opinion, Sports

NFL’s Worst Team This Season is So Bad That They’d Do Better If They We’re Actively Trying To Lose

“Forget just losing at home, they’re losing 42-10,”–the big cuck Joe Buck.

As I write this, the Arizona Cardinals (1-5) are losing to the Denver Broncos (2-4) by a whopping 42-10. And if you didnt know this already, the Denver Broncos are sort of a monstrosity this season, which makes how badly the Cardinals lost make them look that much worse. Case Keenum, who has sucked for 15 years of his career barring his one good season last year, is back to the old Case Keenum.

Coming into this game, the Broncos have been the worst NFL team at defending the run. The Broncos gave up 593 rushing yards in the last two games. It was comparable to rushing against the Broncos defense on Madden, with the difficulty setting dialed to Rookie. For Good-dell Sake, the Broncos made the Jets look like a playoff caliber team after losing 34-16.

We’ve known that the Cardinals have been struggling, but many we’re expecting to see them bounce back just a little by utilizing their elite running back, David Johnson. Nope. The Arizona Atrocity only has 64 rushing yards in total, 14 of which came from a Josh Rosen scramble. David Johnson has 14 carries for 39 yards…a woeful 2.8 yards per carry. Rosen as thrown 3 interceptions, and fumbled twice. Every single turnover stemming from the Cardinals Cardinal-Player…Josh Rosen.

Seriously, it felt like every other drive ended with an INT or the ball was on the ground. The Broncos would just take the ball and suddenly be like a b-string offense; it seemed like every quarter there was a takeaway with the Broncos defense on a fast break to the end zone.

I honestly think this team is worse than the Browns were in their winless season last year. Think about how bad a team has to be to lose by 35 points to a notoriously bad team that is dealing with all sorts of inner strife and complications. Not only that, Von Miller made them look absolutely stupid. Every so often, an athlete emerges that can both talk the talk and walk the walk. They are the ones that boast about how badly they’ll beat someone. They look like a cocky asshole and a douchebag…until they beat the people as badly as they said they would.

Muhammad Ali fans loved him because he’d boast about how easy it’d be to win…and then he’d get in the ring and make beating his opponent look like a breeze. Conor Mcgregor earned the loyalty of millions of fans because he’d dominate his opponents in and out of the ring. Those that watch Mcgregor promotions and weigh ins can usually expect a verbal slaughtering to occur.

“He said why you talking shit?”

“Or What? You gonna do something over there? Shut yo fookin Mouth.”

I am not even the biggest Mcgregor fan. He’s the guy I pull for in UFC of course, but that’s because his story line is a lot of what keeps UFC relevant. People wouldn’t care nearly as much if the Notorious wasn’t stirring things up for the sport. Trash talking, and backing it up, can literally affect the entire sport:

I mean, not only did Mcgregor make Alvarez look bad, he made himself look like the Michael Jordan of his sport. I mean, with that win, McGregor was the first ever UFC fighter to hold two championship belts in two different weight classes. The fact that he changed weight classes to fight Alvarez and made beating Alvarez look easy reaffirmed his complete dominance over the sport.

That’s what happened here tonight. Von Miller of the Broncos has been the story around the NFL this week as he threw a little shade at their Arizonian opponents. To clarify, Specifically chose the word “shade” since Arizona is notoriously sunny, dry, and hot. At least my pen pal thinks I am funny. We always joke about how his handwriting reminds me of my Dad’s.

When Von Miller was asked if the game Arizona was a “must-win,” the Vonster from your nightmares replied that Denver was, “gonna kick (the Cardinals) ass.” And that is exactly what they did…especially on defense. Screenshot (66).png

Considering Von Miller is the captain of the defense, he really needed his boys to smack the Cardinals and fulfill his promise. Five forced turnovers in a 45-10 win? I wouldn’t classify that as kicking their ass, I’d classify that as swinging a Round-house at their butt holes.

Just like every good trash talker ever, the Cardinals looked abysmal, and the Broncos looked fierce. Before this week, everyone wrote off the Broncos with the expectation that another shitty year is coming their way. After bending over Arizona, Troy Aikman and Joe Buck had a conversation about them making the playoffs. Quite a turn around in reputation from another losing season to playoff bound.

But you have to ask yourself, are the Broncos really that good? Or are the Cardinals just that bad? I’d argue the Cardinals are that bad. They’re led by a cocky rookie that buckles under any type of pocket pressure and is clearly not ready to be a starting quarterback. Rose was once considered the clear top quarterback coming out of the draft–a quarterback good enough to publicly reject Cleveland from drafting him. Who’da thunk that he’d be playing the worst behind Baker Mayfield, Josh Allen, and Sam Darnold?

Oh yeah, I did.

Entertainment, Sports

Brown’s 21-17 Win Over Jet’s Solidifies that Cleveland Fan-Base Sucks, Arguably the Worst Fans in All Sports

Cleveland sports are often associated with misery, gloominess, loss, and a general feeling of depression. Why is it that everytime we picture Cleveland sports, there’s always a cloudy sky? Even though the Cavaliers play inside at Quicken Loans Arena, isn’t it still somehow god damn cloudy?

Brown’s fans are rejoicing for their first win in 20 games. You’d think the Brown’s won a lottery that they all chipped in for so they could buy decent players.If any other fan’s talked the way Brown’s fan’s are, people would be squashing their happiness with shit-talk. Internet trolls work fast. browns-fans-after-week-2-onflmeme-broluns-browns-fans-now-18355354

However, this isn’t happening withe Browns. And If you express how you think Brown’s fans are over-celebrating and over-estimating how big of a feat their first win is to  any football fan, they’ll respond with, “Oh come on. They’ve had such bad luck for so long– they deserve it.” They deserve it? Why? For being disloyal to their team? Just because you root for a team that’s been brutally mismanaged by its owners for years doesn’t entitle you to jack shit. Cry about it.

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Is it because you spent $200 on that mask just to cheer for an 0-16 season?

First of all, with the way Brown’s fan’s are celebrating their win, you’d think the Son of God reincarnated himself to return as the Brown’s starting quarterback, while Satan and his demons ran the defense.

Ok relax dog pound. One single game was won. One. Against the Jets. I know that there can sometimes be “get over the hump” effect where it might feel really hard to get that first win, and once that win comes the W’s start rolling, but get realistic. It’s been one win. You know who else has 1 win in the NFL’s opening 3-weeks? The Jets. Boom. Need I say more?

The Brown’s getting their first W against the Jet’s is like losing your virginity to a hired hooker. Yes, you technically got what you wanted, but do you really want that to be your first?

Secondly, Brown’s fans are just the most disrespectful fans in the game. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around how disrespectful Brown’s fans are for their team.

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This is something that a fanbase of opposing team’s do. I think the eagles did something like this during for their opponents in Minnesota during the playoffs last year.

AP STEELERS BROWNS FOOTBALL S FBN USA OH

Why would the player’s even want to win for fans that are so disrespectful to them?

After all this, the Brown’s organization recognized that their fan-base has sort of given up on hoping for win’s. The fan’s stop rooting for their team, and game attendance declined.

The Brown’s organization had to incentivize their fans to come to their games, get fans rooting for the Brown’s again. The Cleveland Brown’s now have their famous “beer-prize.” Everytime Cleveland gets a win, bud light fridges all over the CITY open up and free beer is given to the fans. Literally the city is supplied with beer for a giant party.

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Loyal fans would agree with me that nothing keeps you from rooting for your team. Additionally, loyal fans would never not go to a game just because their team sucks. Even if they are so bad that it’ almost a guaranteed loss, loyal fans go to the game no matter what–even if the game doesn’t even matter in the long run. Brown’s fans were disloyal and abandoned ship, only to come back when the organization literally begged the fans to root for them again by promising free beer with every win. No matter how much a team may struggle, you’ll never see a team from the NFC East beg their fans to attend with free beer. Thick and thin.

Football stadiums stop serving alcohol early in the 3rd quarter to help ensure that no one can buy alcohol too close to possibly operating a car. I guess Cleveland promotes drunk  driving:

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Hmmm…nothing about DD’s or DWI’s here.

Oh, here’s another thing: CLEVELAND SPORTS ARE GOOD. We just think they suck because the brown’s spread their Brown loser-spray all over the Cavalier’s and Indians. The loser Brown’s lump all of Cleveland’s teams together and label the city as losers. But in recent years, the Cavs and Indians have been really fucking good (not for long though Cavs…LeBye James).

The Brown’s are like a blackhole. Blackholes have a gravitational pull so strong that light cannot escape from it. The Brown’s have the same effect on all of Cleveland’s sports…their near winless seasons each year cause a darkness of losing with a pull so strong that Wins cannot escape the gravity of something like a repugnant Brown 0-16 season. We call this the Brown-Hole (sometimes it’s sort of pinkish for people with fairer skin).

The atrocity of the Brown’s is mentioned so often that we associate Cleveland with losing–our first reaction to “Cleveland Sports” is “bad, winless sports.” However, if you remove the black hole from an area in Space, you’d be able to see the light in it. Similarly, if you remove the Brown-hole from Cleveland, you’d be able to see that the other Cleveland teams are actually good.

The Cavs literally just won an NBA title in 2016 and have gone to the NBA finals the last 4 seasons (every year since 2014).The Cleveland Indians went to the World Series two seasons ago in 2016, and went to the ALDS last year. If you have three major sports teams in your city, and two of them go to the playoffs and finals every season–one of which just won a finals title–your city is one of the winnin-gest cities of major sports in the country.

Quit your whining, Cleveland. No other city throws temper tantrums every time their team goes through a drought of sucking.

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too bad brown’s fans are on naughty list!

The Chicago Cubs didn’t win a World Series until they smacked the Indians in 2016. I wonder…if they lost, would Chicago parade for their World Series drought? Or boycott games because, hey, what’s the point? They won’t win the World Series anyway. Guess we’ll never know because the Mistake on the Lake screwed the pooch with that one.

Stop babying Brown’s fans. They love their “woe is me” identity they’ve created for themselves so you feel bad for them. Yet, the reality is, many cities have it worse. Leave the weak behind. Put Brown’s fans in the dirt. Flush them down the toilet where they belong (If it’s brown, flush it down).

Can you imagine being a Phoenix/Arizona sports fan and rooting for these brutally dismal teams?

  • NFL—Arizona Cardinals
  • NBA—Phoenix Suns
  • MLBArizona Diamondbacks
  • NHLArizona Coyotes

GET UP OUT THE DESERT IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT.

Entertainment, Sports, Video Games

Video Gamers are the Future Popular Kids, Athletes Bound to become Nerds (AKA eSports are on the Uprise)

Good news gaming nerds, it’s time you get some of the sweet glory that the popular athletes get.

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The eEra of eSports is upon us. If you follow the surprisingly massive video-gaming world, you already knew that. But to the future athletic jabroni’s that don’t, you best e-dapt (HA! spelling puns). Ever wonder why it’s spelled Evolution?  Move over you nerdy 225-pound middle-linebacker little bitch and make way for the below average sized man with disproportionately large thumbs on campus. You can beat us up in the real world, but if you have the balls to 1v1 me at Rust in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, we’ll fuck your shit up until you rage quit. Come at my Xbox online avatar, bro (there were a lot of curse words there because I wasn’t smart enough to come up with any other jokes. Weak eOpening, I eAdmit).

Jokes aside, eSports leagues shouldn’t be something you just brush off anymore. In 2017, the video game production company Blizzard began their Overwatch eSports league. The Overwatch league is unique to eSports in that it’s structure is mimics the other major sports in the U.S. Teams go head to head, 6 v 6, play one game (Overwatch), and have regular and post season play. eSport leagues have typically been more of a promotional function, advertising the newest game or feature or whatever. Overwatch only plays Overwtach, just like football players don’t play baseball. Looking at you Tebow.

As an obnoxiously impatient person, I cannot stand watching friends play video games. I’m comparable to a selfish child. Often, I find myself yelling, “LET ME PLAY OR I WILL GIVE YOU CANCER.” That usually works. Hey kids, if you ever want something from your parents, this is usually an effective threat to go with.

In any case, watching your friends suck lard at literally any game is excruciatingly boring. I was one of the many people that doubted the sustainability of an eSports league like the Overwatch league, but hey, if you can sit through 9-innings of baseball, you can sit through anything (side note, how does anyone watch almost every game of their baseball team?…how can anyone watch scoreless baseball?…Lastly, does baseball cause cancer? Probably not, but there’s an argument somewhere in there.)

Image result for tebow crying gif

 

 

Don’t cry because it’s over, young Timothy, cry because you have to switch to baseball in a few years.

 

 

You gotta admit, the way they set up the eSports arena looks sick. The lights alone made me go from 6 to midnight.

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This Overwatch league is making paper (probably not in cash though…it’s electronic these days. Cant you just hear the old bastards saying ‘Sports? Cash? What’s next… Communism?’ ). Blizzard sold 12 teams at $20 million a piece, owned by Entrepreneurs from cities all over the world…A quarter of a billion is not a bad start.  Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots, shelled out a crisp 20 for his very own Boston based team of button pushing powerhouse players, AKA the Boston Uprising (peep the blog title). Other notable team owners are:

Kroenke Sports & Entertainment, owners of the LA Rams, Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche, Arsenal F.C., and now Overwatch League’s LA Gladiators.

Sterling VC, Venture Capital Company of the New York Mets (shout out Tebow yet again) and now the New York Excelsior.

Comcast Spectacor, Owner of the Philadelphia Flyers and now the Philidelphia Fusion.

NRG eSports— you probably don’t know them because they don’t own a major U.S. sports team but they DID invent the most popular game in the world right now FORTNITE and now own the San Francisco Shock.

With the Nuggest, Flyers, Avalanche, and Mets pulling in a crisp $100 per year, it’s no suprise that these companies jumped at the opportunity for some revenue.

ESPN estimates that the prices of teams sold in 2018 will rise to between $30-60 million each, completing the league with around 28 teams. If they sell the remaining 16 team spots for $60 million each, they’ll add $960 million to their Overwatch wallets. And even if they only sell sell the remaining 16 spots at 30 million each, they’ll rake . in a cute little $480 million. Big thumbs, big wallets, big tuna (shout out to the video game ePisode of The Office and Andy’s creation of Jim’s nickname ‘big tuna’… good times).

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Additionally, the league has interest from sponsors already, thwarting any fer of generating revenue over a long term basis. They’ve sold over $100 million in advertising and broadcasting rights to T-Mobile, Toyota Motor, Intel, HP, and Sour Patch Kids.

To top it off, the eSports audience is rapidly expanding. It is expected to have about 557 million fans worldwide by 2021. The league is easily going to clear a billion dollars in revenue, possibly reach multi-billion dollar status. The hot debate is….will eSport gamers have to get out of their chairs and stand for the anthem, remain seated, or kneel down to protest (KIDDING! Let’s not open that wildly unstable jar of explosives).

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Here’s a little reference for you to see the size of the arena’s that eSports are selling out.

Please watch over KillerTakes over watch of Overwatch for more news about our Overwatch League watch over and the Overwatch watchers and Overwatch watch-overers.

Signing off so I can sign on to play live. I need to practice for the league…I want to get ED (eDrafted, of course). Joke in title was just about Boston’s team name being the gerund form of the word “uprise,” however, I would have LOVED the name the “SF Shockers.” Their tagline could be, “every Shocker fan knows, two on the joysticks, one in the D-pad,” an obvious homage to the 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink shocker style of foreplay (would have been a great play on of words..forEplay…I am PISSED).

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Health and Lifestyle, Sports

PawSox (RedSox Triple-A team) Won’t Let Your “Evil” Child Into Upcoming Games if They’re Named Austin or Tyler

 

PawSox depicting the Yankees as the most powerful weapon in the universe…quite the move

“This, of course, references last week’s benches-clearing fracas between the Red Sox and Yankees that involved Joe Kelly and Tyler Austin. Austin slid hard into second base, which upset Brock Holt. The benches emptied as the two jawed at each other, but no punches were thrown. Later in the game, Kelly threw at Austin and the benches emptied again. Punches were thrown this time and both players were given suspensions.“– KillerTakes Via Yahoo! via NBC Sports via Bill Bauer via PawSox.

This is just a weird move. I get it’s a promotional move to aid in reviving the Yankees, Red Sox Rivalry, but come on….everyone knows what you’re doing.

Do you really think any Yankees or Red sos are going to give a shit whether or not they go to this game? At most they lose 20 bucks. “What a minor inconvenience, I might have to go tomorrow.”

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When you’re 1,000 years old and try to appeal to millennial online.

 

 

 

 

The way I see it, the PawSox could either go through with it or not. And if they do go through with it, are they checking ID’s? What if my 3 month year old baby was named Austin or Tyler…should I just stuff him in a locker until after the game? Leave him in the car? Toss him and adopt another?

“Self-Identifying” is such a specific phrase that it makes me believe they’re just going to ask everyone what their name is. When my little brother was 2, he really didn’t understand anything but his own name. It’s all he’d say when you spoke to him. What are you going to do then? If I just say my name Is Joe, do I get in for free? basically free admission except for my 3 year-old son?

I really hope this was a marketing intern… otherwise, the PawSox might want to consider hiring someone with a brain.

(Shout out to Smitty at BarstoolSports for the scarecrow reference).

Obviously my article title is misleading. You know what else is misleading?

Any fast food advertisement. Or literally any article title. Pick out any story ever and you can spin it to bash them.

Screen Shot 2018-04-20 at 9.03.30 AMPictured definitely isn’t Arby’s. You know what? This piece of shit with two pieces of bread and is Arby’s. I welcome the lawsuit. Arby’s consists of actual poop, cheese, bread, and a guy yelling stuff at you in the commercials. Come at me, Barby’s. I want you. Or does Barby’s not have the meats for it?

 

 

General Humor, Sports

Did Luis Perdomo Just become the Biggest Coward In All of Sports?

You don’t normally here “We got a runner on the mound.” Cant imagine how much of a little pre-teen he’ll feel like when he’s sitting on the bench watching the game he is suspended in….I suggest he just throw some booze in his mitt and call it a day. Though I am pretty sure this isn’t gonna work for Perdomo because “hard liquor makes him gag too much.” Twisted Teas and little pee pee’s: The rise and fall of Betas.

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After game of duck-duck goose, the benches cleared during the Rockies-Padres game yesterday. Padres pitcher Luis Perdomo threw a pitch behind Rockies Nolan Arenado, after some escalating tension in the series. Without hesitation, Arenado went after him, but Perdomo clearly had no intention of fighting.

Heres the live, unedited footage. We we’re even able to here what Arenado was yelling at him on the field:

 

 

If you are an athlete and shy away from a fight like Perdomo, you really should be playing a different position: either 6-feet under the ground after Arenado kills you, or you should be bent over biting the covers to cope with the pain. Because that’s what you basically did.

And then only reason the fight went on for a decent amount of time is because Arenado has loyal as shit teammates…dude got the hell out of the middle as fast as he could, circled at the end of the video. Don’t try and throw a shot if you can’t catch one, Perdomo.

8.3/10 on the initial juke though. I’d say he should’ve been a football player but he might accidentally get a bruise.