Entertainment, General Humor, Social

Vegas TV Reporter Arrested for Public Masturbation–Claimed That He Was scratching a Crotch-Rash that was “Itching Terribly.” Either Way it’s Gross.

Randy Howe is a Las Vegas Sports reporter for Channel 3 out there. Howe is a forgettable reporter, but a memorable masturbation. On November 6th, Howe was arrested and charged for gross lewdness and indecent exposure.

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My brother once asked my Dad if he accompany him on a trip to Las Vegas. My Dad was not sure as he had his concerns. Dad responded with, “I don’t know bud…I think it’s for the best if you’re not exposed to the indecency of Las Vegas.” I doubt that Dad was talking about the type of indecent exposure that Howe’s involved in. Maybe he did mean it in that way… what the hell is going on in Vegas? Why? Howe?

 

 

I finally understand why people say ,”What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” It’s because they don’t want people like Handy-randy anywhere near them. Literally, what the hell is wrong with Handy-Randy? Howe the hell are there people in this world that are so weird that they decide to take a trip to the bar at 9:15 A.M. only to sit at a slot machine and rub the one eyed snake. People rub tings for good luck, right? Maybe he was trying to get a little luck out to hit the jackpot on the slot machine. But something tells me that Howe wasn’t expecting luck to be what comes out of the one-eyed snake.

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Tell me if you believe his excuse:

Howe denies that he was flogging the dolphin, claiming that he was merely, “itching terribly.”

 Howe insisted he was not masturbating, saying he had a severe rash and was scratching himself, the report said. He said he “probably shouldn’t have been scratching himself at the bar and that it was a bad decision,” according to the report.-The Las Vegas Review

Uh, Okay…………………………………………………………………………

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Even if that we’re true…what the fuck is going on in your crotch area that is so itchy that you can’t stop scratching in a very public place.

 

But Howe was lying. Because he is perverse. The police have enough handy-dandy evidence to arrest Handy-Randy that proves the sportscaster’s cock-itchiness claim is a straight up lie:

A worker told responding officers they noticed the patron display “strange behavior,” which included walking to the bathroom with his penis outside his pants, police said. Surveillance video reviewed by police showed the patron unzip his pants and fondle himself, according to the report. —The Las Vegas Review

Howe are you going to lie your way out of this one, Howe? Your dick was so itchy that you’re fingers just weren’t doing the trick so you pulled your dong out of your zipper so you could scratch your scrotum against the metal ridges of the zipper but you accidentally cut it so you had to go to the bathroom to clean up the blood, and unfortunately couldn’t move your wang from the clutches of your zipper as you’d be risking  complete destruction?

One cannot help but wonder what is so sexually arousing for Howe to spank the monkey in a public bar at 9 AM. The atypical male-masturbation throws on some beautifully nasty stuff from one of the major porn sites. Or, if you’re into the vintage, retro style of porn pics, you might whip open a playboy center-fold to wrinkle as you clutch the page while achieving ecstasy.

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But Howe doesn’t do that…what turns him on his being at a bar early in the morning and just doing it while cranking down on his lever–in addition to the slot machines lever. Honestly…what can the crowd possibly look like at a bar in North Vegas at 9:15 A.M. I can’t imagine there being too many attractive women there. As my thirst for knowledge ceases to be quenched, I sought out information from my Father, who is one of two people I know personally that have been to Las Vegas:

Me: Dad….the crowd at a bar in North Vegas at 9:00 AM must be gross and ugly, right?

Dad: You’d be surprised.

Me: Oh yeah? How do you know?

Dad: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, son. 

I hope that phrase is true because I don’t want him touching himself or anything close to me. I decree a personal restraining order that requires Handy Randy Howe to never come closer than 2,625 miles from me (that’s the exact distance from my house to Vegas. Ha.) Sick people in this world man. I bet Howe doesn’t vaccinate his kids. Let’s not open that can of worms right now.

opinion, Social, You’re being lied

Here are a Bunch of Tweets from an Account I hate and By the End of This, I Hope You Share my Feelings

Why this account and UberFacts are garbage:

It tweets the same facts over and over, meaning it is both too lazy to go on Wikipedia, or it thought that a certain tweet did not do as well as they thought it would.

It tweets the same facts as @Uberfacts (not that I like UberFacts, the two copy from headteacher and each share my hatred).

The facts are all wrong, askew, misinterpreted, or are massively broad,  over-exaggerations (For example, it will tweet ‘the most important factor” necessary to be happy. And two days later, it will tweet how something else is the most important thing for happiness). They don’t do shit to be correct, just want more traffic.

They is ignant. My captions are even more ignant.

 

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I know the answer to this one! It’s because the people who invented Tennis, aka Europeans, can’t count.

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I don’t think that’s “thy kingdom come” is supposed to mean in the Our-Father but to each their own.

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Me: Do you think I am dumb?

Man in Mirror: Nah Man! You are more smarter than I am!

Me: I am confused.

Man in Mirror: In summation, you are both crazy and dumb.

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Oh get off your fucking high horses, quiet people. There is nothing I can’t stand more than people who are quiet that think they’re better than everyone else, and are silently judging people and snivel to themselves because they think that they’re so clever. ,Lets be real, you are afraid of speaking, and afraid of what others will think of you.

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Sober Persians: Sparta is pretty. We should consider going after it.

Drunk Persians (with drunk goggles on): Damn! Sparta looking like a damn snack! All up in their Trojan get ups and shit. 300 looking more like a porno than an underdog war story. I am tryna get see how greasy that small section of Greec can get!

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This was probably found out by someone who was really bored.

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PETA is getting god damn ridiculous.

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That’s like Toyota switching from manufacturing cars to boats…Uh, don’t know what I picked Toyota…lets go with Chevy. Yeah, that’s like Chevy switching to boats.

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Alicia clearly has never explore any popular gay porn sites. Um, not that I have either…

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And now we know why the of Lord of the Rings fanbase is 85% comprised of 30+ year-old virgins.

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No shit sherlock. “If you sleep, you will be more rested than you we’re before.” No shit. Tell me something more obvious…is murder illegal? Is the sky blue? Is the NCAA full of corrupt pigs? Was that an opinion?

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So that means somewhere in its Database, Facebook has noted that I was watching Czechoslovakian women shooting ping pong balls out of each of their holes (their goal was to try and shoot one ball out the ass, and one out the V but at the same time and into a bucket…they didnt do it. But it was really fascinating).

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some lucky lady is probably out there with a shrine dedicated to me, writing down Mrs. McNamara over and over again in a notebook, fantasizing about me, her prince charming. I wonder who it is… I wonder if I’d be disappointed.

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I wonder what it’d feel like to be burning alive while giving birth….maybe Casey Anthony will tell me when I see her burning in hell.

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So who the hell is using the 36 grand it cost me to learn things I could have just read on Wikipedia?

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Oh yeah? My parents are divorced…don’t see how that really applies here dickhead.

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Yeah it might be your brain trying to figure it out, but it can’t be healthy to be thinking about your job 24/7. If you’re dreaming about spreadsheets every-night, you might as well blow your brains out.

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You can’t even sleep correctly.

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You know what will be really hilarious is when people askew this statistic because they find out they die for another reason, and then get super depressed, which then speeds up their death date.

 

Pls like share and follow and if you don’t, I swear to God, every piece of paper in this town will have the F-word on it. The f-word. You have one day.

Health and Lifestyle, Laughable News, Social

Chesapeake, Virginia threatens up to 6 months in Jail for Trick-or-Treaters Over the Age of 12

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The Chesapeake 13 year-olds must be little pieces of shit.

“If any person over the age of 12 years shall engage in the activity commonly known as “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine of not less than $25.00 nor more than $100.00 or by confinement in jail for not more than six months or both.”

It’s okay though. You can be a 13 year-old and trick-or-treat so long as you are chaperoning around your little siblings.

“A thirteen year old safely trick or treating with a younger sibling is not going to have any issues. That same child taking pumpkins from porches and smashing them in the street more likely will. Thank you for your help making it a fun night for everyone!” —cityofchesapeake.net

This ordinance is one of the most asinine things on earth. Stopping a child from vandalizing someone’s property is one thing–police intervention is expected. Are the cops not going to stop kids under the age of 12 from vandalizing property?

When I was in 8th grade, my hood-rat friends and I smashed some town pumpkins on mischief night. When the police stopped my friends and I for doing so, we we’re put in the back of the police car and simply brought home to our parents. sirisaac-newton-invented-calculus-before-his-26thbirthday-woah-we-have-22637843.png

The police had us promise never to do it again–but they didn’t even knock on our doors to tell our parents so we wouldn’t get in trouble.

I was scared as all hell. But you mean to tell me that if my little brother (13), who still has braces, didn’t even vandalize pumpkins, but simply went out tick-or-treating with his buddies–could possibly be handcuffed and sentenced to 6 months in prison? For doing absolutely nothing wrong? That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

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When my brother is home alone, I get worried because he is an idiot (most of the time) and I just fear for his safety. I know it’s a little irrational and my future eldest child is screwed, but it’s the truth. This law literally encourages parents to willingly put their young children in situations where they are not properly supervised.

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WAY TOO OLD. ARREST THEM

If a 20 year-old comes and knocks on your door to trick-or-treat–yeah that’s pretty weird as hell. That kid should probably be checked out by cops because whatever their intentions (besides some free candy), they cannot be good. But you can be for damn sure that if my little brother, who still looks like a baby to me (he’ll always be the baby of the family),

There is already petitions calling for this law to be revoked. Just absurd. Can you do citizens arrests? Would be pretty crazy to go on a witch hunt for some young teens.

Trick or treat,
Smell my feet. 
Give me something good to eat. 
If you don’t,
I don’t care,
I’ll just smash your fucking pumpkins and you’ll have to call the cops to get me to leave if you fucking don’t so it’s your call you little bitch.

Entertainment, Movies, Social

Jealous Husband didn’t want wife Taking Photo with Jason Momoa (AKA Khal Drogo and Aquaman); the Resulting Photo Tells you Why

The end result is a photo of Jason Momoa and the couple. It’s just a little bit funnier than that.

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I mean what can you do if you’re the husband. You cant continue to be jealous because it’s god damn Jason Momoa. What are you going to do… fight him? Ok go for it. Have fun against this dude:

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If this face was looking at me on the other side of the ring, I’d literally just say nah fuck that and just immediately kill myself. He is literally so ripped he is a superhero (that being said, not the coolest superhero, but I am waiting with hope that my mind will be changed when Aquaman comes out in December).

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Jesus. The assumption here is that the husband was playing along for a funny photo, right? I truly hope so. I cant imagine that this guy has any confidence as a husband for the rest of his life knowing that Aquaman embarrassed this man into a grave that read “Here lies the first beta to be alpha’d to death.”

But an autograph written over the husband’s face? Talk about beating a dead horse. One can only wonder if the Great Khal gave the man an honorable Dothraki funeral by burning his body after this savage murder.

Again,  there is not much you can do here as the husband. I think most men in the world would submit to doing whatever the hell this man instructed:

General Humor, opinion, Social

Ever Wondered if Someone was Truly a ‘weirdo?’ Their Response to This Question will tell you Whether or Not they Are Cause for Concern

So I am pretty sure I just figured out a damn life hack formula. You know how there are some people who you just get along with…maybe they aren’t perfect, but after a conversation or two, you think, “he’s pretty normal…I could see myself being friends with that guy.” You think no more no less, just that he seems like an alright dude.
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Then there are the people that you have one conversation and instantly realize that there is no way you’d ever be friends with this guy, and that you’ll tolerate said person if you absolutely must, but that’s it. He gives you the skeeves and is comfortable staring at you in silence… yeah that guy is someone you are going to try and have minimal contact with.

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Then there is the guy who you really aren’t sure if you could see yourself being friends with them. You know, the guy who is a coworker who looks normal because he’s always wearing sports gear and never wears a bowtie. He’s similar age to you so everyone in the office sort of expects you to become best friends and eat every lunch together, but something about him makes the situation really awkward. He is on the quieter side and seems like he’s smarter than he is dumber, but his brain is probably has a 60-40% ratio of smart parts to dumb parts. He says things at times that can be really funny, other times he doesn’t respond, and other times you don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.

So is he normal enough to be friends in the real world, or just a little too off to be anything more than friendly coworkers? Here is what you do:

Next time he or she is giving an unpopular thought, opinion, talking about a strange theory they have, or even something small like an organizational preference that most would find to be abnormal behavior–respond to them with this simple question:

“You’re kind of a weird guy, huh Cole?”

And their response is crucial. I formulated this theory after I witnessed someone ask that very question to a coworker, and the response was enlightening. I have heard people pose that query in a playful and teasing manner, and have never heard the response like today.

Normal– A normal guy will either laugh, or respond in a way where he or she steers into the skid, embracing their weirdness. They are comfortable being hypothetically weird as they know they are not, and aren’t self conscious about it. You’ll probably get a response like, “oh I am so weird…you don’t even know the half of it.”

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Weirdo– Like the coworker did today, the weirdo man will either  be taken back at the question, or immediately try and defend himself. Today, my coworker responded to that question with, “What? Look, I am a normal guy, but just because I have a few weird habits and like my desk a certain way, does that suddenly make me some freak?” Uh yes.

The weird guy minds being called weird because he knows deep down inside that he does some strange things, so he defends himself to change your mind. The normal person won’t care, and almost takes pride in his quirky hobbies. Stay on the look out folks. But ti was just bizarre. Who defends themselves like that? We are all weird, it’s actually more abnormal for you to be completely normal. Clearly, the weirdo in this situation is self conscious about other people finding out of his abnormalities and thinks about it often.

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It’s simple psychology backed by absolutely no evidence and zero wikipedia research.  even type it into the google search bar built into my mac. Just pure scientific, factual, educated-guess theory.

CONSPIRACY ALERT: A reader believes that I was actually the weirdo in this scenario and defended myself when a coworker posed that question. The reader clams that he or she believes that I was asked if I was a weirdo, and when I floundered under pressure, I thought to myself, ‘wow, that is a really good way of finding out if someone is a freak or not.’ I would like to dispel these rumors NOW as Fake News! It’s the deplorables at it again! Trump jokes aside, the conspiracy is not true, nor is the story at all. It’s entirely hypothetical, basically to explain that, if ask a weirdo if they are one, they’ll defend themselves. If they are not, they really won’t care about your rude and intrusive question. I am NOT A WEIRDO, SO PLEASE STOP SENDING ME THOSE LETTERS WHOEVER YOU ARE.

Drop the true weirdos for the people willing to claim they are weirdos, because they are not really weirdos #IntentionallyWeirdSentence.

200QX18

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QX18
“Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.”