Health and Lifestyle, Laughable News, Social

New Jersey Has the highest Amount of Young Americans still living with their parents

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The great armpit of America officially has the grossest amount of hairs living under the roof that is that armpit. More millennials (21-35 years old) have been living or lived with their parents for the past year in New Jersey than in any other state.

WOW! What does this mean for the great state of our armpit?!

It can mean one thing and one thing only. And its unbelievable. It’s so shocking. For once, it may not be a Killer Take by KillerTakes that kills you, it could be the suspense off finding out what the hell is going to happen to the prideful in New Jersey.

 

 

 

 

 

…..scroll more please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

please keep scrolling. It’s for your benefit. Here are some directions for help.

 

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HERE IS THE ANSWER 

 

 

 

(after just a tad more scrolling.
also i realize this is low-key shitty blog joke but I am too deep to turn back now)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I admire how dedicated you are. So you deserve to know that absolutely nothing in New Jersey is going to change. It’s surprising that New Jersey doesn’t rank 1st in this category every single year. New Jersey is the most densely populated state per mile in the United States. We pack 9.006 million people in the 46th smallest state in the nation–9 million and change stuffed into only 7,419 square miles worth of land.

While you might not realize how small that is because you’re used to dealing with enormous things like your gargantuan, monstrous, foreboding, and intimidatingly large P. (pride–as in jersey pride), compare it to the small as fuck state-island of Hawaii, which is 6,423 square miles in size. They’re only stuffing 1.428 million Hawaiians on their islands. Most people think Hawaii is consistently ranked the happiest state every year because it is basically 5 small resort islands, but it’s actually because they don’t have to deal with the cancer that is doing anything in a (big) city.

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Our biggest state, Alaska, has 570,641 square miles and only a population of about 740,000.m Damn land must be worthless out there. But everything is an igloo so whatever. What is the point of buying land when there is no use for it…”oh let me just build my house on this block of ice so when the first breeze of the year comes I can just slide off the edge of the Earth and slips to my vacuumed death.” The person in this scenario believes the earth is flat because anyone that nominated Sarah Palin must have horrendous judgement or be as uneducated as the labor force that fuels Nike’s factories (if you are going to strip children away from learning basic things at school, the least you could do is pay them more than a dollar an hour).

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Oh no fucking shit more kids are moving home in New Jersey. Is it because people from NJ are becoming losers at a faster rate than other states? Fuck no, it’s our stupid ass state legislature that makes us sacrifice our dicks or boobs to pay for. The only reason we’re not paying an arm or a leg is because student loan debt has already tied four ropes to four different horses that ripped them off by running in different directions.

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All our fucking parents did  our entire lives was complain about the cost of living or having one’s own place in New Jersey. And now we get why they bitched and moaned our entire lives, but we NJ millennials are infinitely smarter than all the young adults residents of the other costly states because we don’t see the point in suffering if there is no need. I’ll live off my parents until I am…well….dead probably–according to our current life insurance policy.

The study found that 3/4 of young jerseyians living with mom or pop or both AREN’T just idling around all day– the three of four are either students working towards a degree or currently have a job. Brilliant yet again. If you are a local college student, why would you  pay extra to rent an apartment when your family’s home 10 minutes away? You wouldn’t because you aren’t a mid-western half-wit.

And the people that go to work every day to return to the room they grew up in are working to pay off their student loans faster. Student loans are up 300% since 1980, so why would anyone want to deal with worrying about fitting their expensive NJ rent into their budget as well. Maybe it’d be worth paying for your loans AND your own place in if you lived in Arkansas where the cost of living is about the cost of a NJ person’s monthly supply of toilet paper. And that’s if every single resident of jersey had clean, solid shits and no toilet seat turds. But otherwise, paying for student loans while unnecessarily paying rent of one’s own place is the equivalent of running a marathon with ankle weights on. Mommy and Daddy simply help us take off the ankle weights so we can complete our suffering faster, whether it be jogging or repaying debts.

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choosing to pay to be away from your parents is the real mistake

Most degree’d workers from New Jersey work in NYC too. While everyone that works in the city knows that it’s much easier to just live there rather than enduring the long commute each day, unnecessarily paying for an apartment in one of the most expensive cities in the world while paying the most student loans than ever before with the money one makes as part of the most under-paid generation in history is NOT easier. want paying off your student loans is strikingly like your friends sister: quick, easy, and it’s something almost everyone’s gotta do.

Moral of the story: Not living in New Jersey has indirectly (somehow) made you dumber than these people:

Health and Lifestyle, weather

Last Week Proves that People from New Jersey Still Suck at Driving in the Snow

New Jersey has a few stereotypes: Everyone is a Guido. Every dad looks like someone straight out of the Sopranos. Everyone is trashy. It smells. There’s no center. Blah blah blah.

  1. Stereotype– a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.

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When New Jersey saw our first rainfall of the season last week, the people of this great state confirmed that stereotypes. Not only are Jersey-ians aggressive drivers, they’re just all around bad drivers–and in the snow? Fuggeddaboutit.

The standard speed limit on the Garden State Parkway is 65 mph. But the unspoken speed limit on the parkway amongst jersey drivers is 80 mph, 85 mph if you’re in the fa lane. And this is driving safely.

People from New Jersey we’re absolutely not ready for the snow as there we’re 555 accidents on roads that are monitored by state-police. 555. Only on roads that state-cops cover…not even accidents that happened that happened at the regional or local level. This is a positive correlation, folks.

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Typical Garden State Parkway

Another true stereotype about the people of New Jersey is that we love to hate our commutes. Nothing gets the people of NJ going like complaining about the traffic on their way in or yapping about how much more crowded the train was than everyone elses train. And, surprise of the year, we complained like a mofo about the snow and the traffic buildups.

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HOWEVER,

In a M. Night Shamallamadingdong type twist, for once the commuters had a right to complain bout the traffic as those 555 accidents caused hours and hours of traffic that extended for miles and miles. It would take the average NJ driver an hour to go one mile on 287. For this investigative journalist, we interviewed someone who had to travel from New Brunswick to Newark.

The drive, without traffic, takes 41 minutes, according to Google Maps. However, it took our source, (AKA me…I had an errand to run after class). I took the fastest route to Newark via I-95. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, they said. I-95 is the fastest way to get there, they said. My departure time of 7:00 P.M.  was late enough to not hit the after-work traffic, they said. -bP3wg

No. None of these things came true, as the after-work–5:30 traffic was still on their way home. They we’re still using the highways that I needed to….except “using” isn’t the right word. They we’re sitting in traffic or getting into traffic accidents. That is all that was happening on major highways. I sat in traffic for a solid 5 hours, bleeding from my eyes and ripping my intestines out of my esophagus…metaphorically of course.

And here we are…me, a victim of the system that forced me to sit in traffic with all my other bad drivers. Me, complaining about how bad the traffic was. That’s all I have to say. Fuck that true stereotype. It’s racist I tell ya.

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