Laughable News, School and Education

Holmdel Highschool Catches SuperIntendent Defecating on Track and Field, quickly nicknamed ‘Principal Pooper.’

Every high school has to deal with their shit on a daily basis. However, no school has ever had as shitty of a problem than that of Jersey’s Holmdel High School.

Some poor high school custodian recently had the shitty job of cleaning up human feces from the school’s track and field area, DAILY. This is the first time that a Highschool wished its residents would stop giving a shit.

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Apparently, the pooper had very healthy diet as this shit happened daily. Eventually, the school had to force their post-poop, washed hand and notify the authorities.

When Shit Hit The Fan:

Police caught the SOB in the middle of the act during surveillance of school grounds. In rapid excretion of information, the cunning crapper (AKA the devious dumper), is none another than Kenilworth’s District Superintendent. Sources say that Thomas Tramaglini, 42,  would’ve pooped his pants if he had anything left.

 

Apparently, Tramaglini shouted, “oh shit!” when authorities tried to subdue him. Unfortunately for the Superintendent, he didn’t have the runs and couldn’t get way. While cuffing him, he reportedly asked, “are you shitting me?” The police we’re constipated with confusion.

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Tramaglini feces charges on Monday in court. Hopefully the court does not intend on dropping the (dis)charges. Tramaglini is taking a leave of absence from his office as superintendent, similar to the leave of absence his copious poops have taken from his body.

Though the arrest was made on Monday, media across New Jersey collectively chose to release the information today: Turdsday May 3rd, 2018.

Tramaglini’s reasoning for his mischievous manure is unknown, but his resolve is unquestionable. Many of us are dying to know why, but it looks like we’re shit-out-of-luck until until Dungday, May 7th.

However, some believe that Tramaglini was just running around the track and field and needed to poop during his morning workout as he lives three miles from Holmdel High School. And I think we’ve all been there–you know, jogging and suddenly needing to poop.

Before you are quick to judge, here are my favorite emergency excretions from movies, lest we forget how randomly and traumatically they onset. The Principal Pooper just may have a case yet.

 

 

You’re being lied to

MUST READ: This fact about Tic-Tacs will make you never want to buy them again

“Behold the true power of freshness.” This is the message that you’ll see on the website of the extremely popular breath mint brand, Tic Tac.

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Unfortunately, there is nothing “true” about Tic Tac’s. One of the main selling points of Tic Tacs® is the fact that they’re “sugar-free,”–something that their mint competitors just cannot compete with. I always thought that other breath mint company’s just didn’t have the means to create a recipe for a breath mint that was sugar-free, health-code abiding, and tasty enough.

Recently, I have been trying to lose weight to build my self-confidence. I try to buy healthier, sweeter options to satisfy my sugar cravings. Most often, this ends up in me buying fruity sugar-free gum or those orange Tic Tacs–you know, the ones that are basically fucking crack.

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But of course, I find out that Tic Tacs are quite literally the opposite of “sugar-free.” Tic Tac’s are almost made up entirely of pure sugar, however, the FDA permits that any serving “under 0.5 gram’s of sugar” is permitted to advertise that their product has 0 grams of sugar. Tic Tacs do indeed have less than 0.5 grams of sugar, however, the entire tac is made up almost entirely of sugar.

And I mean come on, obviously, we all know what you’re doing. Tic Tac purposely makes their serving size only one mint for false advertising reasons. Who the hell only eats one tic tac? I literally will chug a bottle of them. Just the feeling of having one tic tac in your mouth in uncomfortable. Is one tic tac even enough to make your breath fresh?

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Other than the fact that you might be wrecking your diet, please try to spread the word to any that might be affected by health concerns–such as diabetics and anyone else that is sensitive to sugar.

Behold the true power of deceit.

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Study Reports New Warning Sign of Alzheimer’s: Why Millenials Are Fucked

The newest study on senile dementia aka Alzheimer’s found that there is a link between Alzheimer’s and excessive daytime sleepiness. Furthermore, people that have bad sleeping habits.

Awesome news for today’s average millennial college kid. The higher education system has fucked the present day college student is so, so many ways and it just continues to get worse, man. Let’s pretend we’re not constantly thinking:

“FUCK ME HOW AM I GOING TO PAY 200,000 DOLLARS OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE IN A YEAR AND I JUST GOT TURNED AWAY FROM WAWA,”

forget that we can’t  even get a job with our shitty history majors, don’t think about the fact that this screws over lower income families creating an even larger wage gap, don’t think about the civil and  social issues that said wage gap will cause, don’t think about the insane amount of mental health problems you didn’t have before you got here. Ignore that you’re acing exams but are actually failing a class because you aren’t SPEAKING UP ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION GRADE IN A LECTURE HALL.

No, now we can’t even age and die normally. We’re forced to sleep weird hours: study up late, wake up early, then take nap or series of naps. When could be waking up or falling asleep at any given moment. Depends on the person.

The sweet relief of death, the one thing we were looking forward to, the one thing we weren’t anxious about because we were certain it would happen, now is going to fucking plagued with loneliness from not recognizing loved ones, panick attacks, and generalized fear.

Sleeping during the day/ bad sleeping habits  causes your body to not get rid of your amyloid proteins properly. And that causes some folds or some shit, and basically ya bitch ass might have Alzheimer’s now.

Higher education demands more of its students than ever before. As the speed and advancement of tech happens, so too does college work. Professors assign papers and have them due two days later at obscure times. I have an assignment due everyday at midnight. Our parents never had to do that crap. Shit was due in class, or at the very least, in their professor’s mailboxes or so our parents were on a much more regulated schedule than us. Atleast they were seeing the god damn sun for more than two hours.

By the way, not being on a routine, not having good sleeping habits, and not being awake during the sunlight the humongous causes psychological issues. In case the shitty senile dementia we’ll all have isn’t enough.

I hope I get Alzheimer’s to forget how college was bacially a re-boot of the popular beastiality video Mr. Hand.

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As the horse out his  3ft long dick in Mr. hands, got what it needed, and dipped, so too did college dip their hands in our wallets, got what they needed, and left us and mr. hands irreversibly fucked.