Health and Lifestyle

Diabetes Medication Found to Cause Flesh Eating Disease in Worst Possible Place to Have Flesh Eating Disease.

The FDA announced that SGLT2 inhibitors cause necrotizing fascitis, usually referred to as “flesh-eating disease” because it sounds a lot cooler. ‘Flesh eating disease’ also sounds lot scarier, as if you are going to turn into a zombie from The Walking Dead. Image result for walking dead zombies

Diabetics already have to deal with a bazillion symptoms from diabetes. Now they have to worry about becoming real life barbie dolls and action figures? Makes you want to eat kale for dinner.

Just kidding, kale is revolting and unpalatable.

Before people of Diabetes type II freak out… flesh-eating bacteria of the genitals is insanely rare.  We’re talking less than 5 cases per year from 2013-2018.

“Necrotizing fasciitis of the genital area, also called Fournier’s gangrene, is a life-threatening bacterial infection of the tissues under the skin surrounding the muscles, nerves, fat, and blood vessel in the genital area. It is estimated to happen to about 1.6 of 100,000 men annually in the United States, most often among those ages 50 to 79.”

This is the type of vagina eating that you don’t want to happen.  Unfortunately for those with Type II diabetes, losing your leg isn’t the only thing you need to worry about. This disease really makes you think twice about the nickname “pussy-slayer.”

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People forget that Dwight slayed Angela’s pussy…cat.

1.7 million people were prescribed SGLT2 inhibitors last year, so if you notice any of these warning signs, you should probably get it checked out faster than it takes you to orgasm or else you never will again:

  • Redness
  • Pain
  • Swelling (sorry guys…you’re not ‘getting bigger for no reason’)
  • Fever of >100.4 Fahrenheit

To be honest, you don’t need to worry. Over the course of five years, the FDA learned of 12 cases of necrotizing fascitis of the genitals caused from the diabetic medication. Though four of the 12 resulted in serious complications,  Health sites like WebMD are literally designed to scare you, so you stay on the site or research more, giving them more traffic and more money. Remember what your parents taught you: don’t believe everything you read, watch on TV, see on the internet, gossip from friends, or consume from politicians…but you MUST believe in a guy that looks like Santa Clause living in the earth’s stratosphere that is the reason for everything as we know it.” Because the Church wouldn’t lie to us…They’ve never lied to us or been involved in any major scandals.

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New theme song for scandal-quieting Pope Francis: “Highway to Hell,” by AC/DC

 

Don’t google pictures of necrotizing fascitis unless you want to be awesomely disgusted….you know, like the type that is so gross but for whatever reason you can’t look away? It’s like watching videos of horses mating (for educational purposes….it’s fascinating how much the male horse’s legs shake). Flesh eating disease is actually very zombie-esque.

This is the end of the article and everything is boring from here on out.

Here are the list of medications that have been approved for Type II diabetes. I didn’t have to do that, but as you know, I like to go the extra mile for my readers.

  • Canagliflozin (Invokana, Invokamet, Invokamet XR)
  • Dapagliflozin (Farxiga, Xigduo XR, Qtern)
  • Empagliflozin (Jardiance, Glyxambi, Synjardy, Synjardy XR)
  • Ertugliflozin (Steglatro, Segluromet, Steglujan)

Actually I got all this information from WebMD, but you’re better off reading it here. Otherwise they’ll tell you that you’re going to die based off of you’re runny nose.

Entertainment, Men's Health, Uncategorized

20-year Study finds link between Forehead Wrinkles and Heart disease–A List of Celebs Who Should go to the Cardiologist

These French Scientist’s just made half of the world panic when their 20 year study found that prominent forehead wrinkles is tell-tale sign for cardiovascular disease.

So yeah, thanks for making everyone ever think they’re going die soon, assholes.

Anyway, here’s a list of celbrities who should maybe go to the cardiologist for a well-visit.

Mark Wahlberg

All I can say is jesus christ Mark Mark. If you he anymore confused or suprised or anything that will kae his forehead scrunch, he’ll  have a heart attack on the spot.

I mean damn, the indents on that thing make the space between his eyes look like a hot dog bun.

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Marky Marks-All-Over-His-forehead

 

Michael Madsen (Actor from resoivoir dogs, more recently Hateful Eight

Um…ew? The fuck is going on above that right eyebrow?

 

Hugh Laurie— AKA house.

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smallhouse

 

 

 

House is really the only thing anyone knows him for, yet no one knows why they called him house. Rumors have speculated that it is because many long and straight wrinkles on his forehead look remarkably similar to the exterior lining of a house

 

Pictured here is a trendy new style of living space called a “Micro-house,” or coloquially “Hugh Laurie’s Disgusting Forehead.”

 

 

 

Sean Penn

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Is he okay?

Did he already have a heart attack or stroke?

 

 

 

 

Mel Gibson

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Braveheart or diseased heart?

 

 

“This Anti-semite needs anti-wrinkle cream!!!!!” I audibly exclaimed.

 

 

 

 

Chef Gordon Ramsay

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Yeah no shit he’ll have heart disease….Remember when Ramsay used to scream at the top of his lungs at the chef’s on Hell’s Kitchen? He probably has arteries so hardened that they’re made of concrete.

 

Lebron James

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Cleveland fans argue that Lebron James has no heart since he walked out on Cleveland for a second time. Does the correlation between forehead wrinkles and cardiovascular disease still work if you dont have a pumping ticker (and the relative circulatory system).

Trendy jokes aside, Lebron’s forehead resembles a multi-laned turnpike.

Cleavage (noun) is defined as “a sharp division; a split.” Unforuntely, I am not smart enough to come up with a respectable joke that links the word “Cleavage” with “Cleveland” and his forehead wrinkles, but I will say this: I can and will start referring to Lebron as cleavage face.

Tommy Lee JonesTommy-Lee-Jones

While our country cannot thank him enough for the many times Tommy Lee has put his life on the line to save all of Earth in Men In Black, this ain’t no country for old men. You can’t have a forehead that resembles one of the very aliens in your line of work:

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Steve Buscemisteve-buscemi

Steve Buscemi is truly ana amazing person and talented, multi-faceted actor.  I hate that he made this list and I hate that I am quoting wikipedia for this fact beause I was too lazy to think of a summary for it but,

“Buscemi was a New York City firefighter from 1980 to 1984, with Engine Company No. 55, in the Little Italy section of New York. The day after the 9/11 attacks in New York, he returned to his old firehouse to volunteer: he worked twelve-hour shifts for a week, and dug through rubble looking for missing firefighters.”

Awesome.

That being said, Buscemi was probably born with wrinkles on his face. Stinks too because Buscemi could play any role perfectly,

except for…ya know…a role that requires a good looking male.

 

 

Sean Bean

Wasted-sean-bean-screenshot

Ned Stark’s wrinkles really arent that bad, but that initial concave basin that goes fom his eyesbrows to the first crease is mesmorizing. Bean must have to dry that thing out after a shower so it doesnt get moldy.

 

Russel Crowe

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People typically wrinkles around your eyes (also known as “laughing wrinkles”) as “Crow’s feet. We should start calling the wrinkles on your forehead “Crow’s forehead.”

 

Or not, it was just a suggestion.

 

Goerge Clooney

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We now invite every other 50-60 year old that grew up, had kids, and worked a hard, boring life at a cublicle to join us in laughing at Goerge Clooney.

Heart disease is what you get for being single all your life and being a movie star and partyign and enjoying all the finer things (AKA any model he wants). We are happy that there will be one consequence to the amazing life that most midlife men envied, and you enjoyed.

Fuck you Clooney,  have fun with your terrible circulation.

 

 

Robert Deniro

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Humor me and picture Robert Deniro saying this in one of his organized crime role voices:

“Who do ya think ya talking to, Huh? I got wrinkles on my face? Huh? Who the fuck do you think you talkin’ to here, huh?”

 

Deniro spawned a 55+ year career off of his famous scrunched forehead and raised eyebrow look. Dead ass this man has been acting since 1963. 55 years of doing anything is gonna leave a little wear and “tear”….. too bad that the thing he’ll “tear” is his thoracic aorta.

 

 

 

Final Note

Yours truly is a lover of all women  of all types. Out of respect for the beautiful babes, in addition to my sister and mother,  I chose not include any women in this article. No need for the hate-shaming on them, you know (plus most female celebrities got that shit smoothed out by botox anyway lol).

Keeping that in mind, I jsut have to include Reese Witherspoon’s forhead hoping that someone can tell me what. in. the. fucking. hell. is. with. the. smooth. part. above. her. eyebrows.?

Reese Witherspoon

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I’m sorry but somebody somewhere made a mistake. Whether it’s god,  her plastic surgeon, her makeup person, someone slipping  her botox while she sleeps, etc., someone is doing something incorrectly on this woman’s forehead.

 

 

Laughable News, School and Education

Holmdel Highschool Catches SuperIntendent Defecating on Track and Field, quickly nicknamed ‘Principal Pooper.’

Every high school has to deal with their shit on a daily basis. However, no school has ever had as shitty of a problem than that of Jersey’s Holmdel High School.

Some poor high school custodian recently had the shitty job of cleaning up human feces from the school’s track and field area, DAILY. This is the first time that a Highschool wished its residents would stop giving a shit.

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Apparently, the pooper had very healthy diet as this shit happened daily. Eventually, the school had to force their post-poop, washed hand and notify the authorities.

When Shit Hit The Fan:

Police caught the SOB in the middle of the act during surveillance of school grounds. In rapid excretion of information, the cunning crapper (AKA the devious dumper), is none another than Kenilworth’s District Superintendent. Sources say that Thomas Tramaglini, 42,  would’ve pooped his pants if he had anything left.

 

Apparently, Tramaglini shouted, “oh shit!” when authorities tried to subdue him. Unfortunately for the Superintendent, he didn’t have the runs and couldn’t get way. While cuffing him, he reportedly asked, “are you shitting me?” The police we’re constipated with confusion.

Screen Shot 2018-05-03 at 6.55.27 PM

 

Tramaglini feces charges on Monday in court. Hopefully the court does not intend on dropping the (dis)charges. Tramaglini is taking a leave of absence from his office as superintendent, similar to the leave of absence his copious poops have taken from his body.

Though the arrest was made on Monday, media across New Jersey collectively chose to release the information today: Turdsday May 3rd, 2018.

Tramaglini’s reasoning for his mischievous manure is unknown, but his resolve is unquestionable. Many of us are dying to know why, but it looks like we’re shit-out-of-luck until until Dungday, May 7th.

However, some believe that Tramaglini was just running around the track and field and needed to poop during his morning workout as he lives three miles from Holmdel High School. And I think we’ve all been there–you know, jogging and suddenly needing to poop.

Before you are quick to judge, here are my favorite emergency excretions from movies, lest we forget how randomly and traumatically they onset. The Principal Pooper just may have a case yet.

 

 

Health and Lifestyle, You’re being lied

Overweight North Americans: Here is Why You Should Stay Fat for Your Health

If you live in North America, chances are that you’ve at the bare minimum atleast considered dieting. Even if you are naturally thinner and don’t have a medical reason to diet—you probably have picked the McDonalds salad over the chicken nuggets once or twice (until one person somewhere told you the salads were more fattening and you decide to get the nuggets anyway).

If you’re thinking about a 3rd slice of cake that ‘you’re only considering because no one else is around and it’s going to rot in the fridge soon,’ get your gullet ready because ol’ KillerTakes has got some goodbad news for you. No, it’s not a good news, bad news situation. It’s good-bad news… This news is horrifying and tragic, but has a nice silver lining for the obese and repulsive populates, AKA most of our bloggers here at KillerTakes.

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The Continent of North America is known for exactly three infinity units of things

For example, this is my representation of North American’s Fatboy reputation using pictures of yours truly.
←←←←←

However, arguably the most disturbing of North American reputations  is its startling number of domestic, civilian mass murders.

Exclude from photo above is Mexico because they only have to deal with the cartel. Once they get that little issue out of the way they can be included.

On April 23rd, while I wallowed for my own self- tragedy, a REAL, horrifying tragedy occurred in Canada: “The Toronto van attack was a vehicle-ramming attack that occurred on April 23, 2018, in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. A man later identified as Alek Minassian allegedly drove a rented van at speed through the North York City Centre business district, deliberately targeting pedestrians, killing 10 and injuring 16, some critically,”–Wikipedia.

Min-ass-ian, wrote this on Facebook mere minutes before the attack:

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(Via ABC via Facebook)

 

“The Incel Rebellion has already begun! We will overthrow all the Chads and Stacys! All hail the Supreme Gentleman Elliot Rodger!”

Some labelled the post as ‘cryptic’ and Zodiac Killer-esque, but a new culture of the internet has now been popularized.

An “Incel” is a slang term for someone who identifies as an “Involuntary Celibate.” Incel is literally short for “Inceldom,” which is apparently a real word. Wikipedia says that self-identifying Incels are almost entirely men.

zoolander confused

 

⇦You Trying to figure out where the f**k this article is going…

…same. It’ll probably all come together. I didn’t make an outline for this one

 

Elliot Rodger, the man Alek Minassian hails in his post, was the scum of the earth responsible for the 2014 Isla Vista Killings in California. Rodger identified as an Incel ad claimed the murders we’re out of hate for women in his manifesto. These Incel nine communities actually admire Elliot Rodgers.

Just to give you an idea of how much you should hate Elliot Rodgers, he wrote in his manifesto that he fantasizes about rounding up all the women and ‘gleefully’ watches them starve to death in concentration camps. I implore you to imagine your sister denying Rodger sex, and him having this even of hate for her in return. I implore you to do so. You’re implored. 

One of the major beliefs of the intel is in fatalism and defeatism for unattractive people, AKA unattractive people are destined to be defeated by virginity, never to achieve their penetrating, orgasmic goal of climax.

If there is truly an “Incel Rebellion” on the way, there is legitimate cause for concern when simply walking down the street… if you’re moderately attractive.

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Watch this movie if you want to live. Then watch some more. Also, this movie is a classic stinker…a good-bad movie…not unlike this news.

If you’re a revolting blob and your right hand is bae, you can actually rest-easy. This is one health concern that you don’t need to worry about. In fact, attractive people might want to consider gaining weight and consider a diet that may actually do some good for their health. Take it from us, sitting on the couch watching Jersey Shore re-runs, blogging, while eating a breakfast Philly cheese steak you added to your dinner order the night before is the healthy alternative.

I am scared for the Adriana Lima’s, Jake Gylenhaal’s, and Derek Zoolander’s of the world. Really makes you think.

 

All the experts are saying that Incels are basically a-holes. Blend in to survive, baby.

You’re being lied to

MUST READ: This fact about Tic-Tacs will make you never want to buy them again

“Behold the true power of freshness.” This is the message that you’ll see on the website of the extremely popular breath mint brand, Tic Tac.

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Unfortunately, there is nothing “true” about Tic Tac’s. One of the main selling points of Tic Tacs® is the fact that they’re “sugar-free,”–something that their mint competitors just cannot compete with. I always thought that other breath mint company’s just didn’t have the means to create a recipe for a breath mint that was sugar-free, health-code abiding, and tasty enough.

Recently, I have been trying to lose weight to build my self-confidence. I try to buy healthier, sweeter options to satisfy my sugar cravings. Most often, this ends up in me buying fruity sugar-free gum or those orange Tic Tacs–you know, the ones that are basically fucking crack.

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But of course, I find out that Tic Tacs are quite literally the opposite of “sugar-free.” Tic Tac’s are almost made up entirely of pure sugar, however, the FDA permits that any serving “under 0.5 gram’s of sugar” is permitted to advertise that their product has 0 grams of sugar. Tic Tacs do indeed have less than 0.5 grams of sugar, however, the entire tac is made up almost entirely of sugar.

And I mean come on, obviously, we all know what you’re doing. Tic Tac purposely makes their serving size only one mint for false advertising reasons. Who the hell only eats one tic tac? I literally will chug a bottle of them. Just the feeling of having one tic tac in your mouth in uncomfortable. Is one tic tac even enough to make your breath fresh?

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Other than the fact that you might be wrecking your diet, please try to spread the word to any that might be affected by health concerns–such as diabetics and anyone else that is sensitive to sugar.

Behold the true power of deceit.

General Humor, Health and Lifestyle, Men's Health

Study Reports New Warning Sign of Alzheimer’s: Why Millenials Are Fucked

The newest study on senile dementia aka Alzheimer’s found that there is a link between Alzheimer’s and excessive daytime sleepiness. Furthermore, people that have bad sleeping habits.

Awesome news for today’s average millennial college kid. The higher education system has fucked the present day college student is so, so many ways and it just continues to get worse, man. Let’s pretend we’re not constantly thinking:

“FUCK ME HOW AM I GOING TO PAY 200,000 DOLLARS OFF WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE IN A YEAR AND I JUST GOT TURNED AWAY FROM WAWA,”

forget that we can’t  even get a job with our shitty history majors, don’t think about the fact that this screws over lower income families creating an even larger wage gap, don’t think about the civil and  social issues that said wage gap will cause, don’t think about the insane amount of mental health problems you didn’t have before you got here. Ignore that you’re acing exams but are actually failing a class because you aren’t SPEAKING UP ENOUGH FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION GRADE IN A LECTURE HALL.

No, now we can’t even age and die normally. We’re forced to sleep weird hours: study up late, wake up early, then take nap or series of naps. When could be waking up or falling asleep at any given moment. Depends on the person.

The sweet relief of death, the one thing we were looking forward to, the one thing we weren’t anxious about because we were certain it would happen, now is going to fucking plagued with loneliness from not recognizing loved ones, panick attacks, and generalized fear.

Sleeping during the day/ bad sleeping habits  causes your body to not get rid of your amyloid proteins properly. And that causes some folds or some shit, and basically ya bitch ass might have Alzheimer’s now.

Higher education demands more of its students than ever before. As the speed and advancement of tech happens, so too does college work. Professors assign papers and have them due two days later at obscure times. I have an assignment due everyday at midnight. Our parents never had to do that crap. Shit was due in class, or at the very least, in their professor’s mailboxes or so our parents were on a much more regulated schedule than us. Atleast they were seeing the god damn sun for more than two hours.

By the way, not being on a routine, not having good sleeping habits, and not being awake during the sunlight the humongous causes psychological issues. In case the shitty senile dementia we’ll all have isn’t enough.

I hope I get Alzheimer’s to forget how college was bacially a re-boot of the popular beastiality video Mr. Hand.

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As the horse out his  3ft long dick in Mr. hands, got what it needed, and dipped, so too did college dip their hands in our wallets, got what they needed, and left us and mr. hands irreversibly fucked.