all women  of all types. Out of respect for the beautiful babes, in addition to my sister and mother,  I chose not include any women in this article. No need for the hate-shaming on them, you know (plus most female celebrities got that shit smoothed out by botox anyway lol).

Keeping that in mind, I jsut have to include Reese Witherspoon’s forhead hoping that someone can tell me what. in. the. fucking. hell. is. with. the. smooth. part. above. her. eyebrows.?

Reese Witherspoon

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I’m sorry but somebody somewhere made a mistake. Whether it’s god,  her plastic surgeon, her makeup person, someone slipping  her botox while she sleeps, etc., someone is doing something incorrectly on this woman’s forehead.

 

 

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

DeadSpin CEO Canned After Receiving a Colossal BarstoolSports Beatdown

If you’ve seen any recent news of the two satirical blogs, you know that Barstool CEO Erika Nardini did an interview as a favor for her close friend at Univision, Deadspin’s parent company.

Nardini has been making her rounds discussing the inclusive culture at Barstool. Many have criticized barstool for being mysogonistic, which is a pointlessly big word for ‘sexist towards women.’ Nardini defends Barstool in these talks, and if you take one look at any of the women at Barstool’s tweets, you’ll find something about how much they love Barstool.

 

So when the Megan Greenwell–DeadSpin Editor-in-Chief–wrote an article about Nardini big-timing them by showing that she clearly has a closer relationship with DeadSpin’s parent company than DeadSpin ever will.

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So you mean this woman, who obviously struggled to make all sorts of weird ass angles and faces to come up with this photo, attacked Barstool for actually treating women well, and when DeadSpin was proven wrong, tried to stir up some more stuff, saying Nardini’s interviews are “bullshit?”

Give me a break. Take one second to be authentic, stop taking swings at everyone when you know you’re wrong just so you can get some page views. You know why people from MTV’s reality show The Challenge don’t get asked to come back? Not because they don’t stir up fights, but because there are 30 contestants on the show, and it is so obvious when some no name newcomer  starts fighting with everyone just so they can get some camera-time. They aren’t authentic so no one likes them….you are that contestant: annoying, fighting, never going to win, and everyone hates you. Even the people that employ you.

We asked these guys how many beers it would take…this was their response. Comment what you think they’re saying, and you’ll win a prize.

 

 

Since then, the CEO of DeadSpin has been fired and reports have been made about DeadSpin going broke. I have to post this again:

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Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Barstool President Beats the F**k Out of Piñata After Anger over Slow Pizza: A Reminder to Everyone To Bend the Knee or Be Destroyed

If you are gonna make El Pres wait for pizza for so long, he’s going to get mad. You can only poke the bear so many times until it wakes up.

Animal correspondent, Chocolate Cake, had this to say: *GRAPHIC CONTENT.

 

That Pizza was never going to be good.  Next time you should probably serve the most famous pizza reviewer from earth to the moon. Just a thought. A word to the wise: don’t eat  pizza from San Antonio.

Now you’re known for both bad service and bad pizza. And that review is high, it is far, it is gone! A huge solo-bite homer that sends the owner’s kids straight to community college.

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General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Study Reports New Warning Sign of Alzheimer’s: Why Millenials Are Fucked

The newest study on senile dementia aka Alzheimer’s found that there is a link between Alzheimer’s and excessive daytime sleepiness. Furthermore, people that have bad sleeping habits.

Awesome news for today’s average millennial college kid. The higher education system has fucked the present day college student is so, so many ways and it just continues to get worse, man. Let’s pretend we’re not constantly thinking:

“FUCK ME HOW AM I GOING TO PAY 200,000 DOLLARS OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE IN A YEAR AND I JUST GOT TURNED AWAY FROM WAWA,”

forget that we can’t  even get a job with our shitty history majors, don’t think about the fact that this screws over lower income families creating an even larger wage gap, don’t think about the civil and  social issues that said wage gap will cause, don’t think about the insane amount of mental health problems you didn’t have before you got here. Ignore that you’re acing exams but are actually failing a class because you aren’t SPEAKING UP ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION GRADE IN A LECTURE HALL.

No, now we can’t even age and die normally. We’re forced to sleep weird hours: study up late, wake up early, then take nap or series of naps. When could be waking up or falling asleep at any given moment. Depends on the person.

The sweet relief of death, the one thing we were looking forward to, the one thing we weren’t anxious about because we were certain it would happen, now is going to fucking plagued with loneliness from not recognizing loved ones, panick attacks, and generalized fear.

Sleeping during the day/ bad sleeping habits  causes your body to not get rid of your amyloid proteins properly. And that causes some folds or some shit, and basically ya bitch ass might have Alzheimer’s now.

Higher education demands more of its students than ever before. As the speed and advancement of tech happens, so too does college work. Professors assign papers and have them due two days later at obscure times. I have an assignment due everyday at midnight. Our parents never had to do that crap. Shit was due in class, or at the very least, in their professor’s mailboxes or so our parents were on a much more regulated schedule than us. Atleast they were seeing the god damn sun for more than two hours.

By the way, not being on a routine, not having good sleeping habits, and not being awake during the sunlight the humongous causes psychological issues. In case the shitty senile dementia we’ll all have isn’t enough.

I hope I get Alzheimer’s to forget how college was bacially a re-boot of the popular beastiality video Mr. Hand.

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As the horse out his  3ft long dick in Mr. hands, got what it needed, and dipped, so too did college dip their hands in our wallets, got what they needed, and left us and mr. hands irreversibly fucked.

 

General Humor, Men's Health

Grower vs. Show-er: why I wish I had a show-er and not my little penis.

DISCLAIMER:  If you thought that this was going to be safe or clean enough to read at work, than I hope you get caught. NSF nerds. Read the title again. 

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.05.38 PMMy dad used to always tell my brother and I that dick size didn’t matter in life, and that in the end, everyone ends up the same anyway. Which I only recently realized was sort of a “heads up. It’s not getting any bigger’

Now, I have absolutely no problem with the size of my dick. My life is no different than if it were bigger besides pleasuring a few women a little bit more, but all in all, it’s worked. 

However, I wish I had one of those really monstrous, massive dicks that are so big that it’s kind of okay to show them off.

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Say you’re at a big party and some guy decides to streak but he’s got a penis that looks like a little cheddar Cheeto poking out of a bristle pad,then I mean, there’s a reasonable chance that:

A) People will freak out, or

B) think he’s a pervert flasher.

I want to be so big that when I go streaking, you take one look and say “oh that makes sense,” or “that is correct.” My uncle was friend’s with a student on the Seton Hall basketball team that would get hammered and get naked at every party, but it was okay because the guy was mistook for a horse the rest of the night. 


I think I am giving you guys the wrong impression. My dick isn’t small…. it’s very small.  I have yet to show a girl my dick and get a facial reaction that was anything even remotely enthusiastic. 

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The real question here is she laughing because it is so small, or because it’s so big that the dick is just not going to fit in ANY of her average-sized nook, crannies, or crevices.

 

 

 

And my parents were religious and awkward– it’s still very unclear to this day if I ever got the sex talk, so I was really late to knowing all the lingo and having the full extent of knowledge. So my loving parents decided to save themselves from the awkwardness at the hands of my own suffering and awkwardness. 

Those close to me often ask, “How did you get all the way to college, through your all-boys high school, without knowing ‘the button’ was a synonymous term with clitoris. I knew it was something sexual. With the basis of knowledge I had, using an deductive reasoning approach, I guessed that it meant something else. And was very wrong. 

My dick is so small that for the first 19 years of my life, I actually thought that “the button” was my little cock. I must have heard someone say ‘the button’ in a sexual conversation and said to myself, “oh well that makes sense.”

balls

 

I remember watching a sitcom where one of the main female characters talking to the guy main character who she was dating at that point in the show, and she said something to the effect that he wasn’t good at finding ‘the button.’

 

And right then and there, I should have realized that a a normal person would have said to themselves “wait…this can’t be right” and looked it up to confirm or something.

But because I’m clearly evolutionarily inferior and have a little brain,  amongst other little things, I remember thinking to myself, “hmm, that’s odd that he’s having trouble finding his own button. Oh man…is this show about to take a wildly dark turn? Does he have a dissociative disorder or something?

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I actually believed that the hit sitcom, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, was about to give the main character a serious mental disorder before thinking to myself “hmm…maybe I am wrong.”

In my defense, I don’t think finding one’s own penis is all that out of the blue. All men have had trouble at one point or another trying to find our own dick every once in a while. A common scenario one might encounter where they have difficulty immediately locating their cock is when you’re doing spending time in the frigid cold and you’re all layered up and need to piss (i.e. skiing, or at a football game).

Another good example is when you’re getting frisky in public somewhere and you want to do a little somethin’-somethin’ so she tells you to pull out your penis through your underwear and jean pee-hole’s to let the groundhog see its shadow.

Screen Shot 2018-03-11 at 12.25.42 AMLadies, I have a few things I wanna say about this:

First of all, if i’m wearing anything other than boxers, it’s not happening. Like i said, my dick probably has a little bit more traveling room down there to explore than most of the guys you’ve been with. It could be anywhere in there. If I have skin-tight briefs on, then it takes some work and elbow grease to root around there looking for it.   Now, If I have on boxer’s, maybe it’s a different story. Maybe I can pat down the drafty areas, stretch em out and take a peek, or even get down into the taint area if I need to.

Secondly, Why do you even want me to pull it out already? All we’ve done is kiss for 15 seconds and mutually agreed that we’re gonna have fully clothed sex in a low-risk empty park. And I know she’s anxious and nervous about getting caught and I know that’s even part of the excitement, but my already shitty, stubby, little dick has like one remaining sperm cell that has any self-esteem or confidence left in the dick.

You really want me to pull out my soft chode out of my two pee holes, to the point where only the head is showing, so we can both just look at what now literally looks like a pink button? No one wants to see that.

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This picture I found online is beyond insanely weird, but it proves my point. Look at that gross little thing

 

By the way, in that scenario, the resemblance to a button would stun you. I mean yeah it looks a little fleshy but you could definitely pass it off as an in-fashion, embroidered or felt button. The urethra holes matchup with pant-buttons and all. You could honestly tell me these are pictures of all the of the same thing and I’d believe you.

This weird ass dude posts a lot of pictures of his little dick’s head peeking out his pee hole (s/o to the most random website ever, rodinkam.net), but he proves my point. That is not attractive. You probably scrolled by as fast as you could.

 

Anyway, yeah that is another situation where an enormous penis would come in handy.

I uh, I don’t mind my dick size at all.