Health and Lifestyle, Social

California is now a public state of emergency; These startling wildfire photos will make you wonder why the US Health and Human Services department didn’t do that earlier.

Though you’d never if I didn’t point it out, the “What’s Hot” tag is not a joke referring to the wildfires. It is unfortunately coincidental. I would remove it but frankly this story did just break and everyone across the nation is talking about California right now so I can’t change it. It’s hot off the press!

Just today, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar declared a public state of emergency in California. This has happened in response to the death toll of the fire rising to more than 50. This is the deadliest wildfire(s) in the history of California. 9,000 structures have been scorched. More than 100 people are missing in the Butte County fire zones, while their county sheriff’s office has received more than 1,500 calls for welfare checks.

These images alone are so jarring that they certainly justify declaring the state a health emergency. In fact, the fires look so overwhelming that one can only ask:

why the fuck did it take this long to declare an emergency?

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Just so you know, prior to this fire, the deadliest wildfire in California claimed 42 members. The death toll rose passed that early yesterday. One would think that they’d declare the fire an emergency before the death toll approached killing more than any other fire ever? Surely once the fire claimed it’s 43rd victim and officially ended the lives of more Californians than any fire before it–surely that is the time to declare a state of emergency. Right? No…they thought it was better to let more people die and wait until the death toll as at a high enough number.

Declaring a public state of emergency is basically a wake-up call to the residents of the state. It’s away for residents to realize, “Oh shit, this is actually serious. I should actually evacuate the state for real.”

When Hurricane Sandy hit the coasts of the North East, New Jersey was declared a public state of emergency by Governor Chris Christie. While Foolishly Proud jersey-ians we’re at the beach watching the tsunami of waves (people we’re literally doing this dumb-ass shit even when their communities we’re mandated to evacuate), you know what my prudent ass was doing?

Hauling ass out of New Jersey to as far West as my Dad was willing to drive me, which happened to South Bend, Indiana. While  arrogant guido’s watched the fight between the coast and Sandy, I watched the Notre Dame fighting Irish. Am I a pussy? Maybe. But at-least I got to spend a few days in Sunny, 70-degree weather. You can’t fathom how many times I checked my phone to see how cold it was back in Jersey–each time I checked I was filled a feeling  of satisfaction of knowing that my perspicacious* mind made the right choice.

*Proof of how perspicacious I am.

The people of California should have been told to run for the hills (not Beverly) much earlier than this:

 

 

If you’ve been keeping up with the reports on the status of California, you’ve already heard of the town of Paradise, California. While the fire in the area has been contained, the town has literally been scorched to the ground. You may have read many headlines calling it, “Paradise Lost,” referencing the epic poem by John Milton. The destruction that has plagued the town of Paradise is exemplary of how serious these fires are, and how seriously they should be dealt with. To say that the town has been “damaged,” by the wildfire would be inaccurate, because “damaging” something implies that only part of a structure has been affected. Paradise, California, was more-so cremated by the Wildfire.

 

 

Holy hell….literally. Paradise got so demolished that it literally looks like something you’d find in a post-apocalyptic movie or video game. At first glance, I thought these photos we’re just pictures of the map from the video game Fallout 4, where you play in Massachusetts a few years after the entire world fights in WW3 and results in the -destruction of basically as every country fired nukes on each other. When I read that the entire town of Paradise caught fire, I was imagining pictures of buildings with black ash all over them–I was absolutely not expecting there to be nothing but soot.

We here on the east coast give out our thoughts and prayers, our hearts break for the victims, and we do all that we can 3,000 miles away, but we don’ truly understand what the victims are going trough unless we too went through it. I can’t imagine having to evacuate my house and have to worry that it–along with all my family pictures and childhood mementos–will be there when I get back. I hope this offers some understanding.

Entertainment News, Health and Lifestyle, Social

Kim Kardashian & Kanye West Hired Private Firemen to Save Dozens of Homes from Wildfire, Including their $60 Million Dollar Mansion.

Wait, the absurdly wealthy that control actually CAN use their money to help other people? I thought that once you reached a net-worth larger than $50 million dollars, little goblins put an enchanted hex on your bank account that forbids you from using your stupid amount of money to do anything for anyone other than yourself!

 (TMZ):The blaze started to creep up on Kim and Kanye’s Hidden Hills mansion Friday after a mandatory evacuation of the area. The couple’s home sits at the end of a cul-de-sac and borders a field — meaning if their place went up in flames, it would start a domino effect on the whole neighborhood. 

Sources tell us Kim and Kanye hired a private team to battle the flames on their property. The team was armed with hoses, and also tirelessly dug ditches to create a fire break.

Ultimately, they successfully saved the Wests’ $60 million house… and countless others on the block. We spoke with a few neighbors who are thanking the Wests for putting a team on the front lines and saving their homes.”

So. Many. Questions.

Narrator: The young blogger’s mind raced with all sorts of questions, overloaded with jokes ranging from corny to complex, and flooded with different ways to highlight how remarkably extraordinary this specific situation is. The 22 year-old couch potato thought to himself, “I should write these thoughts down.” A moment later, a new KillerTake was born. 

You’d think with all of the millions of dollars celebrities make from endorsing any piece-of-shit product that is willing to throw money at them, more of Hollywood’s richest would hire some fire-mercenaries to save their neighborhood’s.

The fire has gone from bad to worse. And so too have the updates. Everywhere you turn you hear about the death toll rising or cute families homes burning down or another town issuing a mandatory evacuation. Morale is low. People all across the nation mourn for our American brethren.

These pictures of the mountain range make California look just like the War of the World’s scene where Tom Cruise runs after Robbie to try and stop him from joinging the military in the fight against the aliens.

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God damn these pictures are crazy. California literally looks like it is war territory. It looks just like the war territory fro War of the World’s when the military was bombing the f**k out of the giant alien machines.

The people of California, and all of the United States, needed a boost of morale to keep positive attitudes alive.

Arising from the ashes was America’s very own Prom King and Queen: Kim Kardashian and Kayne West. Kimye stepped up to the plate to give us a feel good story that makes us think that things are going to be alright. What a loving, caring thing they did for the families and homeowners of their neighborhood. And as an added bonus (and Kimye’s real intention behind hiring the private firefighters), the family saved their own insanely valuable $60 million dollar home of which is filled to the brim with some of the most expensive and priceless things you’d expect to find in the home of a family with a combined net-worth of 1.35 billion dollars. You read that right. 1.35 Billion.

Kanye West’s Company, Yeezy, of which he is a majority stockholder, is worth 1.5 billion dollars–A billion of which personally belongs to Kanye himself. Kim herself is worth is worth a humbling 350 million dollars thanks to the bazillion different business and beauty products she is involved in. Wow…if someone told me that I’d be worth $350 million one day, but I had to Ray J take a video of him banging me…I’d ask where and when should I assume the position.

Pornhub actually has an incredibly easy to use gif-making software 

So I guess that answers my next question, which was: where the fuck do you find a private firefighting group for hire? But I guess when you have a stupidly endless amount of money you can pay to find anyone to do anything.

$1.3 Billion dollars is so much damn money though,. Hard to believe Yeezy is worth that much money. It’s hard to believe Yeezy sold literally any clothing considering you could find similar fashion style on New York’s homeless.

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on God I bet that could pay for the resources needed to stop 5 of these wildfires. Do more Kimye. Maybe there just aren’t enough private firefighters for hire. How many situations can there possibly be where hired firemen actually have a use? I mean, you assume they aren’t putting out normal house or building fires because no one is planning on having their house burn down.

Imagine walking downstairs to be met with a cloud of smoke, only to find a massive fire brewing in your kitchen. The first thing you do is get you and the kids out, and call 911. No one in that moment is whipping out their Iphone to Google ‘private fire companies.” They’re calling 911. I imagine that receptionists for private fire-companies have miserable anxiety at their job. Every-time the phone rings they’re probably praying it isn’t someone dumb enough to call them first:

“Hi you’ve reached Fight Fire for Hire, how can I help you today?”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD EVERYTHING IS BURNING I AM GOING TO LOSE ALL MY PRECIOUS BABY PICTURES AND EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR TO ME. PLEASE GET HERE NOW!”

“...Right, well ma’am, we have a few packages such as the home-cremation package, the Family-saver package, and the Welp-There-Goes-The-Neighborhood package. Also on special we have the L.A.pocalypse service, which is hot in the streets, literally.”

I imagine those phone calls are a little like this part of Wiz Khalifa’s “See You Again,” music video. Turn volume all the way up for the full effect.

Ha! Got-heem.

You definitely won’t find many private firefighters here in the North East, but the logical place that private firefighters would be is definitely in California. Not only because the state is so dry and is susceptible to these fires, but also because of show business. It’d make sense that a movie production might need some private firemen since action thrillers are constantly blowing up buildings or lighting big ass fields on fire for battlefield scenes, or purposely malfunctioning cars so they go ablaze.

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None of this would have ever happened if we just chose not to go west. Screw you Louis and Clark. Fucking nut-sacagawea. Damn that Oregon trail up to its old tricks and fucking up peoples lives yet again.