Entertainment, Men's Health, Uncategorized

20-year Study finds link between Forehead Wrinkles and Heart disease–A List of Celebs Who Should go to the Cardiologist

These French Scientist’s just made half of the world panic when their 20 year study found that prominent forehead wrinkles is tell-tale sign for cardiovascular disease.

So yeah, thanks for making everyone ever think they’re going die soon, assholes.

Anyway, here’s a list of celbrities who should maybe go to the cardiologist for a well-visit.

Mark Wahlberg

All I can say is jesus christ Mark Mark. If you he anymore confused or suprised or anything that will kae his forehead scrunch, he’ll  have a heart attack on the spot.

I mean damn, the indents on that thing make the space between his eyes look like a hot dog bun.


Marky Marks-All-Over-His-forehead


Michael Madsen (Actor from resoivoir dogs, more recently Hateful Eight

Um…ew? The fuck is going on above that right eyebrow?


Hugh Laurie— AKA house.






House is really the only thing anyone knows him for, yet no one knows why they called him house. Rumors have speculated that it is because many long and straight wrinkles on his forehead look remarkably similar to the exterior lining of a house


Pictured here is a trendy new style of living space called a “Micro-house,” or coloquially “Hugh Laurie’s Disgusting Forehead.”




Sean Penn





Is he okay?

Did he already have a heart attack or stroke?





Mel Gibson





Braveheart or diseased heart?



“This Anti-semite needs anti-wrinkle cream!!!!!” I audibly exclaimed.





Chef Gordon Ramsay


Yeah no shit he’ll have heart disease….Remember when Ramsay used to scream at the top of his lungs at the chef’s on Hell’s Kitchen? He probably has arteries so hardened that they’re made of concrete.


Lebron James


Cleveland fans argue that Lebron James has no heart since he walked out on Cleveland for a second time. Does the correlation between forehead wrinkles and cardiovascular disease still work if you dont have a pumping ticker (and the relative circulatory system).

Trendy jokes aside, Lebron’s forehead resembles a multi-laned turnpike.

Cleavage (noun) is defined as “a sharp division; a split.” Unforuntely, I am not smart enough to come up with a respectable joke that links the word “Cleavage” with “Cleveland” and his forehead wrinkles, but I will say this: I can and will start referring to Lebron as cleavage face.

Tommy Lee JonesTommy-Lee-Jones

While our country cannot thank him enough for the many times Tommy Lee has put his life on the line to save all of Earth in Men In Black, this ain’t no country for old men. You can’t have a forehead that resembles one of the very aliens in your line of work:




Steve Buscemisteve-buscemi

Steve Buscemi is truly ana amazing person and talented, multi-faceted actor.  I hate that he made this list and I hate that I am quoting wikipedia for this fact beause I was too lazy to think of a summary for it but,

“Buscemi was a New York City firefighter from 1980 to 1984, with Engine Company No. 55, in the Little Italy section of New York. The day after the 9/11 attacks in New York, he returned to his old firehouse to volunteer: he worked twelve-hour shifts for a week, and dug through rubble looking for missing firefighters.”


That being said, Buscemi was probably born with wrinkles on his face. Stinks too because Buscemi could play any role perfectly,

except for…ya know…a role that requires a good looking male.



Sean Bean


Ned Stark’s wrinkles really arent that bad, but that initial concave basin that goes fom his eyesbrows to the first crease is mesmorizing. Bean must have to dry that thing out after a shower so it doesnt get moldy.


Russel Crowe


People typically wrinkles around your eyes (also known as “laughing wrinkles”) as “Crow’s feet. We should start calling the wrinkles on your forehead “Crow’s forehead.”


Or not, it was just a suggestion.


Goerge Clooney


We now invite every other 50-60 year old that grew up, had kids, and worked a hard, boring life at a cublicle to join us in laughing at Goerge Clooney.

Heart disease is what you get for being single all your life and being a movie star and partyign and enjoying all the finer things (AKA any model he wants). We are happy that there will be one consequence to the amazing life that most midlife men envied, and you enjoyed.

Fuck you Clooney,  have fun with your terrible circulation.



Robert Deniro


Humor me and picture Robert Deniro saying this in one of his organized crime role voices:

“Who do ya think ya talking to, Huh? I got wrinkles on my face? Huh? Who the fuck do you think you talkin’ to here, huh?”


Deniro spawned a 55+ year career off of his famous scrunched forehead and raised eyebrow look. Dead ass this man has been acting since 1963. 55 years of doing anything is gonna leave a little wear and “tear”….. too bad that the thing he’ll “tear” is his thoracic aorta.




Final Note

Yours truly is a lover of all women  of all types. Out of respect for the beautiful babes, in addition to my sister and mother,  I chose not include any women in this article. No need for the hate-shaming on them, you know (plus most female celebrities got that shit smoothed out by botox anyway lol).

Keeping that in mind, I jsut have to include Reese Witherspoon’s forhead hoping that someone can tell me what. in. the. fucking. hell. is. with. the. smooth. part. above. her. eyebrows.?

Reese Witherspoon



I’m sorry but somebody somewhere made a mistake. Whether it’s god,  her plastic surgeon, her makeup person, someone slipping  her botox while she sleeps, etc., someone is doing something incorrectly on this woman’s forehead.



Entertainment, TV

Other TV Series Will Finally have a Fighting Chance as Game of Thrones Will Not be Eligible for the 2019 Emmy’s

Most blogs about TV shows, movies, books, porn, etc., begin the blog by telling the reader what the thing they’re writing about is. But if you need someone to explain what Game of Thrones is to you in 2018 you might want to just check into a psych ward because you’re too far gone.

The last season of thrones was supposed to be released in April of 2019, but the people on the opposite end of the spectrum (compared to the people that have never heard of thrones) figured out that GoT would be released a bit later than most expect. In an interview with HuffingtonPost, Joseph Bauer, who is GoT’s visual effects supervisor, said that the show will be eligible for the 2020 Emmy’s because they expect most of the shows (six) to be aired after May 31st of 2019.

images (1)



For once, Thrones won’t win every category. Maybe one of bazillion dog-shit Netflix Originals will get some sunlight. The Emmy’s should put “Friends from College,” up there in a category called, “Zaniest Series that Best Resembles the After-product of a Laxative Overdose.”

But yeah, everything from June 26th to May 31st will be considered for the 2019 Emmy’s, and from June on is 2020 territory.

The 2019 Emmy’s are now one of the most anticipated events since seal team six fucked bin laden. The 2020 Emmy’s will be a wash. SPOILER: GoT win’s every category, even Zaniest Series that Best Resembles the After-product of a Laxative Overdose.

Does anyone really even care about having the watch the first episode of thrones a month later? It’s one thing if the entire season was released int eh same say so you could binge watch the whole thing in one night. But nothing really changse with the later release. Don’t you remember when you watched the last episode of season 7, don’t you remeber thinking, “damn.. the final season is so far away that it feels like it’ll just never come out.”

What fans should truly be worried about is real life Jobba the Hut making it to the release of the final season so we know what happens is exactly how Goerge R.R. Martin intended. God forbid that the writers and producers of GoT actually contribute any work at all.

Plus, I am 110% sure that the Night King is to win it all, ending humanity for a new, more advanced species to survive as the reigning creatures on Earth. Because unless human’s prove themselves as the peak of evolution, theoretically we’d reign on earth until Earth’s destruction. However, if another species came along and it was more evolved and adapted to thrive as the strongest species, in theory, they’d eventually out-populate humans and take control.

And G.R.R.M. is super into history and it;s ability to repeat itself, plus he has a boner for doing the exact opposite of what his fans want to see. See below.


I didn’t proofread this. I Told my editor to do it, but he didn’t feel like it (lmao I am my own editor).

Entertainment, Movies, Social

Jealous Husband didn’t want wife Taking Photo with Jason Momoa (AKA Khal Drogo and Aquaman); the Resulting Photo Tells you Why

The end result is a photo of Jason Momoa and the couple. It’s just a little bit funnier than that.


I mean what can you do if you’re the husband. You cant continue to be jealous because it’s god damn Jason Momoa. What are you going to do… fight him? Ok go for it. Have fun against this dude:

Image result for dothraki burn body khal

If this face was looking at me on the other side of the ring, I’d literally just say nah fuck that and just immediately kill myself. He is literally so ripped he is a superhero (that being said, not the coolest superhero, but I am waiting with hope that my mind will be changed when Aquaman comes out in December).

Image result for aquaman

Jesus. The assumption here is that the husband was playing along for a funny photo, right? I truly hope so. I cant imagine that this guy has any confidence as a husband for the rest of his life knowing that Aquaman embarrassed this man into a grave that read “Here lies the first beta to be alpha’d to death.”

But an autograph written over the husband’s face? Talk about beating a dead horse. One can only wonder if the Great Khal gave the man an honorable Dothraki funeral by burning his body after this savage murder.

Again,  there is not much you can do here as the husband. I think most men in the world would submit to doing whatever the hell this man instructed:

General Humor, opinion, Social

Ever Wondered if Someone was Truly a ‘weirdo?’ Their Response to This Question will tell you Whether or Not they Are Cause for Concern

So I am pretty sure I just figured out a damn life hack formula. You know how there are some people who you just get along with…maybe they aren’t perfect, but after a conversation or two, you think, “he’s pretty normal…I could see myself being friends with that guy.” You think no more no less, just that he seems like an alright dude.
Screen Shot 2018-06-15 at 7.20.25 PM

Then there are the people that you have one conversation and instantly realize that there is no way you’d ever be friends with this guy, and that you’ll tolerate said person if you absolutely must, but that’s it. He gives you the skeeves and is comfortable staring at you in silence… yeah that guy is someone you are going to try and have minimal contact with.

Screen Shot 2018-06-15 at 7.21.41 PM

Then there is the guy who you really aren’t sure if you could see yourself being friends with them. You know, the guy who is a coworker who looks normal because he’s always wearing sports gear and never wears a bowtie. He’s similar age to you so everyone in the office sort of expects you to become best friends and eat every lunch together, but something about him makes the situation really awkward. He is on the quieter side and seems like he’s smarter than he is dumber, but his brain is probably has a 60-40% ratio of smart parts to dumb parts. He says things at times that can be really funny, other times he doesn’t respond, and other times you don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.

So is he normal enough to be friends in the real world, or just a little too off to be anything more than friendly coworkers? Here is what you do:

Next time he or she is giving an unpopular thought, opinion, talking about a strange theory they have, or even something small like an organizational preference that most would find to be abnormal behavior–respond to them with this simple question:

“You’re kind of a weird guy, huh Cole?”

And their response is crucial. I formulated this theory after I witnessed someone ask that very question to a coworker, and the response was enlightening. I have heard people pose that query in a playful and teasing manner, and have never heard the response like today.

Normal– A normal guy will either laugh, or respond in a way where he or she steers into the skid, embracing their weirdness. They are comfortable being hypothetically weird as they know they are not, and aren’t self conscious about it. You’ll probably get a response like, “oh I am so weird…you don’t even know the half of it.”

Screen Shot 2018-06-15 at 7.23.31 PM

Weirdo– Like the coworker did today, the weirdo man will either  be taken back at the question, or immediately try and defend himself. Today, my coworker responded to that question with, “What? Look, I am a normal guy, but just because I have a few weird habits and like my desk a certain way, does that suddenly make me some freak?” Uh yes.

The weird guy minds being called weird because he knows deep down inside that he does some strange things, so he defends himself to change your mind. The normal person won’t care, and almost takes pride in his quirky hobbies. Stay on the look out folks. But ti was just bizarre. Who defends themselves like that? We are all weird, it’s actually more abnormal for you to be completely normal. Clearly, the weirdo in this situation is self conscious about other people finding out of his abnormalities and thinks about it often.

Screen Shot 2018-06-15 at 7.38.02 PM

It’s simple psychology backed by absolutely no evidence and zero wikipedia research.  even type it into the google search bar built into my mac. Just pure scientific, factual, educated-guess theory.

CONSPIRACY ALERT: A reader believes that I was actually the weirdo in this scenario and defended myself when a coworker posed that question. The reader clams that he or she believes that I was asked if I was a weirdo, and when I floundered under pressure, I thought to myself, ‘wow, that is a really good way of finding out if someone is a freak or not.’ I would like to dispel these rumors NOW as Fake News! It’s the deplorables at it again! Trump jokes aside, the conspiracy is not true, nor is the story at all. It’s entirely hypothetical, basically to explain that, if ask a weirdo if they are one, they’ll defend themselves. If they are not, they really won’t care about your rude and intrusive question. I am NOT A WEIRDO, SO PLEASE STOP SENDING ME THOSE LETTERS WHOEVER YOU ARE.

Drop the true weirdos for the people willing to claim they are weirdos, because they are not really weirdos #IntentionallyWeirdSentence.



“Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.”
Entertainment, Sports, Video Games

Video Gamers are the Future Popular Kids, Athletes Bound to become Nerds (AKA eSports are on the Uprise)

Good news gaming nerds, it’s time you get some of the sweet glory that the popular athletes get.

images (1)

The eEra of eSports is upon us. If you follow the surprisingly massive video-gaming world, you already knew that. But to the future athletic jabroni’s that don’t, you best e-dapt (HA! spelling puns). Ever wonder why it’s spelled Evolution?  Move over you nerdy 225-pound middle-linebacker little bitch and make way for the below average sized man with disproportionately large thumbs on campus. You can beat us up in the real world, but if you have the balls to 1v1 me at Rust in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, we’ll fuck your shit up until you rage quit. Come at my Xbox online avatar, bro (there were a lot of curse words there because I wasn’t smart enough to come up with any other jokes. Weak eOpening, I eAdmit).

Jokes aside, eSports leagues shouldn’t be something you just brush off anymore. In 2017, the video game production company Blizzard began their Overwatch eSports league. The Overwatch league is unique to eSports in that it’s structure is mimics the other major sports in the U.S. Teams go head to head, 6 v 6, play one game (Overwatch), and have regular and post season play. eSport leagues have typically been more of a promotional function, advertising the newest game or feature or whatever. Overwatch only plays Overwtach, just like football players don’t play baseball. Looking at you Tebow.

As an obnoxiously impatient person, I cannot stand watching friends play video games. I’m comparable to a selfish child. Often, I find myself yelling, “LET ME PLAY OR I WILL GIVE YOU CANCER.” That usually works. Hey kids, if you ever want something from your parents, this is usually an effective threat to go with.

In any case, watching your friends suck lard at literally any game is excruciatingly boring. I was one of the many people that doubted the sustainability of an eSports league like the Overwatch league, but hey, if you can sit through 9-innings of baseball, you can sit through anything (side note, how does anyone watch almost every game of their baseball team?…how can anyone watch scoreless baseball?…Lastly, does baseball cause cancer? Probably not, but there’s an argument somewhere in there.)

Image result for tebow crying gif



Don’t cry because it’s over, young Timothy, cry because you have to switch to baseball in a few years.



You gotta admit, the way they set up the eSports arena looks sick. The lights alone made me go from 6 to midnight.


This Overwatch league is making paper (probably not in cash though…it’s electronic these days. Cant you just hear the old bastards saying ‘Sports? Cash? What’s next… Communism?’ ). Blizzard sold 12 teams at $20 million a piece, owned by Entrepreneurs from cities all over the world…A quarter of a billion is not a bad start.  Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots, shelled out a crisp 20 for his very own Boston based team of button pushing powerhouse players, AKA the Boston Uprising (peep the blog title). Other notable team owners are:

Kroenke Sports & Entertainment, owners of the LA Rams, Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche, Arsenal F.C., and now Overwatch League’s LA Gladiators.

Sterling VC, Venture Capital Company of the New York Mets (shout out Tebow yet again) and now the New York Excelsior.

Comcast Spectacor, Owner of the Philadelphia Flyers and now the Philidelphia Fusion.

NRG eSports— you probably don’t know them because they don’t own a major U.S. sports team but they DID invent the most popular game in the world right now FORTNITE and now own the San Francisco Shock.

With the Nuggest, Flyers, Avalanche, and Mets pulling in a crisp $100 per year, it’s no suprise that these companies jumped at the opportunity for some revenue.

ESPN estimates that the prices of teams sold in 2018 will rise to between $30-60 million each, completing the league with around 28 teams. If they sell the remaining 16 team spots for $60 million each, they’ll add $960 million to their Overwatch wallets. And even if they only sell sell the remaining 16 spots at 30 million each, they’ll rake . in a cute little $480 million. Big thumbs, big wallets, big tuna (shout out to the video game ePisode of The Office and Andy’s creation of Jim’s nickname ‘big tuna’… good times).


Additionally, the league has interest from sponsors already, thwarting any fer of generating revenue over a long term basis. They’ve sold over $100 million in advertising and broadcasting rights to T-Mobile, Toyota Motor, Intel, HP, and Sour Patch Kids.

To top it off, the eSports audience is rapidly expanding. It is expected to have about 557 million fans worldwide by 2021. The league is easily going to clear a billion dollars in revenue, possibly reach multi-billion dollar status. The hot debate is….will eSport gamers have to get out of their chairs and stand for the anthem, remain seated, or kneel down to protest (KIDDING! Let’s not open that wildly unstable jar of explosives).

Here’s a little reference for you to see the size of the arena’s that eSports are selling out.

Please watch over KillerTakes over watch of Overwatch for more news about our Overwatch League watch over and the Overwatch watchers and Overwatch watch-overers.

Signing off so I can sign on to play live. I need to practice for the league…I want to get ED (eDrafted, of course). Joke in title was just about Boston’s team name being the gerund form of the word “uprise,” however, I would have LOVED the name the “SF Shockers.” Their tagline could be, “every Shocker fan knows, two on the joysticks, one in the D-pad,” an obvious homage to the 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink shocker style of foreplay (would have been a great play on of words..forEplay…I am PISSED).

Laughable News, School and Education

Holmdel Highschool Catches SuperIntendent Defecating on Track and Field, quickly nicknamed ‘Principal Pooper.’

Every high school has to deal with their shit on a daily basis. However, no school has ever had as shitty of a problem than that of Jersey’s Holmdel High School.

Some poor high school custodian recently had the shitty job of cleaning up human feces from the school’s track and field area, DAILY. This is the first time that a Highschool wished its residents would stop giving a shit.


Apparently, the pooper had very healthy diet as this shit happened daily. Eventually, the school had to force their post-poop, washed hand and notify the authorities.

When Shit Hit The Fan:

Police caught the SOB in the middle of the act during surveillance of school grounds. In rapid excretion of information, the cunning crapper (AKA the devious dumper), is none another than Kenilworth’s District Superintendent. Sources say that Thomas Tramaglini, 42,  would’ve pooped his pants if he had anything left.


Apparently, Tramaglini shouted, “oh shit!” when authorities tried to subdue him. Unfortunately for the Superintendent, he didn’t have the runs and couldn’t get way. While cuffing him, he reportedly asked, “are you shitting me?” The police we’re constipated with confusion.

Screen Shot 2018-05-03 at 6.55.27 PM


Tramaglini feces charges on Monday in court. Hopefully the court does not intend on dropping the (dis)charges. Tramaglini is taking a leave of absence from his office as superintendent, similar to the leave of absence his copious poops have taken from his body.

Though the arrest was made on Monday, media across New Jersey collectively chose to release the information today: Turdsday May 3rd, 2018.

Tramaglini’s reasoning for his mischievous manure is unknown, but his resolve is unquestionable. Many of us are dying to know why, but it looks like we’re shit-out-of-luck until until Dungday, May 7th.

However, some believe that Tramaglini was just running around the track and field and needed to poop during his morning workout as he lives three miles from Holmdel High School. And I think we’ve all been there–you know, jogging and suddenly needing to poop.

Before you are quick to judge, here are my favorite emergency excretions from movies, lest we forget how randomly and traumatically they onset. The Principal Pooper just may have a case yet.



Dating, Romance

LADIES: Here is The Perfect Tinder or Bumble Bio











….That’s it. Nothing. You literally don’t need a bio. Just get on there and you can have your choice of literally any horny horn-dog of a guy. It’s honestly that easy.


I’m straight up not joking. For women, the best bio is no bio at all. For men…make it, “does this napkin smell like chloroform?” That will go over well. Rape jokes are always funny. They always work.


It was a short blog, but the most honest ones always are. Good luck and good-swiping, ladies.

Health and Lifestyle, You’re being lied

Overweight North Americans: Here is Why You Should Stay Fat for Your Health

If you live in North America, chances are that you’ve at the bare minimum atleast considered dieting. Even if you are naturally thinner and don’t have a medical reason to diet—you probably have picked the McDonalds salad over the chicken nuggets once or twice (until one person somewhere told you the salads were more fattening and you decide to get the nuggets anyway).

If you’re thinking about a 3rd slice of cake that ‘you’re only considering because no one else is around and it’s going to rot in the fridge soon,’ get your gullet ready because ol’ KillerTakes has got some goodbad news for you. No, it’s not a good news, bad news situation. It’s good-bad news… This news is horrifying and tragic, but has a nice silver lining for the obese and repulsive populates, AKA most of our bloggers here at KillerTakes.

Untitled 4 copy 4123

The Continent of North America is known for exactly three infinity units of things

For example, this is my representation of North American’s Fatboy reputation using pictures of yours truly.

However, arguably the most disturbing of North American reputations  is its startling number of domestic, civilian mass murders.

Exclude from photo above is Mexico because they only have to deal with the cartel. Once they get that little issue out of the way they can be included.

On April 23rd, while I wallowed for my own self- tragedy, a REAL, horrifying tragedy occurred in Canada: “The Toronto van attack was a vehicle-ramming attack that occurred on April 23, 2018, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A man later identified as Alek Minassian allegedly drove a rented van at speed through the North York City Centre business district, deliberately targeting pedestrians, killing 10 and injuring 16, some critically,”–Wikipedia.

Min-ass-ian, wrote this on Facebook mere minutes before the attack:

(Via ABC via Facebook)


“The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!”

Some labelled the post as ‘cryptic’ and Zodiac Killer-esque, but a new culture of the internet has now been popularized.

An “Incel” is a slang term for someone who identifies as an “Involuntary Celibate.” Incel is literally short for “Inceldom,” which is apparently a real word. Wikipedia says that self-identifying Incels are almost entirely men.

zoolander confused


⇦You Trying to figure out where the f**k this article is going…

…same. It’ll probably all come together. I didn’t make an outline for this one


Elliot Rodger, the man Alek Minassian hails in his post, was the scum of the earth responsible for the 2014 Isla Vista Killings in California. Rodger identified as an Incel ad claimed the murders we’re out of hate for women in his manifesto. These Incel nine communities actually admire Elliot Rodgers.

Just to give you an idea of how much you should hate Elliot Rodgers, he wrote in his manifesto that he fantasizes about rounding up all the women and ‘gleefully’ watches them starve to death in concentration camps. I implore you to imagine your sister denying Rodger sex, and him having this even of hate for her in return. I implore you to do so. You’re implored. 

One of the major beliefs of the intel is in fatalism and defeatism for unattractive people, AKA unattractive people are destined to be defeated by virginity, never to achieve their penetrating, orgasmic goal of climax.

If there is truly an “Incel Rebellion” on the way, there is legitimate cause for concern when simply walking down the street… if you’re moderately attractive.

Watch this movie if you want to live. Then watch some more. Also, this movie is a classic stinker…a good-bad movie…not unlike this news.

If you’re a revolting blob and your right hand is bae, you can actually rest-easy. This is one health concern that you don’t need to worry about. In fact, attractive people might want to consider gaining weight and consider a diet that may actually do some good for their health. Take it from us, sitting on the couch watching Jersey Shore re-runs, blogging, while eating a breakfast Philly cheese steak you added to your dinner order the night before is the healthy alternative.

I am scared for the Adriana Lima’s, Jake Gylenhaal’s, and Derek Zoolander’s of the world. Really makes you think.


All the experts are saying that Incels are basically a-holes. Blend in to survive, baby.


Study Finds FDR’s Legacy is Full of Lies, Motion Made to Redefine the “Dirty 30s” as one of Dustbowls and Deceit. — The Academy of El Pres


Dear Americans, We try not to be political here, but we’ll scratch your back if you scratch ours. We must report this as a responsibility to American History (you all owe us now). You have been lied to by the President. No it’s not Trump. I am talking about THE PRESIDENT. FDR gave […]

via Study Finds FDR’s Legacy is Full of Lies, Motion Made to Redefine the “Dirty 30s” as one of Dustbowls and Deceit. — The Academy of El Pres

Health and Lifestyle, Sports

PawSox (RedSox Triple-A team) Won’t Let Your “Evil” Child Into Upcoming Games if They’re Named Austin or Tyler


PawSox depicting the Yankees as the most powerful weapon in the universe…quite the move

“This, of course, references last week’s benches-clearing fracas between the Red Sox and Yankees that involved Joe Kelly and Tyler Austin. Austin slid hard into second base, which upset Brock Holt. The benches emptied as the two jawed at each other, but no punches were thrown. Later in the game, Kelly threw at Austin and the benches emptied again. Punches were thrown this time and both players were given suspensions.“– KillerTakes Via Yahoo! via NBC Sports via Bill Bauer via PawSox.

This is just a weird move. I get it’s a promotional move to aid in reviving the Yankees, Red Sox Rivalry, but come on….everyone knows what you’re doing.

Do you really think any Yankees or Red sos are going to give a shit whether or not they go to this game? At most they lose 20 bucks. “What a minor inconvenience, I might have to go tomorrow.”

Screen Shot 2018-04-20 at 9.01.38 AM





When you’re 1,000 years old and try to appeal to millennial online.





The way I see it, the PawSox could either go through with it or not. And if they do go through with it, are they checking ID’s? What if my 3 month year old baby was named Austin or Tyler…should I just stuff him in a locker until after the game? Leave him in the car? Toss him and adopt another?

“Self-Identifying” is such a specific phrase that it makes me believe they’re just going to ask everyone what their name is. When my little brother was 2, he really didn’t understand anything but his own name. It’s all he’d say when you spoke to him. What are you going to do then? If I just say my name Is Joe, do I get in for free? basically free admission except for my 3 year-old son?

I really hope this was a marketing intern… otherwise, the PawSox might want to consider hiring someone with a brain.

(Shout out to Smitty at BarstoolSports for the scarecrow reference).

Obviously my article title is misleading. You know what else is misleading?

Any fast food advertisement. Or literally any article title. Pick out any story ever and you can spin it to bash them.

Screen Shot 2018-04-20 at 9.03.30 AMPictured definitely isn’t Arby’s. You know what? This piece of shit with two pieces of bread and is Arby’s. I welcome the lawsuit. Arby’s consists of actual poop, cheese, bread, and a guy yelling stuff at you in the commercials. Come at me, Barby’s. I want you. Or does Barby’s not have the meats for it?



General Humor, Sports

Did Luis Perdomo Just become the Biggest Coward In All of Sports?

You don’t normally here “We got a runner on the mound.” Cant imagine how much of a little pre-teen he’ll feel like when he’s sitting on the bench watching the game he is suspended in….I suggest he just throw some booze in his mitt and call it a day. Though I am pretty sure this isn’t gonna work for Perdomo because “hard liquor makes him gag too much.” Twisted Teas and little pee pee’s: The rise and fall of Betas.

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After game of duck-duck goose, the benches cleared during the Rockies-Padres game yesterday. Padres pitcher Luis Perdomo threw a pitch behind Rockies Nolan Arenado, after some escalating tension in the series. Without hesitation, Arenado went after him, but Perdomo clearly had no intention of fighting.

Heres the live, unedited footage. We we’re even able to here what Arenado was yelling at him on the field:



If you are an athlete and shy away from a fight like Perdomo, you really should be playing a different position: either 6-feet under the ground after Arenado kills you, or you should be bent over biting the covers to cope with the pain. Because that’s what you basically did.

And then only reason the fight went on for a decent amount of time is because Arenado has loyal as shit teammates…dude got the hell out of the middle as fast as he could, circled at the end of the video. Don’t try and throw a shot if you can’t catch one, Perdomo.

8.3/10 on the initial juke though. I’d say he should’ve been a football player but he might accidentally get a bruise.

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

DeadSpin CEO Canned After Receiving a Colossal BarstoolSports Beatdown

If you’ve seen any recent news of the two satirical blogs, you know that Barstool CEO Erika Nardini did an interview as a favor for her close friend at Univision, Deadspin’s parent company.

Nardini has been making her rounds discussing the inclusive culture at Barstool. Many have criticized barstool for being mysogonistic, which is a pointlessly big word for ‘sexist towards women.’ Nardini defends Barstool in these talks, and if you take one look at any of the women at Barstool’s tweets, you’ll find something about how much they love Barstool.


So when the Megan Greenwell–DeadSpin Editor-in-Chief–wrote an article about Nardini big-timing them by showing that she clearly has a closer relationship with DeadSpin’s parent company than DeadSpin ever will.


So you mean this woman, who obviously struggled to make all sorts of weird ass angles and faces to come up with this photo, attacked Barstool for actually treating women well, and when DeadSpin was proven wrong, tried to stir up some more stuff, saying Nardini’s interviews are “bullshit?”

Give me a break. Take one second to be authentic, stop taking swings at everyone when you know you’re wrong just so you can get some page views. You know why people from MTV’s reality show The Challenge don’t get asked to come back? Not because they don’t stir up fights, but because there are 30 contestants on the show, and it is so obvious when some no name newcomer  starts fighting with everyone just so they can get some camera-time. They aren’t authentic so no one likes them….you are that contestant: annoying, fighting, never going to win, and everyone hates you. Even the people that employ you.

We asked these guys how many beers it would take…this was their response. Comment what you think they’re saying, and you’ll win a prize.



Since then, the CEO of DeadSpin has been fired and reports have been made about DeadSpin going broke. I have to post this again:


Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Barstool President Beats the F**k Out of Piñata After Anger over Slow Pizza: A Reminder to Everyone To Bend the Knee or Be Destroyed

If you are gonna make El Pres wait for pizza for so long, he’s going to get mad. You can only poke the bear so many times until it wakes up.

Animal correspondent, Chocolate Cake, had this to say: *GRAPHIC CONTENT.


That Pizza was never going to be good.  Next time you should probably serve the most famous pizza reviewer from earth to the moon. Just a thought. A word to the wise: don’t eat  pizza from San Antonio.

Now you’re known for both bad service and bad pizza. And that review is high, it is far, it is gone! A huge solo-bite homer that sends the owner’s kids straight to community college.


Dating, General Humor, Romance

Want to Win Over a Girl? Here is How.

Just google, “I don’t understand women” and you’ll get of plethora of memes from butt hurt guys that don’t understand their opposites.

I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them. - Sean Connery

Here is a guide to what women want in a guy… and we’re not talking about this shitty movie:


(To be honest, it’s not actually a terrible movie. Mel Gibson develops the ability to read girl’s minds, so he starts picking up women left and right. And of course, he finds the right woman, makes her fall for him, she finds out, and gets angry. And shockingly, he wins her back.


I actually haven’t seen it since I was a very young kid and that totally might not be the plot, but I am just assuming.)


Every Girl Wants a Guy With:

1. A Dog

Pretty much every girl’s tinder bio says something along the lines of, “i’ll swipe right if I can play with your dog. Unfortunately, dog is not an innuendo. It;s a fact that all women love pups, and having a dog at least portrays the illusion that you’re a caring guy.

2. A General Knowledge of Famous Vines

You might want to find a thread of famous vines on Twitter, or watch a few compilation videos of best vines because every girl says that a guy who can quote vines can get to her heart.

3. A Weirdo that Really Isn’t a Weirdo

Like they want a guy who has interesting, uncommon hobbies…like a guy that loves cooking a big meal/ trying out a new recipe on a Friday night rather than going out clubbing. Maybe someone that is super in to tech, photo-shopping, or music. Things that really aren’t weird at all, but isn’t crazy common. No girl wants an actual weirdo, like someone who is in to eating their own boogers, or dissects bugs in their spare time.

Image result for weirdo that isn't weird

Yeah, okay, let me show you a real weirdo and you’ll loathe it.

And that’s it. Don’t be a dick. Don’t be too nice. Be on the funny side. Just go for it.

PS–It helps to have looks like Jake Gyllenhall (photo from Wikipedia)

Entertainment, General Humor, TV

You’ll Go F**king Bananas When You Find Out About Stewie’s Big Reveal on Family Guy’s latest Episode


Family Guy’s latest episode (Season 16, Episode 2,) has certainly caused a stir among casual fans.

Whether you love or hate family guy, chances are that you’ve seen enough to know that one of the main characters of the family, Stewie, has an identifiable British accent that distinguishes him from his more unrefined relatives.

After 16 seasons, the accent has become unnoticeable–more than accepted, more than expected,it is almost a necessity. You’d think the character’s wouldn’t be able to surprise you after 16-years.

I’d define myself as a family guy fan, though I wait until a new season is over to binge watch it. So when I read the clickbait title’s that things like, “Stewie reveals huge secret to his therapist on the latest episode of Family Guy,” I pretty much expected it to be that Stewie is gay, which really isn’t a big reveal because we all know he is gay…he just hasn’t said it outright yet.

So you wanna know the secret?


His real voice sounds like every other character on the show. If you watch the clip, the show jokes about all the voices that Seth Macfarlane does.

Stewie reveals that his voice is something that makes him feel one of a kind, something that is almost like a coat of armor. When you hear his normal voice, you cringe and ache for the British voice back. We don’t like change, Seth.

You’re being lied to

MUST READ: This fact about Tic-Tacs will make you never want to buy them again

“Behold the true power of freshness.” This is the message that you’ll see on the website of the extremely popular breath mint brand, Tic Tac.


Unfortunately, there is nothing “true” about Tic Tac’s. One of the main selling points of Tic Tacs® is the fact that they’re “sugar-free,”–something that their mint competitors just cannot compete with. I always thought that other breath mint company’s just didn’t have the means to create a recipe for a breath mint that was sugar-free, health-code abiding, and tasty enough.

Recently, I have been trying to lose weight to build my self-confidence. I try to buy healthier, sweeter options to satisfy my sugar cravings. Most often, this ends up in me buying fruity sugar-free gum or those orange Tic Tacs–you know, the ones that are basically fucking crack.


But of course, I find out that Tic Tacs are quite literally the opposite of “sugar-free.” Tic Tac’s are almost made up entirely of pure sugar, however, the FDA permits that any serving “under 0.5 gram’s of sugar” is permitted to advertise that their product has 0 grams of sugar. Tic Tacs do indeed have less than 0.5 grams of sugar, however, the entire tac is made up almost entirely of sugar.

And I mean come on, obviously, we all know what you’re doing. Tic Tac purposely makes their serving size only one mint for false advertising reasons. Who the hell only eats one tic tac? I literally will chug a bottle of them. Just the feeling of having one tic tac in your mouth in uncomfortable. Is one tic tac even enough to make your breath fresh?


Other than the fact that you might be wrecking your diet, please try to spread the word to any that might be affected by health concerns–such as diabetics and anyone else that is sensitive to sugar.

Behold the true power of deceit.

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Study Reports New Warning Sign of Alzheimer’s: Why Millenials Are Fucked

The newest study on senile dementia aka Alzheimer’s found that there is a link between Alzheimer’s and excessive daytime sleepiness. Furthermore, people that have bad sleeping habits.

Awesome news for today’s average millennial college kid. The higher education system has fucked the present day college student is so, so many ways and it just continues to get worse, man. Let’s pretend we’re not constantly thinking:


forget that we can’t  even get a job with our shitty history majors, don’t think about the fact that this screws over lower income families creating an even larger wage gap, don’t think about the civil and  social issues that said wage gap will cause, don’t think about the insane amount of mental health problems you didn’t have before you got here. Ignore that you’re acing exams but are actually failing a class because you aren’t SPEAKING UP ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION GRADE IN A LECTURE HALL.

No, now we can’t even age and die normally. We’re forced to sleep weird hours: study up late, wake up early, then take nap or series of naps. When could be waking up or falling asleep at any given moment. Depends on the person.

The sweet relief of death, the one thing we were looking forward to, the one thing we weren’t anxious about because we were certain it would happen, now is going to fucking plagued with loneliness from not recognizing loved ones, panick attacks, and generalized fear.

Sleeping during the day/ bad sleeping habits  causes your body to not get rid of your amyloid proteins properly. And that causes some folds or some shit, and basically ya bitch ass might have Alzheimer’s now.

Higher education demands more of its students than ever before. As the speed and advancement of tech happens, so too does college work. Professors assign papers and have them due two days later at obscure times. I have an assignment due everyday at midnight. Our parents never had to do that crap. Shit was due in class, or at the very least, in their professor’s mailboxes or so our parents were on a much more regulated schedule than us. Atleast they were seeing the god damn sun for more than two hours.

By the way, not being on a routine, not having good sleeping habits, and not being awake during the sunlight the humongous causes psychological issues. In case the shitty senile dementia we’ll all have isn’t enough.

I hope I get Alzheimer’s to forget how college was bacially a re-boot of the popular beastiality video Mr. Hand.


As the horse out his  3ft long dick in Mr. hands, got what it needed, and dipped, so too did college dip their hands in our wallets, got what they needed, and left us and mr. hands irreversibly fucked.


General Humor, Men's Health

Grower vs. Show-er: why I wish I had a show-er and not my little penis.

DISCLAIMER:  If you thought that this was going to be safe or clean enough to read at work, than I hope you get caught. NSF nerds. Read the title again. 

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.05.38 PMMy dad used to always tell my brother and I that dick size didn’t matter in life, and that in the end, everyone ends up the same anyway. Which I only recently realized was sort of a “heads up. It’s not getting any bigger’

Now, I have absolutely no problem with the size of my dick. My life is no different than if it were bigger besides pleasuring a few women a little bit more, but all in all, it’s worked. 

However, I wish I had one of those really monstrous, massive dicks that are so big that it’s kind of okay to show them off.

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.19.03 PM.png

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.20.30 PM


Say you’re at a big party and some guy decides to streak but he’s got a penis that looks like a little cheddar Cheeto poking out of a bristle pad,then I mean, there’s a reasonable chance that:

A) People will freak out, or

B) think he’s a pervert flasher.

I want to be so big that when I go streaking, you take one look and say “oh that makes sense,” or “that is correct.” My uncle was friend’s with a student on the Seton Hall basketball team that would get hammered and get naked at every party, but it was okay because the guy was mistook for a horse the rest of the night. 

I think I am giving you guys the wrong impression. My dick isn’t small…. it’s very small.  I have yet to show a girl my dick and get a facial reaction that was anything even remotely enthusiastic. 

Screen Shot 2018-03-10 at 11.07.57 PM


The real question here is she laughing because it is so small, or because it’s so big that the dick is just not going to fit in ANY of her average-sized nook, crannies, or crevices.




And my parents were religious and awkward– it’s still very unclear to this day if I ever got the sex talk, so I was really late to knowing all the lingo and having the full extent of knowledge. So my loving parents decided to save themselves from the awkwardness at the hands of my own suffering and awkwardness. 

Those close to me often ask, “How did you get all the way to college, through your all-boys high school, without knowing ‘the button’ was a synonymous term with clitoris. I knew it was something sexual. With the basis of knowledge I had, using an deductive reasoning approach, I guessed that it meant something else. And was very wrong. 

My dick is so small that for the first 19 years of my life, I actually thought that “the button” was my little cock. I must have heard someone say ‘the button’ in a sexual conversation and said to myself, “oh well that makes sense.”



I remember watching a sitcom where one of the main female characters talking to the guy main character who she was dating at that point in the show, and she said something to the effect that he wasn’t good at finding ‘the button.’


And right then and there, I should have realized that a a normal person would have said to themselves “wait…this can’t be right” and looked it up to confirm or something.

But because I’m clearly evolutionarily inferior and have a little brain,  amongst other little things, I remember thinking to myself, “hmm, that’s odd that he’s having trouble finding his own button. Oh man…is this show about to take a wildly dark turn? Does he have a dissociative disorder or something?

Screen Shot 2018-03-11 at 12.17.53 AM

I actually believed that the hit sitcom, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, was about to give the main character a serious mental disorder before thinking to myself “hmm…maybe I am wrong.”

In my defense, I don’t think finding one’s own penis is all that out of the blue. All men have had trouble at one point or another trying to find our own dick every once in a while. A common scenario one might encounter where they have difficulty immediately locating their cock is when you’re doing spending time in the frigid cold and you’re all layered up and need to piss (i.e. skiing, or at a football game).

Another good example is when you’re getting frisky in public somewhere and you want to do a little somethin’-somethin’ so she tells you to pull out your penis through your underwear and jean pee-hole’s to let the groundhog see its shadow.

Screen Shot 2018-03-11 at 12.25.42 AMLadies, I have a few things I wanna say about this:

First of all, if i’m wearing anything other than boxers, it’s not happening. Like i said, my dick probably has a little bit more traveling room down there to explore than most of the guys you’ve been with. It could be anywhere in there. If I have skin-tight briefs on, then it takes some work and elbow grease to root around there looking for it.   Now, If I have on boxer’s, maybe it’s a different story. Maybe I can pat down the drafty areas, stretch em out and take a peek, or even get down into the taint area if I need to.

Secondly, Why do you even want me to pull it out already? All we’ve done is kiss for 15 seconds and mutually agreed that we’re gonna have fully clothed sex in a low-risk empty park. And I know she’s anxious and nervous about getting caught and I know that’s even part of the excitement, but my already shitty, stubby, little dick has like one remaining sperm cell that has any self-esteem or confidence left in the dick.

You really want me to pull out my soft chode out of my two pee holes, to the point where only the head is showing, so we can both just look at what now literally looks like a pink button? No one wants to see that.

Screen Shot 2018-03-11 at 12.29.23 AM
This picture I found online is beyond insanely weird, but it proves my point. Look at that gross little thing


By the way, in that scenario, the resemblance to a button would stun you. I mean yeah it looks a little fleshy but you could definitely pass it off as an in-fashion, embroidered or felt button. The urethra holes matchup with pant-buttons and all. You could honestly tell me these are pictures of all the of the same thing and I’d believe you.

This weird ass dude posts a lot of pictures of his little dick’s head peeking out his pee hole (s/o to the most random website ever, rodinkam.net), but he proves my point. That is not attractive. You probably scrolled by as fast as you could.


Anyway, yeah that is another situation where an enormous penis would come in handy.

I uh, I don’t mind my dick size at all.