Health and Lifestyle, Technology

Did I just muscle Verizon Wireless into Accepting my Donation for California Wildfire Disaster Relief?

American Red Cross has teamed up with like every Wireless Cell-phone provider and making it insanely easy to contribute to the California Wildfire Relief Fund. Text “CA Wildfires” to 909-99 to make a $10 dollar donation (which will appear on your wireless bill). It may hard for some of us to envision what Californians are going through right now since it’s likely that most of us haven’t seen any type of major fire. Most likely, the biggest fire you’ve seen is a bonfire for a Pep Rally or some burning man, music festival shit.

The Wake Forest Homecoming bonfire on Davis Field, Friday, September 29, 2006.
Wake Forest Bonfire after Pep Rally during parents weekend.

In any case, it’s super easy to donate now. Before Red Cross went digital, the only way could help was by mailing in a donation. And you know the only type of mailing millennial’s and Gen Z’ers know how to do is e-mail. Not gonna lie, in the extremely rare instances that I have to mail anything, I have to:

A. Google how to Write down then Delivery and Return Addresses
B. Buy Envelopes and Stamps
C. Google The proper envelopes and stamps for my mail
D. Go to the Post office because I don’t really know if I am supposed to put it in my mail box or those blue mailbox bins you see on the corners of the street or under my door or wait for the mailman or a P.O. box (wtf is a P.O. box?)…ugh, I’d rather just go to the office and hand it to the guy behind the counter who just takes it and sends it for me.
E. I need to beg the man or woman behind the counter to help me and pretty much do all this shit with/ for me.
F. If they can’t help me (AKA do it for me…out of the goodness of their heart), I go to the UPS walk-in store and pay extra for them to do it. Ugh, can’t I just email whatever the hell I need to send? A virtual candy basket it just as good as a real candy basket…it’s the thought that counts.

Anyway, I tried to donate. I get a message from the Verizon automated response system that says they can’t accept my donation because of some SMS block on my account. Because I am such a giving person (but I am more of one of those people who are charitable for selfish purposes like so they can brag about how charitable they are and get all the glory), I was pissed. I lashed out and responded to Verizon.

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And Then, Verizon texted back………

…………with a confirmation of my donation.

“Fuck that noise.” That is the phrase that changed everything in my life. That is the phrase that will go down in infamy when I stared the brutish- tech Goliath down and made it shame their actions. When a grizzly bear is present and has you in its sight, you do not run.m helping these Californians. My drive to be charitable and help people is You slap on your bravery and stand up and get as big as you can and you deter the beast.

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That’s right. I geared up and I jarred Verizon’s automated response system loose. “Fuck that noise.” A simple phrase that said so much more. It said, “There is nothing you can do to stop me from unlike any giving person you have seen before. Not even the religious missionaries that devote their lives to helping the people of 3rd world countries. Not even the members of the peace corps that devote years of their life to living in squalor for the benefit of others. Not even Ghandi himself. My drive to give comes from a stronger place than any other: my ego. There is no sweeter joy than telling someone of all the charity you do, and seeing “the look” on their face. The look that says, this guy is a better person than I am. It is necessary I must help. I implore you to open then gateway to my donations.”

And like that, it was accepted. I helped. I did my part. Did you?

I am terribly sorry that something has bad as this is happening to the people of California. I mean, they’re literally getting their Earth scorched. Scorched Earth is military strategy where one warring party burns all land and resources and everything of their opponent’s. And it does so much damage that The United Nations Collectively decided to make the scorched earth military strategy as an international war crime at the Geneva Convention of 1977. And there’s no need to say thank you, I was just doing the right thing.

You’re welcome, my sweet Cali.

 

**Editor’s Note: I’d like to personally redact my take in an earlier blog of which I discussed how non-existent fires are today, in addition to how useless paid firefighters are. Obviously I was wrong. Obviously.

Entertainment, TV

Should you Watch Netflix’s “The Haunting of Hill House?” This 1 Question Quiz Can Tell if You’ll Love it or Hate It

 Do you like horror movies with loud jump scares? (Click on the appropriate response)

 (PS: the links are totally not to some sort of horrifying Jump-Scare. If I am lying, I cross my heart and hope to die. I absolutely promise that these links will bring you to a page that simply provides an explanation as to why your response explains everything one would ever need to tell whether or not The Haunting of Hill House makes a good fit for you.)

 Do you like horror movies with loud jump scares? (Click on the appropriate response.)

(Also I rewrote the question in case you forgot. And I am about to do it again because I am neurotic and think that for some reason, you have forgotten the question by the end of the sentence. But I know that isn’t true because you decided to read a KillerTakes article…you’ve already made a brilliant choice. PPS I am about to do it yet again so it looks better on the page.)

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Do you like horror movies with loud jump scares? (Click on the appropriate response.)

 

A. Yes

Yes, you like jumpscares.

 

B. No.

No, you don’t like a good “BOO!”

 

C. They’re alright–as long as they’re not overdone.

You like them in small doses, as long as the plot doesn’t rely on them.

 

D. Dont luv them– I’m more into creepy, tense horror. 

You like the scary movie that gradually increases tension.

 

E. None of the Above

You aren’t a fan of horror movies at all. Or you are more into the scary movies that deal with types of species that attack humans. You know, kinda like Aliens, Zombies, Ghouls, that kind of whole shebang. Whatever you are into is okay! Be you! You’re just a little weird in my eyes if you prefer these movies over a work of cinematic perfection like Hereditary. 

Advertising, Entertainment, TV

How NBC’s Hit Sitcom “The Office” Brilliantly Advertised Products That We’re Hidden in Broad Daylight

Product placement is a tricky thing for shows to pull off. You really need to work it into your show in a way that flows well. You don’t want it to be so obvious that your audience can blatantly tell that something is product placement, but you don’t want it so camouflaged that no one notices it. There’s nothing ore annoying than when a show is so obvious with its product placement, kind of like in the Truman Show:

The office could have written a manual on the proper way to place a product.

SecondLife:  Remember that episode where Dwight creates an online avatar for the virtual world, SecondLife? Apparently, Second Life is a real, online virtual world. Technically, LindenLab’s, the creator of the game, refuses to call it a game. Unlike most multi-player online games, there is absolutely no set objective or task. It is just a virtual world to live in. Ironically, the episode that features SecondLife is called “Local Ad.” The product placement in this episode was rated 8th in the top 10 most effectively placed products in 2007. Dwight really conveys the message of what the product is: “It is not a game, it is a multi-user virtual environment.”

To make the product placement even better, Jim doubts the game in the beginning, and converts to an enjoying-user by the end, playing up just how fun it is. While Secondlife at its peak had a record 36 million created accounts (2013), SecondLife still reports 600,000 regular users to this day. That’s higher than I’d ever imagine to be honest. I don’t know a single soul that uses SecondLife.

Call of Duty: Are you annoyed as I am about not realizing that the famous video game was some product placement? When Jim moves to the Stamford branch, he joins a sales team that plays Call of Duty to try and team build.

Jim plays like an absolute fucking noob, but everyone is from Stamford is solid and they all love it. I am annoyed that I didn’t realize that this was advertising because it’s now so fucking obvious. The entire episode is pretty much about them playing CoD.

Image result for the office call of duty

Although, the story apparently fucked up because Jimmy Halpert was supposed to have never played Call of Duty before. Shout out to a random reddit user for finding this:

Image result for the office call of duty

Staples: Okay this one I don’t blame you or me or anyone for not catching this one considering they always bash Staples. But in reality they don’t bash Staples at all. In fact, when they have bad things to say about Staples is that they don’t like staples because they’re costs are so low that Dunder Mifflin cannot compete. So basically it’s one big ad. Everytime Dunder Mifflin tries to say that they have better customer service than Staples or Office Max, they refer to them as “The Big Guys” or “The Major Corporations.”

Remember the episode where Kevin uses his new, powerful shredder to see everything it could shred? Yeah, that was one big clever advertisement for Staples. The shredder is a Staples brand. Now you understand why Kevin went and shredded a ton of stuff, because the show was advertising how powerful the shredder is. The shredder even shreds a CD-Rom.

Cisco Phones: every single phone in the show is from the Cisco brand. Every office I have ever worked in has used Cisco-brand phones, so something must’ve worked somewhere. Then again, I’ve only worked in a variety of different law firms, so maybe it’s just a lawyer thing. But there is no shot “lawyer-things” are real things, right? Could you get a more specific niche?

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HP: Most of the products used in The Office are HP products. Again, every office I’ve ever worked at has used HP computers, probably for cost-efficiency (imagine if a company had to buy hundreds of Mac’s for its computers…that would be insanely expensive. Apple should really look in to cutting costs for Mac products when buying them in bulk for businesses because I really feel like they’re missing out on a lot of business there–especially because the entire world is in universal agreement that Mac’s are better than HP’s).

Gateway Computers: I really don’t know what Gateway computers are but am Including it because it was on Wikipedia. Just acting on my journalistic integrity.

Hooters: Michael Scott’s favorite restaurant was a nifty piece of product placement that the producers finessed into the show. If you told me that this wasn’t product placement, I’d probably believe you because it just makes sense that Michael Scott’s favorite restaurant is Hooter’s. The fact that he thinks it’s so funny, and somehow an appropriate place for a work lunch is all you need to know about Michael Scott. There’s like four places that would work as his favorite restaurant for Comedic purposes. For example, you could see Chuck E. Cheese or Dave n’ Busters working (also, is anyone else just noticing their weirdly similar names). I could even see BubbaGump Shrimp being his favorite restaurant because he can’t stop doing Forrest Gump impersonations when he’s there.

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Sandals Resort: When you re-watch the Sandals episode(s), it’s blaringly obvious that the show was paid for advertising. But if you didn’t know it, you’d never be able to tell–despite the fact that Michael Scott impersonates someone using an Advertisement style voice:

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TripAdvisor: Another one that might’ve slipped under your nose, but yes, they too worked with the Office. As a joke, Jim and Pam go to stay at Dwight’s new bed and breakfast that offers a unique experiencing of staying at a beat farm. Throughout the episode, Dwight often mentions how important every TripAdvisor review is as it is the “lifeblood of the agritourism industry.”

For most of the episode, Dwight is very depressed about Angela leaving him. At the very end of the episode, Jim and Pam give Dwight a great review on Trip Advisor, which briefly makes him happier. Later in the episode, Dwight seems back to his old self. Kind of obvious now that there is meant to be an association between Happiness and TripAdvisor.

Olympic Wire and Equipment: Uh, duh…ever heard of it?

Yeah neither has anyone ever. Unless you worked in the warehouse of a company that manufactured a product that required a machine that made paper, hay, or cotton into bails. The warehouse of the Scranton office was filled with Olympic balers. I wonder how many people realized that the baler was part of the advertising.

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Things That We’re NOT Ads But Everyone Thought hey Were

The Ipod: Michael buys an Ipod for Ryan as his secret Santa gift, despite going over the $20 limit. Wikipedia says there is a full 4 minutes of screen-time showing the Ipod, but the entire episode revolves around every office-member fighting for the Ipod. Seems like an ad. Surprising that it isn’t.

Chili’s: Despite being famously involved with The Office, Chili’s did not pay The Office for any sort of advertising. the producers actually approached Chili’s about being allowed to use their restaurant and name in the show, and Chili’s agreed so long as they got final say about what went into an episode (to make sure nothing bad was said about them). One of the scenes in “The Dundies” episode, Chili’s rejected one of the scenes causing a last minute rewrite. It’s a good thing as well because that episode is perfect down to the damn credits.

It’s sort of brilliant that the producers used Chili’s and Apple in their episodes. It makes you think, “oh come on…this is obviously paid advertising that they chose to incorporate to make money.” But the fact that those companies did not end up advertising with the show sort of muddies the water…it makes whether or not something is an advertisement ambiguous–it gives the producers a lot of freedom to fit in a logo whenever they want.

Entertainment, Movies

Danny Leiner, Film Director of Multiple Cult Classic’s, is Dead at 57.

Danny Leiner was the movie director that truly captured the true essence of the classic stoner. Unfortunately, the answer is no to you stoners outta here. You were not too high to read that incorrectly. Leiner is truly dead. And not the kind of dead like, “oh I got so high last night I think I died.” We wish that was was what happened, but unfortunately, Leiner lost his battle with lung cancer on October 18th.

Danny Leiner directed the internationally famous movies Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and Dude Where’s my Car? Ironically, Lainer was the driving force behind both flicks, yet both movies barely had any driving involved in-them at all–since both movies could easily be solved if the two protagonists from each flick simply just had a car. Classic stoner problems. Nothing like having a massive issue that turns out to not be a massive issue when you sober up.

I can personally thank Danny Leiner for giving me a chronic fear of pooping in public. My young friends always tried to play this with each-other. It ruined me. I still, to this day, cannot poop in public–I especially cannot poop in front of friends. One time, I had an absolute emergency and couldn’t hold in a poop anymore, so I just had to use the stall at this bar.

A guy was pooping in the stall next to me, and when initially relaxed my sphincter enough so that I’d release all of my shit, I made this loud farting noise along with it. The guy pooping int he next stall over goes, “That’s it. Okay, let it out.” I didn’t respond, and when I finally pooped again, he said, “There you go. That’s the way.” Everything I worried about when I was a kid was then confirmed. I am now thankful to Leiner for my cleanly, neurotic pooping habits.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle was named to Rolling stone’s top 50 best comedy movies of all time, and Rolling Stone’s top 10 stoner movies of all time. Honestly, Rolling Stone really missed out on an opportune joke with the stoner list. They easily could have called it “Rolling Stoner’s top 10 movies of all time.” Or at least  make a joke about rolling a joint or blunt, or maybe even make it “A Blunt Rolling, Stoner’s list of top 10 comedy movies.” Just a shame.

Dude, Where’s my Car? did not have the review recognition that Harold and Kumar did, but after being aired by Comedy Central relatively often, the movie gained a cult-following. Anyone with a brain and has seen the movie knows that the plot is complete ass, but it’s admittedly funny. The plot is so out of this world (literally, it involves aliens) that you have to wonder if the main characters were high the entire time.

Can you imagine a world without Ashton Kutcher? Well, neither could Danny Leiner. Ashton Kutcher had gained fame from that 70’s show after word got around that he was a shitty male model (probably). Considering that 70’s show wasn’t knocking off anyone’s pants, Kutcher was less than moderately famous. Kutcher’s real recognition came from his first major film, Dude Where’s My Car? He gained serious recognition for playing his role so well.

Kutcher clearly attributes much of his success to Danny Leiner, and it seems as if Leiner whipped Kutcher into shape and taught him what it took to be successful in the business. You get the sense from this tweet that Ashton Kutcher was a cocky little shit back in the day:

He co-starred with Sean William Scott, who also got super famous from the movie. Sean William Scott is best known for his role as Steve Stiffler in the American Pie movies, but I’d argue that he gained more fame from Dude Where’s My Car? because you saw Scott in Dude Where’s my Car? and would be like, “wait, the guy not from that 70’s show looks familiar, where do I know him from?” And then you we’re like, “Oh Wait, that’s Stiffler!” And then they both went on to do a lot of movies.

Fun Fact: Sean William Scott won the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss. Who was the lucky lady that smacked lips with him? Trick question, you idiot. It was his co-star of American Pie 2, Jason Biggs.

To give you even more of a picture of Leiner’s legacy, Leiner also directed the Office, Arrested Development, and Freak and Geeks. So yeah, the world really lost a man that knew what worked in the comedy world. Though I have never been the biggest fan of Freeks and Geeks (I just think it’s an overrated TV show because its entire cast is made up of people that are insanely famous present-day so people look back at it fondly and think, “oh wow this show must be really good since all these people are in it”).

In any case, Leiner’s legacy as a comedic genius will not be forgotten. I mean, yeah it may temporarily be forgotten by people that get way too high and can’t even remember what their mother’s name is, but eventually it will come back to them.

This scene is funnier now that NPH has come out as a gay man. I wonder if Danny Leiner knew that. Also, last fun fact, is that That 70’s show came out in 1998, 28 years after 1970. 1990 was 28 years ago…if we came out with a present day That 70’s Show with the same time proportions, we’d have to name it, That 90’s Show. 

 

opinion, Sports

NFL’s Worst Team This Season is So Bad That They’d Do Better If They We’re Actively Trying To Lose

“Forget just losing at home, they’re losing 42-10,”–the big cuck Joe Buck.

As I write this, the Arizona Cardinals (1-5) are losing to the Denver Broncos (2-4) by a whopping 42-10. And if you didnt know this already, the Denver Broncos are sort of a monstrosity this season, which makes how badly the Cardinals lost make them look that much worse. Case Keenum, who has sucked for 15 years of his career barring his one good season last year, is back to the old Case Keenum.

Coming into this game, the Broncos have been the worst NFL team at defending the run. The Broncos gave up 593 rushing yards in the last two games. It was comparable to rushing against the Broncos defense on Madden, with the difficulty setting dialed to Rookie. For Good-dell Sake, the Broncos made the Jets look like a playoff caliber team after losing 34-16.

We’ve known that the Cardinals have been struggling, but many we’re expecting to see them bounce back just a little by utilizing their elite running back, David Johnson. Nope. The Arizona Atrocity only has 64 rushing yards in total, 14 of which came from a Josh Rosen scramble. David Johnson has 14 carries for 39 yards…a woeful 2.8 yards per carry. Rosen as thrown 3 interceptions, and fumbled twice. Every single turnover stemming from the Cardinals Cardinal-Player…Josh Rosen.

Seriously, it felt like every other drive ended with an INT or the ball was on the ground. The Broncos would just take the ball and suddenly be like a b-string offense; it seemed like every quarter there was a takeaway with the Broncos defense on a fast break to the end zone.

I honestly think this team is worse than the Browns were in their winless season last year. Think about how bad a team has to be to lose by 35 points to a notoriously bad team that is dealing with all sorts of inner strife and complications. Not only that, Von Miller made them look absolutely stupid. Every so often, an athlete emerges that can both talk the talk and walk the walk. They are the ones that boast about how badly they’ll beat someone. They look like a cocky asshole and a douchebag…until they beat the people as badly as they said they would.

Muhammad Ali fans loved him because he’d boast about how easy it’d be to win…and then he’d get in the ring and make beating his opponent look like a breeze. Conor Mcgregor earned the loyalty of millions of fans because he’d dominate his opponents in and out of the ring. Those that watch Mcgregor promotions and weigh ins can usually expect a verbal slaughtering to occur.

“He said why you talking shit?”

“Or What? You gonna do something over there? Shut yo fookin Mouth.”

I am not even the biggest Mcgregor fan. He’s the guy I pull for in UFC of course, but that’s because his story line is a lot of what keeps UFC relevant. People wouldn’t care nearly as much if the Notorious wasn’t stirring things up for the sport. Trash talking, and backing it up, can literally affect the entire sport:

I mean, not only did Mcgregor make Alvarez look bad, he made himself look like the Michael Jordan of his sport. I mean, with that win, McGregor was the first ever UFC fighter to hold two championship belts in two different weight classes. The fact that he changed weight classes to fight Alvarez and made beating Alvarez look easy reaffirmed his complete dominance over the sport.

That’s what happened here tonight. Von Miller of the Broncos has been the story around the NFL this week as he threw a little shade at their Arizonian opponents. To clarify, Specifically chose the word “shade” since Arizona is notoriously sunny, dry, and hot. At least my pen pal thinks I am funny. We always joke about how his handwriting reminds me of my Dad’s.

When Von Miller was asked if the game Arizona was a “must-win,” the Vonster from your nightmares replied that Denver was, “gonna kick (the Cardinals) ass.” And that is exactly what they did…especially on defense. Screenshot (66).png

Considering Von Miller is the captain of the defense, he really needed his boys to smack the Cardinals and fulfill his promise. Five forced turnovers in a 45-10 win? I wouldn’t classify that as kicking their ass, I’d classify that as swinging a Round-house at their butt holes.

Just like every good trash talker ever, the Cardinals looked abysmal, and the Broncos looked fierce. Before this week, everyone wrote off the Broncos with the expectation that another shitty year is coming their way. After bending over Arizona, Troy Aikman and Joe Buck had a conversation about them making the playoffs. Quite a turn around in reputation from another losing season to playoff bound.

But you have to ask yourself, are the Broncos really that good? Or are the Cardinals just that bad? I’d argue the Cardinals are that bad. They’re led by a cocky rookie that buckles under any type of pocket pressure and is clearly not ready to be a starting quarterback. Rose was once considered the clear top quarterback coming out of the draft–a quarterback good enough to publicly reject Cleveland from drafting him. Who’da thunk that he’d be playing the worst behind Baker Mayfield, Josh Allen, and Sam Darnold?

Oh yeah, I did.

Dating, Technology

Does Your Lover Go Snooping through Your Phone? Have Them Arrested for Violating A Federal Crime

The Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986 effectually makes any unauthorized use of a computer a criminal offense. The acts was basically implemented to protect the owner of the computer, originally designed to make sure that computer crimes would not go unpunished. The intent was to protect people’s business data (like financial records or clientele) and punish anyone that attempted to obtain classified information from the U.S. Government.Image result for hacker

You have the legal right to call the police on anyone that uses your computer. The next time your boy tries to set meatspin.com as your homepage, just call up the boys in blue to get them. Then they’ll be the one’s seeing meat-spin all of the time when they’re in prison. eqwef

If your girlfriend tries to find pictures in your email where you sent this girl a picture of your dick and you don’t know what it is with females but you’re not too good at that shit because you can have yourself a good girl and still be associated to them hood-rats but you just blame everything on her...do exactly that! Blame everything on her ! You may be the scumbag, but you’re not the one breaking any federal laws! Have her cuffed…didn’t she always want to try that in bed? (Source of Italics: Kanye West, “Runaway”).

The CFAA created more than 30 years go. Computers back then we’re entirely different machines than computers today. We wouldnt even know how to use them today…you’d have to imput a bunch of commands and you’d have no idea how to nor what they even are:

Old Computer For Work

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Compare these to the computer you keep in your pocket

Smartphones are protected under the CFAA as they’re considered computers. I mean, they basically are computers–and it makes sense that they’d be protected by the CFAA because most people have sensitive or personal data on their smartphones that are also are on their computers. Literal businesses are run on smartphones and tablets. You have to admit that Tablets should be considered computers because they’ll have someones entire lifework on them. And on that note, you really can’t consider a tablet and a smartphone separate things because an Ipad is just a bigger iPhone.

 

So next time your psycho jealous insecure boyfriend goes snooping through your phone to see who you’ve been texting or DM’ing, just know you can call the police. And you probably should call the police because it sounds like your boyfriend is the insanely jealous type that can pop off at any time…maybe the cops should be there when he goes through your phone. You may not have done anything wrong, but you never know how someone will interpret something harmless or find something about an ex that you forgot to delete…they say that if you go looking for something you don’t want to find, you will always see it. Ignorance is bliss.

Snooping (1)

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Trouble in Paradise

Also sharing Netflix passwords isn’t illegal, despite what you’ve heard. You can’t use a password someone shared with you to steal anything from them, but if they’re letting you use their Netflix, you’re fine. Everyone needs to chill the f**k out about password sharing. This law was made to stop hackers, not crack down on movie watching. Everyone has a wild misconception that computer hackers know all sorts of software and break down all sorts of firewalls, or like “hack into the mainframe.”

The reality is that Hackers just trick you into giving them personal information about yourself so they can answer security questions about you so they can prove to your bank, Venmo, etc., and then steal your shit once they are convincing enough. They don’t even always try and get information from you via computer: hackers do stuff like call you acting like a bank representative or pretending to be telemarketers selling a product you might be interested in.

Entertainment, General Humor, TV

Puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar The Grouch Is Retiring After 50 Years–What Will Change?

Absolutely nothing will change…this time. Sesame Street has made a lot of changes over the past few years, all of which have contributed to Sesame Street’s demise. Ever since the Bert and Ernie writer claimed that the two we’re homosexual (and Sesame Street’s controversial vehement denial of such claims), sesame street has turned into the street. 

Carroll Spinney is retiring. We commend you on your contribution to this world–most of us watched Sesame Street at one point or another when we were children. You we’re like the K-mart version of Mr. Rogers to us. However, in his old age, Big Bird was already changing…it was probably time he needed an intervention:

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The puppet’s will be okay in the long run. The new puppeteer’s will learn the ropes.  As the world changes, so too does Sesame Street. And that is something we just will have to accept. Change is inevitable, and as far as changing the man behind big Bird and Oscar, at least you’re not dealing with something like the Veggie Monster fiasco. How emasculating–when you take a man’s cookies you take his livelihood. I hear Elmo bullies him and calls him the Vaggie Monster. Image result for sesame street funny

Oscar the Grouch was changing by the end too. His character became the very thing that goes in a trash can: trash.  Back in the day, Oscar was like one of those lovable grouches…the kind that acted rude to the world but had a heart that he chose not to show people so he could hurt others before he got hurt. 

Sad to see this photo. Oscar is more than a Grouch, he is basically a hermit. He never comes out of his trash can. A trip to the red carpet like this one never happens anymore for the…thing (whatever type of animal he is).

As he got older, grouchiness turned to active cynicism. We knew he hated people, but Oscar started conspiring to commit murder to Bert and Ernie because of his committed membership to the Westboro Baptist Church and their extreme prejudicial. Just because Oscar does not have any happiness left in his green-body doesn’t mean that Bert and Ernie don’t deserve to have any.

Even if it is Sesame street…a Sesame Bagel is the worst kind of bagel. Gotta be some sort of connection there. Take care of your children. The Count’s favorite numbers are: 666, 69, and 420….do you really want a perverse vampire teaching your kids?

Health and Lifestyle, Laughable News, Social

Chesapeake, Virginia threatens up to 6 months in Jail for Trick-or-Treaters Over the Age of 12

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The Chesapeake 13 year-olds must be little pieces of shit.

“If any person over the age of 12 years shall engage in the activity commonly known as “trick or treat” or any other activity of similar character or nature under any name whatsoever, he or she shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine of not less than $25.00 nor more than $100.00 or by confinement in jail for not more than six months or both.”

It’s okay though. You can be a 13 year-old and trick-or-treat so long as you are chaperoning around your little siblings.

“A thirteen year old safely trick or treating with a younger sibling is not going to have any issues. That same child taking pumpkins from porches and smashing them in the street more likely will. Thank you for your help making it a fun night for everyone!” —cityofchesapeake.net

This ordinance is one of the most asinine things on earth. Stopping a child from vandalizing someone’s property is one thing–police intervention is expected. Are the cops not going to stop kids under the age of 12 from vandalizing property?

When I was in 8th grade, my hood-rat friends and I smashed some town pumpkins on mischief night. When the police stopped my friends and I for doing so, we we’re put in the back of the police car and simply brought home to our parents. sirisaac-newton-invented-calculus-before-his-26thbirthday-woah-we-have-22637843.png

The police had us promise never to do it again–but they didn’t even knock on our doors to tell our parents so we wouldn’t get in trouble.

I was scared as all hell. But you mean to tell me that if my little brother (13), who still has braces, didn’t even vandalize pumpkins, but simply went out tick-or-treating with his buddies–could possibly be handcuffed and sentenced to 6 months in prison? For doing absolutely nothing wrong? That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard.

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When my brother is home alone, I get worried because he is an idiot (most of the time) and I just fear for his safety. I know it’s a little irrational and my future eldest child is screwed, but it’s the truth. This law literally encourages parents to willingly put their young children in situations where they are not properly supervised.

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WAY TOO OLD. ARREST THEM

If a 20 year-old comes and knocks on your door to trick-or-treat–yeah that’s pretty weird as hell. That kid should probably be checked out by cops because whatever their intentions (besides some free candy), they cannot be good. But you can be for damn sure that if my little brother, who still looks like a baby to me (he’ll always be the baby of the family),

There is already petitions calling for this law to be revoked. Just absurd. Can you do citizens arrests? Would be pretty crazy to go on a witch hunt for some young teens.

Trick or treat,
Smell my feet. 
Give me something good to eat. 
If you don’t,
I don’t care,
I’ll just smash your fucking pumpkins and you’ll have to call the cops to get me to leave if you fucking don’t so it’s your call you little bitch.

Dating, Entertainment, Romance

There Are Enough Reasons to Believe that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s Relationship Might’ve Been For Publicity

Everyone loves reading about a couple that is moving way too fast. And the tabloids are going nuts over Bieber and Baldwin, and Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Oh, I don’t think that most people eat up the gossip for their love. I think they like to see how everyone knows how destructive making an impulsive choice like getting engaged after a month can be.

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Because Love makes you do some crazy things, but infatuation will make you do things that will get you checked into an Asylum. Just like everyone is waiting for either Justin Bieber or Haley Baldwin to file for an annulment, everyone was waiting for America’s favorite couple to crash and burn–Pistol Pete and Awesome Ariana (more like Pitiful Pete and Awful Ariana).

But, some have speculated–some being me and my sister–that it all might have been fake. I wouldn’t say I am a conspiracy theorist persay, but more I do believe that the government has secret artificial intelligence that’s living among us and gathering information on everyone.

The Timeline of events that Happened was Way too Coincidental:

Ariana Grande’s entire relationship was covered by the tabloids on a day to basis, literally from the moment of their relationships inception. Ariana split with Mac Miller in early May. Shortly after, Pete Davidson is approached by Scooter Braun–manager to both Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber–who tells him that Arana Granda is very interested in Davidson said he “couldn’t fucking believe it.” Yeah..neither can we.

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Davidson and Grande then hangout at an SNL afterparty–4 days after she announced her and Mac’s breakup on Instagram. And then 4 days after that Davidson announced on his Instagram that he and his girlfriend (Larry David’s daughter…gonna be a real career booster breaking her heart). And then 4 days after that the two announced their relationship together! The power of 4s! The tabloids went nuts for the story. It’s so juicy it seems…unreal.

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They begin doing late night interviews  professing their love like Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark (Peeta Davidson lol)–and everyone believes that their love is strong and true because Pete Davidson is that guy who is too high, shameless, and brutally open to lie.And Ariana Grande acts like a little girl that is too “innocent” to exaggerate their love.  You know who else had to exaggerate their relationship? Peeta and Katniss.

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The two have done about a bazillion things to keep them as the Prom King and Queen of the media. EX: Pete talking about how amazing their sex is, Ariana mentioning his large dong, and Pete telling the world that he’s stunned that Grande allows him to stay at her house considering she is so much richer than him. Endless comments we’re made on one another’s Instagram about their love The two got numerous tattoos for the the other, a few of them matching.

Fact: 100% of couples that get matching tattoos regret it. You never hear

Grande and Davidson are engaged less than a month of her announcement of her and Mac Miller’s breakup. Less. Than. A. Month. We knew Pete Davidson was impulsive, “because fuck it,” he always says–but damn…how high were you man?

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And after that, the media just came everywhere about their engagament. Pcitures of their wedding ring go viral, reports of Grande’s liked tweets are studied for as much information as possible.

On June 19th, one week after their engagement, Ariana drops her album, Sweetener, and it has wild success–it debuts at number 1 on the billboard charts.

At this point, the couple seems to be unavoidable for those with access  to the internet. The day after her album release, Pete and her get matching tattoos. Nothing like making permanent markings to your body as a gesture of your love for something that is inevitably going to destruct.

The Grande and Davidson coupley stuff takes a back burner at this time to Baldwin and Bieber as Baldwin and Bieber are engaged on July 7th, and married on the 13th.

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The media goes bananland. Girls everywhere are sad. One has to wonder if the common factor (Manager Scooter Braun) has anything to do with these attention-drawing quick marriages.

Just after that, Mac Miller passes away on September . Ariana apparently took it very hard as she always tried to help her ex with his sobriety. Despite the news just breaking, Ariana and Pete split up over a week ago because, “Ariana has been devastated and Pete couldn’t handle it. She realized she needs a grown-up who can support her and that’s not him.”

Ariana plans to go home to “be with her loved ones and work on her new album without a deadline.” She also said that she will be taking a break from the public life for a while.

The Theory:

I personally believe that Ariana Grande used the wild roller-coaster of absolutely awful decisions that was her relationship with Pete Davidson as a publicity stunt to garner attention towards her because she was dropping her album. Other than going on late night talk shows or doing random interviews or throwing up a “download my album next friday!”, musicians can’t really sell advertisements. So, if you think about it, one way to get some free advertising is just to get yourself in some E-news…because every time someone writes an article about an artist, they’ll mention at some point in the article about the album dropping they just will because it’s something relevant happening that person’s life.

What Confirms the Theory

1.  Scooter Braun is Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande’s manager. It makes sense that both couples that got engaged right away–garnering a ton of attention–would have the same manager.

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2. . Scooter Braun approached Davidson about the relationship. Doesn’t it seem odd for a manager to be controlling someone’s romantic life? You’re telling me that Ariana, or someone in her posse, didn’t know someone else famous that could get Pete’s number? Or Slid into his DM’s? I know he doesn’t like social media but hot damn, I am sure he’d have liked that.

3. After being approached by Braun, Davidson broke up with his girlfriend (Cazzie David) after two years of dating. Two years! Dropped just like that after one conversation…I know it’s Ariana Grande, but damn…kinda sounds like there was something else involved.

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4. Ariana Grande went to Pete Davidson’s SNL show on Saturday and hungout afterward’s with Davidson and their friends. Fox reported that the couple actually broke up a week ago and it was just announced the other day. Yet, the couple was looking couply as ever at the SNL show after party.  Grande’s people have since said that she was there so none of their friends would think anything is wrong between them “as they didn’t want their breakup to get publicity.” Are you kidding? What a brutal excuse. Can’t Davidson just tell their friends that she is feeling under the weather? And I really don;t know any boyfriend that can stand being in the same room with their ex-girlfriend that literally just dumped them. Wouldn’t the perfect excuse to throw people off of the trail that they want publicity to say that they were actually trying to shield publicity? It’s all very coincidental.

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5.  Haley Baldwin commented this on Scooter Braun’s instagram picture he posted of him and his wife:

This is just BEFORE Bieber and Baldwin got together. So we know Braun brought them together. The man might be a publicity genius.

6.  Just after the Ariana Grande and Davidson split, reports today have come out that a source has said that Justin still is not over Selena Gomez–causing problems between him and Haley. The timing is wild.

 

 

7. Scottie Braun aspires to be, “a major media mogul.” And Scooter is known for his “aggressive online cross-promotion between clients.” So their manager’s forte is promoting his client’s by having them interact? Interesting.

8. Multiple times, Ariana Grande has been accused of moving too fast with Pete, especially after Baldwin and Bieber got engaged. And Multiple times, she has defended herself in anger. If you accuse someone of something that isnt true, their first reaction isnt to get angry and defend themselves. The normal reaction is deny the accusation with confusion about how they arrived at the accusation. Or they find the accusation almost comical because they find it absurd. People that get defensive because they know the accusation is true. Ariana fighting online with random twitter trolls about the legitimacy  of her and Pete’s love. Sounds like someone feels guilty.

9. Ariana Grande has told a fan on Twitter that the music she is making is “sick.”

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Entertainment, Men's Health, Music

Snoop Dogg has Erectile Dysfunction and is Wildly Insecure About It

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Snoop Dogg is the spokesperson for ForHims–a company that sells personal wellness products for men. They call baldness and erectile dysfunction optional because of their products.

Here is Snoop doing a ForHims commercial advertising their remedy for Erectile Dysfunction.


THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT SNOOP DOGG HAS A CLAUSE IN HIS CONTRACT THAT SAYS HE ISN’T AFFECTED BY ED. You cannot convince me otherwise.

Are you serious? Can’t ForHims get someone to endorse that this product works? If Snoop Dogg really doesn’t get erectile dysfunction, then why the hell should I buy a product that he says works when he doesn’t even use it?

That’s like Dunkin’ Donuts coming out with a commercial where the spokesperson says,

“Hey, I am not a coffee drinker, but you should drink this coffee because it’s the best for your coffee needs! Again, I personally don’t use this product, so I really don’t know if it’s good or not to meet your coffee needs, but you should get it because it’s the best!”

If Snoop Dogg truly can endorse ForHims based on his personal experience with their ED vitamins, then he is literally so insecure about not being able to make his little snoop into a big Dogg that he actually did a commercial where he MADE A POINT to say that he doesn’t have boner probs in the bedroom.

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Snoop, if you’re worried about your image being tarnished or something, you don’t have to worry! You do a show with Martha Stewart. You host the horrendous game show “Jokers Wild.” Your rep in the public eye already low. You can’t raise your rep after that….kinda like something else of yours that can’t rise up.

(At least we know why Snoop wanted to endorse ForHims.)

Snoop, you’re a 46 year-old hundred-millionaire that smokes enough weed to singlehandedly keep California’s economy afloat. I think that whoever you are sleeping with has a reasonable expectation that your d-o-double pee pee might not work considering your last brain cell just got higher than a 747 from a 3-lb joint you just finished. Honestly, you shouldn’t be worried about your insecurities about your erectile dysfunction, you should worry about lung dysfunction.

I spent a lot of time bashing Snoop Dizzle, but I gotta say, he seems just so lovable, kinda soft and cuddly–Just like his faulty phallus!

If you have ED issues, don’t feel emasculated or embarrassed…those ideals come from early-mid 20th century ideals of masculinity…I mean, this outdated thinking comes from a time where the man at the forefront of WW2 and the Holocaust famously had micro-penis. Yes, Adolf Hitler, the sick gentrifier who’s beliefs we’re so backwards that he did something as horrible as the Holocaust, reinforced animalistic, uncivilized thought processes of what makes a man a man. So basically, if you feel embarrassed about your ED, you agree with Hitler’s beliefs. Denounce Nazi’s. Denounce scrotal scrutiny.

And if you do have ED, it’s not a big deal! Everyone gets whiskey dick from time-to-time. Many get dick diminishing side effects from medication. Even hormone enraged teens get a soft slug from nerves or jitters–or anyone that’s nervous for that matter! You don’t want to live a short life (and we’re not talking about life expectancy in terms of age, but life expectancy in terms of inches).

Talk it up so you can get it up!

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Health and Lifestyle

New Jersey Surfer Dies of “Brain-Eating Amoeba,” After Visiting Water-Park

Fabrizio Stabile died on September 21st from Nagae Fowleri–an infection that is incredibly rare, but incredibly deadly.

Stabile contracted the infection (no shot I’m spelling it out Nagae fowleri again…well, besides that last one) BSR Cable Park’s Surf Resort. The park isn’t sure when stabile was at the park, but they are sure that he was in the wave pool.

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Stabile was 29 years-old.

There have only been 147 cases in the United States between 1952 and 2017. Of those 147, only 4 lived to tell the tale–A mortality rate of 97.3%. This may not be your typical wave pool, but it is still a germ-filled waterpark nonetheless:

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All water-parks are cesspools–anyone that’s ever been to the Great Wolf Lodge will tell you that the joy of seeing your kid smile is NOT worth the month of feeling sick you’ll feel afterwards. It’s really unfortunate that stabile contracted this brain eating infection, but is anyone really surprised that he contracted this disease in a wave pool? You have a better chance coming out healthy after making the Andy Dufruesne army crawl through miles of prison poop pipes than you would in a wave pool. Probably.

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The Center for Disease Control will tell you the same thing. Probably. I may be wrong, but I may not be wrong.

There are a billion reasons never to go swimming (sickness, drowning, sharks, man-eating octopii, giant squid and other creatures of the deep, drowning, etc.). But only a few reasons to go take a dip (exercise, to cool off, snorkel, general fun). But ask yourselves this: is the possibility of catching a brain-eating infection that 97% of people worth swimming in a wave pool?

Why do you think every water park on earth has that one slide that is basically a giant toilet bowl?

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Entertainment, Pets and Animals

Not Clickbait: These Fish are So Bizarre that They Make Reading This Blog About Fish Surprisingly Entertaining

Here are some pictures of real, underwater creatures that are either super nasty, creepy, pretty, or funny enough to keep you entertained. Some would argue that these facts are “WTF” facts (What The Fish facts)

They say we have only researched 5% of the ocean floor–we are lucky to have discovered the following useless knowledge about the creatures of the deep:

 

The Barrel Eye Fish

Honestly, this fish is god damn unbelievable. The top of it’s face is literally transparent so you can see it’s brains and stuff. Honestly, the inner mechanicians of its mind are an enigma.

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THESE ARE UN-EDITED.

They literally look like they have a small solar system in their brains. They probably do. In case you are wondering, the transparent part is to help the fish see through it’s skull.

 

Sarcastic Fringehead

I have found a part of the internet made up excllusively of marine biologists that think the name “Sarcastic Fringehead” for this fish is like the funniest thing ever said.

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WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY LAUGHING AT? That might be the scariest thing I’ve ever seen! I bet they find Stephen King Novel’s are hilarious too.

Peanut Worm

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This creature of the deep goes out to all you ladies out there. It should’ve been the Ron Jeremy worm. That doesn’t look anything like a peanut!

Black Swallower

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…The black Swallower pretty much made this list because I thought the name sounded dirty.

It can stretch it’s throat and stomach to fit big ass things in it. The preceding sentence was purposely written with vague vocabulary so that there for the sexual innuendo.

Frilled Shark

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Some call it a “living fossil” because it, at minimum, dates back to the Late cretaceous period (95 million years ago), and quite possibly the Late Jurassic Period (150 million years ago).

You’d pretty much never see this alive in the ocean (BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE ALREADY KILLED YOU) (kidding) because it’s so deep. We pretty much know it exists because of carcasses washing ashore. It’s been seen rarely by deep sea dives in its natural habitat.

Goblin Shark

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Does it kinda look like a goblin to you?

As you have probably guessed, its name DOES NOT come from looking like a goblin, but because when it eats, it gobbles like a turkey.

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Unfortunately, I am kidding.

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It’s named Goblin Shark because its big ass nose makes it look ugly as fuck like those pricks from Harry Potter’s Gringots.

Giant Sea Spiders….

suck.

The deepest spot in the ocean is the MArine Trench off of the coast of Japan. Because of this, normal sized creatures have Gigantic creatures apart of the same family (like Colossal squid, Jellyfish, etc.) Being large helps them survive because food is sparce at the bottom of the ocean so the bigger they are, the better they can fight and demolish their prey.

So yeah this is a real thing:

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Everyone ever:

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More!

um………………………………………………………………………………………………..excuse me……………..  ……………………………………………but like…………………………………………………………………………….  ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………      ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….fucking Ew?

Hydromedusa

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This is a hydro medusa jellyfish. It can come in many forms and can look really aesthetically pleasing. Amazing that these jellies can produce that light in places that barely, if ever, get sunlight. Here is a rainbow hydro-medusa:

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Cant help but notice that the transparent part resembles the reservoir tip of a condom.

Game of Thrones Brittle Starfish

This is a type of brittle star that is named after GoT because the people that discovered in in New Caledonia thought it’s sharp thorns make it look like the Game of Thrones crown.

Game of Thrones Brittle Star

I mean… I guess. But the explorers from New Caledonia (????) best be prepared to answer the call when real GoT fans ask, WHICH CROWN, MY LORD?

Deep Sea Hatchetfish

These fish literally look like they are the dead, zombie versions of dory. They shuld make an R-rated spin off of Finding Dory where Dory’s parents come back to haunt her and, because of her short term memory, she doesn’t realize they’re her parents and was never in harm’s way!

Don’t show this to children:

Found Dory…in my god damn nightmares.

Scale Worms

These are worms so evolved that they can survive the harshest environments around the world, stemming from living in the deepest parts of the ocean.

That’s cool and all, but they are straight up fricking gross and scary looking:

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Is that a scale worm or a shocked grandma? These are literally making me feel too ill.

They look like this when they “turn their mouths inside out” to eat.

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That’s enough internet for the day.

Goodbye.

 

P.S. Here is your casual under-water lake. No big deal…just a lake in a lake.

Entertainment, TV

Gloria is Definitely-Probably-Possibly Whose Dying On “Modern Family” Next Season

Co-creator of Modern Family Christoper Lloyd told Entertainment Weekly that a significant character dies next season:

(Entertainment Weekly) “We’re handling some bigger life events in this season,” he says. “We do deal with a death, which is certainly a topic that families have to deal with, and on television, it’s not easy to do because that’s a heavy subject. But at the same time, it would seem unusual for a family not to go through it.”

Not surprisingly, Lloyd isn’t revealing who is headed six feet under — or if it’s one of the main family members — but he promises that he/she is a “significant character on the series” and the death “will be a moving event — and an event that has repercussions across several episodes.”

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My face after immediately knowing who it would be.

Unfortunately, we dont have access to the cast of Modern Family’s contracts.

Fortunately for you, I tend to watch Modern Family when nothing better is on TV.  I am pretty much an expert on shows that you settle for. Have I watched them completely out of order? Yes. Do I know the exact chronology? Time is a circle (Source: Arrival). Still questioning if I know the timeline? Getting Excited?

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For starters, you can pretty much safely assume that none of the younger kids dying. Haley and under are safe because it just would not work for the show’s genre. A parent losing their child is the worst thing that can happen to them. Everyone in the show would be effected immensely, and there is no way to make it moving, while somehow being funny. I dont think audiences would love the death of a child either.

Gloria: Frontrunner to die. See ya 6 feet under!

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Gloria’s walk through the shadow of death makes the most sense as her and Jay’s immediate family has the biggest opportunity to keep the lighthearted feel, while still empathizing for the family’s loss. This is how the family dynamic’s would play out should Gloria pass on:

Jay would put on a tough exterior as to not worry Mitch and Claire and their families.He’d never want to talk about it, while silently suffering, looking at photos of her every night  before bed. Mitch and Claire would yap on the phone about how to approach Jay and be there for him, but both feel that their relationships with Jay guarantees uncomfortably. Phil would respond by being very, very upset, but his heart would break for Jay. Phil would inappropriately hug Jay and tell him that he’s there for him, to Jay;s annoyance.

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Mitch is bound to have an awkward talk with Jay, urged by Cam. Jay and Gloria’s other son, Joe, is just too young to understand what is really happening. Manny will be deeply distraught, but is already somewhat of a drama queen so it sort of works. I can just see him reciting Edgar Allen Poe in his dark room for two months.

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The things that could happen are endless. I can see Gloria’s family in Colombia attempting have Gloria return to Colombia for a burial in her home country with proper religious rituals. Jay would fight to keep her by her kids.

Easily, you can see Manny’s dad attempting to get custody of Manny. Jay’d fight for Manny since he wants him to stay, in addition to Manny not wanting to be forced to move to Colombia. Their bond would strengthen and seal forever. Additionally, I can easily see Jay trying to get Manny ready for adulthood and its responsibilities out of fear that he doesn’t have enough time left to live until Joe can be on his own. Then, Manny would need to be there for him.

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A situation where Jay shows a moment of vulnerability would definitely happen somewhere in there between he and an unlikely witness to said vulnerability that strengthens their bond (I can picture this happening with Mitch, Claire, Phil, or Cam).

I really cant picture any other situation playing out.They would not kill Mitch or Claire, or anyone from the Claire-Phil family as it would be too emotionally draining. And it would be such a Cop out if Phil’s father dies because they already did an entire episode where his Mother dies (Season 4, Ep. 24 “Goodnight Gracie”).

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Some think Jay could pass as he is the oldest and it would tie up the show in a nice little bow as the family comes together to try and help Jay, who upon his death, smiles because he has fully prepared his children to deal with the world and their family, while fulfill Gloria and Cam’s wishes of not feeling like some sort of outsider.

Cam is the only other character you could make an argument for that they’ll be written off as he is sorta on the outside, relatively.

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His death would require Mitch to step to full time duties with Lily while working. Mitch would rely on his family more and more for help, making everyone closer.

So yeah, see ya Gloria. Sorry for the typos. DUECES !

Movies, You’re being lied to

Have you Ever Heard a Parent Shrieking Outside of a Burning Building Their Child is Trapped in And Felt Urged to Help? Too bad.

Have you ever wondered why the parent screaming, “Help! My baby is in there!’ outside a burning building?

I mean, what bad parent would run out of a burning building before helping their child? You’d think that they’d stay their, doing anything for their child. Most parents would agree that they’d trade their lives to save their kid’s. And most would go down with a fire trying to save their child, especially if they couldn’t get to the child due to wreckage.

I am sure that had that weird, “I feel like I’m forgetting something,” feeling when she was gunning it down the fire escape. Watch this scene where Tobey Maguire gives a baby he saved from a burning building to back this ABSOLUTELY UNSCATHED couple.

You could argue that the person chose to run outside and grab a firefighter to come chop through the wreckage, but could you really ever leave your child there alone, to wonder if they’re going to die or not? I doubt it. And honestly, the human body can do amazing things when in extraordinary, grave situations (shout-out to adrenaline for helping people lift up cars). There is nothing stronger than a parent’s sheer fucking will to save their child.

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Lets say that in our hypothetical situation, the parent that was crying outside did everything they could for as long as they could until the fire raged to a point where they thought that abandoning the kid to go outside and scream for help was their last and only option.

If you ran in to help the kid, do you really think that there is something that you can do that a Parent couldn’t do to save their kid?We are capable of astonishingly breath-taking feats of strength and pain to save our children, like lifting up cars or blocking out the pain from a gashing wound. Interstellar told us that evolution tells us that ensuring our kid’s survival becomes our will to live. We live for our children. We die for our children. What in Santa Clause’s asshole do you think your over-confident ass could do in a fire that the crying parent couldn’t?

And by the way, you’re running into a fire that got so bad it forced said parent^ to leave. You are running into certain death. You cant help anyone if your body is roasted to a medium-well crisp.

Are there even fires anymore.

Well… not really, but still kinda, well I mean yes, but everything is relative, you know?

In 2015, there we’re about than 1,345,000 fires in the United States according to Fema.

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If you, like myself, reacted like the duck pictured above because 1.35 million fires is a preposterously large number. It literally made my super duper best friend in the whole entire world do a double (killer) take:

…also you should keep in mind that it really is not a preposterously large number for fires.Firstly, that stat counts each fire as any fire that firemen responded to. Meaning it includes everything from wildfires to restaurant kitchen mishaps.  Secondly, 1.35 million fires is actually down 19% annually since 2006

The US averaged 358k structure fires per year from 2011-2014, meaning any literally house, building, barn, outhouse, etc.  where “more than one of it’s components catches fire.”

Pretend all 358,000 structure fires came solely from households.  Only 0.28% of homes would be affected. 0.28%. For comparison, have a 1 in 7.2 chance of being disfigured, disabled, or killed by a parasite (13%) in your lifetime! 13%! Compare 13% to 0.28%. that isn’t even 0.28% of being injured by a fire! It’s a 0.28% chance that your home is one of the 358 thousand out of America’s 122.2 Million homes *affected* by a structure fire. Parasites! 1/7.2! Antibiotics now!

To make my argument stronger, I have chosen not to get a quote from a paid-fireman–mostly because I couldn’t frigging find one. It is easier to find the fountain of Youth or the city of el dorado than a professional fire-fighter (69% or 788,000 of all firefighters are volunteers).

Let that sink in.

More than 2/3rds of firemen are volunteers. No duh, the government isn’t going to pay firemen when there’s no fires. Being a firemen would be like being a lawyer in a country with no laws.

Of course, I am not belittling firefighters. I cant even imagine what it’s like to run into a burning building. tend to underestimate the danger firemen put themselves because they are wear fire-retardant gear. The reality is that the real danger comes from being crushed by something falling, or getting trapped under a ceiling. It’s hard to imagine running into a task with the goal of finishing one’s work before time runs out, which is when building collapsing on them. Talk about a job with a deadline.

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It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire.

It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire that all components head-to-toe are covered in flames.

It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire that all components head-to-toe are covered in flames and has one or more parents outside of it squawking about their trapped child whom they somehow left in the building.

It’s even more unlikely that you’ll ever happen upon a fire-related emergency that is a structure fire that all components head-to-toe are covered in flames and has one or more parents outside of it squawking about their trapped child whom they somehow left in the building, and has rubberneckers just watching the building ablaze, you’d ignore the bystander effect, attempt to take the responsibility normally assumed by Firemen, and ignore police shouting not to go in the building.

Okay so what did we learn?

–You’ll never be presented with a heroic situation to run into a burning building

–You are being dumb for running into the building

–Someone should question if it is in the best interest of the child to return to a parent that is willing to leave them for dead from a structure fire.

–If you really want to help you should either ask an officer or firemen or call social worker  for the self centered parent. Can’t stress that that person should not be a child’s dependent enough.

–You have a moderate chance of being killed or disabled by a parasite (1 in 7.2)– We need parasite-fighters not firefighters! If only people could be volunteer doctor’s like you could firemen. Too bad that will never happen because being a volunteer firemen doesn’t require hundreds of thousands of dollars and 8 years minimum minimum to be a doctor! And then 3 years of residency to know what your doing!

 

EDITORIAL UPDATE******* I just remembered that parents house burned down and lost everything in it. Now I feel really bad.

Health and Lifestyle, Pets and Animals

CDC finds that Puppies caused spread of infection–Would you risk these symptoms to play with the pups?

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First of all, the article that initially reported on the CDC finding embellished almost every important part of the article to make the infection seem so much worse than it was.

The article said, “Puppies to blame for sickening hundreds of people” in  “multiple states.” Firstly, only 118 people got sick. I guess any number over 100 classifies as ‘hundreds.’ Secondly, “multiple states” was referring to more than one state.

And all that might be excusable if the infection was deadly as the article implies, but it ins’t deadly at all. In fact, the article only listed one symptom associated with the bacteria, Camplyobacter: diarrhea.

Yeah, no doubt I’d trade diarrhea to play with those lovable as fuck little shits.

Those puppies are so fucking it burns my insides. Maybe that’s diarrhea. You could tell me the diarrhea was going to travel up to my stomach and implode in my esophagus, killing me in the process, and I’d still trade it to play with the puppers.

Classic media complaining about nothing, just trying to change public perception of puppies, and make you fear random illnesses. Puppies are not the enemy, ABC. Watch Isle of Dogs for references, ABC.

Entertainment, Sports

Brown’s 21-17 Win Over Jet’s Solidifies that Cleveland Fan-Base Sucks, Arguably the Worst Fans in All Sports

Cleveland sports are often associated with misery, gloominess, loss, and a general feeling of depression. Why is it that everytime we picture Cleveland sports, there’s always a cloudy sky? Even though the Cavaliers play inside at Quicken Loans Arena, isn’t it still somehow god damn cloudy?

Brown’s fans are rejoicing for their first win in 20 games. You’d think the Brown’s won a lottery that they all chipped in for so they could buy decent players.If any other fan’s talked the way Brown’s fan’s are, people would be squashing their happiness with shit-talk. Internet trolls work fast. browns-fans-after-week-2-onflmeme-broluns-browns-fans-now-18355354

However, this isn’t happening withe Browns. And If you express how you think Brown’s fans are over-celebrating and over-estimating how big of a feat their first win is to  any football fan, they’ll respond with, “Oh come on. They’ve had such bad luck for so long– they deserve it.” They deserve it? Why? For being disloyal to their team? Just because you root for a team that’s been brutally mismanaged by its owners for years doesn’t entitle you to jack shit. Cry about it.

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Is it because you spent $200 on that mask just to cheer for an 0-16 season?

First of all, with the way Brown’s fan’s are celebrating their win, you’d think the Son of God reincarnated himself to return as the Brown’s starting quarterback, while Satan and his demons ran the defense.

Ok relax dog pound. One single game was won. One. Against the Jets. I know that there can sometimes be “get over the hump” effect where it might feel really hard to get that first win, and once that win comes the W’s start rolling, but get realistic. It’s been one win. You know who else has 1 win in the NFL’s opening 3-weeks? The Jets. Boom. Need I say more?

The Brown’s getting their first W against the Jet’s is like losing your virginity to a hired hooker. Yes, you technically got what you wanted, but do you really want that to be your first?

Secondly, Brown’s fans are just the most disrespectful fans in the game. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around how disrespectful Brown’s fans are for their team.

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This is something that a fanbase of opposing team’s do. I think the eagles did something like this during for their opponents in Minnesota during the playoffs last year.

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Why would the player’s even want to win for fans that are so disrespectful to them?

After all this, the Brown’s organization recognized that their fan-base has sort of given up on hoping for win’s. The fan’s stop rooting for their team, and game attendance declined.

The Brown’s organization had to incentivize their fans to come to their games, get fans rooting for the Brown’s again. The Cleveland Brown’s now have their famous “beer-prize.” Everytime Cleveland gets a win, bud light fridges all over the CITY open up and free beer is given to the fans. Literally the city is supplied with beer for a giant party.

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Loyal fans would agree with me that nothing keeps you from rooting for your team. Additionally, loyal fans would never not go to a game just because their team sucks. Even if they are so bad that it’ almost a guaranteed loss, loyal fans go to the game no matter what–even if the game doesn’t even matter in the long run. Brown’s fans were disloyal and abandoned ship, only to come back when the organization literally begged the fans to root for them again by promising free beer with every win. No matter how much a team may struggle, you’ll never see a team from the NFC East beg their fans to attend with free beer. Thick and thin.

Football stadiums stop serving alcohol early in the 3rd quarter to help ensure that no one can buy alcohol too close to possibly operating a car. I guess Cleveland promotes drunk  driving:

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Hmmm…nothing about DD’s or DWI’s here.

Oh, here’s another thing: CLEVELAND SPORTS ARE GOOD. We just think they suck because the brown’s spread their Brown loser-spray all over the Cavalier’s and Indians. The loser Brown’s lump all of Cleveland’s teams together and label the city as losers. But in recent years, the Cavs and Indians have been really fucking good (not for long though Cavs…LeBye James).

The Brown’s are like a blackhole. Blackholes have a gravitational pull so strong that light cannot escape from it. The Brown’s have the same effect on all of Cleveland’s sports…their near winless seasons each year cause a darkness of losing with a pull so strong that Wins cannot escape the gravity of something like a repugnant Brown 0-16 season. We call this the Brown-Hole (sometimes it’s sort of pinkish for people with fairer skin).

The atrocity of the Brown’s is mentioned so often that we associate Cleveland with losing–our first reaction to “Cleveland Sports” is “bad, winless sports.” However, if you remove the black hole from an area in Space, you’d be able to see the light in it. Similarly, if you remove the Brown-hole from Cleveland, you’d be able to see that the other Cleveland teams are actually good.

The Cavs literally just won an NBA title in 2016 and have gone to the NBA finals the last 4 seasons (every year since 2014).The Cleveland Indians went to the World Series two seasons ago in 2016, and went to the ALDS last year. If you have three major sports teams in your city, and two of them go to the playoffs and finals every season–one of which just won a finals title–your city is one of the winnin-gest cities of major sports in the country.

Quit your whining, Cleveland. No other city throws temper tantrums every time their team goes through a drought of sucking.

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too bad brown’s fans are on naughty list!

The Chicago Cubs didn’t win a World Series until they smacked the Indians in 2016. I wonder…if they lost, would Chicago parade for their World Series drought? Or boycott games because, hey, what’s the point? They won’t win the World Series anyway. Guess we’ll never know because the Mistake on the Lake screwed the pooch with that one.

Stop babying Brown’s fans. They love their “woe is me” identity they’ve created for themselves so you feel bad for them. Yet, the reality is, many cities have it worse. Leave the weak behind. Put Brown’s fans in the dirt. Flush them down the toilet where they belong (If it’s brown, flush it down).

Can you imagine being a Phoenix/Arizona sports fan and rooting for these brutally dismal teams?

  • NFL—Arizona Cardinals
  • NBA—Phoenix Suns
  • MLBArizona Diamondbacks
  • NHLArizona Coyotes

GET UP OUT THE DESERT IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT.

Entertainment, Movies, Uncategorized

Sarah Jessica Parker is Viciously Countersuing Claim that She stole $150,000 of Jewelry

Looks like Hurricane-Florence has a chance of hitting New York as Kat Florence is brewing up a storm for SJP. Kat Florence Design is suing Sarah Jessica Parker, alleging SJP $150,000 “stole” worth of Jewlery.

What Happened-  Kat Flo Design hired SJP for a campaign shoot. SJP was given some of the Jewlery from the shoot to wear at “red carpet evens and other appropriate events.”  Kat Flo says that SJP “requested to borrow the jewlery for “personal use.” SJP’s attorney says that SJP, “was asked to keep” the bling to wear at these events.

Kat Flo said that the Sex in the City failed to return the jewelry after the DOCUMENTED agreed upon date. SJP, who retaliated with a counter lawsuit, said that she not only tried to return the jewlery, she is owed money because Kat Florence Design failed to make their contractually obligated payments for SJP’s jewelry wearing services.

Here are some pics on the ‘gram:

 

What Should Have Happened: SJP made a deal with Kat Florence Design: SJP agreed to  free campaign endorsements for Kat Florence. In exchange to use Florence’s jewelery store to film her new Heist movie of which she is producing and starring.

SJP’s character breaks in to the Jewelry store. Her character is a strong woman with strict morals (typical Carrie Bradshaw), hoping that it might alleviate the guilt she feels from her horrible past. (We learn that she used to be a slave from mind-control. She worked  butchered newborn babies for her boss: a reality-based version of Gary Bussey–played by himself.

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After being saved by the bell’s Zack Morris aka Mark-Paul Harry Gosselaar (someone should slap Mark-Paul Harry’s parents for naming him that), SJP-character’s mind went back to normal, but because she remembered every single baby, she does as much as she can to redeem her soul). Years later, a man somehow got Bussey’s mind-control device and forces her to steal the jewelry.)

Anyway, devised a plan to steal the jewels by using her movie character. SJP’s character has to replace the jewelry with fakes, so SJP really does rob the store. SJP was working  late on set–the only other person there was the security guard. When he went to take a massive shit, SJP ran around swapping the real  jewelry with the movie replicas. With the real jewelry being used as replica’s, SJP swaps them again for her scene.

After finishing filming, SJP swapped them again when cleaning up. She gave Florence the replica’s, and accepted the real ones–Florence was tricked into thinking she was getting her real jewels back, and giving SJP’s movie props to her. Not the sase. Florence unknowingly watched SJP walk out with the real jewels in hand. Brilliant. Roll credits.

 

Reality:

No offense to Kate Florence Design, but it sounds like SJP didn’t steal jack shite. Firstly, Sarah Jessica Parker has a net-worth of $100 million according to celebritynetworth.com. $100,000,000. That’s a lot of zero’s. And if she shares her account with her husband, Matthew Broderick, she has access to $145 million dollars.

Kate Florence Design, if SJP wanted the jewelry that badly, she could have boughten the jewelry for 0.1% of the money she has. Imagine how little you would care if someone told you they lost a lot of your money, but you still have 99.9% of your $145,000,000, which is $144,850,000. That’s 145 Million, 850 Thousand dollars. If you dropped the 145 Million from that number, you still have a fuck-ton of money. Florence, please be realistic. A person with doesn’t steal $1.

And why the hell would you want someone with awful fashion sense to endorse your accessory design?

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That’s like drinking a drink from serial date-raper Bill Cosby because he said you should. It’s totally not drugged.

And SJP…. come on… stop throwing a hissy fit. It’s one thing to deny the claims for your name, but do you really need to countersue? I mean, all she’d be giving up is $1…….if she had a thousand. Plus… SARAH JESSICA PARKER STILL HAS THE DAMN JEWELRY. She thought she got paid to keep it! Just give it back, why go through the trouble? Out of spite? Anger? Parker makes it seem like this is a personal thing–acting like there may be more to the story than we know. But then again, you’ve seen her movies… that woman does not know how to act!

 

This suit should not be a case. They made a contract for this situation…. just read the contract and do what it says. What’s the matter? Can they not read goodishly?

They have a god damn contract about it. The jusge is literally going to read the damn thing and tell them what to do.

Maybe that isn’t how it works… I think people argue contractual law in court a lot so I could be wrong.

Parker may be ruthless. Florence may be roofless. Only one is truthless. I am a doofus.

Entertainment, Movies, You’re being lied to

BREAKING: Student Discovers Legacy-Altering Subliminal Message(s) in the Spider-man Trilogy After Watching All Three In a Single Sitting

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Since The weather people are telling us that it might rain forever, kill some time inside by watching the OG Tobey Maguire Spider-man movies. Sit back, relax, and let your mind get blown by the man formally known as the Human Spider.

Here are my findings and underlying messages of each film. You might need to get a mop to cleanup your brains after I explode your mind:

Spider-man 1

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While milk-and-toast movie critics will tell you the first movie is about Spider-man using his newly aquired powers for good because of the guilt from Uncle Ben’s of deaPeter Parker chooses not to stop a robbery out of spite for not being paid in full after winning a wrestling match with a cash prize. Though he could have sandwiched the thief with his new powers, he decides not to help the money-guy since he basically just robbed Peter. The robber needs to flea from the cops, and threaten’s Uncle Ben–demanding Uncle Ben hand over his car. The criminal (supposedly) fatally shoots Uncle Ben.

The film stiffs will tell you:

“Spiderman stops crime out of harbored guilt of his selfishness and his failing to act in the situation–vowing to stop criminals and their resultant consequences, wanting to stop lawbreaker’s out of disdain for their willingness to let damaging consequences (i.e. Uncle Ben’s death) happen to good people.” –written by Iam Boring of Dull Monotony Magazine.

Clearly, Iam Boring didnt watch the films back–>to–>back–>to–>back, and back again, backwards, back-to<–back to<–back. Is have found that the first Spiderman is about a boy’s struggle to deal with puberty and his changing bodies.

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Just look at the overhwhelming evidence. Suddenly, Peter Parker wants to excrete this stick white substance from his body? He basically paints his room with his gooey, stringy excretion.by-the-way-that-wasnt-web-memegenerator-net-what-is-it-22079704

Peter has lived next to MJ his entire life and she barely knew it. He has to remind her that his name is Peter when he meets her. And all of the Sudden, Peter finally interacts with MJ?funny-spiderman-memes

All men want one thing, and Spidey wants to web all over her more than a real spider wants to catch a fly and engulf them in webby-cum.

And the Green Goblin as the enemy? Considering green is associated with greed and goblin’s are notoriously greedy (shout-out J.K Rowling), obviously because Peter feels internally distraught over his beliefs that his selfish acts spiraled into the eventual murder of Uncle Ben. He struggles to fight externally while internally struggles with feelings of despair due to his selfishness.

But teenagers are the most moody, overly emotional group of little shits out there. His changing body and mind causes him to be overly emotional, overthink, and over-blame. Puberty up to its old antics again. A sane adult eould realize that the chain reaction of events that all had to occur for Peter’s decision not to stop the robber to an end result of Uncle Ben being shot was wildly unlikely. That;s like your Dad dying on the way to 7/11 to get butter and you blaming yourself for it because you actually had margarine in the fridge. Would spidey be spidey if he didnt blame himself though?

 

Here is some film footage that further proves my point.  Money shot’s like that can only come from a young man discovering his changing body.

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Peter would kill for an MJ-BJ, HJ…would even settle for an MJ-OTPHJ or MJ-OTSSHJ (“over the spidey suit hand job”).

And we we’re all thinking that his first shooting of his white webby load looked like a POV money shot:

L mean literaly look at this photo. They’re not even hiding the fact that everything was supposed to relate to raging sex hormones. The green goblin is literally trying to pull Spidey’s hair! And his left hand is moving in for the reach-around tug:

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That is a POSED photo. There is no way this was consensual….Spiderman’s hands look like they are helplessly flailing…praying they can grab onto something to pull away. OsCorp may have CLAIMED that Norman Osborn stepped down from CEO due for financial, but the real reason was because his wrinkle dick pervy ass was being sued by multiple underage, male interns for sexual assault.

Please recall that Harry was always jealous that his father was impressed by Peter’s brilliance and ambition. It ate at Harry that his dad called Peter family after knowing him only for a few months.

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Hey Aunt MAy, I see your useless Queen of England looking ass over there discussing recipes or some shit…as his guardian. why don’t you pull the 17 year-old minor away from the perv because Norm has been squeezing Peter’s shoulder for a full minute and he literally has an expression on his face that screams “I touch kids and am having too much fun touching peter’s new muscular arms. I want to see Peter’s Peter and Penis Park Peter Parker.”

 

Even Bonesaw has some non-consensual, bondage sex undertones…especially considering a freacking cage drops down and locks Peter in with Bonesaw. Peter literally denies consent and says “No, I didnt sign up for this!”

And then Bonersaw says this:

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Fun Fact:

Bonesaw is a power The

 

 

 

 

The evidence is overhwelming. When Peter realizes he’ll be able to escape Bonesaw’s rape attempts, he mocks the man’s sexuality to his attacker’s frustration. Peter antagonizes Bonersaw, prodding and mocking:

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We do not condone homophobic remarks like this, but I cannot helo but pity how hard it is for teenagers  during puberty–sexually speaking.

 

Like all hormone enraged teens, he started becoming more angry and aggressive. Peter Parker wouldn’t even THINK of getting in a fight. And then he beats the shit out of flash?

Over, Peter literally went from being crying baby to Flash’s new father…because Peter let dat ass know that he’s his Daddy now.

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Uncle Ben and Aunt Mey defintely knew something was up with Peter and his Pubescent difficulties… they assumed he was probably just going through his teenage angst phase  where you wear all black and hate sitcoms.

 

 

Looks like Spiderman and I believe something in common:

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#SoRelatable

 

#SpideySensesAlwaysTingling

 

#MostSensativeSpideySensesAreLocatedOnTheTip

 

Spiderman 2

What a wild turn around for the Spiderman franchise the sequel’s main focal theme revolves around Erectile Dysfuntion. My expert guess is that the main director was sending a subliminal message to his General Practitioner about his ED, considering real manly man can get hard on command, and if you cant, you are soft, little, small, weak, floppy. Is this referring to your penis or your immasculation? Hey, if the shoe fits…

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Peter Parker’s personal life is falling apart as his entire focus is entangled in Spiderman’s tasks. He is losing MJ, he has no money, he can’t hold a job, is failing his classes, and his woe-is-me Aunt May is a broke ass.And like a man without confidence can’t get it up, Spiderman’s gradually loses his ability to jizz web out his wrists and climb walls.

Good news for MJ though…she noticed that spiderman had a habit of stalking her after their upside down kiss:

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He loses his vision, looks thinner and paler, and all around ugly.

Parker goes to the doctor and asks if there is something wrong with his health. The doctor finds no abnormalities.(the Doc must not have looked at his wrists and saw the freaky holes where the web comes out). The GP suspects that his symptoms are all in his head and causing psychosomatic symptoms.

Probably wouldve been better off at a vet or an expert on spider’s.

 

“Wtf?! Peter can lose his Spider-side? It’s not permanent. What the fuck does that doctor know about the anatomy and immune system of a human-spider hybrid?” you exclaimed.

“WTF?! Peter can just turn his Spider powers off and on with some fluctuation to his mental health? Does he have Bipolar depression? Does the spider that bit peter have mental problems? Can spiders feel depressed?” you exclaimed when Peter got his powers back after some self-help and renewed love for Mary Jane.

Think about that. MJ comes back in his life, they’re about to kiss for the first time (as Peter), and THEN HIS POWERS COME BACK? His powers come back forcefully– much harder and quicker than ever. It’s kind of like the first time you get laid after going through a sex drought…if you arent careful, that D is going to poke a god damn hole in your pants. Literally look and think about boners when you watch:

Do you still think it’s hard to believe? Or flaccid to believe?

If Spiderman cocked back a few viagra, would he have gotten his powers back? If a healthy spiderman took a blue bomber, would it be like spider-steroids? Probably, since most bonerific men have tried recreational viagra to perform better for their lady. Spider sure performed for MJ.

 

Spiderman 3

spiderman311

You think you have it figured out. You have the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. You have found the mother of your children. You feel great. You’re job performance is perfectly better than ever. You are loved by everyone. You have achieved happiness. You are sure the rest of you’re life is figured out.

No one thinks all that is going to change. No one thinks they’ll let anything change that. No one thinks the life they thought that had figured out could derail one’s life path. No one ever thinks they’ll become a drug addict.

Spiderman 3 is about struggling with drug addiction–and considering it was release in 2007 with the increasing recognition of the opoid crisis. Venom in Spiderman 3 is a statement about our societies necessity for a demand of attention to not only opoids, but all drug addictions.

Things are going well in Spiderman’s life. Introduce venom  in the form of Spiderman’s black suit. Peter tries it on and immediately feels the pleasurable, rewarding, positively reinforcing nuerological response that happens with all addictive drugs.

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This initial feeling is what causes you to like doing the drug, and a reinforcing want to feel that enjoyment again is what causes you to seek it again.

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NOTE: This is a tangent. Feel free to skip. (Think how you get pleasure when you masturbate. You’re brain is seeking out this feeling of pleasure–the brain really likes it. So you do it regularly. And those with sex/masturbation addictions let it control their daily live’s, affecting their ability to do their daily functions, drugs. Throw in some Guns and Roses and you’ll disappoint every person pre-1960. Sex, drugs, rock and roll.)

We see how the venom takes over Peter’s life. Peter’s personality starts changing. His use goes up and eventually wears the venom suit all day, everyday under his clothing–not when he needs to fight. Parker actually looks high when walking down the street, dancing, making gestures to women, sporadically buying new and expensive clothes, and continued to dance.

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His high turns to uncontrollable anger, isolation from his peers, and a lack of care for important things in his life–classic signs of addiction. He could care less when on the phone with his Professor, Dr. Conners.

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Peter doesnt try to reconcile with MJ after a fight. Parker doesnt see Aunt May at all despite knowing her difficult situation and money struggles.  He physically attacks a coworker, absolutely beats the shit out of that sand dude, fucks up his bffl Harry’s face with a grenade, and the icing on the cake was hitting MJ across the face in a jazz bar.

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The shock that he could do that to MJ was finally Peter’s wakeup call. He decides to take off the suit…and like quitting drugs, it is incredibly hard for him to fight the urge to ward off the venom suit.

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But, as those succeeding in sobriety perservere. Parker would never accept venom’s parasitc nature again, eventually to defeat it forever (like an addict eventually defeats the urge to use entirely).

CONCLUSION: the point of the trilogy was to justify why you should be afraid of spiders…otherwise you’ll have to deal with all the shit Peter Park did.

 

Can’t wait to see the venom movie with Tom Hardy:

venom-trailer-gif_sony

 

His wife is lucky to be liked by a tongue like that.”

 

 

 

 

KILLERTAKES EXCLUSIVE: Venom Script Leaked Scene

Cop 1:Hey newbie,  i got an update…apparently Venom was canoodling with his wife, Poison, and had to stop eating his wife’s ass out because his tongue reached her esophagus………………..while they we’re 69’ing. Venom said he thinks he felt his penis. She was like the oral sex version of a kabob.”

Cop 2:  “Whoah, is she all right?”

Cop 1: “…Um, weren’t you the cop that found her body?”

Cop 2: “Oh yeah.”

Cop 1: ….

Cop 2: “She was hot.”

Cop 1: …..

Cop 2: …..

Cop 1: ……

Cop 2: “Well I guess it’s true: “Once you go black you never go back… you know…because you’re dead.”

Cop 1: Speaking into Cop Radio: “Dispatch please tell captian that if I don’t switch partners, I am quitting.”

Dispatch Lady Cop: Lmao why”

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

PS:

“hey baby, is it opposite day? because victims of snake bites need the venom sucked and spit out…

…and I need you to suck on my snake to suck my venom out, but you won’t be spitting it out.”

Entertainment, Movies

A Ghost Haunted Annasophia Robb (AKA the chick from “Soul Surfer”) and it Definitely Wanted to Bang Her

Remember the child actress that was in like everything (Because of Winn-Dixie, Bridge to Teribithia, Race to Witch Mountain, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Soul Surfer…need I go on?)

Image result for annasophia robb winn dixie

Yeah, she is starring in a new horror movie. Also, she is so hot. That is a fact that needed to be said. It’s possible that every male in their early 20’s developed a little celeb crush on her at one point.

Image result for annasophia robb

I’m getting off topic. Anyway, while filming her new horror movie in Espana, she is certain that she was haunted by a ghost, thinking that it had a connection to a “really creepy” little statue of a woman in her room. The Soul Surfer claims that the ghost was constantly turning on the shower and flickering the lights. Robb says that one time, the shower turned on for so long that there was fog in her bathroom, and the mirror revealed writing on it–though her translator told her it was just a grocery list.

Now, to the casual observer, one might think Robb should maybe take a break from the horror movie role’s. Or go to the loony bin. But we at KillerTakes have a different take.

I wish the ghost was trying to murder her because this could then be KillerTake’s Killer-Take. Though all our takes are killer, you just don’t get opportunity for a play on of words like this one. But I get to make the joke anyway just by explaining the hypothetical situation, so we’ll take that W.

Anyway, the ghost was trying to bang her, no doubt. The ghost would turn the showers on so that he could see her naked, duh. The lights? Casper obviously just wanted to see that booty in the light.

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As for the grocery list…that was just to an excuse to get her to go to the store for some lotion so he could spray ectoplasm all over her while she sleeps.

Image result for horny ghost

This case of the paranormal is open and shut–no need to call the best paranormal investigators since the ghost busters: Zak Bagans and the Ghost Adventures crew. People think that ghosts are always murderers. But hey, can you blame him for being a horn-dog? Or as the Spanish say, “perro-cuerno.”

Don’t quote me on that.